Allowing other women regular access to your man. Is it asking for trouble???

[whit923]

I dont' really have this problem because my best girl friends live out of state. But even so, there have been times they wanted to ask him something and even though I know they have his number they still went through me first. Its just common courtesy and respect in my opinion.

It works the other way as well. I've been asked to do free lance work for some of my husband's friends. Before even approaching me, they contacted my husband first to broker the info.

And to answer the question, yes it is asking for trouble. Boundaries need to be set, and all parties invloved need to know where the lines have been drawn in the sand to act accordingly.

 

[SincerelyJane]

My last SO we were all friends before he and I started dating, so everyone had everyone's number. They weren't trifling people and I just know him, he wouldn't have messed them so it was fine. When we took break a couple of girls pounced on him, like immediately , but I was never close with them. We were cordial acquaintances at best.

 

[Lucie]

I don't suggest baiting a man. That is playing a game and game playing is best for the field, gaming console, phone apps or a board game. If I call a woman my friend, I don't have any issues with her and my dude. And if a man is my dude, I have no issues with him either.

Saying all of that, sometimes it is not a two-way street. A friend thought she should text my dude to tell him what he should be doing for me. While I can assume she did it because she felt she was being helpful it rubbed me the wrong way. The funny thing is that he thought I knew about it all along. That was such sixth grade behavior but she wasn't getting my point about how it made me look.

Another time I gave a friend's husband a ride home and she spoke to him the entire way. I didn't say anything but it struck me as odd. I was good enough to drive him there but not good enough to have the company to chat with?

I did pick up another friend's fiancée at the airport and drove him home on the island. She did not call either of us the entire time. That meant a lot to me. It showed me that she felt comfortable with me, knew my character and trusted me. That really meant a lot to me.

My ex-husband used to fix my friends computers all the time for free. Saved them lots of money.

 

[Sosoothing]

Hmm..I haven't ever really had to deal with something like this. Come to think of it, the few times a friend needed a ride or something from an SO I didn't really think much of it. So I guess I don't mind one time rare requests for assistance. But always calling on my guy? No thanks.
In the same way DH wouldn't be ok with his single guy friends calling me to help them with a few 'womanly' tasks (cooking, light cleaning..etc) I'm not ok with him being the go-to handy man in a single (or not) girlfriend's life. All of my friends have a mindset like mine so this isn't an issue that ever comes up.

 

[ms-gg]

I trust the people I call my friends but you need boundaries and respect. I don't call anyone's boyfriend (except for my niece's boyfriend bc they are always together, her phone is off and sometimes I need to talk to her, but is never to talk to him. I text him asking him to ask her stuff).

Once my comp was broken n my bff suggested I call her ex. I never did it, took it to a shop, it just doesn't feel right

 

[pearcey]

who do you "own"? it is up to the dude to do the right thing.

All that holding onto and protecting makes you look weak and him look stronger than he his.

no man has the golden dick. stop treating him like he is the **** and stop treating your "friends" as if you are "pressed".

women who carry it like that look so pathetic. especially the ones repping for thier "black man".

ewwww. especially over the age of 25...

 

[Tamrin]

Everyone's relationship is different you never know the reason for their actions. I usually say before you judge look deeper the one who may come off as insecure in her relationship is probably the most secure, they are just being careful. Dh is very friendly his being nice can mean something else to someone seeking attention, so he calls me or visa versa. We are like peas in a pod he is very observant of people so he chooses to steer clear of certain situations. He always does favors for my friends, but I don't ask favors of others.

If my friend has an issue with her SO and its dire I would try to help, because the solution is usually simple. Sometimes men need a little push. Funny thing is its always works out for them. A real friend will not sit back watch you fall apart and do nothing. When Dh and I had some issues my friend pulled him aside and set him straight. He told me what she said to him and I appreciated it because my friend has been there and she was right. I never addressed her no need to she gave me my result. That is why I love that girl no holds barred. Aside from that NO convo out of the context of the subject at hand . I don't do friendships with my friend's So or Dh.

 

[PureSilver]

I mean like having his number and asking for favors like changing her oil or other "manly" chores.

Say what, any female friend of mine can go find a gentleman of her own or have a very good male friend to ask such favors but not my S/O or DH.

A few of my friends have DH's number. They never call him though and always call me. DH has installed some fixtures for my BFF when she bought her house and he's repaired the car of another friend (she was single then). I love that he's willing to help them out because he loves me and I love my friends.

I suspect that one friend doesn't trust me around her husband although I've never given her a reason to feel that way. I was meeting up with her at her house and she wasn't there. Her husband was home alone. I called to let her know that I was there and she kept calling and calling and calling during her shopping trip until she was outside. Then she asked me to come ride with her to drop off the items she bought instead of leaving me alone with her husband any longer. It was kind of weird at first but then I remembered she cheated with her BFF's boyfriend and ended up dating that guy for a couple of years.

Maybe that friend doesn't trust herself knowing w hat she has done in the past and what she capable of it isn't you who she does not trust my friend. She also has insecurity issues.

To answer OP's question i think it more than asking for trouble. I know someone who was friend's with her friend's BF till they started going out, became a couple and fathered her first child all the while he was with the first chick, They had their children a month apart and the names were the same. They are no longer friends.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I've never had anyone try to get regular access and I'd be very suspicious if they thought it would be ok to use him as a regular handyman/taxi service. erplexed I don't mind my friends being around my partner though. Its just things like that are a bit weird lol

I remember one of my white friends introduced me to her new beau once. Then later she was like "I'm going to be out of town next week, but you two could hang and go to a concert. I know you like the same music.".

I was like wow you're secure Suppose she was right because he's a really good guy that loves her to death. They are married now. I just wouldn't think to suggest something like that..

SO is quite suspicious of women because of a few experiences he's had in the past with his friends gfs being attracted ect... I know he wouldn't be OK with someone contacting him without going through me first.

 

[Fine 4s]

Had a friend who called my ex for some tech issue. She didn't give me a heads up and in fact didn't know that we had broken up (at that point in time). He thought I was behind it.

Yyyyyyeah, had many other friendship boundary issues with her, so no surprise.

 

[naturalTAN]

Thanks for the responses. I don't know why it got moved here.

 

[Renewed1]

All my BFF's gave me their man's number for various reasons. One ex-BFF was married and her hubby and I was left alone in the house.

My friends know that I'm not interested in their man and would never do anything to ruin our relationship.

NOW, I have a BFF I would never leave alone with my guy. She's an attention seeking type of woman and I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Although, I had her man's number.

 

[gn1g]

Never, some will try to holla at him when you are in the room.

 

[Ipanema]

Women need to get their own man. This includes his sisters.

I don't understand this part. Why can't a brother help his sisters?

 

[MzLady78]

I don't understand this part. Why can't a brother help his sisters?

Yeah...no.

My brother would never not be there for me if I needed him, man or no man.

 

[chelseatiara]

Hmmm.... the only people with true regular access to my man is me. Then his mom, mostly because she is five states away, but she has a husband for maintenance type things. Then his sisters/cousins etc. Non-familial individuals don't have regular access, don't call after a certain time, and rarely ask favors. He will always consider/ask my feelings if another woman asks him to do something.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I don't understand this part. Why can't a brother help his sisters?

Some (emphasis on some) sisters are worse than mothers especially if there is no father/husband in the house.

I know a number of marriages that had issues due to boundaries between sisters and the husband/new wife. They were used to and expected him to be the "patriarch" of the family in every way (including finances).

In theory of course one should be able to ask their brother for anything. In reality you all know how the line stepping begins and how it can be manipulated in a way that makes the wife looks bad if she says anything (but then I've always said if you knew he was like that when you were dating that is on you for marrying him). Know what you can and can't deal with.

 

[okange76]

I don't understand this part. Why can't a brother help his sisters?

Some sisters can mess up your marriage especially if they have no man of their own or are struggling to make ends meet. They feel like they own their brothers and should get to choose who they date or marry.

If he is financially well off, watch out. Money brings out some serious ugly in families.

 

[ladysaraii]

^^ And not just sisters, siblings.

My dad is one of nine, eldest boy (but not child). I guess he used to buy his youngest sibling an easter suit every year. Well sometimes after he married my mom (not sure if I was born yet), my uncle hit my dad up to ask for the suit. My dad siad no b/c he had a family now and didn't have the money. Apparently, my uncle blamed my mom and didn't talk to her for several years.

And I know she's had issues with his sisters over the years. Poor mom, in my dad's family, it's 6 girls & 3 boys and for years my dad was the only responsible one.

 

[hopeful]

ITA with what's been posted regarding sisters. I had way more issues with my SIL than my MIL. SIL liked to act as though I didn't exist, always trying to go around me to get what she wanted. She was very sneaky, always up to something. And it's hard for brothers to see it, especially if it's their little sister. I finally got things straight but it took years. In the end it's about boundaries and respect.

 

[missjanelleb]

Yes, Yes, Yes... My mom has always tols me to watch my "friends" and other women (even family) around my man. Your friends should know their boundaries... My bestie trusts me and I her, but I don't call her husband (he's in banking) for anything unless she knows when I'm calling and why. He in turn will only call me after he's told her that he has a question (I'm in insurance). Most times, she is our go between so we don't have to call each other. Its all about transparency. I would not ask him to do anything for me unless its an absolute emergency and I've exhausted all of my options (ie repair man can't get to me for awhile ) and she or my Godson have to be present... Have to avoid even the appearance