Allowing other women regular access to your man. Is it asking for trouble???

naturalTAN

naturalTAN

New Member
I used to be pretty trusting of everyone that I called a friend and never had a problem with them hanging around my dates, boyfriends or crushes. I used to actually love doing group type stuff in the beginning to see if the guy was as great as I thought he was or I was just building him up in my head. :lachen:

Anyway, I've been backstabbed by girls that at the time were my best friends (2nd year in HS and 1st year in university) who decided to help themselves to the guy that I was seeing. After the second time, I was hurt and for awhile did not share anything about anyone that I was interested in or dating because I did not want anymore repeats. I have mellowed out some over the years because although I'm more cautious now, I don't like the idea of having to essentially "hide" a guy from my friends because of the immature people that hurt me in the past.

I wrote all that to ask do you allow your friends or female family members around your age regular access to your man or would you have an issue with say one of them having his number and calling for favors from time to time?


ETA: I actually think that both situations turned out pretty good for me because thankfully I had some trifling friends that sniffed out the trifling guy that I was seeing and I got to rid my life of them at the same time. I've actually been wondering if "baiting" a guy in the beginning with a friend to see how he reacts could be beneficial. :look: Thoughts?
 
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when you say regular access, what do you mean? 2nd year of high school.....nope i wasn't trusting no one back then either, like you many messy situations. it seems like high school and college bring out the messy birds. i have a few friends who have had my bf's numbers, which came in handy in emergencies. but not like you two calling each other and talking about how work was and meeting up for lunch. ummm no!! not unless they were already friends and doing this prior to me meeting him. other than that, i love hanging out with my friends with my bf.
 
All this baiting is doing the most. Relationships shouldn't be this stressful and shouldn't require passing tests and playing games
 
A few of my friends have DH's number. They never call him though and always call me. DH has installed some fixtures for my BFF when she bought her house and he's repaired the car of another friend (she was single then). I love that he's willing to help them out because he loves me and I love my friends.

I suspect that one friend doesn't trust me around her husband although I've never given her a reason to feel that way. I was meeting up with her at her house and she wasn't there. Her husband was home alone. I called to let her know that I was there and she kept calling and calling and calling during her shopping trip until she was outside. Then she asked me to come ride with her to drop off the items she bought instead of leaving me alone with her husband any longer. It was kind of weird at first but then I remembered she cheated with her BFF's boyfriend and ended up dating that guy for a couple of years.
 
only 2 of my friends had my ex's number, for use in emergencies only. other than that, take your car to firestone for an oil change. and we have male friends who can do other manly duties, that or pay a handyman to fix whatever around your house. now if its an emergency and "we" are close, then cool we'll stop and help you fix your tire on the side of the road. otherwise, call aaa. i would and have never called any of my friends husbands or boyfriends to do anything remotely like this. when i was single, i didnt even ask my male friends to do things if they were involved with anyone either. its just a matter of respect and appropriate boundaries.
 
The two closest women in my life, outside my mother, are both attention seeking and loose :look: neither need any details on who I'm dating.
 
^^See that's what I want to know. If you know a friend is extra flirtatious, would you let her be around him a lot almost as a test? Like if he jumps at the chance, then should you just accept that he was not the guy for you and be thankful?
 
That's a hard one. Cause I wouldn't want my feelings hurt but I guess it's better to know earlier than finding him screwing her on the honeymoon or something :giggle:
 
Why do they have your man's number and are asking him for favors? Just because you're dating someone new doesn't mean he suddenly becomes the maintenance guy for your circle. They can and should still get their needs serviced elsewhere. No question about that. If I ever needed help or advice that ONLY my friend's SO could provide, I would absolutely go through her. Your friends need to understand boundaries.
 
How do you hide a man that doesn't want to be hidden? He's grown and can be faithful. As for giving details, it's the same thing. He lives in the world as anyone else. I'd get rid of the untrusty friends, tho.
 
I personally do not do things and have never done things that incorporated my man unless there was another man around.....I don't see the point. There has to be an equal amount of men and women. Some of my g/f's on the other hand insist on bringing their men around and those men have ALWAYS been inappropriate at some point or another or at a minimum their behavior could always be confused as flirting. I don't consider what I do hiding him because if I did, I would have to question my judgement in picking friends and when picking a mate.

Not directed at you OP, but I always felt that people who always bring their man everywhere has something to prove.
 
See I've heard that women who hide their men are heauxs because they don't want to lose their man how they "got" him.
 
maybe (shrugs)....but that's assuming that she "got" him in some particularly shady way.
 
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[USER]I[/USER]
naturalTAN said:
I mean like having his number and asking for favors like changing her oil or other "manly" chores.
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Do I mind others being around my fh? No. Asking for favors....yes. unless you are stranded and you have tried everyone else...don't call my man. Want your oil changed? Get your car serviced. He is not there for your beck and call. Infact they would get their feelings hurt because he would jokingly say something like , "that looks like something you will need to get your man to do" ( and has said that to someone who thought since she knew me he was at her beck and call). The only exception are close family members but even then do not constantly call for favors. It needs to be once in a blue moon.
 
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TopShelf said:
luckiestdestiny.....would you give one of your friends your man's number?
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Nope. I don't see a need. That is...unless it was an emergency and I offered his assistance and called him to confirm it could be done. Even then unless they are already friends I don't see why they would call each other all the time if they were not friends first. In fact my Fh would nip that in he bud anyways so I am not worried about that. It is just a matter of respect.

I will say I am never afraid of losing a guy. I think that trying to regulate a man is exhausting. I want a trustworthy guy period who knows and sets boundaries. If he can't do that I would cut him loose anyways.
 
naturalTAN said:
^^See that's what I want to know. If you know a friend is extra flirtatious, would you let her be around him a lot almost as a test? Like if he jumps at the chance, then should you just accept that he was not the guy for you and be thankful?
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Nah. You can tell if your man is a player without purposely sending bait his way. Such a guy will show his card on his own.
 
naturalTAN said:
See I've heard that women who hide their men are heauxs because they don't want to lose their man how they "got" him.
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Don't call somebody's man asking for nothing. Besides cheating, there is potential for other problems if he doesn't do something correctly, she starts being demanding, etc...
 
naturalTAN said:
^^See that's what I want to know. If you know a friend is extra flirtatious, would you let her be around him a lot almost as a test? Like if he jumps at the chance, then should you just accept that he was not the guy for you and be thankful?
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He isn't the guy if he takes the offer. She isn't the friend if she gives the proposition to a taken man.

This reminds me of a a co-worker/friend who is eerily flirtatious. (Mickey). One day, we went to meet up with another co-worker at this lounge. Let's call the other co-worker Bob. Mickey is a clingy co-worker so she wasn't invited to the lounge and bought herself along with me. So we're sitting down and there is another group of men at the table next to us. Things got weird when Bob greets Mickey and asks her how she's doing and she responds with, "My boobs got bigger". It seems as if she were trying to get the attention of Bob along with the group of men at the next table, who got quiet after she said that.
Bob tells me I look nice, and then my co-worker butts in and says, "you didn't say anything about my outfit. :sad:"

Then she continues to talk about her lady parts loudly because she knows the other table of men are listening. It was very awkward. She also uses the "My boobs got bigger" line anytime a man asks her how she's doing.

She also likes to ask men "Have you ever thought about sleeping with an Asian girl before?"

Like yeah, we're cool co-workers and all, but this chick is the type who would probably fluck someone's husband/SO if she had the chance.
 
DrC said:
He isn't the guy if he takes the offer. She isn't the friend if she gives the proposition to a taken man.

This reminds me of a a co-worker/friend who is eerily flirtatious. (Mickey). One day, we went to meet up with another co-worker at this lounge. Let's call the other co-worker Bob. Mickey is a clingy co-worker so she wasn't invited to the lounge and bought herself along with me. So we're sitting down and there is another group of men at the table next to us. Things got weird when Bob greets Mickey and asks her how she's doing and she responds with, "My boobs got bigger". It seems as if she were trying to get the attention of Bob along with the group of men at the next table, who got quiet after she said that.
Bob tells me I look nice, and then my co-worker butts in and says, "you didn't say anything about my outfit. :sad:"

Then she continues to talk about her lady parts loudly because she knows the other table of men are listening. It was very awkward. She also uses the "My boobs got bigger" line anytime a man asks her how she's doing.

She also likes to ask men "Have you ever thought about sleeping with an Asian girl before?"

Like yeah, we're cool co-workers and all, but this chick is the type who would probably fluck someone's husband/SO if she had the chance.
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I wish a b$&!? would......
 
If I ever needed to borrow my friends husbands I would call the fRiend. I never saw a reason to call the men directly. I feel that is disrespectful.

Sent from my SAMSUNG Galaxy Note 2
 
This isn't, and could never be a problem for me. First, because all of the shiesty b1tches I knew that would pull that, I cut off a long time ago. Second, because everyone already knows... even y'all know... that I will cut people. :look:

I have friends that have my Dh's number, and he has theirs. I sleep quite well at night, because I know that I'm surrounded by good people, and no one would pull that kinda mess. If it's really a concern, start to cut people off. It's not worth it to be in a relationship, and have that kind of stress going on. :nono:
 
CarLiTa said:
Why do they have your man's number and are asking him for favors? Just because you're dating someone new doesn't mean he suddenly becomes the maintenance guy for your circle. They can and should still get their needs serviced elsewhere. No question about that. If I ever needed help or advice that ONLY my friend's SO could provide, I would absolutely go through her. Your friends need to understand boundaries.
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luckiestdestiny said:
I

Do I mind others being around my fh? No. Asking for favors....yes. unless you are stranded and you have tried everyone else...don't call my man. Want your oil changed? Get your car serviced. He is not there for your beck and call. Infact they would get their feelings hurt because he would jokingly say something like , "that looks like something you will need to get your man to do" ( and has said that to someone who thought since she knew me he was at her beck and call). The only exception are close family members but even then do not constantly call for favors. It needs to be once in a blue moon.
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Agree completely with these. I have the number to some friend's SOs but we're friends in our own right. And I rarely communicate with them, unless it's necessary. I don't ask them to do me favors and if I needed one (and it wasnn't small and simple and could be accomplished over the phone or email) I would definitely as my friend first. That's respect.

As far as bringing them around, I would want my friends and SO to know each other, as well as their SOs. I wouldn't bring him around though if it was just women and him unless it was an initial meet and greet.

Sidenote: in college, my bestie had this habit of adding the AIM handles of the men we were seeing (AIM was widely used then). Don't ask why, but I never went out of my way to share them.
 
I'm having a problem with people's definition of "friend". I think people use the term too loosely. A real friend is not someone I have to be concerned about.

None of my friends have "access" to my husband. But that's because he's anti-social and doesn't like to be bothered with people.
 
reeko43 said:
If I ever needed to borrow my friends husbands I would call the fRiend. I never saw a reason to call the men directly. I feel that is disrespectful.

Sent from my SAMSUNG Galaxy Note 2
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Thank you. I have my bff's fiance's number and would never ever call him. If I needed his help, I'd call my bff and ask for his help that way.

I have a "friend" where, lets say you and a bunch of friends catch up with her and make plans to go for dinner in the next few weeks within that catch up. Before you all get home, she's texted all your DH's or SO's, inviting them. Like 1) Why are you texting people's partners? 2) Why not leave it up to her friends to tell their own partners?

The other day I asked her about a guy who might be able to do a job for me. Just asking in general, whether he still did jobs for people etc. It was really late at night, like some ungodly hour. Do you know she texted the guy right there and then? He's married!!! :nono:
 
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I don't share well. Women need to get their own man. This includes his sisters. He could be doing something for me in the time that he is off doing something for them. I don't like it, get your own.
 
naturalTAN said:
I wrote all that to ask do you allow your friends or female family members around your age regular access to your man or would you have an issue with say one of them having his number and calling for favors from time to time?
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I didn't see the issue until the bolded. No, I don't like that just because I don't like it. That's like my friend calling my father or brother or uncle or son etc. everytime something happens. That's like :huh:

No, I don't like it all and it goes beyond thinking someone is going to steal someone else away.
 
ummm no my husbands time is for his family and unfort he doesn't have the time to be taking on addtl projects for ppl

nothing personal but there is always a company that provides the service you are looking for where you can pay to get that done

I'm not even paranoid like that about dh but umm noo--no need to have his number and no his time is precious...

google is your friend....
 
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