Affection

[Ramya]

SO mentioned to me that he needs me to be more affectionate with him. The problem is that I am not an affectionate person and have no idea where to start.

I really do care about him (obviously asking this on LHCF) and want to improve in this area.

He is all about "physical touch" and likes to hear that he is appreciated.

What are some things that I could do to show him that I listened to him and that I'm trying?
What are some things that you guys do for your SO?
How can I be more affectionate?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Be more affectionate.

Cause what you won't do, another woman will.

I've been in his shoes, and it doesn't take long...

 

[Ramya]

Be more affectionate.

Cause what you won't do, another woman will.

I've been in his shoes, and it doesn't take long...

I'm trying! but I need some ideas as I am not used to being affectionate! I don't want him to even have to think about it again

 

[poookie]

Hmm... well you said that you're not a very affectionate person... you COULD do your best to act more affectionate, but if that's just not who you are, it'll come across as fake.

i went through something like this in my last relationship (which is over, thankfully). i was more affectionate than he was, and i'm the type of girl who needs to be told every once in a while that i'm appreciated. he's the type of guy who's content to tell a girl 1x a decade that "she's aiight". long story short, i asked him to be more affectionate, and he put on this big ol' show that was 100% fake, and in the end i would have rather him not have gone through the "effort" in the first place.

If he can't accept you for who you are, the way you came into the relationship, then that's something he's going to just have a problem with.

However, let him know that although you have difficulty being affectionate, you still care about him. If you and him come to some sort of happy medium where he gets you to come out of your shell a bit, and you get him to stop being needy in the affection area, you two should be fine. it's all about compromise

 

[drasgrl]

Hmm... well you said that you're not a very affectionate person... you COULD do your best to act more affectionate, but if that's just not who you are, it'll come across as fake.

i went through something like this in my last relationship (which is over, thankfully). i was more affectionate than he was, and i'm the type of girl who needs to be told every once in a while that i'm appreciated. he's the type of guy who's content to tell a girl 1x a decade that "she's aiight". long story short, i asked him to be more affectionate, and he put on this big ol' show that was 100% fake, and in the end i would have rather him not have gone through the "effort" in the first place.

If he can't accept you for who you are, the way you came into the relationship, then that's something he's going to just have a problem with.

However, let him know that although you have difficulty being affectionate, you still care about him. If you and him come to some sort of happy medium where he gets you to come out of your shell a bit, and you get him to stop being needy in the affection area, you two should be fine. it's all about compromise

Good points especially the bolded. If you're not affectionate and he wants you to be it's good you are making the effort for him. At the same time you are who you are and if you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or worrying if you're doing a good enough job.

 

[Ramya]

Hmm... well you said that you're not a very affectionate person... you COULD do your best to act more affectionate, but if that's just not who you are, it'll come across as fake.

i went through something like this in my last relationship (which is over, thankfully). i was more affectionate than he was, and i'm the type of girl who needs to be told every once in a while that i'm appreciated. he's the type of guy who's content to tell a girl 1x a decade that "she's aiight". long story short, i asked him to be more affectionate, and he put on this big ol' show that was 100% fake, and in the end i would have rather him not have gone through the "effort" in the first place.

If he can't accept you for who you are, the way you came into the relationship, then that's something he's going to just have a problem with.

However, let him know that although you have difficulty being affectionate, you still care about him. If you and him come to some sort of happy medium where he gets you to come out of your shell a bit, and you get him to stop being needy in the affection area, you two should be fine. it's all about compromise

This is what we are trying to do. We talked about it briefly one day. I don't need affection very often. I'm sort of like your ex. SO needs it I will do it and enjoy doing it just b/c it makes him feel good. He is very patient with me and kind of nudges me along which I know is annoying. Do you know some things that I could do to show my affection?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm trying! but I need some ideas as I am not used to being affectionate! I don't want him to even have to think about it again

Hmm...I think this goes deeper than just this relationship. Why do you think you have a problem being affectionate? Do you think it might come from childhood, etc? Sometimes children living in an unaffectionate household take that with them. If you can pinpoint something, talk to him about it. Just telling him that you're not an affectionate person will do nothing, because he'll think it's an excuse. If you two engage in dialog about why you think you are not an affectionate person, etc...He will see that you are trying.

 

[Ramya]

Hmm...I think this goes deeper than just this relationship. Why do you think you have a problem being affectionate? Do you think it might come from childhood, etc? Sometimes children living in an unaffectionate household take that with them. If you can pinpoint something, talk to him about it. Just telling him that you're not an affectionate person will do nothing, because he'll think it's an excuse. If you two engage in dialog about why you think you are not an affectionate person, etc...He will see that you are trying.

It does come from childhood. My parents did not show much affection to me. I can only remember hearing "I love you" twice and I've only gotten a hug once. I think I've conditioned myself to not "need" it. He is aware of this and understands but at the same time he DOES have that "need" and it's something I want to work on for myself and for the sake of my relationship. I just never really realized it was a problem until our discussion.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

It does come from childhood. My parents did not show much affection to me. I can only remember hearing "I love you" twice and I've only gotten a hug once. I think I've conditioned myself to not "need" it. He is aware of this and understands but at the same time he DOES have that "need" and it's something I want to work on for myself and for the sake of my relationship. I just never really realized it was a problem until our discussion.

Then talk about this with him. Let him know that it's not HIM, it's just how you were raised. Once you work on that aspect, it'll slowly become more natural. It's something you both need to work on.

 

[Desarae]

I'm just like you Amerikan. My SO is the same way. It seems like I play the "typical male" role in the relationship. Whenever I hear that song "teachme" by musiqsoulchild, I feel like I'm the one singing it to my man.

 

[cocoberry10]

I'm just like you Amerikan. My SO is the same way. It seems like I play the "typical male" role in the relationship. Whenever I hear that song "teachme" by musiqsoulchild, I feel like I'm the one singing it to my man.

Since you like him, I think that you can find small ways to be affectionate. He wants more physical touch, which can be done in small ways as you become more comfortable with being affectionate. Start by being "playful." Most men like jokes/being playful. Make a lighthearted joke about his favorite sports team, or if he says something, kind of grab his arm. He will probably play back. Also, start dropping small compliments, he will like this. As you get more comfortable doing this, I think you will become more comfortable being affectionate.

 

[Leslie_C]

Since you like him, I think that you can find small ways to be affectionate. He wants more physical touch, which can be done in small ways as you become more comfortable with being affectionate. Start by being "playful." Most men like jokes/being playful. Make a lighthearted joke about his favorite sports team, or if he says something, kind of grab his arm. He will probably play back. Also, start dropping small compliments, he will like this. As you get more comfortable doing this, I think you will become more comfortable being affectionate.

I like that advice. See Im more the opposite, I totally need and crave affection and Im very affectionate as well, in general. Even towards my friends. I hug everybody. You know the kind of person who u hug and they stiffen up bc they arent comfortable being touchy feelie? My sister is like that, but I notice she is fairly affectionate to her husband. One of my friends is like that too. The last guy I was with before my husband was very non-affectionate and I could see it was from his childhood too...his whole family was like that. His mom came to visit who he hasnt seen in yearsssss, and they barely even hugged. I practically tackle my family to the floor that I havent seen in a long time lol.

I think some people who are raised without a lot of affection train themselves to be that way, but sometimes it makes them seek more affection from others as well. Im lucky that my DH also loves to give and receive affection so we are a great fit when it comes to that. He grew up in foster care and was abused until he was adopted at 8, so I have this tendency to want to love on him like he is a little boy who needs to be loved. Maybe deep down he is because he eats it up. Neither of us will feel like we arent getting enough affection or uncomfortable giving it since we are on the same wavelength. Ive had problems in the past with it bc I could come off as needy when I was dating someone who wasnt the lovey dovey type.

Question to anybody: Do you think nonaffectionate people change when they have children? I would hate to have a child grow up wondering why I dont hug or kiss them often.

Sorry OP, all this rambling and I havent even answered your question... I just think its an interesting topic!

I like the idea of being more playful as a start. If you arent comfortable hugging/kissing all the time and being all hugged up/cuddling a lot...maybe start with holding hands or walking arm in arm in public? Sometimes when the feeling hits you, just tell him u love him and give him a hug/kiss out of the blue. Buy him a mooshy card for no reason. Leave him a note in his car. Cook him a special meal. THANK him for being ______(a good man, sweet, loving, thoughtful, etc). Encourage him in his goals and praise his accomplishments. I hope some of these ideas wont make you uncomfortable or seem forced. Good luck hun!

Do you like GETTING affection?

 

[foxxymami]

Some would say maybe it's because you're a Capricorn.
I know several Caps here on this board say that they are not really affectionate.
I think I'm an atypical Cap in that respect, because I crave and adore affection.

I'm like you....I grew up in a house where hugs and I love you wasn't done much, but I think it had the opposite affect on me......I turned out to be very affectionate with boyfriends, friends, etc. When I have children I'm gonna say "love ya" to them everyday


oh.............sorry didn't mean to go off on a tangent

 

[Amour]

I like that advice. See Im more the opposite, I totally need and crave affection and Im very affectionate as well, in general. Even towards my friends. I hug everybody. You know the kind of person who u hug and they stiffen up bc they arent comfortable being touchy feelie? My sister is like that, but I notice she is fairly affectionate to her husband. One of my friends is like that too. The last guy I was with before my husband was very non-affectionate and I could see it was from his childhood too...his whole family was like that. His mom came to visit who he hasnt seen in yearsssss, and they barely even hugged. I practically tackle my family to the floor that I havent seen in a long time lol.

I think some people who are raised without a lot of affection train themselves to be that way, but sometimes it makes them seek more affection from others as well. Im lucky that my DH also loves to give and receive affection so we are a great fit when it comes to that. He grew up in foster care and was abused until he was adopted at 8, so I have this tendency to want to love on him like he is a little boy who needs to be loved. Maybe deep down he is because he eats it up. Neither of us will feel like we arent getting enough affection or uncomfortable giving it since we are on the same wavelength. Ive had problems in the past with it bc I could come off as needy when I was dating someone who wasnt the lovey dovey type.

Question to anybody: Do you think nonaffectionate people change when they have children? I would hate to have a child grow up wondering why I dont hug or kiss them often.

Sorry OP, all this rambling and I havent even answered your question... I just think its an interesting topic!

I like the idea of being more playful as a start. If you arent comfortable hugging/kissing all the time and being all hugged up/cuddling a lot...maybe start with holding hands or walking arm in arm in public? Sometimes when the feeling hits you, just tell him u love him and give him a hug/kiss out of the blue. Buy him a mooshy card for no reason. Leave him a note in his car. Cook him a special meal. THANK him for being ______(a good man, sweet, loving, thoughtful, etc). Encourage him in his goals and praise his accomplishments. I hope some of these ideas wont make you uncomfortable or seem forced. Good luck hun!

Do you like GETTING affection?

good post!

I am not very affectionate and I don't crave affection either and that is ok with me... I guess but my bf is very affectionate and although he hasn't said I think he would prefer me to act more affectionate towards him. I will try out some of your suggestions when he gets back from his trip.

 

[fattyfatfat]

Interesting. Im a Capricorn and Im not affectionate too.

Some would say maybe it's because you're a Capricorn.
I know several Caps here on this board say that they are not really affectionate.
I think I'm an atypical Cap in that respect, because I crave and adore affection.

I'm like you....I grew up in a house where hugs and I love you wasn't done much, but I think it had the opposite affect on me......I turned out to be very affectionate with boyfriends, friends, etc. When I have children I'm gonna say "love ya" to them everyday


oh.............sorry didn't mean to go off on a tangent

 

[Leslie_C]

Interesting. Im a Capricorn and Im not affectionate too.

yep that IS interesting...my ex who wasnt affectionate was also a Capricorn...hmmm...

 

[sky_blu]

Im not affectionate like that either but I always deal with very affectionate guys. No ideas but good luck with that!

 

[jrae]

I'm a Cap and very affectionate. My sons think I'm a pain.

OP, I would say to start with showing appreciation that might be easier than affection. My affection is simply saying "I appreciate you", "I'm glad you're in my life", etc.

Or, how about flirting. Catch his eye sometimes and give him a wink.