Love is a Losing Game

[Missjksn21]

boy am I glad you said something, the 15th is payday so that works too!

 

[Nina_S]

Wow!!

Aidenberry,

These ladies have given you some great advice!! I, like NessaNessa, had let my past experiences dictate my behavior in my recent relationship but fortunately they recognized this and was patient with me. I don't know what your longterm goals are with this man but I think that you should look at the reasons why you don't give the affection that he clearly needs and why you aren't really accepting it. In the meantime, let him know that you are trying to figure it out and that you'll need him to patient and help you through this discovery. All while not ceasing his show of love. Also, I noticed that you said you "prayed" for this man, I think that God sent you this man to learn about you (Aidenberry) but also try asking that same God to give you what you need (be it a changed or renewed mind/heart and an understanding) to make this relationship successful.

You are so lucky to have someone that truly cares! Good luck!!

N~

 

[gabulldawg]

I have met a wonderful man. I prayed and asked for someone who would cherish me and love me unconditionally. Well that prayer was answered...

I know you are wondering now, if she is so happy why is she posting this

I am screwing this up. He is very affectionate. I don't know how to show him this back. He was so frustrated with me last night he was in tears. I am hurting him and I dont know how to stop. He tells me he feels rejected.

I have never been an affectionate person, whether it was kisses, hugs, holding hands, etc. I was more of a " I will get mine and you get the hell out" kind of girl. I dont want to lose him, but on the other hand I dont want him to feel unhappy (we all know where that would lead). He cares and he is showing it.

So how do I get thru this. Please help!!!!!

You know, I was the same way when me and my SO started dating. We had the same scenario played out where he told me he felt rejected and everything. I was never really touchy-feely because my family isn't very touch-feely! I really wasn't used to it! He's really into that and is also big on saying "I love you" everyday, like 3 times a day!

Honestly, I had to change!! I knew that if I wanted to keep him and keep him happy I had to do what he asked me to do! I thought he wasn't asking much. If I really love the man like I say I do then I should show it!! I give the same advice to you. Love is about sacrificing. If all he's asking you to do is show him some love you are lucky! He's not asking you to change anything significant about yourself! I know what you mean about not wantnig to be hurt. That was my big thing. My SO was my first EVERYTHING and it took a lot of me to let my guard down like that. Now we're happy and I actually really enjoy being affectionate. I will admit that at first it felt really corny, though! HTH.

 

[Colliecole]

Hey Aidenberry

I think you've done the hardest part, because you know theres a problem, and you want to make changes.

But after reading your post, I have to side with your SO a bit because I'm also very affectionate person. So is my entire family. We all hug and kiss everyone all the time... sometimes people we barely know LOL

Because of my upbringing, I could not imagine any close relationship without these things, especially my SO. It would definitely make me feel unwanted, unloved, and eventually push me away, even if he was telling me otherwise, because I've been taught all my life:

physical touch = affection/love/acceptance​

It's hard to undo years of the automatic correlation between the two, and frankly, I wouldn't want to undo it.​

Please understand where he's coming from, and keep trying to work with him. I fear that if you can't be affectionate with him, it will register in his mind as rejection, and he will leave...​

For me, (and most people) physical affection (not just sex) is a big chunk of a relationship. Take it away and I'm like a chair with three legs. Is it important to you? What is a relationship to you? What stops you from being affectionate?​

With giving affection there's always the possibility of rejection...Are you afraid of being rejected?​

Please do some soul searching...he sounds like a really good man you don't wanna loose.​

 

[locabouthair]

Send him my way.

I know right
OP, your guy seems to be really into you. I dont understand, if you are into him as well, why wouldnt you want to show affection?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

You need to learn to compromise, because there are too many women ready to woo your man.

I am not really an affectionate person either, but my boyfriend is. He likes it, and even though I play like I don't like it, he'll chase me around and kiss me and stuff. I've grown to like and love it, even when I myself am not an initiator.

I don't trip over morning breath, or garlic breath or none of that. It is what it is and your affection needs to show that.

If you have that man at the point he's about to cry and you're considering giving him up to work it out... that's not good!

Start small and keep asking him to teach you how to love him!

 

[Ms Red]

Hi Aidenberry

First I was going to ask if you were attracted to him. But I saw you posted that you are.

Do you think removing the sexual side of the relationship will work? Just long enough for you both to have time/experience getting to know each others' idiosyncrasies (sp?) and quirks. This would open the line of communication also and stop sex from feeling like a race to the finish line.

Sex probably complicates things. Maybe I'm wrong? Anyway, I really hope you two work out in the long run. Spending non-sexual time with him will give you the opportunity to 'like' him not just lust after him. And perhaps become friends as well as lovers? This seems like it would facilitate communication instead of having the sexual relationship and then the stark contrast of acting coldly/like brothers and sisters the next day. Like the other poster said, there has to be some compromise, right? HTH.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

OP, try searching deep within yourself for the answer. I think you probably already know.

If you ask me, I THINK it might stem from a fear of rejection deep inside. I'm guessing this because I know that I was not the touchy-feely type (even with family members) and when I really REALLY did a self-examination I came to the realization that I am really afraid of rejection.

So, knowing this I have tried harder and made more of a conscious effort to be more "touchy-feely" or affectionate with my family, friends, and guys especially. I think they like that stuff.

 

[Always~Wear~Joy]

OP, try searching deep within yourself for the answer. I think you probably already know.

If you ask me, I THINK it might stem from a fear of rejection deep inside. I'm guessing this because I know that I was not the touchy-feely type (even with family members) and when I really REALLY did a self-examination I came to the realization that I am really afraid of rejection.

So, knowing this I have tried harder and made more of a conscious effort to be more "touchy-feely" or affectionate with my family, friends, and guys especially. I think they like that stuff.

wow, this is me to a tee. I agree with you, it may stem from having a fear of rejection.

 

[Aidenberry03]

We already do this, sex is not a major part of our relationship.

Hi Aidenberry

First I was going to ask if you were attracted to him. But I saw you posted that you are.

Do you think removing the sexual side of the relationship will work? Just long enough for you both to have time/experience getting to know each others' idiosyncrasies (sp?) and quirks. This would open the line of communication also and stop sex from feeling like a race to the finish line.

Sex probably complicates things. Maybe I'm wrong? Anyway, I really hope you two work out in the long run. Spending non-sexual time with him will give you the opportunity to 'like' him not just lust after him. And perhaps become friends as well as lovers? This seems like it would facilitate communication instead of having the sexual relationship and then the stark contrast of acting coldly/like brothers and sisters the next day. Like the other poster said, there has to be some compromise, right? HTH.

 

[dlewis]

I have met a wonderful man. I prayed and asked for someone who would cherish me and love me unconditionally. Well that prayer was answered...

I know you are wondering now, if she is so happy why is she posting this

I am screwing this up. He is very affectionate. I don't know how to show him this back. He was so frustrated with me last night he was in tears. I am hurting him and I dont know how to stop. He tells me he feels rejected.

I have never been an affectionate person, whether it was kisses, hugs, holding hands, etc. I was more of a " I will get mine and you get the hell out" kind of girl. I dont want to lose him, but on the other hand I dont want him to feel unhappy (we all know where that would lead). He cares and he is showing it.

So how do I get thru this. Please help!!!!!

I know how you feel. I have been there and I am still a work in progress. People show love in different ways. But you have to learn to do some of what they want you to do.

 

[Samory07]

This really sounds like me...me and my ex bf broke up a while ago....Now there is really nice guy in the picture that wants to get close to me but I dont want him to becaue of past hurt, lies, and frustration....The only advice I can give is to really sit down and talk to him about it....Thats what I had to do I wanted to know that he wasnt to the problem...HTH

 

[Aidenberry03]

It's Over....

 

[Nina_S]

It's Over....

((((Aidenberry03))))

 

[envybeauty]

Send him my way.

i tell ya...sistas just be scheming

OP: Let this be a lesson to you. I have heard it time and time again: a woman should not hold the next guy accountable for what the prior guys did to her.

i am like this too (putting up walls), but you have to let them down at some point. i do believe that the right man will help you with that and that with this one there is A REASON why you chose not to let your guard down that maybe has something to do with him and not so much your past.

i held my guard up with one guy who was GREAT. then i saw a very explicit email he sent to a chick while i was at his house. i was like....oh ok. it was for a reason.

 

[Aidenberry03]

I did nothing to him. I did not hold him accountable for anything. I tried to make the adjustment to please him and that still was not good enough. I tried to show him the type of affection to make him feel needed...NOPE not good enough either.

He has some underlying issues also. So its for the best. If you want him, you can have him.

I gotta keep it moving. He is trying to make me feel as if I am the bad person. What about showing me love the way I like. What happened to compromise. Its not a world that revolves around him.

So I am done. No reason to try to continue to make something work if the other person is not open to receiving the change.

Oh well

 

[dlewis]

I did nothing to him. I did not hold him accountable for anything. I tried to make the adjustment to please him and that still was not good enough. I tried to show him the type of affection to make him feel needed...NOPE not good enough either.

He has some underlying issues also. So its for the best. If you want him, you can have him.
I gotta keep it moving. He is trying to make me feel as if I am the bad person. What about showing me love the way I like. What happened to compromise. Its not a world that revolves around him.

So I am done. No reason to try to continue to make something work if the other person is not open to receiving the change.

Oh well

@ the bolded. I agree with the underlined.

 

[SouthernJewel]

So I am done. No reason to try to continue to make something work if the other person is not open to receiving the change.

Oh well

And let the church say "AMEN".

I hate hate hate when someone wants change to happen overnight,dang man! Give it time bruh,give it time!

 

[MissScarlett]

I have met a wonderful man. I prayed and asked for someone who would cherish me and love me unconditionally. Well that prayer was answered...

I know you are wondering now, if she is so happy why is she posting this

I am screwing this up. He is very affectionate. I don't know how to show him this back. He was so frustrated with me last night he was in tears. I am hurting him and I dont know how to stop. He tells me he feels rejected.

I have never been an affectionate person, whether it was kisses, hugs, holding hands, etc. I was more of a " I will get mine and you get the hell out" kind of girl. I dont want to lose him, but on the other hand I dont want him to feel unhappy (we all know where that would lead). He cares and he is showing it.

So how do I get thru this. Please help!!!!!

I totally understand, that's not me either and it was always a struggle for me when dating. Guys though thought I was either icey or just playing hard to get, so the downside was they chased me harder~

I just have a hard time expressing my emotions and I keep my feelings close, probably to be guarded. Anyhoo, dh is SUPER affectionate, it was really hard for me but basically I realized it was just about letting go....letting a person show you how much they love you, accepting it and relaxing. I'm still not warm and squishy but I just put in alot of effort to do so for dh.

 

[MissScarlett]

Well I can certainly relate to this thread right here. In the past I've never been a real touchy feely luvy duvy kinda girl. So, after my divorce I said I wanted to change my ways...I wanted to be affectionate. Here's what I did....

I slowly started pressing myself to be affectionate.

• Like for instance I call people "sweetie" alot.
• I intentionally give hugs and kisses
• I tell people I luv them
• I created "Boo"...so when he came along I would be familiar with him and would feel comfortable calling him "Boo".

These are just a few things I've done and now it just comes naturally to me. If you desire to be an affectionate person...you can be one.

See you shoulda married dh, he calls EVERY female, honey, baby or sweetie, even my mom and his. My friends at first were like WTF is up with him, but he's just like that, its not a 'hit on you' thing. I swear its being raised by his single mom, he hugs everyone when he sees them, he freely tells his mom and brother he loves them. He's very affectionate with the kids, which I love.

 

[MissScarlett]

I did nothing to him. I did not hold him accountable for anything. I tried to make the adjustment to please him and that still was not good enough. I tried to show him the type of affection to make him feel needed...NOPE not good enough either.

He has some underlying issues also. So its for the best. If you want him, you can have him.

I gotta keep it moving. He is trying to make me feel as if I am the bad person. What about showing me love the way I like. What happened to compromise. Its not a world that revolves around him.

So I am done. No reason to try to continue to make something work if the other person is not open to receiving the change.



Sigh...sorry it didn't work. Lucky, I was this way and dh was willing to be patient and make me comfortable about opening up to him and thus showing affection.

 

[Aidenberry03]

Miss S

I understand where you are coming from. I decided that this was something very important to him and tried my damnest to change. I did. FOR HIM. He sucks. I will be back later...if its not one thing, its another. If change is genuine its gradual. Does not happen overnight. I am no miracle worker. But I wanted to step outside my comfort zone to accomdate him.

Whatever. I am better off with FB's. I get mine...and you get out. HOLLA

I totally understand, that's not me either and it was always a struggle for me when dating. Guys though thought I was either icey or just playing hard to get, so the downside was they chased me harder~

I just have a hard time expressing my emotions and I keep my feelings close, probably to be guarded. Anyhoo, dh is SUPER affectionate, it was really hard for me but basically I realized it was just about letting go....letting a person show you how much they love you, accepting it and relaxing. I'm still not warm and squishy but I just put in alot of effort to do so for dh.

 

[FlowerHair]

Miss S

I understand where you are coming from. I decided that this was something very important to him and tried my damnest to change. I did. FOR HIM. He sucks. I will be back later...if its not one thing, its another. If change is genuine its gradual. Does not happen overnight. I am no miracle worker. But I wanted to step outside my comfort zone to accomdate him.

Whatever. I am better off with FB's. I get mine...and you get out. HOLLA

Although it's good sometimes to step out of your comfort zone, you shouldn't have to work super hard for a man to love you and stay with you.

If he really loves you, he will stay and try to help you through that change. My SO has inspired me to change a few things and he's my biggest cheerleader. Hopefully, he feels the same.

If anything, all relationships whether good or bad make you think a little about how you want your next relationship to be...