Advice Needed!

J

jasmine26

Active Member
Hardly ever post but I need help!.

My boyfriend and I share an almost 2 yr old son. Been together for almost 4 yrs... 1.5 yrs living together. We decided to take a break and he moved out. I pushed for saying it was ok to see other people as we were gonna treat this as a break up.

Fast forward 2.5 months later we are slowly trying to reconcile that he initiated. I was dating but nothing serious. However, he admitted that he was seeing someone and had sex with his good friend's bestie. His good friend is a girl but she was among a group of couples.

Problem is I know the girl as she has occasionally been around the group while we were together. I dont care for this group as I feel they are all immature but tolerate them as they are my partners friends.

I dont really care for his good friend who I find fake and phony. But she has helped with my baby shower, kids first bday party and other things.

He promised not to hang around the group as much and to leave if she is around. However, Im now not comfortable with his friendship with his good friend who is besties with this girl. I think he should cut her off as well. He maintains that his friend is a good friend and he can keep the two issues separate.

Im now putting the breaks on the reconciliation as I dont feel comfortable. I just dont know if im being reasonable as apparently the friend didnt hook these two up.

Thanks and sorry for the long post!
 
I wouldn't want to have to deal with them being around each other and me wondering what was going on.

Why did you separate? It must have been a good reason to take such a big step. Is the relationship worth saving without this issue?

If he knew there was a chance that you would reconcile, he should have taken his hook up a little further away from home.
 
He's a good guy but I felt he was a little immature. I was doing mainly everything with baby, house, etc. He worked 6 days a week and did school part time. Never really saw each other. And the free times we had he wanted to go on double dates and not plan any quality time. Just got fed up and burnt out and asked him to leave. He's way more social than me and likes to be among others
 
FoxxyLocs said:
I wouldn't want to have to deal with them being around each other and me wondering what was going on.

Why did you separate? It must have been a good reason to take such a big step. Is the relationship worth saving without this issue?

If he knew there was a chance that you would reconcile, he should have taken his hook up a little further away from home.
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I agree with this. While he did not cheat, he has now created an awkward situation that will inevitably cause some trust issues.
 
This is too much. Trying to be productive, and raise a kid in addition to policing thus dudes every move in order to feel good about your relationship is just to much and unnecessary. We out ourselves in very toxic unhealthy situations to hang on to illusions.

Happiness trumps false security any day.

The bff isn't the bad guy. She didn't force him to have sex with her friend.

Why did y'all need a "break"? Who pushed for it?
 
He said he felt rejected and I was miserable all the time. He felt like he could no longer make me happy. We are both horrible communicators. But he refused therapy as a last resort. So I was at my wits end. I was burnt out and felt like I was running on E all the time. My resentment just kept building since the birth of our baby as I was doing everything.
 
jasmine26 said:
I pushed for saying it was ok to see other people as we were gonna treat this as a break up.
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You said this and he treated it as that and now you're uncomfortable? Is this the only reason why you are apprehensive about reconciling? If it is then it is something imo you should choose to let go. You pushed said that seeing other people is fine and it is a breakup. Also his friend did nothing wrong. Her friend was single and he slept with her bestie. She did not encourage him to cheat on you or do anything malicious to you. Your anger is misdirected. If you didn't want him to have sex with anyone else you should said that.
 
LiftedUp said:
You said this and he treated it as that and now you're uncomfortable? Is this the only reason why you are apprehensive about reconciling? If it is then it is something imo you should choose to let go. You pushed said that seeing other people is fine and it is a breakup. Also his friend did nothing wrong. Her friend was single and he slept with her bestie. She did not encourage him to cheat on you or do anything malicious to you. Your anger is misdirected. If you didn't want him to have sex with anyone else you should said that.
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Your right. Im just upset that he chose someone so close to "home". This is the issue that I am hung up on as I feel its too uncomfortable and weird for me. He stepped up and did a 360 by splitting time with the baby 50/50. He paid full daycare costs
So I finally felt like he was taking better responsiblilty.
 
^^^ He does sound like he is setting up and that is break is a wake up call. Do you think asking him to end his relationship with his "good friend" realistic? Maybe set a realistic goal for example is is never to interact with the girl he hooked up with ever again, or something else you feel comfortable with.
 
jasmine26 said:
Your right. Im just upset that he chose someone so close to "home". This is the issue that I am hung up on as I feel its too uncomfortable and weird for me. He stepped up and did a 360 by splitting time with the baby 50/50. He paid full daycare costs
So I finally felt like he was taking better responsiblilty.
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I get this. It is a very uncomfortable situation, but if it's real it can't be threaten by her/them or anyone else. Take your time to decide. If it feels right you will know.
 
God_Favor said:
This is too much. Trying to be productive, and raise a kid in addition to policing thus dudes every move in order to feel good about your relationship is just to much and unnecessary. We out ourselves in very toxic unhealthy situations to hang on to illusions.

Happiness trumps false security any day.

The bff isn't the bad guy. She didn't force him to have sex with her friend.

Why did y'all need a "break"? Who pushed for it?
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I get your point and I agree with only some of it. The BFF is most certainly the bad guy. Often women will pose as a man's bff and purposefully align themselves with his girlfriend as much as possible in order to create an illusion of trustworthiness (baby shower, parties). All the while they're just using the pseudo friendship as a convenient tool for when they plot to "interrupt" his relationship in some capacity (hooking their friend or themselves up). Ultimately it falls on the actions of the man but she definitely plays a part. No such thing as a man with a BFF when he's in a relationship with someone else IMO. She has to go. That's doesn't fly in my book anyway.

ETA: Go with your gut OP. Make a firm decision on what your gut tells you and stick to it.
 
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Browndilocks said:
I get your point and I agree with only some of it. The BFF is most certainly the bad guy. Often women will pose as a man's bff and purposefully align themselves with his girlfriend as much as possible in order to create an illusion of trustworthiness (baby shower, parties). All the while they're just using the pseudo friendship as a convenient tool for when they plot to "interrupt" his relationship in some capacity (hooking their friend or themselves up). Ultimately it falls on the actions of the man but she definitely plays a part. No such thing as a man with a BFF when he's in a relationship with someone else IMO. She has to go. That's doesn't fly in my book anyway.
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I get your point, but disagree as well . Im pro accountability. The issue is with the dude no matter how we villiainize the "other " women she has nothing to lose in the situation, he on the other hand has everything to lose so he has to be responsible for his actions.

From what was shared, we don't even know if she played a role in the hook up. And if she did the encounters supposedly only happened after the break up. And the BFF loyatly is to her friends.

Have you been in a situation with a mate that had a female bff? If so, how did it work out?
 
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Its complicated as my ex is also great friends with his good friend's boyfriend. So he doesnt want to invite her boyfriend and not her. I have a problem with the friendship now as I feel like she now has too much personal info on my ex. Im assuming that her bestie shared details regarding their relationship. I tolerated and never felt threatened ny their relationship even though she was a girl. But now im making demands on their friendship and he is not trying to hear it. So I think Im just gonna keep things apart.
 
God_Favor said:
I get your point, but disagree as well . Im pro accountability. The issue is with the dude no matter how we villiainize the "other " women she has nothing to lose in the situation, he on the other hand has everything to lose so he has to be responsible for his actions.

From what was shared, we don't even know if she played a role in the hook up. And if she did the encounters supposedly only happened after the break up. And the BFF loyatly is to her

Have you been in a situation with a mate that had a female bff? If so, how did it work out?
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Yes girl, years ago. I didn't tell him he couldn't be around her. I just made it clear that if he was going to be around her then I wasn't going to be around him. He caught on real quick. :lol:

The OP's post reminds me of a circle that I was in back in my early 20's. A bunch of guy/girl bffs. All they wound up doing was dating and covering for each other. It seemed incestuous and I couldn't be a part of that. It was a very self centered and immature clique. Not my style.
 
jasmine26 said:
Its complicated as my ex is also great friends with his good friend's boyfriend. So he doesnt want to invite her boyfriend and not her. I have a problem with the friendship now as I feel like she now has too much personal info on my ex. Im assuming that her bestie shared details regarding their relationship. I tolerated and never felt threatened ny their relationship even though she was a girl. But now im making demands on their friendship and he is not trying to hear it. So I think Im just gonna keep things apart.
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See my problem is that he is trying harder to accommodate them rather than you. They would all have to go. They way I'd make them go is by leaving myself but that's just me.
 
Browndilocks said:
Yes girl, years ago. I didn't tell him he couldn't be around her. I just made it clear that if he was going to be around her then I wasn't going to be around him. He caught on real quick. :lol:

The OP's post reminds me of a circle that I was in back in my early 20's. A bunch of guy/girl bffs. All they wound up doing was dating and covering for each other. It seemed incestuous and I couldn't be a part of that. It was a very self centered and immature clique. Not my style.
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I could tell it hit home. So you wasn't feeling the pass around game huh?
 
Browndilocks said:
See my problem is that he is trying harder to accommodate them rather than you. They would all have to go. They way I'd make them go is by leaving myself but that's just me.
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Your right! I named this clique of his "party central". They are very immature mainly boys and few have girlfriends. Not my cup of tea. I only tolerate them as my ex became close to them when he was new to the area and they all met while living in the same apt complex.

They help out my ex alot but they also dont have kids and I dont feel they're sympathetic to ex's situation. I was beyond happy to not to deal with them during our break up. The ex now says he barely hangs out with them as he know mostly has baby, works and go to school.

But the more I write, the more Its becoming clearer..lol. I just dont think Im ready to jump back in to this. I was doing great before and dont want to go backwards dealing with mess.
 
@God_Favor

Nope. And it was a large circle of people. I was dating this guy and the guy's female cousin was dating his best friend. Does that make sense? :lol:

Anyway there were always a bunch of extra chicks around. All the guys/girls were friends because they went to high school together. No matter who the girlfriends were, these chicks were always just hanging around. One time my dude's cousin was like "girl get out while you can" :look: I bounced right after that.
 
Browndilocks said:
@God_Favor

Nope. And it was a large circle of people. I was dating this guy and the guy's female cousin was dating his best friend. Does that make sense? :lol:

Anyway there were always a bunch of extra chicks around. All the guys/girls were friends because they went to high school together. No matter who the girlfriends were, these chicks were always just hanging around. One time my dude's cousin was like "girl get out while you can" :look: I bounced right after that.
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Ha! Do you know if the clique is still standing strong?
 
Browndilocks said:
They catch on :sekret:. Still trust your gut. :)
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Thanks! Your clique sounds like his clique. Some have girlfriends. The ones who dont always has girls hanging around. I really would like for him to dump the whole crew.

But your right. It was a relief to not deal with the crowd during the break and Im just gonna keep moving forward. As I feel he does sometimes pick his friends before me. And he doesnt want to lose his friends. So im just gonna stick to coparenting. Thanks
 
Op I think the age difference is playing a factor. He's younger and less mature than you are. He still wants to hang and be carefree. I think your decision is wise to just co-parent for now. Maybe you all will come together as a couple down the road once he matures a little more. I think he also sees you as the Matriarch in your relationship instead of a partner, which means you will probably spend a lifetime trying to get him to fully accept the responsibilities you share. Whatever you decide... keep in mind that you want a peace of mind while you raise your child.
 
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