Advice needed

[Seraphina]

I don't generally post this kind of stuff here, but I'm so frustrated and it's late so I don't want to call anyone. Here's my problem right as I type this.

A couple weeks ago I started dating an ex BF of mine from about a year and a half ago. He's a decent person generally speaking and there were things about him that I missed after we broke up. I am now being reminded of one of the few issues we had.

He has a massive sense of entitlement to my body and refuses to respect boundaries. This was always the case. It was literally like he couldn't fall asleep without groping me (mainly my boobs) and would just stay like that all night. It got to the point where I almost felt like a sex toy for him because I couldn't be near him without being manhandled.

Well, right now I'm dealing with some bad ulcers (even have surgery scheduled for it) and he knows this. He knows that I'm in pain, on medication and am exhausted between that and my final exams. Yet, we go to bed and once again he just cannot help himself and is not letting me fall asleep because he won't just let me lay and relax. This went on for almost an hour when I got out of bed and came on my computer, watching TV. He came in about a half hour later and asked me to come back to bed and that he was sorry he "couldn't help it."

So I did and when we got there he said, "Look. I think you just let me play with your boobs for five minutes and then we can go to sleep." So I left again and here I am almost in tears. I am EXHAUSTED and desperately want to sleep but instead, it's almost 2am and I'm wide awake because he refuses to allow me to doze off without being fondled.

This is my first time dealing with this at this extreme. I understand that men get really touchy-feely with the woman in his bed. I get that and don't take issue with that so much. But in this situation, it's continuing after I explicitly told him that I'm in pain and tired and want to be left alone...just for tonight at least PLEASE and he's practically making me barter the privilege of sleeping comfortably for his own petty desires.

Sorry this is so long but my question is...does this sound normal to other people and I'm just being a prude or would you be upset as well? Like I said, I've had other relationships and this hasn't been an issue so I don't think I'm being naive, but maybe I'm wrong? If your dh or so wants sex do you feel obligated even if you are genuinely not feeling well?

 

[Teja]

I'm sorry your going through this OP.... but the only thing I can say is from my experience it's never a good idea getting back with an ex... because the reasons you had that caused the relationship to end ...will usually reappear at one point!

If this already bothered you the first time around...maybe you should have a serious talk with him and see if he changes ...IMO it has nothing to do with being a prude ....the main issue here is that it makes you feel uncomfortable!

 

[FemmeCreole]

I think you need to have a sit down with him and let him know the severity of the situation. I don't think he wants to cause you pain however he needs to really get it in his head that what his doing is bringing you discomfort. If it continues then sleep in separate beds and he'll realize that you're serious about this.

 

[ThickHair]

Go home or don't let him spend the night.

 

[Seraphina]

Thanks ladies. I decided that it's just not gonna work. There are a couple of other issues that really were deal-breakers at the time and I let a few of our mutual friends talk me into giving him a second chance. And this is not going to change. When I confront him and get angry, it's almost like a turn-on for him. So this is not gonna stop. I'm seeing that it's some kind of compulsion.

And yes, it made me uncomfortable both physically and emotionally because when he behaves like this I almost look at my SO as a pervert or something, which is horrible.

For the record, I would've just gone home but we don't live that close to each other and with how tired I was I couldn't bring myself to drive that far. And my concern is not just regarding bedtime. He's on top of me no matter what time of day.

 

[Evolving78]

i have been there before with my ex. tell him straight up that he is overstepping his boundaries. you should not have to barter and beg for peace when it comes to your sleep an overall your body. tell him you feel violated when he does those things and it makes you very uncomfortable and unhappy.

you have to be extreme with it, in order for that person to get where you are coming from. or he might take it there in his head, but if that is how he feels/thinks then so be it. (molest, date rape).

i remember i had just had my second c-section and was being pushed into having sex, or when i was having pain from gall stones. or just extremely tired, etc.... i didn't like how he would just grab on me either. there was nothing arousing about it. just felt like i was being man handled.

talk to him and if he doesn't get it, leave him alone.

 

[BrownBetty]

I had a similar issue with the ex early in our rlp. If I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted he was on me. I had a talk with him. I told him I didn't like feeling like his fcuk toy. That if I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted my expectation was for him to care for me not try to get it in. I also mentioned that me saying "no" or being resistant to being touched was not an affront to him or lack of desire towards him (during that time). He understood and turned it down a lot.

If you talk to him and he doesn't care, bounce.

 

[Seraphina]

I had a similar issue with the ex early in our rlp. If I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted he was on me. I had a talk with him. I told him I didn't like feeling like his fcuk toy. That if I wasn't feeling well or was exhausted my expectation was for him to care for me not try to get it in. I also mentioned that me saying "no" or being resistant to being touched was not an affront to him or lack of desire towards him (during that time). He understood and turned it down a lot.

If you talk to him and he doesn't care, bounce.

The bolded has been a problem. For whatever reason he just doesn't wanna hear it and completely ignores me. I think it stems from a few things. First, like I said he just has a massive sense of entitlement to me and my body...as if it belongs to him. This might be because he is such a "catch" on paper that he's used to getting what he wants when he wants it from women. Second, he just doesn't care and it's gotten to the point, I think, where he just feels like if he is persistent and relentless about it that he'll wear me down and I'll be doing tired to resist him. And that worked for a while. Finally, he does this in public, too and I think he makes a point to both show me off and let other men know that I'm taken.

The public part is equally annoying because it's just not appropriate. He doesn't pull any of the raunchy stuff in public. Like he doesn't grope my chest when we're out (although he will make a point to put his hand on my arse when we're out). But an example is lunch the other day. Literally while I was eating he reached across the table and just started stroking my face. Trying to put food in my mouth when someone is stroking my cheek is annoying and awkward. But when I finally asked him to back off, he got defensive and was like, "Fine. Sorry I wanna be close to you, I guess.

Yeah, I'm done.

 

[firecracker]

Sorry your experiencing this. All I can say from experience is don't allow his uncontrollable perverted behavior to mar your view on sex and intimacy. Feeling objectified can cause some women to never really open up sexually so purge that fool and his disrespectful sexual behavior.

 

[Seraphina]

Sorry your experiencing this. All I can say from experience is don't allow his uncontrollable perverted behavior to mar your view on sex and intimacy. Feeling objectified can cause some women to never really open up sexually so purge that fool and his disrespectful sexual behavior.

THIS is a really good point because I said something about this the first time I broke up with him. I was indeed concerned about the fact that sex was something I was no longer looking forward to. It became almost a duty and something I did to just keep him off of me for a couple hours. And I don't want to live that way, so you're exactly right. And I would literally sleep on the very edge of my side of the bed with my arms wrapped around myself just to try and keep him from putting his hand up my shirt. It's not worth it and I am starting to not view intimacy as a positive thing and I was never like that before. I really don't have sexual issues other than this.

 

[MzLady78]

Thanks ladies. I decided that it's just not gonna work. There are a couple of other issues that really were deal-breakers at the time and I let a few of our mutual friends talk me into giving him a second chance. And this is not going to change. When I confront him and get angry, it's almost like a turn-on for him. So this is not gonna stop. I'm seeing that it's some kind of compulsion.

And yes, it made me uncomfortable both physically and emotionally because when he behaves like this I almost look at my SO as a pervert or something, which is horrible.

For the record, I would've just gone home but we don't live that close to each other and with how tired I was I couldn't bring myself to drive that far. And my concern is not just regarding bedtime. He's on top of me no matter what time of day.

I can't blame you. Not only is his behavior disrespectful, it's incredibly selfish. This right here- "Look. I think you just let me play with your boobs for five minutes and then we can go to sleep" pissed me off and it didn't even happen to me. I think you should have definitely left this one in the past.

 

[Seraphina]

I can't blame you. Not only is his behavior disrespectful, it's incredibly selfish. This right here- "Look. I think you just let me play with your boobs for five minutes and then we can go to sleep" pissed me off and I didn't even happen to me. I think you should have definitely left this one in the past.

I agree. The reason this was even allowed to cycle and happen again is because I really like the guy. We were good friends for over a year before we started dating and after we broke up I would run into him here and there at get-togethers and he's such a great guy as far not being in a romantic relationship with him. I always like hanging out with him and enjoyed his company as a friend so it was easy for a time for all the bad memories to be clouded a bit.

 

[MzLady78]

I agree. The reason this was even allowed to cycle and happen again is because I really like the guy. We were good friends for over a year before we started dating and after we broke up I would run into him here and there at get-togethers and he's such a great guy as far not being in a romantic relationship with him. I always like hanging out with him and enjoyed his company as a friend so it was easy for a time for all the bad memories to be clouded a bit.

Understandable. Just a lesson learned for the future.

 

[BrownBetty]

Yeah that is rough, you may have to throw in the towel. If your bf doesn't care about your feelings no amount of talking to him is going to matter. I hate that he feels entitled to your body. That after you have voiced your displeasure it seems he brushes it aside and tries to broker a deal. (hugs).... don't let this pervert how you see sex and intimacy. The next person you are with will respect your body and boundaries...

This to will pass...

 

[Seraphina]

Yeah that is rough, you may have to throw in the towel. If your bf doesn't care about your feelings no amount of talking to him is going to matter. I hate that he feels entitled to your body. That after you have voiced your displeasure it seems he brushes it aside and tries to broker a deal. (hugs).... don't let this pervert how you see sex and intimacy. The next person you are with will respect your body and boundaries...

This to will pass...

Yeah, I already told him that I'm over it. And he had sorta figured as much because he could tell I was really upset.

Thanks for the well wishes. I'll be fine. The sad thing is that I didn't really wanna be with him and I allowed myself to be pressured into giving him another chance by mutual friends and his sister who were adamant that he had learned so much and wanted the opportunity to try again. Hopefully he'll find someone as needy as he is.

 

[NYAmicas]

He sounds like he has some issues and you sound like you arent feeling him anyway which is understandable, Give him his walking papers because he is not going to change anytime soon.

 

[Seraphina]

He sounds like he has some issues and you sound like you arent feeling him anyway which is understandable, Give him his walking papers because he is not going to change anytime soon.

Yep. He was served this morning.

 

[ms.mimi]

Some men you have to show and prove. If you don't break up with him you should consider NOT sleeping at his place and not allowing him to sleep at yours. Don't give in to begging, promises, talks, etc....I'm not talking about a few weeks I mean 4-6 months. He'll be so scared to grope you he may even sleep on the edge.
However, he sounds like the type that will have your head all messed up in the sex dept. if you keep on with him, you really need to run.

 

[Seraphina]

Some men you have to show and prove. If you don't break up with him you should consider NOT sleeping at his place and not allowing him to sleep at yours. Don't give in to begging, promises, talks, etc....I'm not talking about a few weeks I mean 4-6 months. He'll be so scared to grope you he may even sleep on the edge.
However, he sounds like the type that will have your head all messed up in the sex dept. if you keep on with him, you really need to run.

It's really a shame that he doesn't understand the bolded. It's hard to explain to him because there's no equivalency with this for a male. I remember discussing this with a male friend the first time we were together and he confirmed my suspicion...if I tried to ask him, "How would you feel if I was on top of you all the time, and was unable to keep my hands off your private parts,etc." the response would be, "Bring it! That sounds awesome."

I think that, with a few exceptions, men can never understand what emotions come up for women when they're treated like sex toys.

 

[Nonie]

I haven't read the other responses OP but I don't think you're being a prude. I think he's being a real a-hole. I'm sorry but NO means NO! He's selfish and doesn't have any respect for you or care if you can be hurting and that alone doesn't make him go limp and be filled with compassion. I'm sorry but I hate pressure and you need to put your foot down so he can know what you expect from him if this is to go anywhere.

I know this doesn't help, Sweetie, but I have NEVER given an ex a second thought. There's a reason they are an ex. Even in cases where it was pressure from folks, I just appreciate the good I got from that relationship, close that door and never look back. I don't even try to be friends. Steve Harvey's book tells you to think like a man. No man will put up with BS he doesn't like. No man will let you disrespect him. So you need to let this dude know just what you will not put up with, or you will really be abused.

I just noticed your last sentence in the psot above "Men can never understand what emotions come up for women when they're treated like sex toys" but I want to tell you that men do pay attention when you make them pay attention and they do LEARN to respect you enough to TRY to understand if YOU stop acting easy or like you're a pushover. I am sorry but what you're describing is how date rape happens and by the time it gets that far, dude has you believing you led him on and he couldn't help himself and you blame yourself and let him get away with it. You need to nip this BS in the bud pronto.

If you kick him out now, trust me, he'll have more respect for you next time. Guys will push your buttons to see just what it is you will allow, but the minute they find out you're not about BS, they start to treat you like the queen you are. Stop acting like he's the only man you'll ever have. You deserve better and he can either shape up or ship out. Unless you don't mind getting your *** beaten up as you're humped up your *** then being left in a heap while he goes out to see his bit on the side when you two are married, you need to really decide what you want for your life and make sure dude knows it, respects it or gets the heck out of your life.

Dude must really have your number if he can be an ex and return with such shenanigans. You need to stop being so transparent to him where he seems to know just what he can get away with. Dude will respect you when you show him that you are not that easy chick he thought you are. He will give you what you deserve and want if you make it known ASAP what you need. Like seriously tell him what he's doing is no different rape. Sometimes you have to speak a language they understand for them to get it.

ETA: Some dude who was a good friend was playing some game and he somewhat came so close to me that he might as well have been pinning me to the wall. I lost it. Really turned psycho and it scared him. A day that had been going so well was ruined by his invading my personal space. What's more is earlier he'd wanted us to cuddle when I don't do such ish with people who are not my SO, yuck. When we talked later over the phone I told him in no uncertain terms that his behavior was so out of order that it felt like I was being raped. Dude was so shocked that he even threw up and talked to his roomie (a girl and they both thought I was a drama queen). I don't care, that's what pressure that involves intimacy feels like to me... Like I'm being smothered and can't breathe. *SCREAMS* And while he was so hurt that I used the R word, I got the message across and he never pulled that BS around me. So yes, guys will hear you if you stop acting like you're just playing.

And BTW, you don't even have to be in pain, if you're not in the mood, then dude needs to go to the bathroom and choke a chicken. No means effin no!

E again TA: And this is why I need to read the entire thread before posting a lot of redundancy. But I'll just leave this up in case someone else is putting up with this BS. I honestly can't stand "entitlement" that is so out of place. Sorry for the redundant post OP. I still can't believe the rant I was on. I'd submit and return with "And another thing...rant rant rant" and all that time the service was already over and my passionately preaching with eyes closed butt hadn't noticed that the pews were empty.

 

[texasqt]

I see you've given him his walking papers already but I wanted to type that you just aren't into him. I had a similar annoying situation and my mom told me I wasn't into him because - translated for your situation - if "(you) had been into him, you'd let him (grope more than just your boobies, sick or not)."

 

[MzLady78]

I see you've given him his walking papers already but I wanted to type that you just aren't into him. I had a similar annoying situation and my mom told me I wasn't into him because - translated for your situation - if "(you) had been into him, you'd let him (grope more than just your boobies, sick or not)."

I have to disagree that not letting him grope her all the time meant that she wasn't into him. If she wasn't into him, she wouldn't have gotten back with him in the first place.

As much as I enjoy sex and intimacy, I wouldn't appreciate being treated like some kind of sex toy to be played with whenever he feels like it. And then to try to use my body like some kind of bargaining chip (oh, if you just let me do x, y, we can do a, b and c)? Hell no, unacceptable.