?

[weaveologist]

Quick question:

Say you are dating someone who is sorta perfect (because no one is). He's cute, educated, great career, loves you, gives you allll the attention, and the package is niiiiice from what you can measure with the eye .... But you feel no spark. You know that feeling that makes you feel like he is your soul mate or the chemistry between to people that makes them feel like they belong together? You don't feel that! Its been years (he's been courting you for years but you all just started dating a few weeks ago) and you know there is something missing in how you feel about him. You like him, but its a tolerable like, not a "I just can't live without him" like.

Do you just let him go or continue dating to see if that spark ever ignites?

 

[Poohbear]

This happened to me!!! Back in January, this guy approached me wanting to talk to me, and he was handsome, educated, with a job, seemed like everything was perfect. I started seeing him and dating him and still didn't have that spark. He would invite me to go with him to places and show me a lot of attention, and I still had no spark for him. After a few weeks of dating, he asked me to be his woman. I was hesistant at first and then decided to give the guy a chance after a couple of days of thinking. Still no spark...

Fast forward....It took about 2 months to actually start feeling something for him. Now, we've been together for 8 months and I now care for him, love him, want to be around him more, and can't wait til the next time I see him. Plus, we've even talked about marriage and our future together.

So I would say continue to date him. It won't hurt to give him a chance. You never know what will happen.

 

[weaveologist]

I hear you and thank you. But its been YEARS and I don't feel a thing. Now when we first met, admittedly my heart was into someone else, so we dated BRIEFLY and I left it alone. During these years in between he has been in the background professing his interest and love for me, but I just couldn't see myself with him. So now that my heart is free to love someone else, I am trying not to be so stupid and give him another chance, but I still don't feel a thing.

 

[TayMac]

I would say let him move on to someone else and keep him as a great friend. Every man isn't meant to be the one. Maybe the reason you feel compelled to continue with him is because he seemingly has the "total package" that most want.

Sometimes love does blossom but it seems like you would have SOME spark. It doesn't have to be head over heels love but it sounds like you are barely feeling him.

 

[Jade Feria]

I agree with TayMac. There's a reason why the spark/chemistry isn't there. Don't wait around to find out why.

 

[tiara76]

they make great friends when you are honest with them...if they are truly into you they are around in your life as people who just love you and they go on with their lives as long as you don't lead them on making them think its something its not

another one of my best male friends I have been knowing for 10 years is like that...he is a great guy...just never been feeling him on sexual be together levels.....we go out to eat, watch movies, i cook for him, work out, we can sleep together, i lay on him, he comes in and sits in the bathroom with me while im taking a bath, we have a great time together and we love each other....and he looks good on top of that..its still not "that" relationship nor am I moved to want to be in a romantic one with him , but I love the relationship we have and i know its a genuine one, no games honesty, trust and acceptance of what is is what is...no need to make it into anything it isn't, let it be what it is

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree that you should give him a chance. Sometimes the sparks aren't always there in the beginning. They weren't really there in the beginning with me and my current SO, but now they are and they get bigger and bigger with the passing days! I'd say if you give him a chance and you still feel nothing, then it's a good idea to let it go.

 

[Barbie83]

I only feel sparks with tatted-up, muscle-y thuggish bad boys. what does that tell you?? lol

give him a chance!!!!!!!

 

[princessnad]

This has happened to me. I've always dated the "good on paper" types. After that, I learned that I just CAN'T be with someone when we don't have that spark.

You live and you learn. That year was absolute TORTURE!

ETA: In the end I just ruined the chance of a good friendship and I am quite sure he hates me because of the hurt of being in a relationship and just ending it. If you care about his feelings, don't put him through this if you aren't feeling it.

 

[Poohbear]

I hear you and thank you. But its been YEARS and I don't feel a thing. Now when we first met, admittedly my heart was into someone else, so we dated BRIEFLY and I left it alone. During these years in between he has been in the background professing his interest and love for me, but I just couldn't see myself with him. So now that my heart is free to love someone else, I am trying not to be so stupid and give him another chance, but I still don't feel a thing.

Oh! I just re-read your original post and see that you did not just meet this guy, you have known him for years. I would think that he is in the "just friends" zone. Maybe you should be honest with him about how you feel toward him and maybe he'll back off.

 

[weaveologist]

Thanks for your replies ladies. As time progresses, I am opening up more to him. We are spending a few days together soon, so we'll see what happens. Its not that I don't like him. Its just a connection that I felt in the past with others, that I do not feel with him. That could be me comparing him to my most recent ex which I shouldn't be doing....Anyway, I will give you ladies an update.

 

[weaveologist]

******deleted*

 

[weaveologist]

This was my mom's response when I chatted with her about it via email.

This actually brought tears to my eyes. It says so little, but sooo much:

Take your time and enjoy the ride with him. He could be the man that you have been waiting for. My prayer has been that you meet someone who loves you unconditionally, and that will treat you and your son well. It is a wonderful feeling to be adored by your man. Don't look at superficial stuff, what our friends will think, how he looks. The true test of love is "how does he treat you. Does he make your heart smile? Can he provide a comfortable future for you and your son? Does he compliment your life or complicate it? Take a chance on love. Unfortunately, the women in our family haven't provided you with many examples of good, stable men. But they are out there. We tend to push the good ones away for vain reasons. I pray God's blessings and favor upon every aspect of your life. Your record is playing: will you stand on the wall or will you dance?????

Dance Baby, just Dance.

Love Mom

 

[gabulldawg]

Thanks for your replies ladies. As time progresses, I am opening up more to him. We are spending a few days together soon, so we'll see what happens. Its not that I don't like him. Its just a connection that I felt in the past with others, that I do not feel with him. That could be me comparing him to my most recent ex which I shouldn't be doing....Anyway, I will give you ladies an update.

I can admit that the bolded was what I did with my current SO. I was doing any and everything to convince myself that he wasn't it and that I should go back to my ex. I'm really glad that I didn't make that mistake. My ex continues to show me that it was a good idea for me to move on, while the new guy continues to show me that he deserves me.

 

[gn1g]

moms advice is beautiful.

 

[Deluxe]

I'm mad you made me have to click on that small question mark to get in here, lol.

Mom's advice is pretty solid. My grandmother told me to only entertain men who were completely head over heels for me and in so many words men who I would not lose my head over.

I felt nothing but curiosity for my husband when we started talking, after three months I realized I felt something for him. He told me that he loved me first, I told him I loved him five or so months later. After a year of dating I knew I didn't want to live without him and I felt intense love because he was so good to me.

 

[newbiemom]

Listen to mom.

 

[ThickHair]

This was my mom's response when I chatted with her about it via email.

This actually brought tears to my eyes. It says so little, but sooo much:

Take your time and enjoy the ride with him. He could be the man that you have been waiting for. My prayer has been that you meet someone who loves you unconditionally, and that will treat you and your son well. It is a wonderful feeling to be adored by your man. Don't look at superficial stuff, what our friends will think, how he looks. The true test of love is "how does he treat you. Does he make your heart smile? Can he provide a comfortable future for you and your son? Does he compliment your life or complicate it? Take a chance on love. Unfortunately, the women in our family haven't provided you with many examples of good, stable men. But they are out there. We tend to push the good ones away for vain reasons. I pray God's blessings and favor upon every aspect of your life. Your record is playing: will you stand on the wall or will you dance?????

Dance Baby, just Dance.

Love Mom

Not throwing stones at your mom, but everyone says that, but what if he ISN'T THE ONE, then what. You are going to be kicking yourself.

I sorta use that as a reply when people ask me about having kids. I tell them that I am not a kids person. They always say, "Well that will change once you have your own". I always rely, "Well wonder if it doesn't, then what?" I have never received a valid reply from that. I usually get the witty, uncomfortable reply, "Oh girl you are so silly. You would love your kid." Then again, I reply "Well, what about all these parents who do horrible things to their kids, oh, yeah they do it out of love." By then 99.9% of the people change the subject.

 

[MzLady78]

This was my mom's response when I chatted with her about it via email.

This actually brought tears to my eyes. It says so little, but sooo much:

Take your time and enjoy the ride with him. He could be the man that you have been waiting for. My prayer has been that you meet someone who loves you unconditionally, and that will treat you and your son well. It is a wonderful feeling to be adored by your man. Don't look at superficial stuff, what our friends will think, how he looks. The true test of love is "how does he treat you. Does he make your heart smile? Can he provide a comfortable future for you and your son? Does he compliment your life or complicate it? Take a chance on love. Unfortunately, the women in our family haven't provided you with many examples of good, stable men. But they are out there. We tend to push the good ones away for vain reasons. I pray God's blessings and favor upon every aspect of your life. Your record is playing: will you stand on the wall or will you dance?????

Dance Baby, just Dance.

Love Mom

Wow.....beautiful put! Go 'head, mama!!!!!

 

[caltron]

Your mom's response was beautiful...

From what you've written, you just don't seem to be in love with this man. You have been dating him long enough to get that spark, and it just doesn't seem to be there. I think all of the advice about giving it time is fine for women who really aren't really giving a guy a chance, but you really seem to have tried.

I think a marriage to a man you don't love would be miserable even if the he does treat you like a queen. In fact, his constant fawning over you would make you hate him more.

I believe you can find a man that is good and treats you well AND one that you love in return.