NEED SOME SUPPORT...I ALMOST WANT TO CRY

[*closer*2*my*dreams*]

OK, make a long story short, my best friend is knocking everything i do. She has never had a relaxer and her hair is naturally curly (loose curls) and it's healthy for the most part. she can wear wash & gos or straighten as much as she wants. Any way, moving along. Since I joined I dreamed of having naturally curly hair (my natural hair grows in a natural curl pattern which I have yet to determine).

I have told my friend that I am currently transitioning and the info that I have learned from you all the past few months....she told me it was worthless pretty much...

Last week (while I still had a sew-in) we were getting ready to go to the club, I was trying to put some leave-in conditioner and moisturizer on my natural hair that was showing in the back so I can put it in a ponytail. She looked back there and said "wow, that's nothing but a bunch of naps" (in my opinion, it was very thick, but FAR from nappy!! True I had curls back there and a few relaxed starnds, but it was very moisturized, thick , and curly for the most part)... My feelings was crushed and I immediately corrected her and she said "yeah yeah, whatever you say...Then as I was combing the front into a hump she stated that my natural hair would never be silky like the weave (which was false, I had'nt had the opportunity to straighten it and blend it in)

From that experience I felt as if she didn't like the idea of me trying to grow natural curly hair such as hers (even though my natural curl pattern is a lot tighter than hers) and I felt that she assumed that only she could have "good" hair...

Fast forward to last night... I was sitting on her bed and I had my back against her wall and she said "you know last week I had to get oil off of my wall from your hair" I said my bad...she then said that her stylist told her oil was bad for my scalp and that i shouldnt use soo much (it wasnt oil that was on my scalp. it was leave-in conditioner and a detangler, I hadn't used my mn mix in a few days, I've been slacking). So i told her it wasnt oil and she said whatever it was, it was still bad...

I washed my hair over her house last night as well. I decided to clarify with my amla shine shampoo, use ORS mayo mixed with honey and evoo. I then patted my hair dry with a towel then used my detangler and leave-in conditoner as well as a straightening balm (I was actually attempting to blow dry my hair straight, something I have not done since joining). Well her dryer was not getting warm enough, even on the highest setting, so I stopped and just placed a shower cap over my head and fell asleep ( I didnt have the patience nor the energy to continue)...

Wake up this morning and begin to put my hair in a ponytail and she gasps and says "your hair looks hard". Clearly it wasnt, it was soft and moisturized and I told her that. I told her I tried her blowdrier and it failed me. She said I should not have put the leave-in conditioner or straightening balm in my head, that it blocked the heat from drying and I told her no that was not the problem. The she said had i rubbed the towl and shaked it through my entire head (an obvious no no that even my WORST stylist told me to never do) that my hair would have dried better (she refused to believe it was her blow dryer). I told her whatever and then proceeded to put my crinkly phony pony in (because it matches my texture and EVERYONE thinks it's my hair, you can't tell the difference) She states that it looks horrible and that my hair does not even come clos to that texture...

I love my friend, dearly, we've been best friends for some time now and do EVERYTHING together. I don't want to tell her to keep her com,ments to herself (because she does have my best interest in mind) but I don't want to tell her off (because I value our friendship and she is the type of person to just shut down)...

I know this is really long, but I'm almost in tears because I don't know if she's jealous of me trying to get healthy hair, if she's a hater or what...some help please...for a newbie...

 

[michaela]

I know How you Feel!
I Go through the same thing everyday!
Keep doing what you are doing!
Your hair Seems to be in Great Condition!
My Friends Always try to tell me how i should do this or that and that my hair looks a mess and its to Wavy and Nappy and Curly!
I LOVE MY NAPPY WAVY CURLY Whatever they want to call it hair!
And you should too!
they think i dont do nothing with it besides putting it in a Bun
i just look in their Faces and smile Because i know i take care of my hair!

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Awwww I would first tell her how badly she is making me feel. She's your friend, and friends are not meant to break us down, they are here to build us up.

I wouldn't be be mean or hasty when telling her how I felt, but I would be straight to the point. Face to face I would say, you remember yesterday when you said this. It really hurt my feelings and I didn't appreciate it.

I wouldn't say "I'm sorry for having to say this but...." or anything to that effect because it implies that you are doing something wrong not her, I would just be honest and tell her she really hurt my feelings when she talks down to me, since she is your best friend she should be more supportive of yoru hair journey as you are for her.

Don't let her deter you from being natural either. Remember, "A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. " ~Arnold Glasow You probably have a nice texture, it's jsut different from hers.

If you say it and are sincere, she shouldn't have a problem with it. If she does, that's her hang up not yours. You did what you were supposed to do. You were informing her that she was being very disrespectful towards your feelings, and that is very unfriendly

 

[dinaaike]

Tell her the short version of what you posted here: that you love her dearly and know that she has your best interest at heart, but that you'd rather she kept her comments to herself.

It's honest and it's not hurtful. She thinks she's being honest with you, so show her the same courtesy.

You already know that there will be an adjustment period while you find out what works best for you. That's not something you can rush, and she shouldn't try to rush it either. Patience is key to this entire journey, both for you and everyone that interacts with you. If she can't offer you that, then she should stop the commentary altogether, while you work out the specifics on your new undertaking.

Good luck!

 

[january noir]

I don't know if she's jealous of me trying to get healthy hair, if she's a hater or what...some help please...for a newbie...

You don't? Newbie or not, after reading your story, I knew she was...
Love your friend, but understand that even some "friends" should be loved from afar. When you get older and experience life more, you'll understand.

Oh. we call folks like these frenemies.

 

[lilsparkle825]

this is the evil in me, but you could always add a little relaxer to her bottle of leave-in (or whatever she uses since it sounds like she uses nothing at all). but i digress.

this is the problem lots of us face, especially while transitioning, no matter whether the naysayers are natural or have been relaxed since birth. they are always quick to talk about someone's nappy hair, then when your hair is long and thick they want to touch it and pout. don't worry about her.

oh, and if you were thinking about taking the high road...either save your hair time for when you are alone so you can truly revel in all your new discoveries, or just tell her to stick a sock in it. if she's really your friend she'll realize she's being more hurtful than helpful and she will turn those taunts into compliments.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Are you sure she's your friend? Bless you, I hate to see your enemies. If you want to keep her as a friend, and I know this is up to you but I'm just throwing out ideas, might I suggest you call her out on her crap? Whenever she says something hurtful, ask her if she knows she's being hurtful. I like to ask people instead of tell because I've found (and I'm a psychology major so forgive me), that it knocks out their defenses. For instance if I say "That's hurtful" people usually will say "no it's not" or "you took it the wrong way." Versus, "Did you know that was hurtful?" Which usually stuns people and even if they say a response like "No it's not", I just would say "Well regardless of what you think, it is to me and you need to stop". Another thing I'd call her out on if you don't want to do something like that is "Why do you care?" Next time she says something about you just say for instance "Why do you care? It's not your hair. Why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me". So for example "your hair doesn't match that texture" "why do you care? It's not your hair, why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me." I love the why do you care line because most people don't want to admit that they're being a jackass and nosing in other people's lives. I use it for everything anytime someone is being a jerk. "You don't look good in that color" "why do you care?" "You think you're all that with your hair" "Why do you care?" "who do you think you are?" "Why do you care?" Really why do they. I get lots of cattiness because of the length of my hair. But I just come at someone when they do it, and they shut up or say something lame like" Uh...I don't I was just...." and I'm like "Yeah whatever" and move on.

In your case, your friend has been the center of attention, and probabaly doesn't like you moving in on her territory. Also regardless of if your hair was 4b or 3a, she shouldn't call your hair nappy. That's inappropriate and unnecessary and I would say that. Every hair texture is beautiful.

Most importantly talk about anything but hair, if you don't take any other piece of advice above. Don't share anything about the forum or she may take cracks at it.

 

[cmw45]

I think the best thing for you to do is continue doing what you are doing if it is working for you. You're friend probably does have your best interest at heart. However, maybe this part of your hair journey is something you might not want to share. Perhaps you can honor her wishes and keep your head of her walls but say to her when you makes comments, "can you let me live." Or something else like that and move th conversation along.

 

[Cassandra1975]

Another thing I'd call her out on if you don't want to do something like that is "Why do you care?" Next time she says something about you just say for instance "Why do you care? It's not your hair. Why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me". So for example "your hair doesn't match that texture" "why do you care? It's not your hair, why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me."

You guys are so much nicer than me. I need to work on that.

She would be mad with me by the time we had this discussion. I bolded this part of luckiestdestiny's post, because this would be the closest thing to me saying something nice to her about this.

 

[Nay]

I don't know why folks feel as though they have to tell us every stinking thing that is on their mind. You should tell her that when you want her opinion, you will ask her for it. Also tell her that you are tired of her being such a negative vibe merchant, that it is YOUR hair and that her comments are getting on your last nerve. (Say all of this in a sincere, unangry way, but let her know that enough is enough).

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

I bet your hair is pretty and it sounds like you take great care of it. She's probably jealous...for real.

Sorry you feel bad...feel better!

 

[hothair]

OK first things first- u know there's nothing wrong with your hair. If you are really friends you should be able to tell her that her comments are hurtful and if she has nothing positive to say she can keep them to herself! I personally believe she's being mean because she thinks you want to have hair like hers and doesn't like the thought of not being the only one with naturally curly hair, u should address that- there's no point being friends with someone you can't be honest and comfortable with. That's my 2 cents
Looking forward to the pic of your BC

 

[ricochet]

...because I don't know if she's jealous of me trying to get healthy hair, if she's a hater or what...[/COLOR][/FONT][/I][/B]

I think you answered your own question. It sounds as if she wants to be the one and only one, with healthy (bka "good") hair. That way, she will continue to get all of the attention with her "good hair" when you all go out, and you will "always" have to wear weave to get the "same" effect. I know she is your friend and you love her, but I would not take the commenting anymore. I would politely let her know that the buck stops here.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

You guys are so much nicer than me. I need to work on that.

She would be mad with me by the time we had this discussion. I bolded this part of luckiestdestiny's post, because this would be the closest thing to me saying something nice to her about this.

In my head other stuff would be coming out in expletives @#$%$$##@@@!!!!!!!, but I know that doesn't work with people you care about. At least, if you want them in your life. I personally would cut that girl off, but it seems that she wants her in her life. Now if it were a complete stranger.....

 

[*Luscious*Locked*Doc]

Girl you know I feel for you - I went and continue to go through some similar behavior from other black women at my school all the time. The best advice I can give you is first to speak to her about how she is making you feel. People seldom realize that they are being rude until it's pointed out to them and then usually, not always I've found, they relent. If she was truly a friend she would be able to hear what you were saying and make an effort to change. If not....you know the old adage...with friends like these who needs enemies.

Second I would stop discussing or doing my hair around her. She's clearly got a negative attitude about the whole thing and she probably thinks because she's fully natural and you're not that she's an expert on how to care for natural hair. Also she is probably insecure that you are moving into her territory and wants to deter or weaken you so that she can be the one that supports you when things get bad. I highly recommend you learn to do some things such as your hair without your best friend. No matter what friends should be the people that support you and help you up when you are down. Sometimes other women have a hard time doing so and in that case you need to be the one that supports your dreams and goals alone...

 

[Ganjababy]

Friends can be jealous and she sounds jealous. You wont get any support from her so dont discuss your hair with her. I had a similiar problem with a friend of mine but it was regarding college work. I used to give her assignments to read for a second opinion and she used to dog my work and give me bad advise. I did not realise it initially but eventually caught on. Your friend cannot help it, thats just how some people are.

 

[Aquafina]

Are you sure she's your friend? Bless you, I hate to see your enemies. If you want to keep her as a friend, and I know this is up to you but I'm just throwing out ideas, might I suggest you call her out on her crap? Whenever she says something hurtful, ask her if she knows she's being hurtful. I like to ask people instead of tell because I've found (and I'm a psychology major so forgive me), that it knocks out their defenses. For instance if I say "That's hurtful" people usually will say "no it's not" or "you took it the wrong way." Versus, "Did you know that was hurtful?" Which usually stuns people and even if they say a response like "No it's not", I just would say "Well regardless of what you think, it is to me and you need to stop". Another thing I'd call her out on if you don't want to do something like that is "Why do you care?" Next time she says something about you just say for instance "Why do you care? It's not your hair. Why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me". So for example "your hair doesn't match that texture" "why do you care? It's not your hair, why don't you focus on you and I'll focus on me." I love the why do you care line because most people don't want to admit that they're being a jackass and nosing in other people's lives. I use it for everything anytime someone is being a jerk. "You don't look good in that color" "why do you care?" "You think you're all that with your hair" "Why do you care?" "who do you think you are?" "Why do you care?" Really why do they. I get lots of cattiness because of the length of my hair. But I just come at someone when they do it, and they shut up or say something lame like" Uh...I don't I was just...." and I'm like "Yeah whatever" and move on.

In your case, your friend has been the center of attention, and probabaly doesn't like you moving in on her territory. Also regardless of if your hair was 4b or 3a, she shouldn't call your hair nappy. That's inappropriate and unnecessary and I would say that. Every hair texture is beautiful.

Most importantly talk about anything but hair, if you don't take any other piece of advice above. Don't share anything about the forum or she may take cracks at it.

I agree 110%. Let her know how u feel. She has said some very hurtful things to you. If she is really a friend, she would correct it and apologize

 

[Cassandra1975]

In my head other stuff would be coming out in expletives @#$%$$##@@@!!!!!!!, but I know that doesn't work with people you care about. At least, if you want them in your life. I personally would cut that girl off, but it seems that she wants her in her life. Now if it were a complete stranger.....

@ expletives!
I might not literally cuss her, but it would definitely be time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting.

OP, you just have to tell her that the negative comments will NOT be tolerated. And, like other ladies have suggested, I wouldn't do my hair at her house and I wouldn't initiate conversations with her about hair.

 

[hopeful]

She is being really mean to you and unsupportive. You deserve better. You seem to already know that if you address this issue with her that she will shut down on you, I think it's worth the chance, everytime she says that mess to you she's taking that chance and doesn't seem to care less, why should you?

 

[locabouthair]

I have said it before on this board and I'll say it again..


DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS, ANYONE PERIOD ABOUT YOUR HAIR GOALS IF THEY AREN'T GONNA BE SUPPORTIVE!!!

I tell no one about my hair, unless it's one of my friends that I met on this board, because I know they will just discourage me.

I was gonna tell you to distance yourself from her but she's your BFF so that's hard.

It sounds like she believes in that good hair, bad hair mentality.

Don't give up on your hair. If you want to transition, dont give up on it.

 

[locabouthair]

Second I would stop discussing or doing my hair around her. She's clearly got a negative attitude about the whole thing and she probably thinks because she's fully natural and you're not that she's an expert on how to care for natural hair. Also she is probably insecure that you are moving into her territory and wants to deter or weaken you so that she can be the one that supports you when things get bad. I highly recommend you learn to do some things such as your hair without your best friend. No matter what friends should be the people that support you and help you up when you are down. Sometimes other women have a hard time doing so and in that case you need to be the one that supports your dreams and goals alone...

I agree with bolded.

 

[Christa438]

@ expletives!
I might not literally cuss her, but it would definitely be time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting.

OP, you just have to tell her that the negative comments will NOT be tolerated. And, like other ladies have suggested, I wouldn't do my hair at her house and I wouldn't initiate conversations with her about hair.

I agree. OP, Im not sure if she does have your best interest at heart . I have two close friends with way longer healthy hair and they are very supportive...funny how it's certain relatives (blood) who make the doubtful comments so I know how you feel...never had my friends be so negative towards me--Im glad about it because Im the one to shut out people who hurt me/my feelings. Im curious to know if this is what she has to say now that you are making progress, what was she saying before you started treating your hair better? probably nothing. she was quiet then--was just letting you do you huh? but idk. Keep doing what you are doing. To me, you seem to have a good regimen and I hope you reach all your goals with or without her support.

 

[Pheonixx]

@CASSANDRA...I feel you.

Anywho--
Well MMPOLK01
I don't believe in being 'nice' and polite to ppl who can't bestow the same courtesy towards me. You just don't let ppl talk to you or treat you any kind of way. You don't let ppl make you feel down on yourself, damn that.
That goes for boyfriends, husbands, females friends--whatever.

BUT I tend to be feisty. I don't shy away from confrontation---and everyone is different. I recognize that.

MMPOLK01, Ok....I'm not telling you what to do.
Just understand that ppl have different ideas of what friendship really entails.
Y'know...?
Some 'friends' are two-faced and 'sometimey'. Grin all in your face and talk behind your back.
Some 'friends' don't know how to be 'friends' because they've never had a functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) relationship with another female.
Some 'friends' will call themselves your friends---and all the while they're jealous....COMPETING with you.

I don't know the extent of your relationship. Maybe none of this applies. Maybe the problem is that she just has a bad habit of giving unsolicited opinions/advice...?

You should tell her about her comments and how they make you feel. While she's at your house visiting. You don't have important conversations over the phone unless you have no other option. Half the time it's not even what you say but HOW you say it--so make sure you're calm before you talk to her.

I mean, really--
What relationship is 'sunny' ALL the time? LOL
You won't always agree.
BUT you have to learn how to effectively MANAGE conflict; not avoid it.
EVERYONE must set clear boundaries in their relationships.
And as long as we share relationships with others--difficult conversations are bound to happen!

If she's the type of person who shuts down then let her. She'll prolly come back around.
If not well if she can dismiss you and your feelings THAT easily then.... you were prolly better off anyhow.

Forgot to add:
Unlike others I completely disagree with not doing hair at her house. How does that solve anything?
As if you doing your hair in her presence is bringing the b***h out of her? LOL. That's laughable.
Her b****ness has nothing to do with you.
So no--I don't see why you have to stop doing your hair around her.
SHE needs to stop making those comments.
Your 'hair' is not causing the conflict--Her attitude is.


Oh yeah--Forgot something else:LOL
In terms of your relationships with people, when your boundaries are crossed--when you and your feelings are ignored and dismissed--you have to learn 'when it's time to say when'.
It's usually idealogical and gullible individuals who think that all relationships are meant to last forever. Especially romantic ones. Which is half the reason why so many relationships are hobbling around for years on 1 leg.
....and half the reason why you see so many females who'll deal with a womanizing a**hole (year after year).
'But I love him!"
Girl, puh-lease...get some self esteem and a clue!

Some relationships are not meant to last forever.
That's just being realistic.

 

[justNikki]

OK first things first- u know there's nothing wrong with your hair. If you are really friends you should be able to tell her that her comments are hurtful and if she has nothing positive to say she can keep them to herself! I personally believe she's being mean because she thinks you want to have hair like hers and doesn't like the thought of not being the only one with naturally curly hair, u should address that- there's no point being friends with someone you can't be honest and comfortable with. That's my 2 cents
Looking forward to the pic of your BC

My exact thoughts on this topic.

 

[PassionFruit]

yall really are NICE... cuz I would forget I was saved for about 4 minutes, and then repent with a load off my heart & shoulders....

every friend aint a friend no matter how much we want em to be

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Preach it!

You don't? Newbie or not, after reading your story, I knew she was...
Love your friend, but understand that even some "friends" should be loved from afar. When you get older and experience life more, you'll understand.

Oh. we call folks like these frenemies.

 

[HappyHairDreams]

OK, make a long story short, my best friend is knocking everything i do. She has never had a relaxer and her hair is naturally curly (loose curls) and it's healthy for the most part. she can wear wash & gos or straighten as much as she wants. Any way, moving along. Since I joined I dreamed of having naturally curly hair (my natural hair grows in a natural curl pattern which I have yet to determine).

I have told my friend that I am currently transitioning and the info that I have learned from you all the past few months....she told me it was worthless pretty much...

Last week (while I still had a sew-in) we were getting ready to go to the club, I was trying to put some leave-in conditioner and moisturizer on my natural hair that was showing in the back so I can put it in a ponytail. She looked back there and said "wow, that's nothing but a bunch of naps" (in my opinion, it was very thick, but FAR from nappy!! True I had curls back there and a few relaxed starnds, but it was very moisturized, thick , and curly for the most part)... My feelings was crushed and I immediately corrected her and she said "yeah yeah, whatever you say...Then as I was combing the front into a hump she stated that my natural hair would never be silky like the weave (which was false, I had'nt had the opportunity to straighten it and blend it in)

From that experience I felt as if she didn't like the idea of me trying to grow natural curly hair such as hers (even though my natural curl pattern is a lot tighter than hers) and I felt that she assumed that only she could have "good" hair...

Fast forward to last night... I was sitting on her bed and I had my back against her wall and she said "you know last week I had to get oil off of my wall from your hair" I said my bad...she then said that her stylist told her oil was bad for my scalp and that i shouldnt use soo much (it wasnt oil that was on my scalp. it was leave-in conditioner and a detangler, I hadn't used my mn mix in a few days, I've been slacking). So i told her it wasnt oil and she said whatever it was, it was still bad...

I washed my hair over her house last night as well. I decided to clarify with my amla shine shampoo, use ORS mayo mixed with honey and evoo. I then patted my hair dry with a towel then used my detangler and leave-in conditoner as well as a straightening balm (I was actually attempting to blow dry my hair straight, something I have not done since joining). Well her dryer was not getting warm enough, even on the highest setting, so I stopped and just placed a shower cap over my head and fell asleep ( I didnt have the patience nor the energy to continue)...

Wake up this morning and begin to put my hair in a ponytail and she gasps and says "your hair looks hard". Clearly it wasnt, it was soft and moisturized and I told her that. I told her I tried her blowdrier and it failed me. She said I should not have put the leave-in conditioner or straightening balm in my head, that it blocked the heat from drying and I told her no that was not the problem. The she said had i rubbed the towl and shaked it through my entire head (an obvious no no that even my WORST stylist told me to never do) that my hair would have dried better (she refused to believe it was her blow dryer). I told her whatever and then proceeded to put my crinkly phony pony in (because it matches my texture and EVERYONE thinks it's my hair, you can't tell the difference) She states that it looks horrible and that my hair does not even come clos to that texture...

I love my friend, dearly, we've been best friends for some time now and do EVERYTHING together. I don't want to tell her to keep her com,ments to herself (because she does have my best interest in mind) but I don't want to tell her off (because I value our friendship and she is the type of person to just shut down)...

I know this is really long, but I'm almost in tears because I don't know if she's jealous of me trying to get healthy hair, if she's a hater or what...some help please...for a newbie...

Um...I think you need a new best friend. Some of the things she said were just nasty, petty and hating. Someone who is supposed to be your friend should be encouraging and supportive if they know that this is important to you, regardless of whether they disagree. The fact of the matter is that women can very catty at times (eg. best friends stealing each other's bfs, talking being each other's back, etc, etc), it's in our nature. Somtimes you just need to know when to step back so you don't get hurt.
I'm sure your hair is well taken care of, so to hell with her nasty attitude.

 

[lilsparkle825]

Second I would stop discussing or doing my hair around her. She's clearly got a negative attitude about the whole thing and she probably thinks because she's fully natural and you're not that she's an expert on how to care for natural hair.

boom, there you go.

as we have all seen, one person's natural does not dictate another's success.

 

[Kirei]

yall really are NICE... cuz I would forget I was saved for about 4 minutes, and then repent with a load off my heart & shoulders....

every friend aint a friend no matter how much we want em to be

I love your posts! I was waiting on you to comment, you make me laugh!

 

[JaneLane]

Those are girls for you ... Too many times the friendship is actually a competition. Sometimes people are used to their "roles": the pretty one, the loud one, the fat one, the sweet one,...

She definitely wants to be the one with the "good hair" and no weave. She feels you're stepping on her turf, and she's trying to discourage you.. Don't let her stop you from being fabulous!

eta: You can show her better than you can tell her. I agee with some of the other ladies - Don't do you hair at her house and don't mention anything else about haircare to her. She'll see .. The progress will be undeniable!