Why Do We Not Speak Up When A Stylist Is Ruining Our Hair?

[BlackDiamond21]

Hi ladies!

This is a phenomenon that I keep seeing on threads and something I too have allowed my self to suffer through more than once erplexed

I feel that I am a strong woman , as I assume those who have been been through this are as well, who can speak up for herself but for some reason when I got into certain stylists chairs, it's like I would just clam up even though I am watching them doing the opposite of what I requested, not being as gentle, not detangling a certain way or with a certain tool, not using high heat to blow out my relaxed hair (at that time) or whatever....

It is interesting behavior in retrospect as I tend to quickly speak up about smaller infractions at different places/venues. I think part of it was that I was trying to build relationships with these people, which I think is important. I admit I was a bit too concerned with being a "difficult" client and also not wanting to deal with any "attitude" from the stylist after correcting them. Like I didn't want the drama, so I rather suffer through - which I know doesn't make sense but it is what I did

Ladies who have been through this, what was your reason for not speaking up?

Maybe our answers can help others to not fall in our missteps

BD21

 

[RUBY]

Honestly, I've been in this position several times and I think it comes down to several things. One is that whilst I'm getting my hair done there's a certain vulnerability. Let me explain:

Now of course before hand you can request certain things/ways they handle your hair etc but I find that by the time they are in the actual process of doing your hair and you've even piped up a few times to remind them, I get resigned to the fact that (unless I see something like a blow torch coming towards my head) I'm very unlikely to make up noise and walk out with my hair half done so I'm a 'hostage'.

 

[Mz.MoMo5235]

I've recovered from letting stylist mess up my hair. I will jump out the chair, grab the scissors my self lmao. I have been asked to leave before and I was happy to do so.

However once I became more assertive, I stopped having stylist set backs. My last one was almost 2, maybe 3yrs ago? And that one actually didnt even bother me.

Now I'm my own shs lmao

 

[lamaria211]

It may have something to do with our personality I personally avoid confrontation at all cost so when this has happened to me (and it has) I simply think to myself "ill fix it later" or "this to shall pass"

 

[KurlyNinja]

I dont have this problem. Because before I even sit in their chair, I'm stalking them like a hawk to see what they are doing to other people's hair. And if I see them doing something I dont like, I leave.

I dont go to the stylist very often. Actually I've only been to a stylist ONCE in the past 3 years. I dont trust them. They are the enemy to my hair. But seriously, that's how I go into a salon acting. Like this is Indiana Jones and my hair is the sacred artifact that i must protect.

Before the stylist even gets a chance to touch my head we go through my hair "rules". No high heat, there better be a heat protectant, detangle tip to root, etc. I ask them what products they are going to use in my hair. I ask them what steps they are going to take to get my hair done. I think the last stylist I went to, I out-talked "hair" to her. Now that I think about it, I was probably coming off as a total b****. But I still came out with hair on my head and no heat damage. I got exactly what I wanted from my salon experience. And I'm not trying to make friends with the stylists (not saying I won't make friendly convo), I just want my hair done and I want it done right.

 

[naheda72]

Overall I like my beautician and since I am Muslim, she is the only person I have been able to find who doesn't make a big deal over the fact that I can't be uncovered in front of men. She has a curtain for privacy. I let her mess up my hair once and while I didn't speak up in the chair I did tell her this will be the last time she would do that to me(she yanked through my hair and ALOT of hair was on the floor,and on my next visit she had the nerve to say my hair had thinned out). Now I do the washing/ detangling on my own and only let her flat iron and trim. If I had more options for a stylist, maybe I wouldn't have let her mess up my hair the first time, because I was a little more bold with pasts stylists.

 

[Tiye]

Probably because most people respect licensed professionals for their expertise. So for the same reason most people don't fight e.g. a teacher or a doctor about their opinion. OTOH stylists are supposed to pay attention to clients but they aren't mind readers so if someone is burning, pulling or ripping your hair up speak up right away.

 

[Lynnerie]

We're in a vulnerable position. I used to be hesitant at first to speak up but after getting one setback I never had problems speaking up again. After I walked out the first time I felt strong and liberated. I had saved my hair and I didn't mind finishing it up at home.

 

[MsDee14]

I speak up and because of my last experience, I am officially a complete DIYer.

Stylist feel insulted if we speak up or say how we believe OUR hair should be treated.
During my last visit, the stylist repeatedly stated "I did go to beauty school you know". Then as I was leaving..she said "God Bless you".. lol because I didn't want her to flat-iron my hair after a roller-set.

 

[sherrimberri]

I didnt speak up because i thought the stylist knew best. But thanks to this forum i am now more out spoken about my hair. The last time i went to the salon i asked the shampoo girl to detangle while the conditioner was in. I declined a 3 inch trim and i walked out with all of my hair intact. The old me wouldve gotten a cut and let my hair my be ripped out. Not anymore, i luv my hair and i will not tolerate abuse to it.

 

[MrsJaiDiva]

For me it was a serious case of Did Not know Better. I thought it was Supposed to be like that! And because there are so many salons in NYC, if a stylist did mess up, I just found another one on the next block. I had my faves, and I just rotated them. But the idea of high heat, and scissor happy stylists...lol, you mean they weren't supposed to be burning all of the hair on my crown off?? News to me!

Now that I Do know better, I refuse to go to one. I'm terrified! I just cannot put my hard work in their hands, because I already know they're not gonna do me right.

 

[mscocoface]

I use to do that years ago, but as I got older.....No way. I was very opinionated and not afraid to step towards the door if I was not liking the service.

For years now I have not been to a stylist. Can't and won't be bothered if they do not understand my hair or how to deal with it. It is not worth the time effort and money.

 

[HighAspirations]

The number one reason I don't let others do my hair is because I'm afraid of offending the stylist. Let's be honest. Beauty school isn't teaching the right things all the time. There's just to much risk and unless I'm feeling b****y I might not speak up. ...or if I do it will sound more like a suggestion

ETA: I'm also very young, I don't want to seem disrespectful

 

[Misseyl]

I remember once I went to have my hair wash and set and the young woman washing my hair intentionally tangled up my hair to the point where she had to rip my hair out to remove the tangles. The woman who would relax and style my hair came up to me and said "mommie, what happened", and I said nothing. In retrospect, if something like that every where to happen to me again, I will make sure the woman washing my hair and the stylist know it.

I think we don't say anything because we kinda think they know what they are doing. I haven't been back to a hairdresser since 2003 and I have no intentions to. I have been without a relaxer since October 2009 and when I am ready to relax in July I intend to take my time and do it myself.

 

[beana]

I have several theories about this:

#1 In the past I have been very vocal and the stylist felt undermined... BUT she discussed exactly what she was doing in detail and it made me feel more comfortable. If your stylist does not educate you about the process, then you should switch.

#2 Some people go to cheaper salons and feel they can't be as vocal because they know they're not paying for top quality service. If you pay $40 for a relaxer you "feel" you're getting a bargain and have to deal with more nonsense. but if you pay $95 you feel you've paid for more and can demand more attn, expertise, etc.

#3 you're in a vulnerable position. People are afraid the stylist will lash out on their hair.

 

[hola_lo2002]

Lol!!! I do it all the time!!! When I go to a hairstylist (the few times I go), I usually bring my own products and tell them exactly what to do to my hair! They usually appreciate it because most of them aren't comfortable to work with curly hair

 

[MeowMix]

Nice question OP. All very well said. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this experience.

 

[Your Cheeziness]

I liken it to getting rude with a waiter. I wouldn't want to cause a ruckus with anyone handling my food, my money, or my hair.

To avoid any shenanigans I pull the "T-card". I say I'm tender-headed. I'm not, but that stops a lot of foolishness before it starts. Rough detangling, tight braidining, etc. It's a nice cop out for those of us who don't feel comfortable being too assertive.

 

[Postal]

I don't want to be thought of as a "difficult client" and my beautician is sort of like a family friend , so its complicated. I also make the assumption that the beautician knows what they are doing since this is what they do for a living.

 

[danysedai]

Like I said in another thread, I do speak up now and will leave. I'm definitely a "difficult" client,even though I'm always nice and well-mannered to them but I will bring my own products, tell them how I want something done, etc. But I'm a DIY now, and it's much better for my hair. It's a shame because from time to time one wants to feel pampered and trust another to do a good job.

But I agree on being in a vulnerable position. My mother has beautiful hair and has been going to hair salons all her life. Once she went to one where she was not one of this particular stylist established clients and he rushed through the job, did her roller set in not a very uniform way, fluffed it out and that was it (thinking that as my mom was an older woman she wanted an old woman style). My mom made him do it all over again!wash,condition, rollers, blow out,all of it. He was sooo pissed that he scorched her scalp with his blow dryer and used unnecessary force when pulling her hair with the brush. She endured the pain and didn't give him any sign that she was bothered by it, but she got what she wanted. Nowadays they are vey good friends and my mom is one of his favourite customers, they still talk about that first day, he said that he admired her for speaking out and stating what she wanted.
Now, me being me, I would have stood up and left at the first super high heat dryer directed at my scalp!

 

[prettybyrd]

Low self esteem was the reason I never spoke up. Thank God I grew out of that! I am now very direct with stylists...well, when I go. I am not rude or loud, but I've invested too much time in my hair to have yet another stylist damage it. I am convinced that my recent BC due to damage someone else caused is the last one.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

Not me. Nope. I cannot relate. LOL

I've walked out of hair salons w/ hair full of shampoo, soaking wet and all. Thrown on a base ball cap, thrown the DEUCES up and walked out. *shrugs*

 

[Theresamonet]

I think some people are just scary. There is NO WAY I can sit and watch someone destroy my hair and say nothing...and then pay them. I can't understand this at all. How do you not act on that urge to take control over what is happening to your body?!?

This is not for those who may not be paying attention at the time, and end up leaving jacked up... But those who just sit there and watch the stylist cut all their hair off or rip it all out... Those people perplex me. I think I would rather leave handcuffed than bald.

 

[MarcustheWu]

The stylists I have been to are really aware that they are in a people business. I think that it is easier for people to stand up to someone who is being blatantly rude than people who are being charming about it.

 

[Lylddlebit]

For me as long as the style comes out really good and is what I asked for it is hard to get mad because I get so excited about the style. In my experience, it is rare for one bad move to ruin the whole head if your hair was healthy to begin with. It wasn't until December 2010 that I had an experience that gave me a wider perspective. During that visit, I did speak up and my hair was finished by another hairdresser but the damage was done by the time I did. Before that I didn't believe my hair could be ruined with two quick swipes of a wide tooth comb(but when a chunk of hair comes out it can). Now that I know hair disaster really can occur in less than a minute I haven't be as nonchalant and trusting as I had been based on the 99.9% of other great experiences I have had with different hairdressers.

 

[greenandchic]

Years ago, I didn't speak up because 1) she's much older me, 2) has been doing my hair on an off since the mid '80s and my mother's hair since the '70s, 3) she's a black woman from the south. She represented the ultimate authority that I should respect at all times, even if I knew she was 100% wrong.

Now I no longer straighten my hair and I do most things (trims, etc) myself.

 

[Nonie]

I didn't speak up when I got the unsolicited BC in 2007 because I didn't know that's what she was doing. The stylist came highly recommended as a natural hair stylist. One of the highlights about her was "she loves to help women of color grow long hair" and after I showed up with shrunken afro she seemed pleased (or was it just surprise alone?) that I had long hair when she blow dried it to trim it. Now I have fine hair. Not just any sort of "fine" but the sort of fine hair that doesn't acknowledge the pull of gravity, so it's not like when she "trimmed" my hair to a TWA I would've felt the weight change. Also all this was done away from a mirror...and right after the CUT she DC'd my hair under a dryer. And my hair shrinks a lot so even if I'd caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror as she walked me to a chair to do the ugly do after the DC and rinse, I'd not have known how much hair I had because I have a lot of shrinkage. This is how my almost APL hair looked shrunken:

So yeah, I didn't speak up because I had no idea she was doing anything I needed to be alarmed about. I trusted she was hooking me up in a way I'd be thankful for, per all the good things I'd heard about her. The people who recommended her are people I trusted...but clearly, you can't believe everything folks say. Heck, even when I saw the ugly do, I gave her the benefit of the doubt coz I can't claim to know everything. She seemed pretty confident she knew what she was talmbout.

Otherwise, prior to that, when I was relaxed--which was the last time before 2007 that I went to a stylist--I never let a stylist do anything I didn't want. If I got a trim, it's coz I allowed it. I didn't know better back then anyway so it's not like I could guide them on how much to trim. I just let them do what they wanted coz I was clueless myself. But I didn't always let them trim my hair either; sometimes I'd decline and promise to let them do it next time and they'd comply. The only time I ever recall not having a voice when I knew what was happening was wrong was when I was a preteen and I went to get my hair braided. My mom used to come with me and would monitor the braiding or she'd braid my hair herself. Well this time I was dropped off and while no additional hair was used, the new stylist braided my hair so tightly I could hardly close my eyes. Migraines are something I've lived with all my life so I got home in pain and tears. My mom was so mad that I didn't say anything and sat through the pain. My reason for not saying a thing? I was shy and just a softy as a kid and never wanted to hurt people's feelings or make them feel like they were not doing something right. So that's why I suffered in silence. My mom took me back to the salon and had the stylist undo the braids. After that experience we found a good stylist who braided us all the time, included my 2-year old sis who is in her 30's now and still goes to her. She was so gentle that and we all slept through her braiding all coz didn't hurt at all but felt like she was just playing in your hair. She did a good job too. Here's an example of her work--very neatly done and firm but not tight at all:

I know for someone who's passive or bashful, speaking up especially in a rowdy salon where you feel like one against a mob can be hard to do. But I think taking a friend with you to keep you company and just back you up--like point out that you're wincing in pain, or ask you if it hurts out loud--can help you find a voice and speak up. But doing your homework too yourself about a salon or stylist and not trusting the reviews of other scan help. Like visit the salon and watch the stylist at work as you ask questions. I always say if a stylist can braid a little girl without the girl cringing from pain and do a good job, then that's a stylist you can trust with your own head.

 

[cherrynicole]

I recently went to a Dominican salon last weekend and had a similar experience. The stylist pulled out a rat tail on my 11 week post hair and started combing from the root! I stopped her right there and had someone tell her (in Spanish) to comb from the ends up. Then when she was bliwdrying I told her to put heat protectant on every section. Now that I am older/wiser/matured I take control of my hair appts! Didnt end up being a bad experience all in all...

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I speak up regarding my services (and I am pretty demanding); however, I did sit at a Dominican salon a while back wherein the stylists were avoiding straightening my natural hair. I went in with flat ironed hair and although I told them I was natural, they thought I was too natural I guess. It was a frustrating experience but I did stay since it was winter in NYC and my hair was wet. I had not driven to the salon (took public transportation) so I was not in the position to just walk out and go home. The stylist who finally did my hair (only one who would do it I guess) went on to say how "easy" it was to roller set. I guess they thought my hair would be difficult since it's tightly coiled. She also used my hair products and my hair tools.

A LHCF member was in the salon at the time (I posted about it then).

I think some people do not speak up because they feel the stylist is a "professional" and sometimes we do not want to come off as the Angry Black Woman by arguing with stylists.

 

[Kindheart]

KurlyNinja you re a nightmare!lol Do you let your man touch your hair?


I hate confrontation,but if i have to speak up i d do it politely.