Men don't have the right

[nikolite]

I get where you are coming from, EllePixie, but honestly in a much broader sense, women do this to men too. They meet a guy that fits most of the tic marks on the "wishlist", but want to re-dress him, introduce him to new friends because they dislike some of his friends, etc.

I think, in general, both men and women make (some) changes to their style of dress or hair grooming based on feedback of their SO - whether it is directed or off the cuff. What woman hasn't asked how she looked before leaving home of their SO for a special occasion or event? Or some variation of that kind of question?

.....

I would be worried if a man was dictating which items could or could not be worn outside of their home (i.e. "You CANNOT wear a weave") versus the more casual statement like "I don't wigs/weaves/fake hair."

I think the difference with what you are talking about is cosmetic changes that are easy to make (clothing, haircut, etc.). The weave dislike thing is a problem to me because a lot of men are talking about making a change that the woman usually cannot make naturally. Most black women have never had hair past their shoulders yet some men will say they don't like them wearing fake hair knowing full well he would be less attractive to her if she didn't, because he 9 times outta 10 wants her with long and/or thick hair. That's akin to telling black women they need to lose weight, when that's very hard to do and some people cannot naturally be a size 2, although they might be striving for a size 8.

That would also be like a woman telling a man she hates short men or men with Roman noses. That's what I have a problem with.

I don't think men who proclaim they hate weaves are simply talking about a style choice they don't prefer. They usually love the style and do prefer it, but hate the fact that its not that woman's real hair, so her beauty seems to him unauthentic. And IMO it stems from him being conditioned to like certain hairstyles he sees constantly in the media but expects his woman to naturally be like that.

I think the guys that like a woman's real hair regardless of what it naturally looks like are a different story, and I can honestly understand those types. But I don't think that's what most black men are thinking when they compliment a woman for having her real hair. Its usually the ones who have long, thick, usually straight, real hair that get these compliments from black men, though not always. He's essentially saying "I like you because you don't HAVE to wear a weave like the others."

 

[EllePixie]

My goodness. I guess I'm just gonna have to agree to disagree with most of my LHCF sisters on this one.

Or, maybe we're not talking about the same kind of man. I'm talking about a GOOD man, who means the world to you, and you to him, and he treats you as such. If this wonderful man said to you, "Babe, would you consider wearing your own hair instead of the weave?", that all of a sudden means he hates short-hair, & really wants a mixed or white girl?? I'm so confused erplexed

I hope that, for those of you who are looking for a life partner, you develop the insight to understand that compromise is essential to keeping a relationship strong and healthy.

Tis all. (quietly steps off her pulpit)

The bolded is not the kind of suggestion I got from the OP AT ALL. That would be completely different and I would have no issue with my man making a suggestion like this. I'm thinking more along the lines of, "Ugh, I can't stand weave, why don't you take that mess out?"

nikolite's comment is interesting though, because it's true that a lot of BM will turn their noses up at weaves, yet fawn all over long hair, but don't believe that most black women can have nice hair. Their thought process isn't exactly consistent.

 

[nikolite]

My goodness. I guess I'm just gonna have to agree to disagree with most of my LHCF sisters on this one.

Or, maybe we're not talking about the same kind of man. I'm talking about a GOOD man, who means the world to you, and you to him, and he treats you as such. If this wonderful man said to you, "Babe, would you consider wearing your own hair instead of the weave?", that all of a sudden means he hates short-hair, & really wants a mixed or white girl?? I'm so confused erplexed

I hope that, for those of you who are looking for a life partner, you develop the insight to understand that compromise is essential to keeping a relationship strong and healthy.

Tis all. (quietly steps off her pulpit)

I think its clear we are talking about different men. I obviously wasn't talking about a good, wonderful husband (never even mentioned that), I'm talking about the average black men who publicly or personally tell black women they don't like weaves. I think good significant others usually just want to see their woman's hair and love her for her, but I'm sure some of hubbies also simply wish she had a certain hair type so she didn't have to wear weaves.

Re-read my post if need be.

Lets be real, a lot of black men would not be asking black women to wear their real hair if there was a 4B fro underneath. Then he'd be asking her to relax it, blow it out, put something shiny in it, etc. Which brings us back to square one: him secretly telling her he disapproves of artificiality yet pressuring her for it at the same time to please him.

EllePixie, I agree. Maybe we just interpreted OP's post differently. I thought she was talking about how most black men say they don't like weaves. My husband kindly suggesting I wear my real hair because he prefers it is another thing to me I'd have no problem with.

 

[drappedup]

I read most of this thread, and I have to say, of anyone, I agree with EllePixie the most. I thanked a couple of her posts, but that wasn't enough, so I just wanted to post saying I agree with pretty much everything she said.

(Love your hair btw!!!)

 

[bride91501]

The bolded is not the kind of suggestion I got from the OP AT ALL. That would be completely different and I would have no issue with my man making a suggestion like this. I'm thinking more along the lines of, "Ugh, I can't stand weave, why don't you take that mess out?"

EllePixie - ok, I understand what you're saying. But as I think another sis mentioned in this thread, if the guy is coming at you in that way, you definitely have bigger relationship issues than removing your 18" remy hair can solve lol.

 

[EllePixie]

I read most of this thread, and I have to say, of anyone, I agree with EllePixie the most. I thanked a couple of her posts, but that wasn't enough, so I just wanted to post saying I agree with pretty much everything she said.

(Love your hair btw!!!)

Lol, aw thank you!!

EllePixie - ok, I understand what you're saying. But as I think another sis mentioned in this thread, if the guy is coming at you in that way, you definitely have bigger relationship issues than removing your 18" remy hair can solve lol.

Exactly, and that's what I was getting at. Usually men who behave in this manner have other issues as well and it's unhealthy.

 

[reeko43]

I can recall many reasons why quite a few men don't like weaves and I tend to agree with them. I wish I could randomly walk up to people I see out and ask them not to wear weaves Here are some legitimate reasons I have heard expressed:

1. I am tired of seeing weave tracks on the ground, in the subway, in my car.

2. Why do the weaves have to look so unrealistic? Shiny china doll hair contrasting sharply with the natural hair is not a good look.

3. I am tired of women complaining about weaves taking their hair out but continue to wear them.

4. Why do some women spend hundreds if not thousands on hair weave when their credit score is 500 or below, they have no savings, etc. Obviously priorities out of wack.

5. I am tired of seeing cords hanging from foreheads, tape or glue on the sides of heads.

I don't like speaking for most men. Men are very diverse. Some may have a problem with weaves for some racial self hate related reason; however, some will like weaves, some will like natural hair, some will just not like them because many women's weaves out here are not pleasing to the eye.

From what I have seen personally, there are so many jacked up weaves out there, I can understand why no man, regardless of age, color, occupation, weight, etc. would like them.

 

[jennboo]

Men have a right to state their preference just as women do.

But if it is a situation where the dude is constantly bringing it up and offering unsolicited commentary about how he absolutely loathes weave, then, you either conform so he can be quiet about it or keep rockin' yo' weave even though he doesn't like it. If the dude has that much disdain for it then he wouldn't be with you, or whomever, as a weave wearer.

I think a bigger queston is why do some women feel like they have to rock weave day in and day out? If it is an occasional, few times a year type of thing, fine, but lots of women just rock weaves and wigs all day everyday, no breaks in between and treat the weave hair better than their own hair , lol. Backwards world we live in. I'd have an issue with that if i were a dude dating.

 

[RegaLady]

First of all its a weave! Not something that has grown from your scalp. It is something that was bought from the store. Its like a man who says he doesn't like a shirt, or a bag, or shoes. Its not attached to you. I would find it more offensive if a man told me he didn't like my natural hair texture. Its just weave. If one loves it, they should wear it. But not everyone is going to like it.

Don't get me wrong I think men think we are suppose to get up in the morning thinking about what they like, but if you like it wear it.

 

[nikolite]

I can recall many reasons why quite a few men don't like weaves and I tend to agree with them. I wish I could randomly walk up to people I see out and ask them not to wear weaves Here are some legitimate reasons I have heard expressed:

1. I am tired of seeing weave tracks on the ground, in the subway, in my car.

2. Why do the weaves have to look so unrealistic? Shiny china doll hair contrasting sharply with the natural hair is not a good look.

3. I am tired of women complaining about weaves taking their hair out but continue to wear them.

4. Why do some women spend hundreds if not thousands on hair weave when their credit score is 500 or below, they have no savings, etc. Obviously priorities out of wack.

5. I am tired of seeing cords hanging from foreheads, tape or glue on the sides of heads.

I don't like speaking for most men. Men are very diverse. Some may have a problem with weaves for some racial self hate related reason; however, some will like weaves, some will like natural hair, some will just not like them because many women's weaves out here are not pleasing to the eye.

From what I have seen personally, there are so many jacked up weaves out there, I can understand why no man, regardless of age, color, occupation, weight, etc. would like them.

Those are good points, and I tend to agree with them also. Although I think the fact that majority of black men hate weaves but majority also like long hair puts many of them in that racial reasons camp. I don't hear those reasons as often as the "I hate fake women" stuff.

But I think with other men, my hubby at least, he's fine with weaves/wigs as long as its a temporary style change. I think women who constantly wear them and they look fake are what irks him, and that irks me a little too, mainly because I wish some women weren't dependent on them or braids to feel feminine/beautiful but also because they can look tacky and horribly fake. My sister-in-laws wear shiny, long, rapunzel like weaves down their backs on the regular and it irks us both. Its clear they are hiding their hair, rather than trying to enhance it or try something new. But he could care less about me wearing the occasional wig on a special night out, when my hair is in a protective style that isn't going to be taken down for another 2 weeks. So maybe constant weave-wearing and never showing your real hair (and not because you're growing it underneath and waiting for the big reveal) also sends signasl to some men of a self-esteem issue. Still no reason to flat out hate weaves themselves.

So maybe some men just hate the abuse of weaves.

 

[mzteaze]

I hope I am following your comments correctly but I apologize if I go on a tangent but I had difficulties fully following your thoughts, ok?

I think the difference with what you are talking about is cosmetic changes that are easy to make (clothing, haircut, etc.). The weave dislike thing is a problem to me because a lot of men are talking about making a change that the woman usually cannot make naturally. Most black women have never had hair past their shoulders yet some men will say they don't like them wearing fake hair knowing full well he would be less attractive to her if she didn't, because he 9 times outta 10 wants her with long and/or thick hair. That's akin to telling black women they need to lose weight, when that's very hard to do and some people cannot naturally be a size 2, although they might be striving for a size 8.

That would also be like a woman telling a man she hates short men or men with Roman noses. That's what I have a problem with.

For me personally, as a person who wore weaves for 8+ years, I still felt like a weave was simply a cosmetic change. I knew that if I took it out I still had to style my own hair in a nice way because I preferred a neat attractive hair style. A weave to me does not negate a woman ability to style her hair in an attractive manner. Its simply another option to change our look much the same way we change our clothing or shoes.

Now, my SO had a preference for long hair (don't know many men that didn't like long hair). We should note here - just because men say they LIKE something does not mean its a 'MUST HAVE or else' kind of thing. However, I had medium length hair when we met and had gone through the gamut of hair styles - long weave, short Halle Berry style and everything in between over the course of our relationship. That never diminished the fact that he appreciated and accepted me for the person I am, not the length of (or lack of) my hair.

So if he decided to make a blanket statement of "I don't like weaves" out of the blue, my first question is why then listen to his answer. I could make a million assumptions. But when it comes down to it, I also realize that his making that kind of statement may or may not be directed at me - something I won't know unless I ask him to explain his reasoning. It may come from observational reasoning or something closer to his heart.

Also, I agree there is a difference between what we CAN change (weave or not) versus "I prefer tall/petite/midget women" <---something that I cannot change at all.

But the notion that black women CANNOT grow long hair is precisely what we are trying to dispel here on LHCF, right? It might take extra care, work and knowledge to get there but many of us are seeing results we never thought we could get before. The reason why I got a weave in the first place was the thought that I would never be able to grow my hair as long as that doggone weave. Guess what? After less than a year, I am almost past the length of hair I used to staple to my head. Kudos to me for shooting down another falsehood we as black women have bought into hook, line and sinker - lord knows I was drinking from that kool aid by the pitcher full.

We can do the things we want to (even lose weight) if we put our efforts toward that. Its not impossible.

I don't think men who proclaim they hate weaves are simply talking about a style choice they don't prefer. They usually love the style and do prefer it, but hate the fact that its not that woman's real hair....

Agreed. Lets face it, weave hair can either look great or look fake and thus horrid. I have seen expensive and inexpensive hair look fake either by the way its installed or the way its cared for over time. Honestly, I can think of only ONE man I know that would push away from an attractive girl because he found out her hair was a weave (he was also a strange dude, so I consider him an outlier not the norm). Men in general accept it as part of the package. The comment about the media is funny considering a good deal of most stars have weaves to begin with.

 

[reeko43]

Those are good points, and I tend to agree with them also. Although I think the fact that majority of black men hate weaves but majority also like long hair puts many of them in that racial reasons camp. I don't hear those reasons as often as the "I hate fake women" stuff.

Well a lot of us are here on the Long Hair Care forum because we desire long hair for ourselves. Does that put us in the racial reasons camp? I just side with some men on this one.

With the fakelips/butts/boobs/hair/nails/nose, etc. I am sure there are plenty of men who love it but plenty who are getting really tired of the "fake women" stuff.

 

[nikolite]

I hope I am following your comments correctly but I apologize if I go on a tangent but I had difficulties fully following your thoughts, ok?

....

But the notion that black women CANNOT grow long hair is precisely what we are trying to dispel here on LHCF, right? It might take extra care, work and knowledge to get there but many of us are seeing results we never thought we could get before. The reason why I got a weave in the first place was the thought that I would never be able to grow my hair as long as that doggone weave. Guess what? After less than a year, I am almost past the length of hair I used to staple to my head. Kudos to me for shooting down another falsehood we as black women have bought into hook, line and sinker - lord knows I was drinking from that kool aid by the pitcher full.

....

Agreed. Lets face it, weave hair can either look great or look fake and thus horrid. I have seen expensive and inexpensive hair look fake either by the way its installed or the way its cared for over time. Honestly, I can think of only ONE man I know that would push away from an attractive girl because he found out her hair was a weave (he was also a strange dude, so I consider him an outlier not the norm). Men in general accept it as part of the package. The comment about the media is funny considering a good deal of most stars have weaves to begin with.

I wasn't in anyway trying to perpetuate that notion in the bold. My point is that a lot of black men have that notion (for obvious reasons because black women in general actually do not have long hair--whether they can or not is a different discussion) and yet pressure women to have long, straight hair that they wear in weaves. So I should also clarify that long hair isn't really the issue, but long straight or 2A/3A curly hair. I'm talking about a certain length and texture that many black people are obsessed with. As a matter of fact, you don't see black women wearing long 4B type weaves in droves like you see them wearing straight hair weaves, and lots of men frown upon women who wear their natural hair when its 4B texture. Sorry for the confusion.

I also agree that men don't really care about hair as much as we think. But I think the general discussion about black men liking weaves shows all sorts of things about their standards of beauty, and only in some instances are we talking about other reasons they don't like weaves, like the shinyness or tracks all over the place (or else they'd just say they don't like shiny weaves or people who don't pick up their loose weave tracks).

@reeko43 - I don't really care about black men not liking artificiality. I don't like artificiality either. But it becomes a problem when they are at the same time pressuring women to fall into a beauty standard. That's my issue. And most men who make statements about hating weaves or "fake" women are usually saying they desire long nails, long hair, big boobs, small noses, etc. but only when the woman is naturally like that. I just find that somewhat oppressive to a lot of women. If most black men were going around celebrating typical, natural-looking black women with 4B hair, wide noses, etc., and talking about how much they hate fake weaves, I'd get it. I just don't think that's the case at all.

Hey, I'm on LHCF and clearly want long hair, but that's because it's a style preference and would like to see if I can grow it long. But I'm not going to hide my hair under a long wig for the rest of my life trying to get it, or hate my hair when it was short and nappy.

 

[classychic1908]

My husband hates weaves and wigs, but loves my natural hair. He doesn't have some deep seeded preference for women with naturally long straight hair. I straighten my hair maybe twice a year and when he met me I was relaxed.

He also doesn't feel the need to harp on other women's hairstyles, but as my man, I know how he feels about me and my hair.

I think some of y'all want something to be up in arms about.

 

[jennboo]

Don't remember who typed it, but i agree with the poster who said that a man's dislike of weave (long short medium) but love and preference for long hair has racial implications.

To stay on that train, i actually think hair is a big reason black men are enamored by 'other' women. 'Others' possess the 'preferred' hair texture naturally, men can play in it without fear that their women will give them the side eye, throw water on it, seks in the shower, swim, go to the beach, touch/feel scalp, and don't have to worry about that 'sour' odor weave wearers can get if they don't wash frequently in an effort to preserve straightness/curl or wave pattern and 'style'.

 

[Glamiam]

Funny this reminds me of the douche bag guys.. the ones that feel the need to voice their opinions about what type of Women they are looking for because they have some sort of self esteem issue going on with themselves, so they feel as if they can make comments like "I Hate a woman with fake hair! Her hair gotta be real!" or "My woman gotta be slim and curvy in all the right places, no rolls!"

While their looking all tore up their damn selves

 

[Guitarhero]

When my girl puts glue in weave and I have to be the one who to take is out and hear her complain that she lost so much hair taking out the glue.... but I don't know or have the right to say anything PLEASE.

Um, there are healthy ways to take out glue-in weave without hair damage.

 

[SweetTea]

Men "hate" weaves for the same reason they "hate" makeup. They feel like they are being fooled because 99.99% of the time they are not smart/observant enough to tell weave from no-weave or makeup from no makeup.

It's one thing if some random guy blurts out to you, "I hate weaves!" but if your SO tactfully says he'd prefer you not wear weaves, I think it would be best to ask him why he says that and explain that you wear weaves for convenience, protective styling, etc. And maybe occasionally show him that you're not bald underneath.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think that they have a right to say what they like or dislike. The same way that you are within your right to give your opinion on it as well as express your personal feelings/preference on things.

 

[Misseyl]

Most guys are just saying that to be saying something. If you notice they'll break their necks to look at a girl with flowing hair, doesn't matter if it's real or not, they are in there.

 

[ChristmasCarol]

Am I interpreting this correctly?
If a Black man likes long hair, it means he doesn't really like Black women?
What the?

 

[DDTexlaxed]

If you don't think they have the right to have this opinion, why care what they say?

 

[blackbarbietea]

I don't know why you would be frustrated by what someone else chooses to do with their situation. For some couples, that may be what works for them. You may only see one side but not the man's side who has compromised to his woman's desires. And, even if the woman is blindly doing whatever her man wants, is that really anyone else's business? Now if she were being treated like a slave and getting her butt kicked, that would be different.

I have made it known to my husband many times that I don't like anything but short hair on a man and I definitely don't like fake hair on a man. If my husband came home with a lacefront toupee like Steve Harvey and Bishop Eddie Long wear, he would have something to deal with. Let's just say the glue on his forehead would still be wet as he was returning that hot garbage to the store he got it from. We have both compromised on things the other had a strong negative opinion about. That is what life and love are about.

I suppose, I'm nosey. that's just how I am and I accept that. But I do understand where you are coming from.

 

[blackbarbietea]

I think its clear we are talking about different men. I obviously wasn't talking about a good, wonderful husband (never even mentioned that), I'm talking about the average black men who publicly or personally tell black women they don't like weaves. I think good significant others usually just want to see their woman's hair and love her for her, but I'm sure some of hubbies also simply wish she had a certain hair type so she didn't have to wear weaves.

Re-read my post if need be.

Lets be real, a lot of black men would not be asking black women to wear their real hair if there was a 4B fro underneath. Then he'd be asking her to relax it, blow it out, put something shiny in it, etc. Which brings us back to square one: him secretly telling her he disapproves of artificiality yet pressuring her for it at the same time to please him.

@EllePixie, I agree. Maybe we just interpreted OP's post differently. I thought she was talking about how most black men say they don't like weaves. My husband kindly suggesting I wear my real hair because he prefers it is another thing to me I'd have no problem with.

I think there's a happy medium. Where there's the good man that just knows what he likes and kindly suggests so, but is not pressuring her to fit into the box that he feels is good for him.

Then there's the: "UGH I HATE WEAVES. IT'S SO FAKE. THATS WHY I LIKE WHITE GIRLS" kind of guy.

Then there's the : "Baby, can you please get a relaxer. I like long straight, swanging hair. Like her, that mixed girl over there. can you have hair like that? But please don't put in a weave. I want you to miraculously have waist length, straight hair, and for it to be all yours." When you really have 4b hair, and you'd rather wear it natural. And while it might be long (or short, who cares) that's what works for you. Now you're pressured into fitting his criteria of a beautiful woman.

That's what I'm talking about. It irritates me.

 

[blackbarbietea]

I just want to put it out there that I think there is nothing wrong with fake hair/nose/lips/eyes/nails/butt/neck/legs/tummy....etc.

it's all cosmetic. Now if you're not taking care of yourself/hair/whatever.

I think there's a problem with that. You're just masking your issues.

I also do not think a man's preference for certain looks is the MAJOR problem. I think it's the attitude behind it and how you convey that to your mate.

 

[reeko43]

I suppose, I'm nosey. that's just how I am and I accept that. But I do understand where you are coming from.

LOL!!!

 

[reeko43]

Then there's the: "UGH I HATE WEAVES. IT'S SO FAKE. THATS WHY I LIKE WHITE GIRLS" kind of guy.

Then there's the : "Baby, can you please get a relaxer. I like long straight, swanging hair. Like her, that mixed girl over there. can you have hair like that? But please don't put in a weave. I want you to miraculously have waist length, straight hair, and for it to be all yours." When you really have 4b hair, and you'd rather wear it natural. And while it might be long (or short, who cares) that's what works for you. Now you're pressured into fitting his criteria of a beautiful woman.

That's what I'm talking about. It irritates me.

Wow, is that what women have to deal with these days? I have never had a guy come at me like that and my hair has been shoulder length or slightly shorter for most of my life! I did have a boyfriend once tell me he wished that my boobs were bigger. I didn't get frustrated though, I got rid of him, that day.

Other than that craziness, I have never had that issue. I guess times have changed

 

[blackbarbietea]

A guy wouldnt say it in exact words. But after awhile of being with a person, you'd know what level they are on. Even if they don't fully know it or understand it theirselves.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Even if your SO doesnt like weaves, will you stop wearing them?

 

[glamazon386]

I don't really care what they think. I've dated or been friends with a lot of guys in the past who said they hated weave. They didn't even realize my hair was a weave until I pointed it out. Then they changed their tune.

I see no problem with them if they are installed properly. But think about it, how many bad weaves do we see on a day to day basis? All those bad weaves give weaves in general a bad rep. I can understand why men say they don't like them.

As far as the touching of the hair goes, I've never really had an issue with men wanting to touch it anyway. Whether I was wearing a weave or not. I don't know why but it never really came up.