Yet Another "Good Hair; Bad Hair" Rant!

Sianna

Sianna

New Member
Okay so this morning before work I somehow got into a conversation with my DH about some woman... I can't remember who she was. I think it was someone he used to work or go to school with.

Anyway, he made a comment about her hair. In short, he said she didn't wear weaves or relaxers and had a "nice quality of hair." When I asked him what he meant by that, he said that "it wasn't like a mixed person's, but that it was thick and looked soft." Well, my hair is thick and soft, but when I asked him if it was like mine, he said no.

I'm telling you, I still don't know what he was talking about when he said "nice quality of hair." I just know that apparently mine doesn't fit that category according to him. You'd think that maybe I was jealous that he was speaking highly of another female, but really, I just felt slighted and somewhat insulted about my hair!

The whole conversation just jacked up my whole mood this morning! I know it really shouldn't have bothered me because I know how most black people are about our own hair, I guess I just expected better of the man I've been with for the last twelve years. SMH! :ohwell: :nono:
 
I LOVE your hair in your siggy pics :yep:
Some men aren't good at describing stuff. Show him some hair pics similar to what he described if you want to get a better idea of what he is talking about. When he said it was "thick & soft" an afro like yours is the 1st thing that I pictured.
 
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Thanks for responding ladies! I know I really shouldn't have let his comments get to me, but it just really bothered me for some reason! Again, I still don't know what he meant by "nice quality of hair." He even went so far as to say something along the lines of it was an "upgrade" type of hair! I mean, what the f**ck does that even mean??

Anyway, screw him! My hair is AWESOME!! It IS damn it!:lol:

And thanks Charlie!! I really appreciate your kind words! I really needed to "hear" that after DH's insensitive words. :yep:
 
Sianna said:
Thanks for responding ladies! I know I really shouldn't have let his comments get to me, but it just really bothered me for some reason! Again, I still don't know what he meant by "nice quality of hair." He even went so far as to say something along the lines of it was an "upgrade" type of hair! I mean, what the f**ck does that even mean??

Anyway, screw him! My hair is AWESOME!! It IS damn it!:lol:

And thanks Charlie!! I really appreciate your kind words! I really needed to "hear" that after DH's insensitive words. :yep:
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Lol Sianna dont get upset over that :nono: He probably meant that hers is a slightly looser texture or more fine or something, :rolleyes: But really, dont let it bother you because he obviously didnt even think twice about it.
 
Truly, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! with that being said, what he considers nice quality hair is in his eyes, that doesn't mean yours is not nice, because in your eyes and many others eyes, yours is Beautiful, (including my eyes, by the way) but, in retospect, the bottom line is, how you feel about your hair, and whether or not your Happy and satisfied with it! Cause my true opinion, is that any 4 type hair is considered "Absolutely and Unequivically" "Good" hair to me, I So Love It!!! so when someone points out a head of hair thats anything other (Wavy, Curly, what have you), that most people consider to be, "Good Hair", I don't agree, (No offense to those with that type of hair), but again, thats just my preference, whats in my eye, the beholder! And a lot of people don't get it but, thats what I believe to be "Good" hair, hair thats versitile!:ohwell: Call me crazy, but I have 3B/C and what I wouldn't give for 4ZZZZZZ!!!! Lol!
 
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You gotta be careful asking that question....because it's a 50-50 chance that it will hurt your feelings. I don't think he's wrong, you just shouldn't have ask him that question, if there was a chance that you wouldn't like the answer.

People tend to call "good hair" the hair type that they like. It's like saying "good looking hair".

I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't like the way a lot of natural heads look, but I like a lot of them too. So because everybody is not going to like all natural hair, everybody is not going to think every natural head of hair is "good looking" hair.
 
Charlie555 said:
I sorry but how could he NOT like your hair?! Because I LOVE it in your siggy pics :yep:
Some men aren't good at describing stuff. Show him some hair pics similar to what he described if you want to get a better idea of what he is talking about. When he said it was "thick & soft" an afro like yours is the 1st thing that I pictured.
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Hey, hey! He never said he didn't like her hair. Don't go making the OP madder than she already is :lol:.
 
I think you may be jumping to conclusions a little.
All he said was that it was a nice quality (which really could mean anything), wasn't like a mixed person's (so her curl pattern isn't that loose) and that it was thick and looked soft. You asked if it was like yours, and he said no.
But he did not say it was nicer or better than yours. He just said that it was different. That doesn't mean that he doesn't like your hair or thinks that it's bad. It's just not the same as the girl's that he was talking about. To me, that doesn't sound insulting. And unless he has a track record of being unsupportive of your natural hair journey or has made side comments before, I don't think you should be mad.

Sometimes, we look for insults and offense where there is none. I wasn't there and I don't know your life or your DH's mind, but to me, it seems that this is one such time.
 
I think you know exactly what he meant. I know exactly what he meant and I wasn't even there. As a black woman whose in the process of trying to shake those "good hair, bad hair views" myself, I know exactly where this comes from and it doesn't come from a good place.

Sure, you can brush these types of comments off if you want, but what good does it do? There's a bigger picture and I'm not on some major quest to march on Washington or anything but I do make it my business to stomp ignorance one "fool" at a time. It's not a waste of time either, when you check someone on this you can almost see a light bulb go on in their eyes.

Thanks to this forum, I'm loving my 4a kinks more and more everyday. And I know it's the big white elephant in the room, but when it comes to American society and our hair, there's a fine line between preference and self-hate.
 
well, personally my hair made dean's list. so your husband would probably love it. BAM.
lol i'm just being silly.
 
luvSLave said:
Hey, hey! He never said he didn't like her hair. Don't go making the OP madder than she already is :lol:.
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You're right. He never said he didn't like my hair and in fact he prefers natural hair. I'm not really mad anymore, just a little annoyed now. :ohwell:

Chaosbutterfly said:
I think you may be jumping to conclusions a little.
All he said was that it was a nice quality (which really could mean anything), wasn't like a mixed person's (so her curl pattern isn't that loose) and that it was thick and looked soft. You asked if it was like yours, and he said no.
But he did not say it was nicer or better than yours. He just said that it was different. That doesn't mean that he doesn't like your hair or thinks that it's bad. It's just not the same as the girl's that he was talking about. To me, that doesn't sound insulting. And unless he has a track record of being unsupportive of your natural hair journey or has made side comments before, I don't think you should be mad.

Sometimes, we look for insults and offense where there is none. I wasn't there and I don't know your life or your DH's mind, but to me, it seems that this is one such time.
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There is a lot of truth to this comment and I really appreciate that you helped me to see it in a different light. Still though, the WAY he was talking made it clear to me that he felt this woman's hair was of a higher quality than the average black woman... such as myself. :rolleyes:

curlyninjagirl said:
I think you know exactly what he meant. I know exactly what he meant and I wasn't even there. As a black woman whose in the process of trying to shake those "good hair, bad hair views" myself, I know exactly where this comes from and it doesn't come from a good place.

Sure, you can brush these types of comments off if you want, but what good does it do? There's a bigger picture and I'm not on some major quest to march on Washington or anything but I do make it my business to stomp ignorance one "fool" at a time. It's not a waste of time either, when you check someone on this you can almost see a light bulb go on in their eyes.

Thanks to this forum, I'm loving my 4a kinks more and more everyday. And I know it's the big white elephant in the room, but when it comes to American society and our hair, there's a fine line between preference and self-hate.
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I especially agree with the bolded part of this comment! This is along the lines of what I was thinking when he made his comment.

Again, I know I really shouldn't have let it bother me, but the way he said it was like it was perfectly normal to think badly of certain hair types (mine) and I really didn't expect that from him seeing as how he is glad that I've gone natural. I think I would have been less offended and would have simply ignored him if he had apposed my being natural all along.
 
some country *** bumpkin said the same thing the other day "oh they got that good hair" im in braid right now and i let it be known that i cut my hair and am going natural so that when i take these braids out it's not THAT big of a shock. his comment .. ehh i just looked at him and said to myself "not today Joanne" and kept moving lol. im in my first year of college by the way.
 
i work with a guy who said something like everyone cant go natural because it just wont look good. i asked him was he referring to the style, he said no. i said well are you talking about the texture of the hair, he said no. so i asked him what he meant, he said everyone cant wear their own hair. lol so i said is it because it may be short, he said no. i still dont know what he meant.
 
Well I can say without a doubt if my husband said that I would know what he meant. Unfortunately he was raised in a family that lives by the term 'good' hair/ 'bad' hair and most of them say they have bad hair (but love to brag on great grandma who was half indian, lol).

He's cautious about saying anything about my hair (I'm natural) as I've lashed out at him before saying stupid stuff to me in the past. I know that I can't change his mindset, nor his family's, nor MY family, nor my friends, you get the point. I've think I've influenced some as they see how my hair is styled, etc. without a relaxer, but other than that I don't worry about it. It will take years/decades to correct the damage that has been done to a lot of our people.
 
well i like you hair/texture! Its unfortunate that he said this but its not him, its society. I like to look your hair every time you post (but then again i wasnt raised to think our natural hair was bad and although i have that thick 4z hair my fam never made me feel bad about it :yep:)
 
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I mean...did he say that you didn't have a nice quality of hair? In your OP you said you asked if your hair was like hers, which it may not be. Usually I'm ready to go Mama Africa, but I really don't think he meant anything by it except for the fact that her hair looks "different" than yours. Maybe she has different texture, which is why it looks different, or she wears her hair straight so it looks shinier than yours, as curlier hair tends to not look shiny. Either way, you have beautiful hair, so I hope you weren't that upset by it. :)
 
Maaaaaaan...I feel you; every woman in my family has tight curly hair that if they wanted to, they could wear it out and natural (a la moi!) but thanks to the ignorant men in our family and their over-usage of the word "nappy" (and trust I have lashed out a number of times, even on my elders, normally I am respectful but they take it too far sometimes) they wouldn't be so dang pressed to wear it straightened all the time!
 
EllePixie said:
I mean...did he say that you didn't have a nice quality of hair? In your OP you said you asked if your hair was like hers, which it may not be. Usually I'm ready to go Mama Africa, but I really don't think he meant anything by it except for the fact that her hair looks "different" than yours. Maybe she has different texture, which is why it looks different, or she wears her hair straight so it looks shinier than yours, as curlier hair tends to not look shiny. Either way, you have beautiful hair, so I hope you weren't that upset by it. :)
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No, he didn't say that outright, but I still feel that he doesn't consider my hair to be of equal quality to hers. I can appreciate the fact that two things can be very different yet equally valuable but in NO way did he suggest anything like that. I truly believe he was saying that the difference in the way this woman's hair looked, placed her hair in a category mine could never hope to achieve, no matter how well I care for it.

I mean, there's some things about my hair I can complain about, but overall I've found a love for my hair, my natural hair; including its texture, that I never dreamed I could and for some reason his comments really bothered me. Usually I have a really tough skin, but they actually even hurt my feelings a little.

Mind you, it's not that I agreed with him about my hair being of an inferior quality, I just felt... taken down a peg. :ohwell:
 
Let's keep it real OP. We all know what the word "quality" means...he also knows what the word means.. "in general"..

It's like the word: "TRUTH"... it can be a generalized term. but just like anything else. Your journey is to find out what your OWN "truth" is.. what works, and what it means to YOU...

His observation and others is only part of your journey OP..:) He's comfortable in his own definition of "quality hair" without having to go through a hair journey, or by listening to others, and probably being brainwashed by the media... just like many of us have - BEFORE we had to find out ourselves what "good hair" or "quality" hair truly means..

I remember coming on this board after finally seeing 4a/b weave hair on my head for the first time. I've always worn straight, wavy, loosely curled weaves for decades.. hiding my own hair..

This same weave hair matched my own natural 4b hair. My reaction was not good.. i didn't really know how to take it. didn't know how to word it... i was able to see the "outsiders" view of hair that wasn't "loosely curled", "straight" "wavy"..

and.. of course when i posted in my all of ignorance, i got verbally pummelled by the majority of the folks who've been embracing their natural hair for a lot longer than i had which was about 30 seconds..

I learned something about 1 year after this experience. It's very easy to forget where we came from. Everyone didn't come on this board embracing their natural hair. I'm sure folks have said things before coming here, that they choose to forget.

But i will add, that there were folks here on the forum that could see my dilemna.. they understood.. because of their insight, i was able to communicate my feelings as i progressed in my natural journey. And over time, learned to discover the truth.. good hair or quality hair is just plain old healthy hair, no matter what the texture is.

OP, you're beautiful, inside and out.. it shows in the pics.. i've seen this journey from both sides.. your SO doesn't know any better, and like myself - didn't know how to convey his own truth.. but just like SOME of the folks on this forum, just do something that was a HUGE help to me.

understand him, but continue your journey... he knows it annoyed you, but doesn't know any better - Now.. but just like me - he'll thank you later for it. :) i promise you that:)
 
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