Would you tell a fiancée about...

Reading all of the different viewpoints here has been really enlightening. Thanks ladies!

Well, I've never been in the situation, so I don't know what I would do. I really can understand both sides.

On the one hand I can see how a lady would be scared to lose her good man/best friend over something that may have happened years before he came along. But then, if he really loves her, shouldn't he stick by her? If God forgives us, shouldn't we learn how to forgive each other? But I can also understand if the man would be hurt to know his lady terminated a pregnancy even if it wasn't his child. So many things to consider.

Personally, I think that I would tell my fiance the truth. I would want a man who understands, forgives, and will help me move on. No one is perfect.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
you having an abortion in the past? I dunno, I think I wouldn't if I had one but actually one friend said it's important to know...what say you ladies?
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If it wasn't his, then no. I do tell men that I don't want kids AT ALL nor do I ever want to be pregnant. I'm not having sex now, but when I go back to it, the man will be fully informed that I will have an abortion should I get pregnant. If it means anything, I'm trying to find someone to tie my tubes, but it's hard because of my age and (ironically) lack of kids.

ETA: If he asked me frankly out of the blue, I answer truthfully.
 
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JustDoIt said:
I would tell.. and expect him to tell as well... just a part of being close enough to someone to marry them in my opinion
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Expect him to tell you what? About his abortions?

MizzBrown said:
^^ Me too. I want to know how he went about the situation. Did he just throw her $500, did he not even bother to go to the clinic with her? Did he suggest the termination or did she? Was his family for or against and why? WHEN did it happen? We talkin' about an abortion at age 17 or just a couple years before YOU came along?
Depending on his answers, that's my dealbreaker right there. It aint so much the fact that you had one. How did you DEAL with it is what gets me and WHEN.
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MizzBrown All that sort of stuff should come up before you even have sex. I have never had sex with a man before telling him where I stand on all things sexual and hearing his stances. I don't see the point in even dating a man who doesn't want me to control my own fertility as I see fit. How in the hell does someone get to the point of ENGAGEMENT without ever talking about reproductive choices and habits?? That is really scary to me.


What I don't get is the concept of just randomly bringing it up out of the blue. I think it should come up naturally as a result of a mature and frank conversation out our sexual choices and beliefs PRIOR to hitting the sheets. You're not touching me if you cannot accept my sexual and reproductive beliefs and/or I cannot accept yours - period! I find it strange that people actually expect folks to up and tell them, "BTW, did you know in the past I...". Relationships should be proactive. Getting mad at someone for not randomly telling you facts about their past is foolish. If it's that important to you, you should open a dialogue.
 
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I probably wouldnt unless there was some need like we wanted kids and it was goign to cause fertility issues. I wouldn't lie if he asked, but I dont know that I would volunteer the information either.
 
Its not his business if it won't effect carrying his child later. Why would another woman wanna know about some woman he got preganant if she didnt keep the child? Telling too much can make a dude run for the hills! And the silly woman will be wondering why he left? Men are not that forthcoming with info and some will use it against you.
 
If it doesn't affect your current fertility and psychological well-being I don't think it's absolutely necessary to tell a fiance that, while I believe in being open I don't think you have to tell everything in your past. For example, I never understand why a woman has a "need" to tell a partner how many sexual partners she had...why? Honestly, some things are better left unsaid. However if he asked I would be honest, but if it doesn't come up then a woman shouldn't feel as if she has to (subject to my exceptions above), only if she wants to.
 
Some men have really strong feelings about abortion so telling him could damage your relationship. Some secrets are best taken to the grave. In the same way I wouldn't tell him how many men I'd slept with. Both decisions were before I met him and none of his business unless it affects the present with him
 
I would not tell unless he asks. I do not see where it is any of his business. Do you think he will offer up if any of his exes had abortions by him?
 
asakeba said:
Some men have really strong feelings about abortion so telling him could damage your relationship. Some secrets are best taken to the grave. In the same way I wouldn't tell him how many men I'd slept with. Both decisions were before I met him and none of his business unless it affects the present with him
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I feel the exact opposite. I would never keep either of those things from my husband. I don't want to walk around pretending to be something when I'm not. It's misleading to to allow a man to think you have never been pregnant when you have, just like it would be misleading if you found out he payed for 4 abortions before he started dating you. Hiding that you had an abortion IMO implies that you are ashamed of what you did, or maybe you still havent gotten over it. Either way that is something you need to deal with before you become someones wife.
 
JayAnn0513 said:
I feel the exact opposite. I would never keep either of those things from my husband. I don't want to walk around pretending to be something when I'm not. It's misleading to to allow a man to think you have never been pregnant when you have, just like it would be misleading if you found out he payed for 4 abortions before he started dating you.
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But that's assumption on the part of others. I never assume anything about a person. To just assume tabla rassa is in place on each new partner is naive. It's like that thread about people who find out their men have kids. Well, if it was important for you to know, why didn't you ask. I see a huge flaw in the mentality of anyone who just ups and expects people to up and tell them random facts about their past with no prompting whatsoever.
 
JayAnn0513 said:
I feel the exact opposite. I would never keep either of those things from my husband. I don't want to walk around pretending to be something when I'm not. It's misleading to to allow a man to think you have never been pregnant when you have, just like it would be misleading if you found out he payed for 4 abortions before he started dating you. Hiding that you had an abortion IMO implies that you are ashamed of what you did, or maybe you still havent gotten over it. Either way that is something you need to deal with before you become someones wife.
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I think someone mentioned on this board already how difficult the decision to have an abortion is, even more so if the pregnancy came about through traumatic circumstances. Having to relive the pain of termination is not something I think anyone should have to go through just to appease someone elses curiosity. Many women still live with the pain of the decision and remember everyday what could have been. Some will forever live with that guilt and yes some women are ashamed of that decision, but it is not for a partner to judge. I've heard too many stories on this board about women who tell their partners things that happened in their past only for it to be thrown back at them. Why open yourself up to that? What's in the past remains in the past as far as I'm concerned.

"Pretending to be something you are not" what does that really mean? Having an abortion is pretending to be a good person? or not a slut or not an irresponsible person?
I wonder what purpose telling your partner will serve besides appeasing you the person who is so desperate to know about a person's past.

All to often it changes people's perception of you as if abortion was your chosen method of birth control, when in many instances, women feel it's the only way out of very challenging circumstances. I'm certainly getting that whiff of judgement being passed down on this board and frankly, I don't like it.
 
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