Would you tell a fiancée about...

yokoyokogirl

yokoyokogirl

New Member
you having an abortion in the past? I dunno, I think I wouldn't if I had one but actually one friend said it's important to know...what say you ladies?
 
I think it's very important to share . . . if you're thinking about creating a life with someone, I wouldn't want something like that as a secret . . . especially if it might impact our future to have children together.

But that's just me.
 
i guess so but even if not from a "we're gonna have kids one day" standpoint (which is valid and important) if he's the guy you are planning to spend the rest of your life with you should feel comfortable enough to share your secrets with him anyways...he should be like your best friend :yep:
 
If you are going to marry a man, he should be your best friend. While the abortion is your past, he has the right to know, just as if a woman had an abortion with his child. Secrets are not good.
 
I guess I am in the minority, I wouldn't tell him. Now if we were planning to have children I would make sure that my OB\GYN was aware and I would tell them that my spouse doesn't know.
 
I would be curious why he would need to know. I could understand if it was a botched procedure which had an effect on her fertility. I could also understand in the context of sharing life experiences. But other than that what would be her reason for telling him? I guess it all depends on context.
 
I would think it would have come up naturally when they have come as far as being engaged?
Most people are very close to the one they marry and they share everything together.
I can't imagine getting engaged to someone I hadn't shared all my trials and tribulations from the past with.

It's very important, not only for health reasons, but for reasons of intimacy as well.
No one else among your friends and acquaintances should know what he doesn't know.
 
Hmm..Would yall expect your fiance to tell you about HIS abortions too? How many he's paid for, dealt with, found out about a later date, if any?

I'd tell him if necessary. You need to know where he stands on the issue anyway and you having/not having one may change the way you veiw the relationship. But I'd also want to know if and how many times he's had to take someone to the clinic.
 
I am more curious about why this is coming up now? Was it his child?
I wouldn't tell, there are somethings in all of our pasts that need to remain the past. Now if you are waking up in cold sweats having nightmares, then talk about it, but if you made an adult decision a year ago....move on....confess to God.....everything is not for everyone to know....
 
I would tell.. and expect him to tell as well... just a part of being close enough to someone to marry them in my opinion
 
I would not say a thing. What is the point of it? To prove what? Unless I aborted his child, he does not need to know. If complications arose during a pregnancy with his child or if we were ttc and it just wasn't happening and the doctor said oh, this is because you had an abortion in the past and so this could affect your ability to have children with your (future) husband, then that is something he needs to know. Otherwise that is none of his concern. Having an abortion is a very personal decision and I would not bring it up unless I absolutely had to.
 
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I would absolutely tell.

What if you've had multiple abortions and there's so much scar tissue down there that there's problems having children in the future? That could come up at the obgyn or after multiple miscarries or whatever....

But whether it came up or not, that's a big deal and an important thing to share IMO.
 
MizzBrown said:
Hmm..Would yall expect your fiance to tell you about HIS abortions too? How many he's paid for, dealt with, found out about a later date, if any?

I'd tell him if necessary. You need to know where he stands on the issue anyway and you having/not having one may change the way you veiw the relationship. But I'd also want to know if and how many times he's had to take someone to the clinic.
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I completly agree with everything you said.
if its relevant, or you feel the need to share it then do so. otherwise whats the point?
 
aminata said:
I would be curious why he would need to know. I could understand if it was a botched procedure which had an effect on her fertility. I could also understand in the context of sharing life experiences. But other than that what would be her reason for telling him? I guess it all depends on context.
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Well, put it like this - how would you feel if your fiance didn't tell you if he had gotten someone pregnant before (whether or not she had the child). If that doesn't bother you, then I guess you have no need to tell that you had been pregnant. As for me, I would want to know.
 
^^ Me too. I want to know how he went about the situation. Did he just throw her $500, did he not even bother to go to the clinic with her? Did he suggest the termination or did she? Was his family for or against and why? WHEN did it happen? We talkin' about an abortion at age 17 or just a couple years before YOU came along?

Depending on his answers, that's my dealbreaker right there. It aint so much the fact that you had one. How did you DEAL with it is what gets me and WHEN.
 
FlowerHair said:
I would think it would have come up naturally when they have come as far as being engaged?
Most people are very close to the one they marry and they share everything together.
I can't imagine getting engaged to someone I hadn't shared all my trials and tribulations from the past with.

It's very important, not only for health reasons, but for reasons of intimacy as well.
No one else among your friends and acquaintances should know what he doesn't know.
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I especially agree with the bolded. I would tell him. No doubt. We're not talking about someone I'm dating, this is my future husband.

And yes, I would want to know about his past also. I don't want any surprises popping up on me after we've been married 10 years.
 
people are asking what's the difference between a woman telling a man she got an abortion and a man revealing how many of his ex's had . well, i don't think a man goes through the same psychological issues that face a woman who has had to go through ending a pregnancy. even if she feels it was the best decision, trust, she will remember that date every year and may even think about how old the potential child would be years from time of the procedure. in all honestly if i were a dude and found out that my gf had 4, 5 or more abortions (which is rare...i think), i would be bothered and may end the relationship because i may read that as carelessness/callousness. a man may pay for a procedure but ultimately a woman decides lay on that table and have the procedure done. the psychological costs are simply not the same IMO.

to the OP: it is important to reveal this b/c while it is in the past it is an IMPORTANT part of your past.
 
Glib Gurl said:
Well, put it like this - how would you feel if your fiance didn't tell you if he had gotten someone pregnant before (whether or not she had the child). If that doesn't bother you, then I guess you have no need to tell that you had been pregnant. As for me, I would want to know.
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Truthfully, I would be more concerned about the extra mouth to feed, and I would hope at the beginning of the relationship he would say he has children from previous relationships.
As for getting a girl pregnant in the past--and if she chose to terminate the pregnancy--I don't feel like its a must tell. Why? Was this something from 5, 10 or more years ago? It he felt it necessary to tell me, fine--just like this girl in this situation. If she feels it's necessary, but other than that why does he need to know?
At the same time if its therapeutic for her. But again, her choice.

My opinion is in the minority, but I still feel that she does not have to tell him about her abortion unless it left her with fertility problems or they are sharing life experiences and in that context it comes up. In the end it's her choice. Also, what if she was a victim of violence? What if it's something she just wants to move on from? I think she has that right. In the end it's her decision. Maybe she's not ready to discuss it --maybe down the line she'll be more open to it. But is the past ever the past?
 
I think it is important to tell. Especially if you think it might even be an inkling of a problem. Remember, this is an emotional issue for women and men alike.

Also, I would never want him to find out by accident.
 
I just asked my brother how he would feel if his hypothetical fiance told him that she had an abortion.

He said he would probably end the engagement for two reasons:
1. She waited until they were engaged to tell him. If they were that serious, they should know all of the important things that happened in each other's lives and that is very important.
2. He wants their first pregnancy to be a first for both of them, so it would be a deal breaker.
 
MizzBrown said:
Hmm..Would yall expect your fiance to tell you about HIS abortions too? How many he's paid for, dealt with, found out about a later date, if any?

I'd tell him if necessary. You need to know where he stands on the issue anyway and you having/not having one may change the way you veiw the relationship. But I'd also want to know if and how many times he's had to take someone to the clinic.
Click to expand...


I would absolutely want to know and it's a question i asked all my exes. I wanna know alla that stuff!! i want to know how careful he's been, how responsible, and how he handles situations like that. And the way he tells me the story says a lot too, does he take responsibility? "blame" it on the girl he was with, talk about it bitterly, sadly, indifferently.... But this is a question that's asked before dude gets anywhere near fiancee status.
 
I have never had an abortion, but knowing this specific relationship that I am in, I would definitely tell him if I had, knowing how he feels about abortion. As far as any other relationship, I would probably tell that person, too. I would hate to know that he is pro-life and then he find out some years down the line that I had an abortion. I know that my SO's ex had an abortion, and it affected him so deeply because she didn't tell him she was terminating the pregnancy until after she had already done it. He was actually ready to be a father and has always felt like it was stolen from him since there was absolutely no discussion about what she was going to do.

In addition, I do agree that it is in the way it comes up. I think in this case we were talking about pregnancy in general....a few months into the relationship I asked him what we would do if my BC failed, and he told me about all this. I also agree with the fact that it should be discussed just as all other major life events should be revealed.
 
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