WOULD YOU DEAL WITH HIM AGAIN??

S

sakarikassan

New Member
Ok. ladies this is a lengthy one(lol). okay so there's this guy that i've known for about 5 years now. i thought that he was a really good friend of mine, actually i thought he was my best guy friend. he met this girl in 2006 and 'fell in love', the worse part is that it was around the same time i 'fell in love' with him. well needless to say, he decided that she was who he wanted to be with, never mind that fact that he talked about how bad she treated, and how nasty her disposition was. a few examples of this female's behavior(he bought her a $200 brandname purse that she threw in his face because she wanted a more expensive one, during one of the many times she dumped him, she became 'engaged' to another man, she had my 'friend' paying for her hair, nails and trips, while her and her fiance' were saving their money for their wedding(seems the fiance' was pretty wise-he got out while he could), of course after this she decided that she wanted my 'friend' back, he's told me about times that she's left him standing at her front door(even out in the rain) and she was home!) just a few examples, like i said.
but it's not about here. here's where i would like you ladies opinions. okay in 2006, when i first told him how i felt about him, he alienated me for close to a year, no calls, no texts, no nothing. then somehow we came back into each other's lives(at the time she had dumped him again) and it was okay up until the beginning of this year. i just couldn't shake my feelings for him(i truly did love him unconditionally) and so i just told him how i really truly felt this time and decided that if he couldn't deal with it, that was on him, but i was going to set myself free. now mind you around this time, he claimed that him and the female were no longer together, and i came to find out that she indeed was back in the picture. which for me, better explained his nasty behavior. it became clear to me that it wasn't so much of what i told him, it was because he was seeing her again, and felt guilty about not revealing it to me. i'm not sure if he didnt tell me due to embarrasment or stupidity, but both are understandable. needless to say, it didn't go well. he said some very hurtful things to me(even that he hated me). it took me some time, but now i'm over him, i've moved on with my life. but now he's come back wanting to be in my life again(of course she's dumped him again). thus far i've pretty much shunned him, his calls, and his texts. he sends messages "i love you very much" now, i admit there was a time, i'd fall for those messages, but i'm just not at that point anymore. i'm no longer up to having the position of being the 'safety net' or 'the shoulder to lean on'. but it's like at the same time i'm struggling with this spiritually. it's like i've forgiven him for how he treated me, but at the same time, i want nothing to do with him because i feel like time he either finds someone else, or gets back with her again, it's the sidelines for me again. and it's like he wants to come back in my life as if nothing ever took place. and i just can't seem to pull myself up to that. why do men do this?? they want to try and have something with worst women, then when they get tired of the 'craziness', they want to crawl back to the sensible women. what is up with that??
am i wrong?? would you deal with him again if you were in this position?
 
This whole thing is confusing to me.... Were you having sex with him? I also don't understand what you expected from him if you two were "just friends"....I think he saw you as a F buddy (if you two were having sex)and didn't catch feelings the way you did. If you deal with him again I wouldn't expect anything to change.
 
I think you know what the majority of the answers are going to be to this post. The question is will you follow the advice?

Sometimes what is good for you is difficult to hear and to do, just like that guy he knows what is right but he won't do it.

So if we all tell you not to see him again or deal with him again because it is for your own good will you do it?

I and am sure many of the ladies on the board want what is good for your, right now it will be the most difficult thing for you to do, can you do that?

You need to let him and this situation go. You are much more valuable than this and should be treated that way.

I don't know you and you are new to the board but we all look out for each other and are pretty good at knowing when something is not right. This situation is toxic and you need to let this one go.

Just my opinion. Wishing you all the best.
 
men have so many internal issues its not even funny....if you really loved him and he felt he was undeserving of love within there was no way he was gonna be able to be with you until he got to a point where he wanted love in his life...people who feel undeserving of love gravitate towards people who treat them how they think they deserve to be treated...these are all at very deep unaware levels...

This is a situation you will have to follow and trust your heart on (not emotions, resolve and release all of those so they don't get in the way)...you can forgive and love and let go and wish him love in his journey and you take a different path...you can forgive ,love and give more chances, just know that whatever you chose that if love is guiding you that it won't steer you wrong and even if you choose to leave its not meaning you don't love him so no need to feel guilty or conflict over that....

nobody else is in your heart and all anybody elses advice will be is projection of their own feelings, biases, and judgements which is personal to them......

I wish you and him the best in this experience

you will figure it out one way or the other
 
When a man says mean, nasty & hurtful things to you, is it always about another woman? I'd really like to know :look:.

I'd be leery of this one. Not because of what he did but moreso how he did it. I'm not too quick to give the benefit of the doubt to a guy who bad mouths the woman he's with, to another woman. Not saying that you are, but please don't try to subliminally "prove" to him that you are a better person than she is. Sounds like he's the one with the issues. You have to do what your gut tells you but please don't fall for the okey doke of this guy's cycle.

PS - Allowing a guy to talk to you any kind of way, no matter what the situation, is settling for less than what you deserve. There's no other way to put that. Respect is fundamental.
 
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also remember being spiritual and loving doesn't mean you have to put up with anything that doesn't make you feel good in order to be that type of person....loving yourself is the most spiritual thing you can do...Everybody is in GOD"s grace, including you and this guy and everything going on with anybody is for their own personal experience and journey back to that source of love.....you don't have to be GOD to know you are of GOD...do whats gonna make your heart sing not cry
 
Definitely not. I'm never letting a man treat me disrespectful or as "second best" to anyone.

What advice would you give to someone you love it they were going through this?
 
*lights up a newport one hunnit*...

lemme see..how should i say this....

you are what they call da "meanwhile back at da ranch" type chick.....see, meanwhile, back at da ranch, while he couldn't get no puddi from her, he got it from you...ole reliable...miss. johnny on da spot.

das it n das all you were to him. i don't think you really loved him, i think it was more of a pity phuck type relationship, cuz u pittied him...

it's the sidelines for me again. and it's like he wants to come back in my life as if nothing ever took place. and i just can't seem to pull myself up to that. why do men do this?? to answer your questions above, they do this because YOU allow them to.


they want to try and have something with worst women, then when they get tired of the 'craziness', they want to crawl back to the sensible women. what is up with that??

you don't know for sure if this other woman is "worse". You only know what he tells you, and men will tell you anything just to get some pitty puddi...and the reason why they crawl back is cuz again, YOU allow them ..

am i wrong?? would you deal with him again if you were in this position?

yeah, ur wrong..why would you wanna be anyone's sidekick? you shouldn't think that low of yourself, and the fact that he's even told you he hates you....das a dealbreaker for me.

you would be an idiot for dealing with him because he has no ounce of respect for you, you will never have his heart, and to him, you will be just something to do to pass the time... you don't believe me... try him..
 
He only acknowledges you when him and the other female are off.
He is nasty and mean to you.
He has left you when you expressed how you felt about him.
So basically, you are playing second best to this other female.
If I were you I would not allow someone to treat me like this.
However, if you put up with this situation, and allow it.
Well, You Deserve It.
He will treat you according to what you put up with, and what you allow.
The next time he calls or text, Tell Him You Are Not A Simpleton. And for him to. "Move Around" In other words get on with it.
I would leave him so quick he wouldn't even know I left or he was done.
 
NO! PLEASE DO NOT DEAL WITH HIM AGAIN! I'M SERIOUS! LET GO! MOVE ON! TRUST ME!
I know from experience. I dealt with a guy similar to you. It's a guy that I've been knowing since 2003. My feelings finally went away for him in 2008. Luckily, I had a boyfriend off and on from 2002 to 2006, and when I was broken up with my boyfriend, I would date this guy. Just a big mess. He bounced me around all those years with claims wanting me, liking me, being attracted to me, and all that BULLSHYT, but it never turned into anything official. He would come in and out of my life after several weeks or months of no contact. But there were several times I pushed him away and didn't give into his advances. He had a girlfriend since 2005 I believe that he always claimed he didn't have. He was single when it came to me. LOL! The more you hang onto your feelings with him, the more damage it's going to do to your mind. Ignore him and don't ever initiate any contact with him EVER. And whatever you do, PLEASE don't settle to be the sideline hoe or the jump off mistress. That will kill your self-esteem and self-worth. No matter what sob stories he gives to you about his girlfriend, don't be a sucker for "love". He loves her, not you. And if you are looking for a relationship, I hope another man can come into your life so you can forget about this loser you are so-called in loved with right now. But please, let go while you have the time now so this situation doesn't run into another potential relationship in the future.

Edited to Add: This is a note from one of my friend's on Facebook that I wanted to share:

What does she mean to you...
Thursday, January 4, 2007 at 6:35pm

A Niggga has 4 different types of girls..

1. Wifey
2. Boo
3. Bytches
4. Hoe's

1) Wifey is irreplaceable...but is she the only one that is irreplaceable...She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man...But, he will cheat on her with Boo, Bytches, and Ho's until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses Wifey he would be screwed and NEVER be happy again...

2) Boo is replaceable, she thinks she's Wifey, but she will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey was made irreplaceable...she can NEVER replace her...Boo tries to take Wifey's spot, but once she attempts, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey's spot....but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him... (Ladies.. you don't want to be BOO)

3) Bytches...A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually related events..That call when Wifey acting up and you need a quick nut. The bytch is the first one running there.

4) Hoes...enough said! Trying to move up in life. Wants to be a Bytch or a Boo. Hoes are just the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups in case a Bytch or a Boo slips up. Then you replace with a Hoe.

*I've become aquainted with all of these women...it's 2007 though. I'm looking for my true "boonopolis".*
 
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Ah!! thank you all SO much!!

i really, really appreciate ALL of the replies. Actually 'moving on was what i was(and have been doing). but i wanted to be sure that i am right in the way that i'm doing things. like i said, my struggle with it was 'spiritually', i really do try to hold on to my Christian faith. Anti-babymamma, to answer your question a big fat 'NO'(lol). and that is where i thank God moreso that there was never any kind of sexual relationship between us(i think that would've made letting go even harder). also, i'd like to think that many women(even some men) begin dealing with the opposite sex on a friendship level in hopes that it would build a foundation for something more. so i don't feel guilty or naive in that area. sorry.
i believe now that it's not so much of what a person has gone through, but what that person has learned from what they've gone through. and i thank God that i've learned a lot. and even more thanks to all of you great women! thank you SO much again!!
 
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Poohbear said:
NO! PLEASE DO NOT DEAL WITH HIM AGAIN! I'M SERIOUS! LET GO! MOVE ON! TRUST ME!
I know from experience. I dealt with a guy similar to you. It's a guy that I've been knowing since 2003. My feelings finally went away for him in 2008. Luckily, I had a boyfriend off and on from 2002 to 2006, and when I was broken up with my boyfriend, I would date this guy. Just a big mess. He bounced me around all those years with claims wanting me, liking me, being attracted to me, and all that BULLSHYT, but it never turned into anything official. He would come in and out of my life after several weeks or months of no contact. But there were several times I pushed him away and didn't give into his advances. He had a girlfriend since 2005 I believe that he always claimed he didn't have. He was single when it came to me. LOL! The more you hang onto your feelings with him, the more damage it's going to do to your mind. Ignore him and don't ever initiate any contact with him EVER. And whatever you do, PLEASE don't settle to be the sideline hoe or the jump off mistress. That will kill your self-esteem and self-worth. No matter what sob stories he gives to you about his girlfriend, don't be a sucker for "love". He loves her, not you. And if you are looking for a relationship, I hope another man can come into your life so you can forget about this loser you are so-called in loved with right now. But please, let go while you have the time now so this situation doesn't run into another potential relationship in the future.

Edited to Add: This is a note from one of my friend's on Facebook that I wanted to share:

What does she mean to you...
Thursday, January 4, 2007 at 6:35pm

A Niggga has 4 different types of girls..

1. Wifey
2. Boo
3. Bytches
4. Hoe's

1) Wifey is irreplaceable...but is she the only one that is irreplaceable...She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man...But, he will cheat on her with Boo, Bytches, and Ho's until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses Wifey he would be screwed and NEVER be happy again...

2) Boo is replaceable, she thinks she's Wifey, but she will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey was made irreplaceable...she can NEVER replace her...Boo tries to take Wifey's spot, but once she attempts, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey's spot....but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him... (Ladies.. you don't want to be BOO)

3) Bytches...A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually related events..That call when Wifey acting up and you need a quick nut. The bytch is the first one running there.

4) Hoes...enough said! Trying to move up in life. Wants to be a Bytch or a Boo. Hoes are just the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups in case a Bytch or a Boo slips up. Then you replace with a Hoe.

*I've become aquainted with all of these women...it's 2007 though. I'm looking for my true "boonopolis".*
Click to expand...


DAS WASSUP FA REAL ....EVERYTHING SHE SAID...
 
Why do people try to use the Christian faith as a reason not to remove themselves from a bad situation? This reason was given to another recently to another young lady in OT who did not want her sister's "friend" living in their apartment.
 
well, actually Carrie A. i don't feel like i'm using my Christian faith as an excuse. i'm no longer 'in' the situation. my question really was, by removing myself and having absolutely 'no' contact, is that okay spiritually. some would say that if you can't at least be cordial to a person it's 'un'Christian, and at this point, i don't even want to be cordial to this man. i know that's bad, but i don't.
 
sakarikassan said:
well, actually Carrie A. i don't feel like i'm using my Christian faith as an excuse. i'm no longer 'in' the situation. my question really was, by removing myself and having absolutely 'no' contact, is that okay spiritually. some would say that if you can't at least be cordial to a person it's 'un'Christian, and at this point, i don't even want to be cordial to this man. i know that's bad, but i don't.
Click to expand...

you are beating yourself up and judging yourself and creating karma of guilt by making yourself "bad" for how you feel...you don't have to apologize nor justify your feelings....just accept them for what they are

be spiritual not by demeaning yourself but by wishing love for you both...

send him love out into the universe..we are all spiritual energetic beings you don't have to have physical contact with him to wish him love and be on your way and move on with your life
 
I'm Christian..and I've been there....recently...

This is what I do...and am doing
I still love the person...I miss the person
and I bless the person...and pray for him
we will NEVER have the kind of relationship we both envisoned and expressed
to the other.....

he got in touch recently and I told him I missed him but made it clear
that nothing has changed

he has proven himself to be untrustworthy and that is the bottom line
without trust..there is NO relationship

it's okay to be angry... it's okay to be willing to forgive
even if you dont feel it in your heart
all you have to say to God is .....Lord. I'm willing
Help me with this~
and that is mainly for ..you..so you can move nwith serenity and not bitterness

Forgiveness....however does not mean re-entering the relationship!!!
wish him well and tell him it's over
and you hope....he wishes you well too!
and tell him politely you will no longer accept his calls

if you have feelings that come up ...let them come up :yep:
do not judge them..observe them
oh....okay I'm feeling this ..okay..
I can let it go now


and in the bible it says bring every thought into captiviy
so you can offer up them to God and do nothing
other than give thanks there is PLACE to release this to

For I have not given you confusion
but power,love and a sound mind
in the book of Timothy


btw..OP you're doing fine
((((((hugs)))))))
 
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it's the sidelines for me again. and it's like he wants to come back in my life as if nothing ever took place. and i just can't seem to pull myself up to that. why do men do this?? to answer your questions above, they do this because YOU allow them to.

they want to try and have something with worst women, then when they get tired of the 'craziness', they want to crawl back to the sensible women. what is up with that??

you don't know for sure if this other woman is "worse". You only know what he tells you, and men will tell you anything just to get some pitty puddi...and the reason why they crawl back is cuz again, YOU allow them ..

am i wrong?? would you deal with him again if you were in this position?

yeah, ur wrong..why would you wanna be anyone's sidekick? you shouldn't think that low of yourself, and the fact that he's even told you he hates you....das a dealbreaker for me.
Click to expand...

yep...to all points
 
kayte said:
I'm Christian..and I've been there....recently...

This is what I do...and am doing
I still love the person...I miss the person
and I bless the person...and pray for him
we will NEVER have the kind of relationship we both envisoned and expressed
to the other.....

he got in touch recently and I told him I missed him but made it clear
that nothing has changed

he has proven himself to be untrustworthy and that is the bottom line
without trust..there is NO relationship

it's okay to be angry... it's okay to be willing to forgive
even if you dont feel it in your heart
all you have to say to God is .....Lord. I'm willing
Help me with this~
and that is mainly for ..you..so you can move nwith serenity and not bitterness

Forgiveness....however does not mean re-entering the relationship!!!
wish him well and tell him it's over
and you hope....he wishes you well too!
and tell him politely you will no longer accept his calls

if you have feelings that come up ...let them come up :yep:
do not judge them..observe them
oh....okay I'm feeling this ..okay..
I can let it go now


and in the bible it says bring every thought into captiviy
so you can offer up them to God and do nothing
other than give thanks there is PLACE to release this to

For I have not given you confusion
but power,love and a sound mind
in the book of Timothy


btw..OP you're doing fine
((((((hugs)))))))
Click to expand...


Listen to Kayte.
This Lovely Lady gives some of the best advice:yep:.
 
Go on and find your own peace. Deal with a man that loves you as much as you love him. You are nothing but a safe harbour for him. This can go on for years if you let it. Break the cycle. If you do you will probably meet your man not too far into the future. My friend was in this exact same situation for 10 years when she finally let him go the good lord blessed her with a wonderful husband. This man loves women with drama. He likes the problems and craziness of the drama this woman brings to him because he keeps coming back to her. She knows that he is a punk that is why she treats him like that.

Time for a good house cleaning.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
*lights up a newport one hunnit*...

lemme see..how should i say this....

you are what they call da "meanwhile back at da ranch" type chick.....see, meanwhile, back at da ranch, while he couldn't get no puddi from her, he got it from you...ole reliable...miss. johnny on da spot.

das it n das all you were to him. i don't think you really loved him, i think it was more of a pity phuck type relationship, cuz u pittied him...

it's the sidelines for me again. and it's like he wants to come back in my life as if nothing ever took place. and i just can't seem to pull myself up to that. why do men do this?? to answer your questions above, they do this because YOU allow them to.


they want to try and have something with worst women, then when they get tired of the 'craziness', they want to crawl back to the sensible women. what is up with that??

you don't know for sure if this other woman is "worse". You only know what he tells you, and men will tell you anything just to get some pitty puddi...and the reason why they crawl back is cuz again, YOU allow them ..

am i wrong?? would you deal with him again if you were in this position?

yeah, ur wrong..why would you wanna be anyone's sidekick? you shouldn't think that low of yourself, and the fact that he's even told you he hates you....das a dealbreaker for me.

you would be an idiot for dealing with him because he has no ounce of respect for you, you will never have his heart, and to him, you will be just something to do to pass the time... you don't believe me... try him..
Click to expand...

Poohbear said:
NO! PLEASE DO NOT DEAL WITH HIM AGAIN! I'M SERIOUS! LET GO! MOVE ON! TRUST ME!
I know from experience. I dealt with a guy similar to you. It's a guy that I've been knowing since 2003. My feelings finally went away for him in 2008. Luckily, I had a boyfriend off and on from 2002 to 2006, and when I was broken up with my boyfriend, I would date this guy. Just a big mess. He bounced me around all those years with claims wanting me, liking me, being attracted to me, and all that BULLSHYT, but it never turned into anything official. He would come in and out of my life after several weeks or months of no contact. But there were several times I pushed him away and didn't give into his advances. He had a girlfriend since 2005 I believe that he always claimed he didn't have. He was single when it came to me. LOL! The more you hang onto your feelings with him, the more damage it's going to do to your mind. Ignore him and don't ever initiate any contact with him EVER. And whatever you do, PLEASE don't settle to be the sideline hoe or the jump off mistress. That will kill your self-esteem and self-worth. No matter what sob stories he gives to you about his girlfriend, don't be a sucker for "love". He loves her, not you. And if you are looking for a relationship, I hope another man can come into your life so you can forget about this loser you are so-called in loved with right now. But please, let go while you have the time now so this situation doesn't run into another potential relationship in the future.

Edited to Add: This is a note from one of my friend's on Facebook that I wanted to share:

What does she mean to you...
Thursday, January 4, 2007 at 6:35pm

A Niggga has 4 different types of girls..

1. Wifey
2. Boo
3. Bytches
4. Hoe's

1) Wifey is irreplaceable...but is she the only one that is irreplaceable...She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man...But, he will cheat on her with Boo, Bytches, and Ho's until he is mature enough to realize that if he loses Wifey he would be screwed and NEVER be happy again...

2) Boo is replaceable, she thinks she's Wifey, but she will NEVER be Wifey because Wifey was made irreplaceable...she can NEVER replace her...Boo tries to take Wifey's spot, but once she attempts, the guy allows her to get a TASTE of Wifey's spot....but will NEVER achieve her spot for any longer than a few months, then the man goes back to Wifey. And Boo either gets replaced with another Boo, or, the man matures and decides that Wifey is the one for him... (Ladies.. you don't want to be BOO)

3) Bytches...A female that a male uses only for sex or other sexually related events..That call when Wifey acting up and you need a quick nut. The bytch is the first one running there.

4) Hoes...enough said! Trying to move up in life. Wants to be a Bytch or a Boo. Hoes are just the girls you bag for no reason and have them in your phone. Backups in case a Bytch or a Boo slips up. Then you replace with a Hoe.

*I've become aquainted with all of these women...it's 2007 though. I'm looking for my true "boonopolis".*
Click to expand...



I love you ladies! You both always come with the realness! You both tell it like it is! :yep: Learned so much from you.
 
sakarikassan said:
well, actually Carrie A. i don't feel like i'm using my Christian faith as an excuse. i'm no longer 'in' the situation. my question really was, by removing myself and having absolutely 'no' contact, is that okay spiritually. some would say that if you can't at least be cordial to a person it's 'un'Christian, and at this point, i don't even want to be cordial to this man. i know that's bad, but i don't.
Click to expand...

Right. No I hear you loud and clear about already being out of the situation but the bolded is was really what I was questioning. I'm including your feelings about completely cutting ties as totally being out of the situation. I think Kayte/ Tiara got to the heart of what I'm trying to ask. Why on earth should not having contact equate to a laps of your spirituality? You haven't said anything about wishing hate on this individual or holding blame in your heart.
 
He treating you as second best. When things dont work out with the other girl, he'c running back to you.

No I wouldnt take him back.
 
Listen to Kayte.
This Lovely Lady gives some of the best advice.
Click to expand...
ahh that's so kind..I dunno about that
I just speak my own truth....hopefully God is in there too
is all


i'm no longer 'in' the situation. my question really was, by removing myself and having absolutely 'no' contact, is that okay spiritually. some would say that if you can't at least be cordial to a person it's 'un'Christian, and at this point, i don't even want to be cordial to this man. i know that's bad, but i don't.
Click to expand...

yes..it IS okay spiritually!

the bible says in proverbs..make no friends with a angry man lest you learn his ways
have you ever heard of..... detach with an axe?
sounds like that's what you doing....and moreover what you NEED to be doing

in order to get to a place of peace.... sometimes you need to own your anger
it is one mechanism/barometer to protect yourself from being walked on ..so the anger reminds you ..you have value and deserve the utmost kindess consideration and respect and have a right to get upset when that is compromised by a reckless self serving individual

keeping it spiritual..means you remember to give it to God and not nurse the anger
but nurse the relationship to God so that you have peace and can be free....
and freely forgive..without saying one word to him....

and move on.....
in your separate ways
 
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