Women and cheating (in a relationship/marriage)....

[TheseStankyLegs]

Okay, so a few weeks ago my BF told me that she was in love with another guy. Her DH (yes, they are married) had no idea. She SAYS she didn't sleep with him during the marriage, but was lusting after him, his body and the way he used to treat her. Her and this guy would communicate through the phone or email. She also was telling me that her rel. was falling apart and she felt like she wanted to leave. She stated that she was at a point where she felt like she needed to be sexually pleased, needed to be told she was beautiful etc and her DH wasn't providing that.

I can say that I have been able to relate to some of the things that she said. I actually NEVER though about cheating on my DH though. It didn't even cross my mind.

Things for my BF have since looked up and they are expecting and happy again. She says that she is glad she never "cheated". IMO, she was cheating, only emotionally, as they would talk for hours while he was at work. I ask her why she didn't (because clearly women can cheat and a man never know) and she says that she doesn't know.

It was the first time in my life that I heard of a woman cheating on her husband/serious boyfriend.

So, here is my question to you ladies:
Have you ever cheated on a DH/DF/DB?

Did you have a reason behind it?

How did you end it? Why?

I think the phenomenon of women cheating is so taboo because we have the ability to bear the results of sex (pregnancy).

 

[dlewis]

Oh you changed your name!

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I try and change it every couple of weeks, lol!

 

[dlewis]

To answer the question, no I've never cheated. I never put myself in situations that could possibly lead to cheating. It's not worth it to me. My commitment to Gd and my marriage is greater than something like that.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I'm commited to being commited too. I think cheating is selfish and ugly and I know all too well what it feels like to be cheated on.

But, the reason I made this thread is because I USED to think that everyone who cheated was a bad person. My BF is clearly not. She made me see the other side of cheating where it wasn't just for sex. She then broke it down to me and was saying feeling like how we feel (cuz I was feeling the same way) is why many women do it... I think she really made sense.

 

[Loves Harmony]

Ive been married for two years. I never cheated and i dont think its worth it. I stay away from stuff that try to temp.

 

[MD_Lady]

To answer the question, no I've never cheated. I never put myself in situations that could possibly lead to cheating. It's not worth it to me. My commitment to Gd and my marriage is greater than something like that.

I just had to give you another for this post. I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[Loves Harmony]

I had an friend like that who was married and keep lil friends on the side. I think it selfish..... If hubby isnt doing the same things he used to at the beginning have a talk about it. How is one suppose to know how you feel if you dont communication?

 

[SleekandBouncy]

Okay, so a few weeks ago my BF told me that she was in love with another guy. Her DH (yes, they are married) had no idea. She SAYS she didn't sleep with him during the marriage, but was lusting after him, his body and the way he used to treat her. Her and this guy would communicate through the phone or email. She also was telling me that her rel. was falling apart and she felt like she wanted to leave. She stated that she was at a point where she felt like she needed to be sexually pleased, needed to be told she was beautiful etc and her DH wasn't providing that.

I can say that I have been able to relate to some of the things that she said. I actually NEVER though about cheating on my DH though. It didn't even cross my mind.

Things for my BF have since looked up and they are expecting and happy again. She says that she is glad she never "cheated". IMO, she was cheating, only emotionally, as they would talk for hours while he was at work. I ask her why she didn't (because clearly women can cheat and a man never know) and she says that she doesn't know.

It was the first time in my life that I heard of a woman cheating on her husband/serious boyfriend.

So, here is my question to you ladies:
Have you ever cheated on a DH/DF/DB?

Did you have a reason behind it?

How did you end it? Why?

I think the phenomenon of women cheating is so taboo because we have the ability to bear the results of sex (pregnancy).

I just want to chime in on the bolded because I see it so often in different ways even w/o cheating. She's happy she didn't sexually cheat because now they are happy again, well I think a lot more people would break through the bad to the good if we (esp. my generation) weren't so wimpy and lazy, but the first sign of hardship and we jump ship. We have no emotional fortitude. We're pleasure obsessed. Instant gratification culture. We don't ask how we contributed to the bad situation or how it can be made better. It's all just to stay magically and wonderfully happy and when it's not you chuck it like an old iPod by first emotionally disconnecting then putting yourself in tempting situations.

 

[NYAmicas]

It was the first time in my life that I heard of a woman cheating on her husband/serious boyfriend.

So, here is my question to you ladies:
Have you ever cheated on a DH/DF/DB? Nope, I try not to do things I wouldnt want done to me.

Did you have a reason behind it?

How did you end it? Why?

I think the phenomenon of women cheating is so taboo because we have the ability to bear the results of sex (pregnancy).

I do however have one friend that cheats on her on again off again fiance but she's always been wild and a free spirit. I ask her why and she says she doesnt know and the sex sucks in their relationship. For the most part I think women cheat due to emotional reasons while some men will do what's available and looks good. And to the bolded StankyLegs, a lot more married women cheat than some people think, smh.

 

[kandake]

I have never cheated. It doesn't even cross my mind. I'm a one man kind a gal.

 

[CandiceC]

I'm commited to being commited too. I think cheating is selfish and ugly and I know all too well what it feels like to be cheated on.

But, the reason I made this thread is because I USED to think that everyone who cheated was a bad person. My BF is clearly not. She made me see the other side of cheating where it wasn't just for sex. She then broke it down to me and was saying feeling like how we feel (cuz I was feeling the same way) is why many women do it... I think she really made sense.

I don't think everyone that cheats is a bad person. They are committing a bad action though, a sin.

You said your friend said she was in love with a man a few weeks ago? Did her feelings dissipate? Or was she just in love with the idea of him providing what was lacking in her marriage?

 

[Zaynab]

I'm commited to being commited too. I think cheating is selfish and ugly and I know all too well what it feels like to be cheated on.

But, the reason I made this thread is because I USED to think that everyone who cheated was a bad person. My BF is clearly not. She made me see the other side of cheating where it wasn't just for sex. She then broke it down to me and was saying feeling like how we feel (cuz I was feeling the same way) is why many women do it... I think she really made sense.

I had an emotional affair with a guy before. I was very swept up in it, VERY. Even looking back, it's amazing that I would do something like that because I abhor cheating and cheaters. That is why I say to me, emotional cheating is way worse than physical, it's because I know how it feels......Sharing your feelings, thoughts and emotions with someone is on a whole other level, it's way beyond sex. I don't even think I could explain it. Anyway, I was all caught up in it because I wasn't addressing the things I needed to address with dh. Men cheat for sex, women cheat for intimacy. It's very true.

 

[CandiceC]

I do however have one friend that cheats on her on again off again fiance but she's always been wild and a free spirit. I ask her why and she says she doesnt know and the sex sucks in their relationship. For the most part I think women cheat due to emotional reasons while some men will do what's available and looks good. And to the bolded StankyLegs, a lot more married women cheat than some people think, smh.

This is true. A lot of women don't get caught so it doesn't come out that way. And they don't talk about it to their close pals cause it's not as widely accepted for a woman to cheat as a man.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I know of a female who cheated on her husband, got married to the guy she cheated on him with, and then cheated on guy #2 with two different dudes. Don't know..ETA..I do know, the guys were younger, hotter, and wanted her and she was going through a mid-30's "I've gotta have sex" phase.

I've never cheated and don't think I have it in me to ever cheat. I don't think cheaters are bad people but there is some sort of imbalance going on in their mentality and emotions in the moment they put themselves in the position to cheat.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I don't think everyone that cheats is a bad person. They are committing a bad action though, a sin.

You said your friend said she was in love with a man a few weeks ago? Did her feelings dissipate? Or was she just in love with the idea of him providing what was lacking in her marriage?

To your question: I don't know. TBH, I feel embarassed asking her that. If it were my opinion, I think she was just in love of the idea of him providing what as lacking in her marriage. But, that's just an assumption and I don't know. She is one of those women who don't tel anything about her marriage. She only felt inclined to tell me because I am guessing it weighed on her heart and she honestly needed advice. Needless to say, I didn't have any to give, but my lending ear was enough. They actually seperated for 3 weeks. He still doesn't know.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I had an emotional affair with a guy before. I was very swept up in it, VERY. Even looking back, it's amazing that I would do something like that because I abhor cheating and cheaters. That is why I say to me, emotional cheating is way worse than physical, it's because I know how it feels......Sharing your feelings, thoughts and emotions with someone is on a whole other level, it's way beyond sex. I don't even think I could explain it. Anyway, I was all caught up in it because I wasn't addressing the things I needed to address with dh. Men cheat for sex, women cheat for intimacy. It's very true.

Wow!! How did this work out? Did you husband find out?

I went to lunch with a guy before, but it was completely innocent. Me, him and another female co-worker were supposed to go and she bailed out at the last minute. he and I also worked together at a previous job, so I knew him well. he never hit on me and he was married as well (although he would rarely wears his ring). I feel horrible about it and would never tell my DH because I don't think he is forgiving of those kind of things. Nothing happened, and all conversation was on the school children, I just feel bad that I did something that my DH would dissaprove of.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

I just want to chime in on the bolded because I see it so often in different ways even w/o cheating. She's happy she didn't sexually cheat because now they are happy again, well I think a lot more people would break through the bad to the good if we (esp. my generation) weren't so wimpy and lazy, but the first sign of hardship and we jump ship. We have no emotional fortitude. We're pleasure obsessed. Instant gratification culture. We don't ask how we contributed to the bad situation or how it can be made better. It's all just to stay magically and wonderfully happy and when it's not you chuck it like an old iPod by first emotionally disconnecting then putting yourself in tempting situations.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I haven't cheated before, but I've thought about it. It's usually if I feel like something's missing in the relationship

 

[Zaynab]

Wow!! How did this work out? Did you husband find out?

I went to lunch with a guy before, but it was completely innocent. Me, him and another female co-worker were supposed to go and she bailed out at the last minute. he and I also worked together at a previous job, so I knew him well. he never hit on me and he was married as well (although he would rarely wears his ring). I feel horrible about it and would never tell my DH because I don't think he is forgiving of those kind of things. Nothing happened, and all conversation was on the school children, I just feel bad that I did something that my DH would dissaprove of.

When I come in these threads to coach folks on marriage, and say I say I've been through it all in 10 years, I really mean it--it's part of our "stick-with-ness"

Yep, dh found out and he was very hurt about it. Beyond hurt. It didn't immediately make me want to cease with the relationship though, that is why I say giving your heart to someone is so different than a physical act.

Like Sleek said, we're a want it now society, we want new cars, new houses, we don't want to fix the old stuff that we have. I had to step back and really see what was important to me. Married women cheating happens ALOT, ALOT don't be surprised, it's not just men who cheat. Honestly, I'd say the number was just as high. I didn't take it there because frankly I didn't need sex, I got good sex from dh but we were emotionally disconnected and distant--that is why I'm a firm believer in keeping the lines of communication, activities, etc alive in a marriage. I think a couple needs to put themselves first, ALWAYS--it keeps all that outside static out

 

[Farida]

You see...nothing in life JUST HAPPENS...like people say when they cheat.

Some people say they cheat because their marriage wasn't happy at the time. Did they let their spouse know they were unhappy? Did they try counseling or anything else? Some people do, but many just go around like their spouse should magically know something's up. For all you know, your spouse is thinking it's your fault.

Anyway, also, I don't entertain thoughts. You can't control what comes into your mind, but you can control whether or not you entertain it. You don't stand in front of an ice cream cake saying, "I am not going to eat it." You go away, you do something.

I don't confide in men things that I don't tell DH. And I try to tell him what I discuss with other men if it all.

This is why I am not usually an advocate for close men-women friendships in a marriage. Not because I don't trust my man, but just because it so easy to get caught up and cross the less than bright lines.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

I think for a lot of women, the desire to want to hurt someone like you've been hurt is overwhelming.

When I was dating a guy for some years, and found out I was cheated on, I was deeply hurt. Hurt that for YEARS I gave this guy every part of my emotions and he could do a thing like that to me. I didn't cheat, but only because the opportunity never presented itself. But if the opportunity did arise, yes I would have cheated and no I don't feel bad for feeling that way.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

PS: I'm not being "faithful" ever again to a man that I'm not married to. No matter how serious we are. "Faithful" did nothing for me but allow me to waste some young, valuable years that I could have been using to find someone else.


My bad if I come off as bitter btw. But this last relationship was such an eye opener.

 

[TheseStankyLegs]

PS: I'm not being "faithful" ever again to a man that I'm not married to. No matter how serious we are. "Faithful" did nothing for me but allow me to waste some young, valuable years that I could have been using to find someone else.


My bad if I come off as bitter btw. But this last relationship was such an eye opener.

I TRULY understand.

 

[LookingandListening]

I just want to chime in on the bolded because I see it so often in different ways even w/o cheating. She's happy she didn't sexually cheat because now they are happy again, well I think a lot more people would break through the bad to the good if we (esp. my generation) weren't so wimpy and lazy, but the first sign of hardship and we jump ship. We have no emotional fortitude. We're pleasure obsessed. Instant gratification culture. We don't ask how we contributed to the bad situation or how it can be made better. It's all just to stay magically and wonderfully happy and when it's not you chuck it like an old iPod by first emotionally disconnecting then putting yourself in tempting situations.[/Q

Excellent post! Especially the bolded.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

I TRULY understand.

I used to get mad at older women for ever suggesting that I cheat on a 'SO' (not husband). But now here I am, years later with nothing but a broken heart and a few numbers added to my age, wishing that I had listened to them. They spoke the truth.


I'm not giving no man 100% of me, until he gives 100% of himself to me--> marriage. Point blank.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

It's one thing to stay aware of your options, but if marriage is the goal, is being open to cheating until the day you wed counterproductive? You could have a soon to be marriage situation going and then get busted on some past 'ish and have to start from 0 again. Plus, the higher the stakes the more likely ppl are to scrutinize potential mates and be careful in who they give their hearts to.

Isn't it possible to keep your options open without deception? If it gets to the point that you want to cheat you just leave.
Most of the men I've known to cheat until ring day cheated after marriage too.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

^I shouldn't have used the word "cheating," rather say that I am not going to remain MUTUAL to anyone outside of marriage. I don't plan on doing the serious, serious relationship thing (playing wifee) unless I get an engagement ring. Because at this point *IMHO,* a serious relationship outside of an engagement is a waste of time. I'm in my mid-twenties and I want to start a family soon (early 30s). I know my goal and I'm not going to let a man slow them down. I'm not down with putting in years. I'm going to date around. If you want to tie me down, put a ring on it.

I'm not into giving anyone the best years of my life while allowing him to get comfortable with a "serious relationship." I see this too much and I'm not okay with it.

I can understand if some may disagree, but as of now, 11:55pm ('cuz my opinions change like socks ), that's where I'm at.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

^I shouldn't have used the word "cheating," rather say that I am not going to remain MUTUAL to anyone outside of marriage. I don't plan on doing the serious, serious relationship thing (playing wifee) unless I get an engagement ring. Because at this point *IMHO,* a serious relationship outside of an engagement is a waste of time. I'm in my mid-twenties and I want to start a family soon (early 30s). I know my goal and I'm not going to let a man slow them down. I'm not down with putting in years. I'm going to date around. If you want to tie me down, put a ring on it.

I'm not into giving anyone the best years of my life while allowing him to get comfortable with a "serious relationship." I see this too much and I'm not okay with it.

I can understand if some may disagree, but as of now, 11:55pm ('cuz my opinions change like socks ), that's where I'm at.

That not unreasonable. You know what you want, you go after it, and as long you're not playing games with someone else or being deceptive then it's all good.

I'm sorry about how your relationship turned out. Don't let it get you down. Some men (and women...people period) have no regard for how their actions affect other people.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

That not unreasonable. You know what you want, you go after it, and as long you're not playing games with someone else or being deceptive then it's all good.

I'm sorry about how your relationship turned out. Don't let it get you down. Some men (and women...people period) have no regard for how their actions affect other people.

Oh yes. I do not plan on telling a man that he's the only one when he isn't. I also do not believe in sleeping with more than one man at a time (for *me*) either.

Althought I'm hurt about the relationship, I'm not sorry it turned out the way it did. I'm just glad I'm out before I put in anymore years trying to be nice Nancy while he was being ho-hopping-Hahn.