Wife...Girlfriend..All the same?

H

Helpmeblongagain

New Member
Hey Ladies!!

So, I always hear everyone mentioning how women should behave in certain roles...and I wanted to know what distinguishes one from the next because all too often the lines are blurred especially when considering a long term SO v. marriage....

I can only think of the obvious like maybe not living 2gether until marriage and not sharing finances.

Please share your thoughts. How should a gf behave as opposed to a wife?
 
I can only speak from my experiences. I never cooked or cleaned up after him when I was his gf. I didn't even do it when we moved in our house a month before the wedding. I didn't do anything that seemed 'wifely' until after we got married. That includes decorating, cooking, cleaning, picking out clothes, all of that stuff. Its been almost two years and I just started washing clothes together. We've not even combined our finances yet. We had already had relations :look: so I wanted to have a fresh start with everything else. Its a fine line, but these were my personal rules and thoughts.
 
The one thing we did not do is combine finances. We are about to open a joint checking account, but we're still keeping our personal accounts.

I didn't clean up after him either, but I don't do that now. LMAO j/k we clean together.
 
Helpmeblongagain said:
hmmmm...I'm really surprised there aren't more responses...
Click to expand...

I had to think about it for a sec... but I agree with DarkHair and LisaLisa.

I have cooked when my boyfriend has come to visit, but he also cooks for me. And he's not there very often, so it's not like this is a regular deal for him.

I'd never do any laundry, NEVER combine finances, never clean up after him at his place, etc.

I did sew a button on for him when one fell off though. :lol: But you get the idea. :yep:
 
It varies for different couples, but I guess I would have to say it's just something you would have to experience to really know and feel the difference. It is different.

Before we got married, nothing was finite. He could be dismissed with a quickness and so could I. If I got pissed off at him, I could go to my house and tell him to stay the heck away from me. Marriage is just a totally different ballgame- you become one (well,are supposed to).

Although the roles we played prior to marriage were different, with marriage there are fewer boundaries, meaning we do what it takes to make the other happy. Before, when I was just a gf or he was just a bf, there were things we didn't do because he wasn't the husband or I wasn't the wife. What those things are vary from couple to couple.

I'll just name some examples of the role difference prior to marriage:

1) he wasn't paying all my bills. Now he does, I can't tell you the last time I paid a bill. My money is reserved for keeping our home and our children - that's it.

2)i cooked for him when I felt like it- now I cook waaaay more. I like having him a hot meal when he gets home from work, something about keeping your man in a clean home with good food- before marriage that stuff wasn't my concern cuz he wasn't my husband

3) sexually- there were things that i wouldn't even consider :nono::nono:, when we got married I let go most of my inhibitions.... unfortunately I wasn't a virgin when we got married, but there are things he can say I only experienced with him.
eta: in marriage, sex becomes a truly divine experience. pre-marriage (for me anyway) there was always this since of fornication & despite how good it felt in the moment, I always had some guilt about pre-marital sex.

4) there are certain things I don't wear (publically anyway):giggle: and certain places he doesn't go out of respect for me - I say, since we are one- don't take yourself anywhere you wouldn't want me to be

5) so many other things that just begin to come natural once you allow yourself to become dependent on your husband that just ain't so in non-married relationships. & vice versa. I don't kill bugs anymore, nor do I lift heavy objects, worry about making ends meet, have to deal with mechanics, and so on and so forth. He did some of this stuff for me some of the time before marriage, but now I know he is mine and there's nothing off limits. Now things are finite and it feels good. The main thing is the sense of true committment & intimacy - that isn't there with just a boyfriend.

HTH and makes sense.
 
Last edited:
One thing that I did with my ex that I will NEVER do again is play hostess when he entertains his family. Standing in the kitchen washing dishes at the end of the night while everyone else lounges? PUHLEEZE! I don't know whose crack I was smoking.
 
I don't think girlfriends should live, combine finances, clean, have sex, pay bills for their significant others. Buying a gift for the guy for special occasions is fine. There are many on this board that may disagree, but if you're doing all of the above, you may as well be married.

I did some of the aforementioned and I am still unmarried, with no prospects. Everyone is different. Some do everything and probably even more, and get married.
 
Katt73 said:
One thing that I did with my ex that I will NEVER do again is play hostess when he entertains his family. Standing in the kitchen washing dishes at the end of the night while everyone else lounges? PUHLEEZE! I don't know whose crack I was smoking.
Click to expand...

Hahaha! Yea really I know what you mean! I've done this before in order to try to make a "good impession" and I said never again!
I don't know...it would just feel weird for me to do this. I almost feel like the man should be trying to impress me and make a good impression on MY family, not the other way around. I mean I'm still going to put my best foot forward (of course), but cooking & cleaning for him and his family? oh heck no!

This reminds me... One of my guy friends threw a nice anniversary party for his parents over his house a couple of months ago, and at the end of the night I saw his girlfriend in the kitchen washing dishes, cleaning counters, and sweeping the floors while he and his family & friends just sat around! :shocked: I was SMH in my mind and told myself that I would not be doing that kind of "domestic" stuff for a guy that I'm only dating. Call me mean or whatever but I just didn't get a good vibe when I saw her doing that. It looked like she was trying too hard or something. Well, they are still together as of now, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if they will actually get married? If they do, I guess those WMLB and WMMB books are dead wrong then! :lol:
 
Last edited:
asuperwoman said:
He could be dismissed with a quickness and so could I. If I got pissed off at him, I could go to my house and tell him to stay the heck away from me.
Click to expand...

So strange you said you said this, because that is what just happened between me and my SO of 6 years. We just had a fight an hour ago, and I ordered him out, shut my apartment door in his face, and then jumped back in the shower, washed out my protein treatment, and went about slathering my deep conditioner on my head. He presumably went back to his own place to nurse his wounds.

I popped a DVD in the player, which I'm now watching, and just enjoying the feeling of escaping after a long day and closing the book, if only for tonight, on our mini-drama.

I've never been married, but I feel that once you are married, it is harder to keep that mental, emotional, and physical space separated from your partner. This is one of the reasons I am still relishing not being married :grin:. (which he has been after me to do for most of these 6 years). I cherish the feeling of solitude and doing what replenishes me, and physical distance helps.

Of course, maybe I only relish that distance because I already have a very close relationship (so the little bit of distance feels rejuvenating). Frequent but SMALL/MINOR fights feel rejuvenating, too; I feel like the friction refreshes us and makes us appreciate each other more.

Finances are strictly, strictly separate. I even prefer it when we each pay for ourselves when we pop into the takeout place or burger joint. I don't think I'll feel comfortable combining them when we get married because I have lived so many years (before and after meeting him) with my money as my own domain. We still offer to pay for each other's meals occasionally, as a courtesy to the other.

I feel basically that with partnership, we have more emotional and mental options than if we were living under the same roof and bound by law.
 
Oh, and we each cook for each other. First time I cooked for him was probably 6 months into the r'ship. He started within the first few weeks (made me fish stew-- YUM). I used to cook for him more a few years ago, but it quickly became apparent that his self-taught cooking technique made my years of gourmet cookbook perusing look like chopped liver. The man has the touch of God with food. Now he cooks in the mornings, goes to work with it, and then, on the way home from work, stops by my place and heats it up so we can enjoy it together for dinner.

I offer to cook, but he bluntly admitted, "I think I've become the better cook than you."

Cleaning--- I don't even think he'd let me clean. He loves to clean and is a natural neat-freak. Whenever he comes over, he empties the trash, washes the dishes piled in the sink, sweeps, scrubs the bathtub, etc, while I go about my business on the internet or working on work projects, etc. He often asks me to gather my laundry and then he takes them with him, drops them off at the laundromat near his work, and returns them fresh, clean, and neatly folded.
 
I was his girlfriend for 6 months before i became his wife.. and that was 16 years ago!! I told him that if he wanted me to act like a wife, then he would have to marry me. I was NOT ABOUT to be stuck in a long term relationship with a man who had no intention on marrying me after i went along and played house with and for him. No sex, No cooking, No cleaning, nothing except him trying to convince me that he was the one. He married me with a quickness ( 20 days after he proposed).. and GOD took care of the rest thankfully!
 
I never really got the whole wifely "duties" thing. I always thought the 2 people in the relationship defined responsibilities and expectations as far as cooking, cleaning etc goes.

I think the only hard fast rules should be regarding money because thats where the serious problems come in, no joint accounts, using each other credit or making large purchases together.
 
I drew the line at living together, sharing finances/property, and having children. I don't do his laundry now (because of how we divide our chores) or tidy up after him all that much (he's not that messy and confines most of his mess to his man cave) and, while I would have helped him do these things for himself as my SO, I most definitely would not have taken the lead when we were dating.
 
Things I did as a girlfriend -

- I made sure I didn't disrespect him in the way that I dressed, act, or carried myself while alone. (i.e. dressing like a slut, getting skunky drunk around whomever...etc.)

- I made sure he was aware of my ambitions in life, which will ultimately affect his future as my husband.

- I got to know his family very well.

(Im sure there are more things I can add here...)

As his wife...

- I cook for him.

- we combine our finances so that we can better our future for us and our children.

- since dressing like a slutbucket outside is a no-no...I do that at home!

- I am his partner...his right hand. If he needs me, I am there...no questions asked.

- Lastly....and more importantly... I respect him as head of household. It took me a while to understand that. Now that I do, things have fell into place in a way that I couldn't even imagine.
 
I notice a few of u mentioned not cooking for your man until he became ur husband...is this a bad thing 2 do? It really is something I struggle with because I love to cook...so cooking for me is not a chore and I'm naturally nurturing...do you all suggest that I keep my Susie homemaker tendencies 2 a minimum?
 
Last edited:
Helpmeblongagain, I believe that rigidly following one-size fits gender and r'ship roles are a recipe for heartache. I have seen it in several relationships, many of them from church friends and Christian pen pals who are hurting because they were tained up so zealously to adhere to a "paint-by-your-genitals" paradigm.

Case in point: one woman grew up hearing in her church that husbands had to be the partner who attended to the finances in the household, and that he should have the final say in any major decisions of the household. She kept trying doggedly to follow this, even though time and and again, husband would demonstrate how deeply lacking his business sense and finance-keeping skills were. Meanwhile--I am not making this up--she had been a book-keeper for a small store for a few years before marriage and knew her way around a checkbook and budget log like nobody's business.

Because they kept being indoctrinated in the above rigid paradigm, she bit her lip and stepped aside to allow him to fumble his way through the job. He messed up their finances big-time, and her child is going without, and the family is in debt...because she had been trained that she was not supposed to step in and make him feel less of "a man" in that arena.

My only "rule" is this: if you are looking for a long-term partnership (whether marriage or not), once you know you the relationship will be one that gets to that point, the partners should each use their skills and talents in service of the union.

It's that simple.

So, as above: This woman's skills and talents lay in financial management. She should have used them to benefit her partnership, end of story. She should not be told that her skills had to lie dormant because of the type of genitals she was born with.

And as with me and my love: I am book-smart, business-smart, and know my way around the byzantine laws and regulations of this country. He is a good and efficient cook, a good cleaner/domestic worker, and a fix-it person. So, I help him with all of his major financial decisions, I help him fill out job applications, I help him defend his parking tickets. He keeps hot delicious food on the table and keeps my apartment from falling into a health hazardous zone when he visits me.

Our behavior is not dependent on which genitals we were born with, but on our natural abilities and desire to use them to the benefit of our partnership.

If you are a good cook and love to cook, that's cool, so long as (a) he is reciprocating with his OWN skills and talents, and (b) he is not neglecting you emotionally or romantically or mentally but then expecting food in his belly, and (c) you have already developed a solid enough relationship that you both mutually agree could be a long-term one.
 
Last edited:
Helpmeblongagain said:
I notice a few of u mentioned not cooking for your man until he became ur husband...is this a bad thing 2 do? It really is something I struggle with because I love to cook...so cooking for me is not a chore and I'm naturally nurturing...do you all suggest that I keep my Susie homemaker tendencies 2 a minimum?
Click to expand...

I cooked for my DH from the beginning because I enjoyed knowing that he had a healthy meal to eat. We both took turns cooking for each other. It seemed natural.

I broke a lot of the rules listed here. I did laundry, cleaned up his place if I was staying more than a few days, etc. However, I am a firm believer in not paying his bills or for our dates unless its his b-day. The key to my behavior not backfiring on me is having a man who appreciates all that you do for him. A man who doesn't demand "wifely" duties and finds value in your actions. It worked for us and we are happily married.

Being a wife and girlfriend are two different things in my book. No matter how long you play the roll.
 
meecee said:
I cooked for my DH from the beginning because I enjoyed knowing that he had a healthy meal to eat. We both took turns cooking for each other. It seemed natural.

I broke a lot of the rules listed here. I did laundry, cleaned up his place if I was staying more than a few days, etc. However, I am a firm believer in not paying his bills or for our dates unless its his b-day. The key to my behavior not backfiring on me is having a man who appreciates all that you do for him. A man who doesn't demand "wifely" duties and finds value in your actions. It worked for us and we are happily married.

Being a wife and girlfriend are two different things in my book. No matter how long you play the roll.
Click to expand...
Thats kind of what's happening with me and my new bf...he does cook for me too. I really wanted some feedback bcuz this relationship is so new, but it is the most natural feeling one I've been in and I want 2 carefully calculate my steps as to not play house.

ITA with the bolded...I think they are very different...its just I see the lines being blurred all the time...especially after a few yrs.
 
Helpmeblongagain said:
[/B]
Thats kind of what's happening with me and my new bf...he does cook for me too. I really wanted some feedback bcuz this relationship is so new, but it is the most natural feeling one I've been in and I want 2 carefully calculate my steps as to not play house.

ITA with the bolded...I think they are very different...its just I see the lines being blurred all the time...especially after a few yrs.
Click to expand...

Its very easy for lines to blur. The number one thing we both communicated early was our intent to marry. He let me know early on that he could see us being married (5-6 months into dating). I let him know after that first year that I didn't believe in extra long engagements or dating for years on end with no marriage in sight. If both people are honest, there should be no hurt feelings involved.

If you want to be a man's wife let him know. If he feels the same way about you he'll make it happen. If you enjoy your freedom and don't want to be married, thats cool too.
 
What I won't do:
cook him meals regularly
clean his place
combine finances/use my finances on him outside of special occasions
live with
have sex/sexual behavior
consider him in my life choices (I make it clear that if you plan to be in my future it will be as a husband and not a longterm boyfriend, boyfriends do not have rights)
give him most of my time
 
I think all too often girfriends try to do what they perceive as wifely duties so they can show/demonstrate to the SO that they will be a good wife. Not all GFs do this but a lot do.
 
MoniintheMiddle said:
I think all too often girfriends try to do what they perceive as wifely duties so they can show/demonstrate to the SO that they will be a good wife. Not all GFs do this but a lot do.
Click to expand...

I completely agree...and thats my reason 4 this thread 2 make sure Im not doing any wifely duties...2 learn 2 draw the line.
 
This is a good topic, OP. :yep: I know that with my ex I performend waaaaaaaaaay too many wifely duties for him regularly. :nono: It makes me sick just thinking about how foolish I was. Cooking for him, grocery shopping, buying him clothes/shoes, cleaning HIS house, decorating HIS house, running errands for him. :nono: Never again. I will never play wife to a man who doesn't give me a commitment.

With my new guy I don't do many "wifely" duties for him on the regular. I can only think of one. :look: Everything else I have held off on doing. We have cooked together, but it's not just me standing in the kitchen cooking by myself. :nono: Sometimes I really have to resist the urge to do the things I did for my ex. He can be pretty messy and sometimes I would just love to clean his room/bathroom, but I leave it alone. :lol:

IMO it's okay to maybe do SOME of those things occasionally as a girlfriend, but you should never be doing any of that regularly without a ring.
 
asuperwoman said:
It varies for different couples, but I guess I would have to say it's just something you would have to experience to really know and feel the difference. It is different.

Before we got married, nothing was finite. He could be dismissed with a quickness and so could I. If I got pissed off at him, I could go to my house and tell him to stay the heck away from me. Marriage is just a totally different ballgame- you become one (well,are supposed to).

Although the roles we played prior to marriage were different, with marriage there are fewer boundaries, meaning we do what it takes to make the other happy. Before, when I was just a gf or he was just a bf, there were things we didn't do because he wasn't the husband or I wasn't the wife. What those things are vary from couple to couple.

I'll just name some examples of the role difference prior to marriage:

1) he wasn't paying all my bills. Now he does, I can't tell you the last time I paid a bill. My money is reserved for keeping our home and our children - that's it.

2)i cooked for him when I felt like it- now I cook waaaay more. I like having him a hot meal when he gets home from work, something about keeping your man in a clean home with good food- before marriage that stuff wasn't my concern cuz he wasn't my husband

3) sexually- there were things that i wouldn't even consider :nono::nono:, when we got married I let go most of my inhibitions.... unfortunately I wasn't a virgin when we got married, but there are things he can say I only experienced with him.
eta: in marriage, sex becomes a truly divine experience. pre-marriage (for me anyway) there was always this since of fornication & despite how good it felt in the moment, I always had some guilt about pre-marital sex.

4) there are certain things I don't wear (publically anyway):giggle: and certain places he doesn't go out of respect for me - I say, since we are one- don't take yourself anywhere you wouldn't want me to be

5) so many other things that just begin to come natural once you allow yourself to become dependent on your husband that just ain't so in non-married relationships. & vice versa. I don't kill bugs anymore, nor do I lift heavy objects, worry about making ends meet, have to deal with mechanics, and so on and so forth. He did some of this stuff for me some of the time before marriage, but now I know he is mine and there's nothing off limits. Now things are finite and it feels good. The main thing is the sense of true committment & intimacy - that isn't there with just a boyfriend.

HTH and makes sense.
Click to expand...


ITA. Couldn't have said it better.
 
YankeeCandle said:
So strange you said you said this, because that is what just happened between me and my SO of 6 years. We just had a fight an hour ago, and I ordered him out, shut my apartment door in his face, and then jumped back in the shower, washed out my protein treatment, and went about slathering my deep conditioner on my head. He presumably went back to his own place to nurse his wounds.

I popped a DVD in the player, which I'm now watching, and just enjoying the feeling of escaping after a long day and closing the book, if only for tonight, on our mini-drama.

I've never been married, but I feel that once you are married, it is harder to keep that mental, emotional, and physical space separated from your partner. This is one of the reasons I am still relishing not being married :grin:. (which he has been after me to do for most of these 6 years). I cherish the feeling of solitude and doing what replenishes me, and physical distance helps.

Of course, maybe I only relish that distance because I already have a very close relationship (so the little bit of distance feels rejuvenating). Frequent but SMALL/MINOR fights feel rejuvenating, too; I feel like the friction refreshes us and makes us appreciate each other more.

Finances are strictly, strictly separate. I even prefer it when we each pay for ourselves when we pop into the takeout place or burger joint. I don't think I'll feel comfortable combining them when we get married because I have lived so many years (before and after meeting him) with my money as my own domain. We still offer to pay for each other's meals occasionally, as a courtesy to the other.

I feel basically that with partnership, we have more emotional and mental options than if we were living under the same roof and bound by law.
Click to expand...


I totally understand what you're saying, I get my space in other ways. And, this space you speak of is something I clung too prior to finally marrying my dh. We were together 6 years prior to marriage. If you ever decide to get married, you'll know when you're ready.

Your first paragraph reminds me so much of us prior to marriage. It's kinda funny. We'd go to our seperate places and keep it moving until we were ready to deal with each other again.
 
When we were dating I would not:

live with him
sleep over at his place
cook him meals regularly
clean his place
run his errands (drop off mail, pick up dry cleaning)
do his laundry
grocery shop for him
allow him to leave things at my place or give him a drawer
combine finances
spend money on him (except Valentine's Day, his birthday & Christmas)
consider him in my life choices
give him all of my time (I dated others until HE asked to be exclusive)

As his wife I do all of those things except combine finances (our personal choice) laundry & doing the floors (carpet & tile) since those are on his chore list.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

S
The Science of a Happy Marriage
Replies
6
Views
342
onyxdreams
O
TrulyBlessed
Article: Being Single (long)
Replies
1
Views
126
Softresses
Softresses
Layluh
The Good Wife: Meet The Women Who Married Gay Men
Replies
29
Views
928
blue_flower
blue_flower
envybeauty
What MEN actually SAY about relationships...
2
Replies
38
Views
1K
Syrah
S
maxineshaw
Did this preacher give him the correct advice? and debating God's law
Replies
7
Views
2K
mscocoface
mscocoface
Back
Top