Why Is Marriage Looked Down Upon

[BeeMine14]

hello ladies,

I am wondering why are marriages looked down upon these days? Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 4 years and we have been thinking about engagement. He is active duty in the military and have been in for almost a year now. Every time I mention something to someone about engagement and marriage they give me the death stare and act as if it is the end of the world.

I do understand that marriage is not as sacred as it used to be, but if two people genuinely love each other they should be able to get married. Lots of my older coworkers always tell me "oh no, get your running shoes. Don't do it. Don't waste your time" and it angers me because I'm thinking just because it didn't work out In your life doesn't mean that it won't work in mine. There are still quite a few people who get married and stay married til death does them part.

 

[JFemme]

Live your one life...

Why are you concerned with others opinions, responses.....

If its right for you and your beloved...get to the altar...

 

[DrC]

I hate when people do that. Just because their marriages failed does not mean they have to knock marriage in general.

 

[RocStar]

Marriage is not looked down upon by everyone. Maybe some are discouraged because of the 50% divorce rate. You need to just do you.

 

[cookiemonster287]

Yeah a lot of people these days are into statistics and automatically think since marriages seem to fail then there's no point.

I don't think it's looked down on, but it's not taken as seriously anymore (creating more divorce), and a lot of people don't truly understand it.

I told an acquaintance I was getting married and she literally said, "aww that's cute y'all are getting married, people don't do that anymore". She's 21.

 

[LiftedUp]

I probably give a lot of people that look lol.

I think a lot of people get married because they're "in love" but have nothing in place for the marriage, building a life etc. Or I just think that they're too young.

I wear my expressions on my face so...

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Those people are just jealous. Women are running around doing anything just to get a price of a man. Get married and let the haters keep hating.

 

[hopeful]

Agree with Gin&Tonic. Get married and enjoy your life. Watch how much respect you will get, how many questions you will be asked, etc. Many of those people are just scared and disappointed and of course they can't say that so they try to come at you from a position of strength. Also try to widen your social circle, almost everyone I know believes in and supports marriage. Those people are whack.

 

[BeeMine14]

Thanks ladies for your responses. When I say 'look down on' I'm meaning unsupportive. It was always a thought that was just in the back of my mind. I honestly don't care what others think. And my SO is from a very solid, stable family that has very strong morals and values that I adore and we both are in agreement to build a strong foundation for ourselves and for children in the future.

 

[Lucie]

Being divorced, I can see why it would make a person feel jaded. Divorce takes a lot out of you and is comparable to death. However, one bad experience does not mean it will be repeated and that what another couple has will not make it. I love love. I love people in love. And if people are discouraging you from getting married, consider the source. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's sort of like love. People say that love hurts. That is wrong. It's a person's actions that hurts. Love cannot be anything but what it is.

If you and your SO feel your love should take the next step, and you know he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (and vice-versa) than go on and walk down that aisle!

 

[Lisawantslonghair]

Just get married and don't listen to those people. Usually when women have been in bad relationships they have the idea that all men are bad and can't handle to see a women who appears to be happy in her relationship. I've been married for almost 17 years and there are still people who seem to think it is just a matter of time before my marriage fails. To people like that it doesn't matter that my husband and I are happy together, it is all about their negative outlook on marriage and life in general. Follow your heart and be happy!

 

[Maguerite]

Follow your heart. Marriage is a risk, But heck lots of things are about taking chances. There are a lot of people (usually single) slamming marriage nowadays and they make statements along the lines of 'all my friend/ co-workers/ relatives are divorced or miserable. Fair enough but have they checked out the miserable singles out there?
Bottom line- You can be happy or unhappy in any kind relationship: married/co-habiting/ 'seeing each other'/etc.
Marriage does have benefits including protecting spousal rights in case of sickness, death, divorce and so on. These things are easy to find out.

Sent from my iPhone

 

[okange76]

Unfortunately, many married people do not take their vows seriously. They do stay married but are serial adulterers or engage in non convential sexual practices with multiple people. It can be disheartening as a single woman when majority of the men who are willing to pursue you and "treat you right" are married. They will comfortably want to "court you" while knowingly wasting your time.

People are also afraid of feeling trapped. It's like once you get married you lose your sense of self. Marriage should not be a prison. It doesn't mean that you have to spend every waking moment together, can't see your friends or take time away from the kids or each other. You are still a person with individual needs and wants who just happens to be married. All it takes is plenty of communication, planning and a willing partner and you can make it work. It may take awhile to work out the kinks but in the end it will be worth it. I'm not married but I have heard the above from couples who are making it work and have been married for umpteen years.

If marriage is something the both of you believe in and want, go for it. Focus on living your life how you see fit and see this as a teachable moment. When you are married, do not share any info about your marriage with anyone unless you trust them with your life. Keep your ship tight and you'll be alright.

 

[ambergirl]

I think Januarynoir said it best in another thread. A lot of people get married for the wrong reasons and then wonder why they're struggling...that's probably where that attitude is coming from.

But if that's not your situation, then I would just ignore these folks. They probably think they're being helpful, but they're not.

 

[Fine 4s]

Follow your heart. Marriage is a risk, But heck lots of things are about taking chances. There are a lot of people (usually single) slamming marriage nowadays and they make statements along the lines of 'all my friend/ co-workers/ relatives are divorced or miserable. Fair enough but have they checked out the miserable singles out there?
Bottom line- You can be happy or unhappy in any kind relationship: married/co-habiting/ 'seeing each other'/etc.
Marriage does have benefits including protecting spousal rights in case of sickness, death, divorce and so on. These things are easy to find out.

Sent from my iPhone

Good point. What ARE the benefits of marriage?
Can't the ones listed be achieved through a legal document like a will without being married? Or can these only occur with a marriage license?

 

[kxlot79]

I think the people who disavow marriage don't necessarily do so out of spite/jealousy/bitterness/hatefulness etc. I think that a lot of people just don't understand marriage in the modern world. It IS a rather archaic institution, but like another poster mentioned, strictly from a practical stance, it offers a lot of protections and assistance for building a life with someone else.
Some people don't understand that marriage is a lot simpler than getting a power of attorney, writing up a living will, and drafting half a dozen other legal documents that would offer similar rights and protections.
I think they're just hung up on the religion of marriage and presumed hypocrisy of people who believe in a religious marriage.
I say that if both parties share the same values and commitment, their relationship will be a good one, whether it's married or not.
A lot of people get enamored with (& sidetracked by) a WEDDING or perceived social perks of being married instead of actually preparing to fully commit to marriage or be a proper spouse. Like any other venture, such half-cocked attitudes yield the least desirable results. Pure intentions usually have pure outcomes.

via LHCF App

 

[FlyyBohemian]

To the OP, not everyone has the best intentions for you. There are a lot of jaded and miserable folks that spew out a lot of negativity. Misery loves company. I wish you and your boyfriend the best.

 

[BeeMine14]

Being divorced, I can see why it would make a person feel jaded. Divorce takes a lot out of you and is comparable to death. However, one bad experience does not mean it will be repeated and that what another couple has will not make it. I love love. I love people in love. And if people are discouraging you from getting married, consider the source. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's sort of like love. People say that love hurts. That is wrong. It's a person's actions that hurts. Love cannot be anything but what it is.

If you and your SO feel your love should take the next step, and you know he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (and vice-versa) than go on and walk down that aisle!

thanks for your response. I can see why many people think this way

 

[BeeMine14]

Just get married and don't listen to those people. Usually when women have been in bad relationships they have the idea that all men are bad and can't handle to see a women who appears to be happy in her relationship. I've been married for almost 17 years and there are still people who seem to think it is just a matter of time before my marriage fails. To people like that it doesn't matter that my husband and I are happy together, it is all about their negative outlook on marriage and life in general. Follow your heart and be happy!

I will thanks for responding

 

[BeeMine14]

Follow your heart. Marriage is a risk, But heck lots of things are about taking chances. There are a lot of people (usually single) slamming marriage nowadays and they make statements along the lines of 'all my friend/ co-workers/ relatives are divorced or miserable. Fair enough but have they checked out the miserable singles out there?
Bottom line- You can be happy or unhappy in any kind relationship: married/co-habiting/ 'seeing each other'/etc.
Marriage does have benefits including protecting spousal rights in case of sickness, death, divorce and so on. These things are easy to find out.

Sent from my iPhone

They say misery loves company. But that is very true you can be happy or unhappy in any relationship Thanks for responding

 

[BeeMine14]

Unfortunately, many married people do not take their vows seriously. They do stay married but are serial adulterers or engage in non convential sexual practices with multiple people. It can be disheartening as a single woman when majority of the men who are willing to pursue you and "treat you right" are married. They will comfortably want to "court you" while knowingly wasting your time.

People are also afraid of feeling trapped. It's like once you get married you lose your sense of self. Marriage should not be a prison. It doesn't mean that you have to spend every waking moment together, can't see your friends or take time away from the kids or each other. You are still a person with individual needs and wants who just happens to be married. All it takes is plenty of communication, planning and a willing partner and you can make it work. It may take awhile to work out the kinks but in the end it will be worth it. I'm not married but I have heard the above from couples who are making it work and have been married for umpteen years.

If marriage is something the both of you believe in and want, go for it. Focus on living your life how you see fit and see this as a teachable moment. When you are married, do not share any info about your marriage with anyone unless you trust them with your life. Keep your ship tight and you'll be alright.

Me and my love value marriage very strongly and it is something that is very sacred to us. I've been considering premarital counseling once we are engaged what are your opinions on that

 

[okange76]

Me and my love value marriage very strongly and it is something that is very sacred to us. I've been considering premarital counseling once we are engaged what are your opinions on that

I am a big believer in counseling. This is where you get to ask and answer the tough questions with a neutral party/moderator. You will definitely get your feelings hurt but better you know now than later. I believe in mixing both religious (depending on your beliefs) and non religious based counseling.

Religious - Very important especially on how you both want to raise your children, your interaction with each other, boundaries as a married couple, your roles as both a man and a woman in the home, respect for each other etc

Non Religious - Very important especially on how you will conduct your finances, spending habits, investing, long term financial goals, etc

The counselor may have a list of questions that both of you haven't even thought about. If you are not a believer, you can also find a counselor that combines both in a secular setting. Ask for references to weed out the whack jobs.

Another thing is to read Marriage books together and have a candid discussion. Look in the Marriage threads. Plenty of resources listed. I am single and have spent alot of time reading those threads. I have also been around alot of happily married people who have been married 20+ years in my family.

Last and not least, ask for advice from people you trust. Be prepared for the good, the bad and the really ugly. Ask married people you trust who will tell you truth. It will be easy to tell those who are genuine from those who are fronting.

As you make your bed of roses, you will encounter plenty of thorns along the way. Communicate, communicate, communicate, plan, plan, plan, and most of all choose a willing and respectful partner who wants this marriage just as much as you do.

My parents have been married for 42 years and it's been a rough ride and they wouldn't have it any other way. There were times when my siblings and I wondered if they'd make it but they have. They are still besotted with each other to this day. They drive us nuts when one is not around and the other one is lonely.

Put in the pre-work, plan the wedding and then enjoy working on your marriage. Ignore the nay sayers and enjoy your life. You only live once.

I created the thread below. It has some really good advice. Pick and choose what you deem important.

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=679725

 

[sunnydaze]

While I am divorced, I know marriage is a good thing when its right and you both are on the same page and committed to making it work.

If 50% of people get divorced, that makes 50% do not..so make your union part of the lasting 50%

 

[gabulldawg]

A lot of times it's sour grapes. The majority of people like this don't exactly have a line of suitors waiting on bended knee. They may also come from broken homes and cannot imagine anyone having a good marriage.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Change your circle of friends. Marriage is not looked down upon by anyone in my circle and I have yet to hear any family member express such thoughts. If marriage was not respected there would not be Supreme Court decisions due to LGBT people fighting for the right. Many people respect marriage and want to be married.

Are the people that are being negative military? I ask because I've always heard a lot of military men/women cheat. I personally have a cousin-in-law who was cheating on their active duty spouse and ended up married into my family. I've heard of that happening a lot with military people, cheating while the spouse is deployed or in the field for training for weeks at a time.

 

[BeeMine14]

Change your circle of friends. Marriage is not looked down upon by anyone in my circle and I have yet to hear any family member express such thoughts. If marriage was not respected there would not be Supreme Court decisions due to LGBT people fighting for the right. Many people respect marriage and want to be married.

Are the people that are being negative military? I ask because I've always heard a lot of military men/women cheat. I personally have a cousin-in-law who was cheating on their active duty spouse and ended up married into my family. I've heard of that happening a lot with military people, cheating while the spouse is deployed or in the field for training for weeks at a time.

Thanks for your response but I didn't say it was my friends that were being negative but it was my older coworkers. And my boyfriend is in the military and we have been doing great. Lines of communication are open and we discuss everything so cheating is out of the loop for this.

 

[BeeMine14]

I am a big believer in counseling. This is where you get to ask and answer the tough questions with a neutral party/moderator. You will definitely get your feelings hurt but better you know now than later. I believe in mixing both religious (depending on your beliefs) and non religious based counseling.

Religious - Very important especially on how you both want to raise your children, your interaction with each other, boundaries as a married couple, your roles as both a man and a woman in the home, respect for each other etc

Non Religious - Very important especially on how you will conduct your finances, spending habits, investing, long term financial goals, etc

The counselor may have a list of questions that both of you haven't even thought about. If you are not a believer, you can also find a counselor that combines both in a secular setting. Ask for references to weed out the whack jobs.

Another thing is to read Marriage books together and have a candid discussion. Look in the Marriage threads. Plenty of resources listed. I am single and have spent alot of time reading those threads. I have also been around alot of happily married people who have been married 20+ years in my family.

Last and not least, ask for advice from people you trust. Be prepared for the good, the bad and the really ugly. Ask married people you trust who will tell you truth. It will be easy to tell those who are genuine from those who are fronting.

As you make your bed of roses, you will encounter plenty of thorns along the way. Communicate, communicate, communicate, plan, plan, plan, and most of all choose a willing and respectful partner who wants this marriage just as much as you do.

My parents have been married for 42 years and it's been a rough ride and they wouldn't have it any other way. There were times when my siblings and I wondered if they'd make it but they have. They are still besotted with each other to this day. They drive us nuts when one is not around and the other one is lonely.

Put in the pre-work, plan the wedding and then enjoy working on your marriage. Ignore the nay sayers and enjoy your life. You only live once.

I created the thread below. It has some really good advice. Pick and choose what you deem important.

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=679725

Thank you yes we are Christian believers and we will base things off of religion. Counseling together will be kind of hard since he is overseas but we can get something worked out.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

BeeMine14

Your post asked why marriage is looked down upon and as examples it appeared that your older coworkers were part of a trend you've noticed.

If in fact it's only some of your older coworkers that are giving you this impression, it would probably serve you better to ask their opinions directly rather than seeking opinions here since nobody knows them except you.

In general, marriage is not looked down upon. People have been fighting for the right to marry since at least Loving v. Virginia (Black and White couples weren't able to marry).

Thanks for your response but I didn't say it was my friends that were being negative but it was my older coworkers. And my boyfriend is in the military and we have been doing great. Lines of communication are open and we discuss everything so cheating is out of the loop for this.

 

[BeeMine14]

BeeMine14

Your post asked why marriage is looked down upon and as examples it appeared that your older coworkers were part of a trend you've noticed.

If in fact it's only some of your older coworkers that are giving you this impression, it would probably serve you better to ask their opinions directly rather than seeking opinions here since nobody knows them except you.

In general, marriage is not looked down upon. People have been fighting for the right to marry since at least Loving v. Virginia (Black and White couples weren't able to marry).

Which is weird because I ask why and they just say because its a headache and it brings too many problems.

 

[hopeful]

Which is weird because I ask why and they just say because its a headache and it brings too many problems.

Like I said earlier, people aren't going to be that introspective or honest. They are not going to say that they feel that way because they are jaded, negative, afraid, deeply disappointed, etc. but since you are now saying it's only this small handful of older co-workers, what does it matter? Just ignore them and discuss very little of your private life with them.