Why don't we share? (a little long)

[Isis]

I was wondering the same thing also. People dont really ask me questions about hair since I rarely wear my hair out. Even still I do have a long way to go. But it is healthier than it has ever been.

Would you ladies offer advice to those who dont necessarily ask but obviously could benefit from it?

No, I would not offer any kind of advice on any topic if someone isn't requesting it first. I've learned that is unhealthy behavior.

 

[Isis]

I love this community because it invloves a large group of women of color who share ideas, emotions, and even photos of themsleves to help each other and receive help in return.

However, in the world outside of the net I find the reverse to be true. When I moved to NY 4 years ago I was in need of a relaxer and had no idea where to go. I asked so many women where did they get their hair done and I kept getting the run around. A few kept acting like they had to check and would never get back with me (who doesn't know their stylist ) Some would say their stylist doesn't make appointments with just anyone . Unfortunately, my roots were wild so I stopped at a place where the lady was standing out front with coupons (should have been a sign ) Of course she burns my scalp so bad I was in tears and it wasn't even straight when she was done. She didn't even have the nerve to charge me (that's how bad it looked ). My hair slowly broke off all over and eventually my sis told me about this board.

Back to the present. About a month ago, I met a new friend at my internship. She confided in me that her hair was shedding like crazy and commented on how thick my hair was I immediately told her about LHCF even though ladies in the past were very uninterested. The next week she came in with bantu knots to air dry and had bought some new items she had read about on the board It was too cute. A couple weeks later she told me how she had told her girlfriends how I had recommended this site and said they thought I was really nice to share this with her because Black women don't share things like that I was led to believe that this statement is somewhat true because of what I had experienced before.

So, I pose the question, why is it that we don't share in real life? Have any of you ladies experienced this at all? Is it more than just hair? Where is the love and sense of community in this? Am I just too idealistic?

It's because in this patriarchal society, females, black and white, learn early in life to compete with one another for male attention. Women are the ones who must recognize this as female sexism and change their behavior. I feel it runs deep and since beautiful hair represents feminine power, many women keep their successes to themselves.

I do assist others when they ask me. I would love all of the black hair myths to just disappear.

 

[pattycake0701]

The only person I share hair care secrets with is my momma (and my aunt if she asks). I relax my momma's hair so I feel as if it is my duty to give her tips on keeping it healthy. As far as any other women, I don't share because I feel its not my place. Additionally, besides my grandma and my aunt, everyone I know is relaxed and simply not interested in any tips I could provide.

 

[Tee]

I share all the time. But I think a better question would be, why don't we use some of the advice that's shared?

People never listen to the advice I share.(Momma I am calling you out! )

giggling. I surely can relate though!

 

[sexyaqr]

I am new here but even before this I had a basic idea about caring for my hair, but personally I do not always share. If that person seems sincere, then I will share. To this date I have only confided in two ladies. One has been doing my techniques before I even joined LHCF and has grown 2 inches that she taught that she never could. The other one I just told her anout LHCF.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

I share. They think I'm crazy. But who has the crazy long hair hmmmmm?

 

[dynamic1]

I share hair related tips, product information, styling tips, etc.... but only to those with a genuine interest. I have had negative experiences when attempting to explain things to random people who asks me for info. I try to feel the person out first.

Some women may not share their stylist info because........

• it may be difficult to get an appointment because of demand
• they do not want to see co-workers, acquaintances at the same salon.

 

[Curlee_lurker]

I've tried sharing, but once some women look at my hair, they assume I just got that kind of hair that will grow long/healthy.

This about sums it up.

My one friend has a thinning spot in the front of her head and I kept on telling her what to do to restore it everytime she'd whine about it. Maybe I'll feel sorry for her when it's totally bald. She's already doing the comb-over and her concern about massaging with oil is that it'll look greasy.

Her complaints about her mustache are also going unnoticed now too.

 

[naturallylovely]

im always dishing out info about hair, everyone calls me the "hair expert" lol....especially since my book case is full of hair products instead of actual books!!

i only told my mother (who doesn't know much about computers) and my roommate about lhcf. me and my roommate are in this together, lol...i told her about it as soon we moved in (friend from highschool).

now the bad part is that although i will give tips and advice to whoever will listen, i am less inclined to give people with hair longer and healthier than mine the web address.....i know that is wrong soooo many levels, but atleast im being honest!! ill tell them once i pass them up a little bit.....also, i am less inclined to tell people with longer hair than mine what they should be doing to their hair period, because they'll probably look at me like "WTF?"

 

[Proudpiscean]

I don't share the board but I will recommend a good stylist and I will and have also shared techniques and other things I learned from the board. I never give away my sources I am always telling people what to do with their hair to make it healthier so it can grow but that's about all!

I'm the same way

 

[Guapa1]

I don't share LHCF, but I'll share techniques. Like others though, it gets a bit tiresome when people don't listen.

 

[camellia]

Women rarely ask me for hair advice. The few that do, mostly my sisters, I tell everything. I don't see my hair practices as any big secret, just moisture, no heat, and it thrives! I won't hesitate to recommend a product if someone should ask, but they usually don't.

 

[pistachio]

I don't share because I find that most other Black women want the name of a miracle product to grow hair, not advice on how to care for it.

 

[january noir]

It's because in this patriarchal society, females, black and white, learn early in life to compete with one another for male attention. Women are the ones who must recognize this as female sexism and change their behavior. I feel it runs deep and since beautiful hair represents feminine power, many women keep their successes to themselves.

I do assist others when they ask me. I would love all of the black hair myths to just disappear.

Isis, I too believe this. Well said.

 

[Aveena]

I've tried sharing, but once some women look at my hair, they assume I just got that kind of hair that will grow long/healthy.
Because of this and other reasons, I have given up on sharing, unless the women seem very interested.

That's it right there!!!!! I don't share for that reason. People just don't seem to understand that it takes time and patience and if you try to tell people this they automatically so to.....the bolded statement above!!!

Unless someone expresses true interest and understanding...maybe... but I don't really like talking about it

 

[SilkyandSmooth]

If someone comes to me for some hair advice or a stylist referral, I have absolutely no problem sharing that information. I enjoy helping people.

 

[blazingthru]

At first after getting on here I was crazy about hair and wanted to tell all I knew but people looked at me like I was crazy and my family had a hard time adjusting to me going natural. After a while I stopped talking about hair. I will if someone ask me but other then that I say nothing. I also never talk about here. I will if someone was really interested. This is how I found this site someone told me about it.

 

[Precious_1]

now the bad part is that although i will give tips and advice to whoever will listen, i am less inclined to give people with hair longer and healthier than mine the web address.....i know that is wrong soooo many levels, but atleast im being honest!! ill tell them once i pass them up a little bit.....also, i am less inclined to tell people with longer hair than mine what they should be doing to their hair period, because they'll probably look at me like "WTF?"

this is exactly how i feel, and another reason why i dont share because they will know what they know plus what I know to get their hair long and healthy. They need less help...Sometimes quiet is better lol

 

[DreamLife]

Both me and my cousin have 4b hair that we have never been able to take care of. We never used moisturizer or anything and we both have had bald spots due to over OVER processing, thinning edges because of too tight braids and had to do a BC. One Christmas I actually had her cut my nape to about 1 inch it was so broken off and I was so frustrated. So she came over and I told her about the site...and she was coo at first but then she started laughing about how people's progress pics weren't real...erplexed . And then she was like WHAT? When I told her about Co-washes and what not.

Before that I told my bestfriend about it and she was like oh ok...I guess she is at the point where she said forget it, and did the bc.She said she will be doing quickweaves for the rest of her life So I guess she is not too interested as of now.

One of my friends actually shared the site with me, but after that experience, I'm not telling anyone anything, especially since I'm not at any of my goals yet.

 

[blackbarbie]

I've tried sharing, but once some women look at my hair, they assume I just got that kind of hair that will grow long/healthy.
Because of this and other reasons, I have given up on sharing, unless the women seem very interested.

Same here. Some people will ask and the next thing I know I am going off at the mouth asking what they currently do and then making suggestions, but I got a little perturbed (sp.) the other day when me and a co-worker of mine, who has a really beautiful natural head of hair were talking about products. Then the guy sitting in the office with me said he wished I would talk to his niece. I asked him why. He said that she does so much stuff to her hair and her hair wouldn't grow and he wished I could have the discussion with her that we were having.

I told him I wouldn't give anybody any unsolicited advice and she didn't know me from a can of paint so why would she listen to me. Then he said "well your hair looks like it grows long anyway, but she still could benefit from some of the tips you were talking about."........I had to tell him that it wasn't just my hair, but most women's hair grow, it's just the things we do that determine whether we retain it......He looked and said "I just thought your hair grew long naturally."..........O.K, I know off topic, but I couldn't even begin to tell that fool all I have to go through to grow and maintain my hair.....

Back to the original question, I'm always quick to hand out one of my brother's business cards when people ask me about my color, or if they just compliment me, I thank them and don't offer unsolicited advice....when they start asking what I do to my hair, then I turn into motor mouth!

 

[pretty_nappy_hair]

I don't think anyone would understand my obsession with this forum. So I keeps it to myself. My boyfriend swears I'm looking at porn or something sinister Sometimes I'll share with sis or cuz. But for the most part I'll keep it my secret

 

[CarolinaQT37]

On a personal note, I have so much love for JLove74 for reaching out to me and sharing such great information at all times. She has done nothing but extended kindness, warm gestures, and great guidance (not to mention directions) to me since my move to the DC area and I can't thank her enough for that. She has a delightful personality, a great sense of style and is full of wonderful suggestions/solutions to problems. She has gone out of her way to make me feel welcome and to answer any question(s) that I may have and I appreciate it very much.

I don't have many friends in this world (none in the DC metro area yet) yet I consider JLove a friend indeed. I have found that you definitely get what you give in life and JLove gives great advice and lovingkindness and I hope that I can only return a fraction of the that to her. As I patrol/lurk the boards on LHCF, I see that you all are so considerate and helpful and feel fortunate to have found such a wonderful board where I can actually trust the advice and info given.

 

[deborah11]

I definitely share information. Infact, a few months ago a couple of girls at work mentioned how healthy and thick my hair was and they wanted to know what I was doing. I told them and I also typed up a 3 page document, giving them information on protein-moisture balancing, stretching relaxers, products, baggie method, protective styles, etc. They were both so appreciative because they were both sick of their growth-breakage cycles. They are both using the methods on themselves and their daughters! I couldn't share information on stylists because I no longer go to them but if I had one that was good, I would certainly past that information along as well. I want to look good with nice, healthy hair so why would I not want that for my fellow sisters?

 

[firecracker]

I share all kinds a stuff. I don't understand why some feel the need to hold on to free information or advice. I also don't get upset when my advice isn't taken cuz I think that ish is stupid and egotistical of the advice giver. (just my 02cents)
If someone comes back for repeated advice about the same thing you simply state "now you know damn well you and I both are wasting our breath" and keep it moving.

 

[blackmaven]

I tell all my relatives and friends about this site. This is funny on Thanksgiving Day I "smoke" my hair use a lot of techniques learned here. I use the ironing board to put my hairdryer on flat iron it. Forget to take pic though. My brother brought over his new date kind of nice for a change. Maybe he will leave the hoochie mama's alonge. I normally do not entertain my brothers dates period. This lady says your hair looks nice and healthy. I told her about LHCF all the great advice ladies here had given. Tell me why this lady ask me to do her hair on Thanksgiving Day she said her hair had broke off after braids. She looked somewhat embarressed about her hair it was in a messed up ponytail. Hmmm, I agreed I put the Dabur Alma in her head as a prepoo for 30 minutes. I am sure she was thinking what the h*ll is this woman putting in my hair. She said what is that smell. Shampoo with Keracare,couldn't find Keracare conditioner,condition with Nexxus Humectress,Silk elements leave in and hairdryer w/ironing board. My brother date thought hairdryer with ironing board was clever. Ahhh thanks lhcf ladies for that tip. Flat iron her hair with my Sedu using coconut oil. Her hair looked great she was really impressed!!!!!
Her Thanksgiving party favor was a printout of Sisterslick 's hair breakage Shedding 101.

 

[Supergirl]

I don't think anyone would understand my obsession with this forum. So I keeps it to myself. My boyfriend swears I'm looking at porn or something sinister Sometimes I'll share with sis or cuz. But for the most part I'll keep it my secret

Same here--I rarely tell others about the forum. But I will share hair care tips all day long if someone seems interested enough.

A member also said on another thread a while back that there's something about "finding" LHCF for yourself that makes it more valuable to you. I think there's some truth to that.

 

[Miss*Tress]

Would you ladies offer advice to those who dont necessarily ask but obviously could benefit from it?

No because what's obvious to me might not be obvious to them. I do share with women I feel close to or if asked and only in those situations. It's odd though how friends and family will rave about my hair, but are unwilling to listen to or follow the advice I give them.

Once I gave a woman in the bus the name of my stylist as well as the name of the street where the salon is located. Mind you the street is only about 3 blocks long, but she insisted on giving me her number so I could ring her with the *precise* location. I never contacted her because she had enough information to find the salon IMO.

 

[Country gal]

On a personal note, I have so much love for JLove74 for reaching out to me and sharing such great information at all times. She has done nothing but extended kindness, warm gestures, and great guidance (not to mention directions) to me since my move to the DC area and I can't thank her enough for that. She has a delightful personality, a great sense of style and is full of wonderful suggestions/solutions to problems. She has gone out of her way to make me feel welcome and to answer any question(s) that I may have and I appreciate it very much.

I don't have many friends in this world (none in the DC metro area yet) yet I consider JLove a friend indeed. I have found that you definitely get what you give in life and JLove gives great advice and lovingkindness and I hope that I can only return a fraction of the that to her. As I patrol/lurk the boards on LHCF, I see that you all are so considerate and helpful and feel fortunate to have found such a wonderful board where I can actually trust the advice and info given.

Jlove is nice. She should of guided you to one of the many ladies night out in the DC area. We are a friendly and fun bunch.

 

[Country gal]

I like to share info with folks. I have been accused of being hair obsessed. So I am a little leary of going on one of my hair rants when around new folks. The proof is in the pudding. My hair is flourishing nicely. I just let the questions come to me.

 

[EMJazzy]

I'll share if someone asks me....in the beginning of my healthy hair journey I was all excited and telling my co-workers about the things I was learning on LHCF they just looked at me like I was coo coo for coco puffs when I reach my hair goals they will be in