Why don't loser men have a problem finding love?

Perfexion

Perfexion

Well-Known Member
So it's been a while since I left my husband. Since then it's been tough being a single mother to my toddler. However, in doing so I discovered a hidden passion of mine and I'm in the process of starting my own home business. It's going to be extra tough juggling my job, my business and all of my home responsibilities in the beginning, but my hope is that my business takes off enough so that I can quit my primary job and mainly work from home so I can be with my little one. I already built up an impressive client list so that might actually happen sooner than later.

My sister convinced me to join Blackpeoplemeet.com so that I can officially move on and start dating again. Just like most of the women here, I mostly get hit on by a lot of older men. I haven't had any real luck dating- most of the men I find interesting or compatible don't seem to be interested in me and vice versa. I've pretty much given up on looking anyway. I have enough on my plate right now. I just discovered however that my loser ex-husband is happily with another woman and she is expecting a baby. They live in government housing together. Neither of them work. The only income they get is a little cash from selling their food stamps. Once the baby is born I imagine they will become eligible for cash assistance. A normal person would step back and say that I won but I don't think so. According to his mother (who is the source), he and his new girlfriend are as happy as clams. They have each other and they don't need money or careers. They're probably going to have a few more kids, stay on welfare and live happily ever after. I would be absolutely miserable living in that situation, whether I had a man or not, but I guess that's just me. All in all I'm happy that I left him and I'm excited for my future endeavors. I just can't believe that my lazy, underachieving, and now deadbeat baby daddy can so easily move on when he has nothing to offer, (at least he had two jobs when we were dating; he was unemployed when I threw him out and he hasn't had a job since) and yet there are so many good single women out there. I'm just venting really, but I know that everyone knows of a loser guy who stays in relationships. I don't get it and it's just not fair! Okay, rant over.
 
IMO, there are a lot of desperate women out there who will put up with anything just to have a man. Therefore, losers are in luck. Men who are not losers, are usually more selective when choosing a mate. Quality isn't easy to find.
 
I don't know, but congratulations on discovering something that you are passionate about and that you can parlay into a business. That's pretty awesome!
 
It's because society has convinced women that they aint worth a damn unless they have a man. Any man is better than no man at all. Women also clown each other for being single. This has caused a never ending supply of desparate women which transcends race and class. It gets worse when you hit 25. When you hit 35, you are on life support, 40, hop on a take a seat on the upper most shelf. It's a wrap for you. Having a good man is wonderful and I want one myself. I just don't like being made to feel like my shelf life is over because I'm almost 40 and not yet married.
 
okange76 said:
It's because society has convinced women that they aint worth a damn unless they have a man. Any man is better than no man at all. Women also clown each other for being single. This has caused a never ending supply of desparate women which transcends race and class. It gets worse when you hit 25. When you hit 35, you are on life support, 40, hop on a take a seat on the upper most shelf. It's a wrap for you. Having a good man is wonderful and I want one myself. I just don't like being made to feel like my shelf life is over because I'm almost 40 and not yet married.
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Yes to the bolded and it grates my nerves. Men know this and use it to their advantage.

All I can say is know your worth and stay happy. Close your ears to what society says...dont let it invade your consciousness.

He will show up and he will be what you want.
 
I know you are just venting but try your best to not focus your energy on that. That lady that "won" him isn't winning at all. I cannot imagine living with a man who refused to work. Focus on how smart you were to dump him, your future stay at home business, your child, and the love you will find in the future. You are on a good path. I'd tune out his mom if I were you. She's feeding you negativity IMO. Think about the beautiful black women who are winning. Many of us are educated, happy, financially stable, beautiful, and loved by men who work and are decent. Those men do exist.
 
I rather be single than being with a loser .its called having standards.

It's easy to get with someone who s not up to your standards just to avoid being single ,but that s just a waste of time. We should all have enough self respect to want the best for ourselves . :)
 
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I'm sad to hear you left your husband. I remember your previous threads. Your story was a but frightening because if remember correctly he was a hard worker at first, then you got pregnant and he made this abrupt turnaround and became a lazy oaf. Now he's living on the welfare :nono:

I think it's always going to be harder to find someone of high quality. It's not surprising he had an easy time because it appears his standards are low, so he'll take whatever you know.
 
Perfexion said:
So it's been a while since I left my husband. Since then it's been tough being a single mother to my toddler. However, in doing so I discovered a hidden passion of mine and I'm in the process of starting my own home business. It's going to be extra tough juggling my job, my business and all of my home responsibilities in the beginning, but my hope is that my business takes off enough so that I can quit my primary job and mainly work from home so I can be with my little one. I already built up an impressive client list so that might actually happen sooner than later.

My sister convinced me to join Blackpeoplemeet.com so that I can officially move on and start dating again. Just like most of the women here, I mostly get hit on by a lot of older men. I haven't had any real luck dating- most of the men I find interesting or compatible don't seem to be interested in me and vice versa. I've pretty much given up on looking anyway. I have enough on my plate right now. I just discovered however that my loser ex-husband is happily with another woman and she is expecting a baby. They live in government housing together. Neither of them work. The only income they get is a little cash from selling their food stamps. Once the baby is born I imagine they will become eligible for cash assistance. A normal person would step back and say that I won but I don't think so. According to his mother (who is the source), he and his new girlfriend are as happy as clams. They have each other and they don't need money or careers. They're probably going to have a few more kids, stay on welfare and live happily ever after. I would be absolutely miserable living in that situation, whether I had a man or not, but I guess that's just me. All in all I'm happy that I left him and I'm excited for my future endeavors. I just can't believe that my lazy, underachieving, and now deadbeat baby daddy can so easily move on when he has nothing to offer, (at least he had two jobs when we were dating; he was unemployed when I threw him out and he hasn't had a job since) and yet there are so many good single women out there. I'm just venting really, but I know that everyone knows of a loser guy who stays in relationships. I don't get it and it's just not fair! Okay, rant over.
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@ the bolded I highly doubt it.
I firmly believe there will come a day, and soon, that welfare will experience drastic reductions if not be eliminated all together.
 
I know you feel sad/bad and it is normal. I know it is tough to see but you and your LO are better off apart than with him. It's like he mentally gave up on life. Right now he is going through the motions. Though he seems really happy, he is in the honeymoon phase. And after a while this woman will see all that you saw. Keep your head up boo. (((HUGS)))
 
Perfexion said:
I just discovered however that my loser ex-husband is happily with another woman and she is expecting a baby. They live in government housing together. Neither of them work. The only income they get is a little cash from selling their food stamps. Once the baby is born I imagine they will become eligible for cash assistance. A normal person would step back and say that I won but I don't think so. According to his mother (who is the source), he and his new girlfriend are as happy as clams. They have each other and they don't need money or careers. They're probably going to have a few more kids, stay on welfare and live happily ever after.
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While he is probably happy, I promise you, she is not. That little piece of change you get from the government does not go far at all. Once the euphoria of having a man around wears off and the sleepless nights and other struggles of parenting (while in poverty, mind you) set in, I'm sure sistergirl will change her tune.

Plus, no matter what, his mother has to make it sound like they're happy - you're his ex. She has to make you sound like you missed out on a good thing. (This is really the heart of the problem - here you have some grown woman "bragging" on her deadbeat, no-job-having, government-assistance-taking, baby-making son. *smh*)

Cheer up, OP. You really did dodge a bullet. I promise.
 
Well his new woman sounds pretty loserish as well, so it seems that they are equally yoked. I think that is true in a lot of cases actually, they are hooking up with folks on their level.
 
I dont think OP cares about loser ex hubby and his happiness or the woman being with him. She just wants to find the one for her. She already knows that's a lose lose situation. No jealousy there.
 
Loser men will always find a mate because like water men will eventually seek their own level.

I don't doubt that she is happy as that may be all she knows. Shoot to her a good man is someone that stays on the couch all day so she doesn't have to run the streets looking for him.

Remember that her standards don't affect you at all. Her definition is clearly not yours.

Its not about her or what she settled for but you being strong enough to be discerning going forward until you get what you want. One woman's trash is another's treasure.
 
OP while I'm sure your ex-MIL means well, but if you want to move on don't focus on him. Wish him well and before you know it you'll be in a good relationship.

And be careful because your choices will affect your baby. So be as picky as you need to be.
 
Hi Perfextion, I'm glad you took the time to re-evaluate your life and a marriage and made the best decision for yourself and your child. It's uncanny that I went through the very same thing a few months ago but someone told me some valuable advice and that was not to believe in "appearances". Your ex is not going to be happy too long especially since the brand new is a rebound- he will start comparing her to you, because he didn't take the time to heal from his relationship with you. Trust and believe that birds of feather do flock together and your ex found a nice chickadee on his level. Your level was much higher and more advanced than your ex and this is what attracted him to you, you have the qualities he wished to attain himself but did not have the ambition to do so. When he realized that he reached too high and could not live up to your standards he started to back peddle and did his least because he didn't feel like a man. He knew he was weak and sought someone who is weaker so he doesn't look so bad; low self esteem & low standards is nothing nice to witness.

You could easily have a man, EASILY! But the fact is you don't want just any ol' thang and that is a good thing! You know what you want and want you DON'T want and that's a great start. Don't listen to your MIL, like another poster said, she's trying to cast self-doubt on you, don't fall for it. She know who her son is. Since you are a budding entrepreneur , have you been to any networking events? Meet up groups? You can meet people who share similar business practices and interest and you can get your feet wet a little. I'm a single mom too so I know it's hard getting child care but if you can, start there. I wish you the best but know that the person you are suppose to be with is out there.
 
OP, I so know the feeling... Keep head held high and keep strutting, I know this was a vent, maybe distancing self from ex-MIL should be a consideration... out of sight, out of mind...
 
i read the op and i know you dont really mean this literally but i can think of a few reasons

    1. men are not criticised as harshly as women are, so their flaws are easily forgiven
    2. there is a lot of pressure for women to be in relationships in general
    3. its more acceptable for men to be life-nothings, women are expected to achieve things
    4. the average single woman probably has lower self esteem than the average single man and is susceptible to nonsense
    5. in some cultures loser men are considered the norm
    6. in some cultures women are expected to take on traditionally male roles (which minimises said man's loserness)
    7. women are taught to settle where men are taught they deserve the best
    8. some people give up and think men who are not losers are unattainable
    9. it's easy to scare or scold women into believing she needs a penis-bodied person in her life
    10. some women subconsciously believe that just by virtue of being male a man has value (even if he has no skills or tangible benefits to bring to the table)
    11. other people in the loser man's life (his mama, his exes, and in some cases his other female family members) prop him up and protect him, which makes him seem a worthwhile choice
    12. some women dont think they should have the audacity to seek a man that is not a loser/they are being uppity or a gold digger to do so and therefore feel even more justified about picking a loser
    13. some manipulative women prefer a man who has no other options
    14. some women believe they are doing the loser a kindness by accepting his inability to be responsible for himself/they are "working with him"
    15. some women are incapable of identifying what, in fact, makes a man a loser

and, of course, all the other things mentioned above :yep:
 
Gf has to be crazy to be planning on bringing more children into that situation and ex MIL is crazy too for condoning that mess.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using LHCF
 
It's easy for anyone, man or woman, to find a relationship when you have low or no standards. If you don't want much in the people you date there will be an endless supply of suitors. It's when you have standards and want more for yourself that it becomes difficult.

Here is a quote from Teddy Roosevelt: “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Or in the words of Tupac: "I don't want it if it's that easy." :lol:
 
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Thanks for the responses ladies. This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with a Caucasian friend from college. I was telling her about my marriage and she gave me the example of Aladdin and Jasmine as to why I shouldn't have left my husband. She said that real love knows no dollar signs and now I have paved the way for some other chick to get away with my Prince Aladdin. We call it having standards, but she is calling it missing out on love. Is that a cultural thing? I think there is a difference between being in love with a broke guy who means well (which is what I thought he was), and being in love with a loser with no goals and no ambition. At least Aladdin had a dream and a lamp.
 
Perfexion said:
Thanks for the responses ladies. This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with a Caucasian friend from college. I was telling her about my marriage and she gave me the example of Aladdin and Jasmine as to why I shouldn't have left my husband. She said that real love knows no dollar signs and now I have paved the way for some other chick to get away with my Prince Aladdin. We call it having standards, but she is calling it missing out on love. Is that a cultural thing? I think there is a difference between being in love with a broke guy who means well (which is what I thought he was), and being in love with a loser with no goals and no ambition. At least Aladdin had a dream and a lamp.
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Anyone that gives you advice like that is NOT your friend.

She has low self esteem or is jealous and thinks you should know your place by making similar foolish life choices.

Aladdin and Jasmine? :ohwell: Seriously??
 
Perfexion said:
Thanks for the responses ladies. This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with a Caucasian friend from college. I was telling her about my marriage and she gave me the example of Aladdin and Jasmine as to why I shouldn't have left my husband. She said that real love knows no dollar signs and now I have paved the way for some other chick to get away with my Prince Aladdin. We call it having standards, but she is calling it missing out on love. Is that a cultural thing? I think there is a difference between being in love with a broke guy who means well (which is what I thought he was), and being in love with a loser with no goals and no ambition. At least Aladdin had a dream and a lamp.
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No it's not a cultural thing. She's just a dumb azzzz. Apologies for the frankness.
 
Perfexion said:
Thanks for the responses ladies. This reminds me of a conversation I had recently with a Caucasian friend from college. I was telling her about my marriage and she gave me the example of Aladdin and Jasmine as to why I shouldn't have left my husband. She said that real love knows no dollar signs and now I have paved the way for some other chick to get away with my Prince Aladdin. We call it having standards, but she is calling it missing out on love. Is that a cultural thing? I think there is a difference between being in love with a broke guy who means well (which is what I thought he was), and being in love with a loser with no goals and no ambition. At least Aladdin had a dream and a lamp.
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:lachen::lachen: Too funny.
 
You have to be careful whom you take advice from or who you confide in.

Your former MIL is buggin and so is your "friend".

There's not one white friend I know that would give advice like that. NOT ONE.

I'm so offended at what that person said to you.
 
She won? Well, if you consider being knocked up by a deadbeat winning, then yes I suppose. At some point she will soon realize he's a loser and if she has any ambition, then she will dump him too. Hopefully she will wake up before she is stuck with too many kids that he likely won't support.

There are some good men out there, and they are not losers with no ambition. You just have to be in the right place to meet them. I agree with attending networking events for entrepreneurs.

Good luck with your new business venture! What kind of business did you start?
 
I also wanted to be sure and congratulate you on leaving him. I know that it was not an easy decision. I will also tell you that men that don't work are dangerous IMO. People in general need to be productive. Women can find other ways to be productive but most men (under 60 or 65) really do need to work to pay bills of course but also in order to feel worthwhile and to stay out of trouble. A woman not working can focus on her children, volunteering, gardening, school, etc. But men tend to just sit, watch tv, get into porn, video games, drink, cheat, etc. So if an able-bodied man won't work and take care of his family it's worrisome for many reasons, not just for the lack of income. Never look back. You caught a bad fish and had the good sense to throw him back.

ETA: of course not all men, but I believe this is true generally.

ETA2: your friend is a hot mess. I would pay her no nevermind. Not only is she dumb but she is not loving and supporting you when you need it most.

ETA3: if I were you I would keep an eye out for a really good girlfriend, someone who is loving and supportive. I think you need that more right now than a man.
 
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hopeful said:
I also wanted to be sure and congratulate you on leaving him. I know that it was not an easy decision. I will also tell you that men that don't work are dangerous IMO. People in general need to be productive. Women can find other ways to be productive but most men (under 60 or 65) really do need to work to pay bills of course but also in order to feel worthwhile and to stay out of trouble. A woman not working can focus on her children, volunteering, gardening, school, etc. But men tend to just sit, watch tv, get into porn, video games, drink, cheat, etc. So if an able-bodied man won't work and take care of his family it's worrisome for many reasons, not just for the lack of income. Never look back. You caught a bad fish and had the good sense to throw him back.

ETA: of course not all men, but I believe this is true generally.

ETA2: your friend is a hot mess. I would pay her no nevermind. Not only is she dumb but she is not loving and supporting you when you need it most.

ETA3: if I were you I would keep an eye out for a really good girlfriend, someone who is loving and supportive. I think you need that more right now than a man.
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Every time you post its so much wisdom your DD is lucky to have such a wise mother.
 
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