Why do women have to be the submissive ones?

[yora88]

These are really good points but everything you have mentioned, I think you probably also do this for him as well. To be honest, my bestfriend and I also do some of the same for each other. If this is what being a protector entails a woman could also easily fulfill that role just as much as man. I understand that you particularly don't want to be the protector and provider, but my point is a woman should have a choice as to which role they want to fulfill, or that they could equally share ruling over the household without one person being more domineering than the other.

From my experience, relationships and households run better when the man is the dominant one. When there is equal distribution of power or when the female is the dominant one, things are weird to me. And trust, I know for a fact that a woman is capable of doing any and everything that a man can do, but just because she's capable doesn't mean that she should have to or that it's right. Think about the symbolism of a typical marriage ceremony, a father gives his daughter away to her husband. A father is giving away the responsibility of having to protect and provide for his daughter to her husband.

 

[yora88]

Our latest argument was over whose house we should eat at for Thanksgiving. I want to go to my parents house, and he wants to stay at home (we live in DC but are both from Ohio). He said he didn't feel like traveling all the way back to Ohio for a few days, and it was going to cost to much. I told him he was free to stay in DC, but i'm going home, that's when he got mad and said I never do what he wants to do, or consider what he wants and that he questions my potential to be his wife because i'm never submissive. He always goes there so I don't even trip anymore.

I don't know why we have been together so long. I feel that most men think this way, I have never come across one who doesn't, so why dump him to date another man with same views? That's the only flaw in my SO, so i guess we'll just continue arguing until one of us gives in...it won't be me

This would be a time that I would seek compromise. Is it possible to spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his?

 

[B_Phlyy]

Being submissive is not the same as being subordinate. I think many people use the two terms interchangeably but really mean the latter, which is still incorrect. To me, submissiveness means that both partners are equal but have different roles. The man is the provider and protector and the woman is the supporter and nurturer. Both depend on each other for input and guidance to keep the relationship balanced. Even if one person may seem to be in charge, the final decision was made based on what's best for everyone. Being subordinate is just what it sounds like, one person above one another. There could be a legitimate reason that the "above" person feels they should be in charge (gender, SES, education), but most of the time, somebody is just ego tripping.

Even though you are young, you have been in a significant LTR. Has your bf always talked like this or is this a recent development? If it's recent, maybe he is thinking of taking your relationship to the next level (engagement and marriage) and feels he would prefer those characteristics in a wife. But if he has been saying this since you've been together, you need to think long and hard about how much you really want to be with him. Because I doubt you will change each others minds about this issue.

 

[Dee Raven]

I don't really believe that as a woman I have to be submissive. In fact, if a man told me that, I would take it as a sign he was trying to control me. And I was given free will and a strong mind, so kick rocks. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. And I think that the idea in relationships is to support the other in the places they are weak and you are strong and be supported in the places where you are weak and they are strong. That means being both submissive and assertive. Each person should be able to be both. That's my 2 cents.

 

[MD_Lady]

Our latest argument was over whose house we should eat at for Thanksgiving. I want to go to my parents house, and he wants to stay at home (we live in DC but are both from Ohio). He said he didn't feel like traveling all the way back to Ohio for a few days, and it was going to cost to much. I told him he was free to stay in DC, but i'm going home, that's when he got mad and said I never do what he wants to do, or consider what he wants and that he questions my potential to be his wife because i'm never submissive. He always goes there so I don't even trip anymore....

I'm rolling my eyes EXTRA hard at him... This isn't about submission, it's about him getting his way. Men like this forget the context in which submission is supposed to occur (i.e. the man behaving in a manner that makes him worthy of his WIFE'S submission). If he was going to question your DW potential and lay the submission guilt trip, he should have done so before telling on himself via the bold.

 

[ladysaraii]

This is a good conversation. I have lots of issues with the idea of women being submissive.

Maybe its b/c no one can really explain to me what exactly it means and how it doesnt mean being subordinate or second class. i kind of feel like 'so ive been on my own all this time and making my own decisions and suddenly b/c i got married, now i need to act liek im some helpless little woman incapapble of rational thought?' Its an exageration bu tthats how i feel.

The funy thing is that I think with my parents, my dad is very much the head of the household. But my mom is not a meek littl emouse and my dad has done a really good job or caring for his girls. And out of all of us, Im probably the most submissive, but I still rebel against it, even though submission was never mentioned in our house.

I guess I've always associated submissiveness with religion as well, so maybe thats the hangup.

i just want a partnership, why is that so hard? We can make decisions together. Sometimes I have the final say, sometimes he does. IDK

 

[MD_Lady]

...I guess I've always associated submissiveness with religion as well, so maybe thats the hangup...

But you're right... IMO/E, the concept of submission is linked to religious beliefs and traditional gender roles. That having been said, I don't understand why so many people (IRL/in general) are so quick to criticize a woman who doesn't agree with submission. Did it ever occur to them that she might not follow a religion that requires this of its followers? Or maybe she doesn't have traditional expectations of herself (i.e. expects that she will work outside of the home to support herself and her family and to attend college to prepare for this) or her future husband (doesn't expect him to be the sole breadwinner) and, as a result, doesn't agree with submission? If a woman isn't traditional or religious in any other aspect of her life, her not wanting to submit to a man makes PERFECT sense to me.

 

[Naveah2050]

Women are socialised to be submissive that's why....we live in a patriarchal society that takes every opportunity to reinforce the power of men especially through the traditional family structure and religion etc

Personally I will only submit to someone whose authority I trust especially in matters where they are more qualified than me to make decisions ie I will submit to my lawyer or accountants judgement but I sure as hell will not submit to my S.O just because he says so....in the beginning he used to worry about this due to his very traditional upbringing (his mother gave up her more lucratively paid job to raise them and their dad was the main provider) but now he realises that the best way to get me to agree is to reason and persuade me, and not to try and force me to suspend the use of my brain just because his penis somehow qualifies him as an expert in everything....

 

[cabellera]

The whole submission thing is another play in dominance. It's a power thing. In reality your genitalia doesn't qualify you as the leader or not. Some men aren't good with money, so you wouldn't put such a man in charge of household finances. However, many cultures, societies, religions and surprisingly many females subscribe to the male dominant status - thought program. I for one do not.

OP your BF has some issues with wanting things his way without a rebuttal from you. Sorry, don't think it'll get any better. 


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[Ganjababy]

The only man I had to submit to was my father when I lived under his roof.


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[Taleah2009]

My Pastor always says anything with two heads is a freak. I would equate relationships to a company. You have different levels of executives who all provide input, but ultimately its the CEO who makes the final decision. Could the CEO run the company without the top executives expertise, visions, ideas, no. Could the company run in an orderly manner if it had more than one person making the key decisions, probably not.

So ultimately tradition has set that the man would be the CEO of house, but he should seek input from the wife, but ultimately the decision would be his.

I would want my future household to be how SmileyNY stated.

 

[StarScream35]

Girlfriend, I personally think you and him don't need to be together. What's stopping you from moving on? I'm just asking?