why do nice guys finish last

[gone_fishing]

tfleming32_2000 yahoo ID

thomas: Women are soo complicated
thomas: I've been doing a test
gratiae: uh huh
thomas: speaking to them different
thomas: and am getting more responses
thomas: what do you love most about your man?
gratiae: his muscles
gratiae: I KID
thomas: I know
thomas: tell me
gratiae: hard for me to put my finger on just one thing.
gratiae: it's the total package
gratiae: not just one attribute
thomas: ok
gratiae: you know
thomas: I got you
gratiae: i think generally people fall in love with someone who makes them feel good about themselves
gratiae: that's why sometimes you seen fine men with ugly dudes or ugly women with fine dudes
gratiae: there's something about the person that makes them just generallly feel good as a person
gratiae: they are supportive, affectionate, positive, uplifting
gratiae: rather than nagging, negative, insulting, and making you feel like crap all the time
thomas: right
thomas: oh well
gratiae: why oh well?
thomas: just frustrated, I wanna be in love so bad, and I know I would treat her great... Just can't find someone that is worthy
gratiae: what is "worthy" to you
gratiae: cause no woman is ms. perfect ya know
thomas: right
gratiae: and my man certainly has his IMS days
thomas: but ok take for instance
thomas: last girl I was talking too
thomas: suddenly stopped the relationship saying that she is getting fat and needs to refocus
gratiae: wha?
thomas: said that she needs all this new stuff
thomas: car
gratiae: well her priorities were all whacky anyway
thomas: right
gratiae: you can work out
gratiae: and be in a relationship
thomas: but I was starting to love her
gratiae: lol
gratiae: oh
gratiae: well sounds like those were some excuses on her part
thomas: I would have helped her get all the new stuff she wanted
thomas: funny thing is that she was the one always asking me to come over
thomas: I would be in my bed sleeping
thomas: but it became I always wanted to see her
thomas: and I was a distraction
gratiae: hmm
thomas: second girl told me I was too much for her
thomas: cause I cared
gratiae: sounds like that movie i saw
thomas: I only saw that crazy girl once
thomas: maybe twice
thomas: I either meet hoes
thomas: or women that don't know what they want
gratiae: yep
thomas: they front like they are good girls but they are lost
gratiae: i hear that a lot form guys
gratiae: you really ought to see that movie
gratiae: it'll help you understand why they are that way
thomas: one girl told me that when I compliment her she gets scared and thinks its game
gratiae: seriously
gratiae: you should talk to my friend anwon
thomas: I was like damn, since when did gamers give you a true compliment
gratiae: he's from that site
thomas: funny thing is I wanna get married
thomas: have another baby
thomas: buy a house and car
thomas: be the man of someone's dreams
thomas: that is why I wanna start the social club
thomas: so that good people can find good people
gratiae: good idea
thomas: this stuff is ridiculous
gratiae: you'll find someone
gratiae: be patient
gratiae: pray
thomas: I know
gratiae: but don't force it
thomas: but I want someone for my birthday
thomas: thanksgiving
thomas: christmas
thomas: funny th ing is my cuzin has a hundred women but he is a dog alll the way
gratiae: lol
thomas: they seem to like that better
gratiae: yeah
gratiae: i've heard all this before
gratiae: you are classic
gratiae: that's not better
gratiae: believe me
gratiae: you don't want the kind of women
gratiae: he's probably attracting
gratiae: they are emotinally damaged
gratiae: even if the yare beautiful
gratiae: because they have a defect
thomas: like normally when I see a woman on myspace I say how are you doing beautiful
thomas: no reply
gratiae: some women are broken
gratiae: they don't want a good guy
thomas: but today I was like, damn sexy. how are you feeling, they respond
gratiae: can i use this convo to start at thread on this black woman's forum?
gratiae: LOL
thomas: sure you can
gratiae: omg
gratiae: that's crazy
gratiae: they respond to that?
thomas: yep
gratiae: can i post your pic?
gratiae: otherwise they'll assume your just some scrub
gratiae: lol
thomas: sure you can
thomas: but you gotta let me know where this stuff is?
gratiae: yeah
thomas: you are a mess
thomas: I think Imma blog it on Myspace
thomas: this is sad
thomas: and thank you for not letting me be a scrub
gratiae: lol
gratiae: no problem.

 

[naijaGal]

Very interesting. I hear this a lot now from my male friends, none of whom I fancy, hence my singledom.
It's amazing how many men are simply looking for a straightforward 'no games' relationship.

I guess with many years of conditioning with us gals it's hard to decipher if the man's legit or not. We expect them to the arseholes and when they turn out to be wonderful we're like 'wow' as if being a decent human being is supposed to be something out of the ordinary. The more time you spend trying to figure him out the more you subconsciously do stuff that'll harm the relationship.

I think the older us women get, unless are heads are totally screwed, the more we crave for a down to earth, take me as I am relationship. We appreciate more and are more able to compromise without it being detrimental to our happiness or sense of integrity.

Tell Thomas to keep searching, he'll find the right one soon. If I were him I'd get a car though, he'd get to search farther quicker

 

[envybeauty]

There is something about him that is not clicking for the woman he wants. It is not apparent in yoru online discussion with him but RARELY does a good woman turn down a good man. A man who has his act together. Stable. Trustworthy. Confident. Appreciative. Has self-control. Gainfully employed. Homeowner. Well-educated.

I firmly believe that we attract who we are. If he is meeting certain types, then he has to reflect as to who he is and why he is attracting that.

Not all women are broken, confused, or dazed. Many of us have it together and looking for the SAME in a man.

 

[gone_fishing]

something went terribly wrong with this site earlier so i couldn't edit or preface this thread the way i intended to.

I had this conversation earlier today.

I do not endorse the person pictured hereinabove.

But just wanted to share his thoughts since I seem to hear the same thing over and over and over again.

I think there's some truth to what he's saying though. I know a lot of women who turn down "good men" for the playboys.

 

[Summer_Rain]

There is something about him that is not clicking for the woman he wants. It is not apparent in yoru online discussion with him but RARELY does a good woman turn down a good man. A man who has his act together. Stable. Trustworthy. Confident. Appreciative. Has self-control. Gainfully employed. Homeowner. Well-educated.

I firmly believe that we attract who we are. If he is meeting certain types, then he has to reflect as to who he is and why he is attracting that.

Not all women are broken, confused, or dazed. Many of us have it together and looking for the SAME in a man.

I agree. Another thing that I've noticed about the self-proclaimed "nice guys" is that they think all they need is "nice". Just because you're a "nice guy" doesnt mean that every woman in the world will feel a connection with you. Being a "nice guy" doesn't give you a free pass

 

[dlewis]

I'm having a hard time reading the original post with the different lines.

But I do find that nice guys often finished last because most women don't really want a nice guy until latter in life after the bad guys have dogged them out and used them up.

 

[frostydoll]

I agree. Another thing that I've noticed about the self-proclaimed "nice guys" is that they think all they need is "nice". Just because you're a "nice guy" doesnt mean that every woman in the world will feel a connection with you. Being a "nice guy" doesn't give you a free pass

IA!!!

Plus, these self-proclaimed nice guys usually have some issues that they don't want to accept.

I dated a self-proclaimed nice guy but he was a control freak who didn't want to compromise. We talked about problems when it was good for him. We went according to his schedule because he was "busier" than me or that's how he felt. When I would blow up about it his reply was "You act like I'm beating you or something it's not that big of a deal." He thought that since he wasn't hitting me that he was a nice guy and that's all that mattered.

I hate when guys tell me their nice guys because I can almost guarantee that they have some other issue or they are going to expect me to worship them because they're "nice". You should not have to tell me you're a nice guy show me and let me say it. Just like no guy wants a whiny girl we don't want a whiny guy telling us how nice he is and that girls treat him so bad. If every girls cheats on you then ummm maybe you should figure out what you're doing wrong. My mom always told me if the same thing keeps happening over and over with other people it's not them it's me!

 

[Summer_Rain]

IA!!!

Plus, these self-proclaimed nice guys usually have some issues that they don't want to accept.

I dated a self-proclaimed nice guy but he was a control freak who didn't want to compromise. We talked about problems when it was good for him. We went according to his schedule because he was "busier" than me or that's how he felt. When I would blow up about it his reply was "You act like I'm beating you or something it's not that big of a deal." He thought that since he wasn't hitting me that he was a nice guy and that's all that mattered.

I hate when guys tell me their nice guys because I can almost guarantee that they have some other issue or they are going to expect me to worship them because they're "nice". You should not have to tell me you're a nice guy show me and let me say it. Just like no guy wants a whiny girl we don't want a whiny guy telling us how nice he is and that girls treat him so bad. If every girls cheats on you then ummm maybe you should figure out what you're doing wrong. My mom always told me if the same thing keeps happening over and over with other people it's not them it's me!

Agree 100% Dani! And "nice guys" like to blame all their dating woes on the "thug" and the "playa". Not to say that they don't play a role - but the "nice guy" does as well. Like you stated in your example, the self proclaimed nice guy feels that just because he isn't knocking you upside your head 3x a week, or sleeping with your BFF every tuesday - that he's heads and shoulders above the rest. Meanwhile he's often passive aggressive, feels overly entitled...*smh* man I could go on and on and on. I had a "nice guy" who within 2 days of meeting me, was calling my phone - literally 15x a day, had the nerve to ring my phone at 6AM! Then played shocked when I told him we had to cut things off! "See...I'm a nice guy, interested in a serious relationship.You women don't know what you want!" Actually I do, and that type of behavior ain't it!

 

[frostydoll]

Agree 100% Dani! And "nice guys" like to blame all their dating woes on the "thug" and the "playa". Not to say that they don't play a role - but the "nice guy" does as well. Like you stated in your example, the self proclaimed nice guy feels that just because he isn't knocking you upside your head 3x a week, or sleeping with your BFF every tuesday - that he's heads and shoulders above the rest. Meanwhile he's often passive aggressive, feels overly entitled...*smh* man I could go on and on and on. I had a "nice guy" who within 2 days of meeting me, was calling my phone - literally 15x a day, had the nerve to ring my phone at 6AM! Then played shocked when I told him we had to cut things off! "See...I'm a nice guy, interested in a serious relationship.You women don't know what you want!" Actually I do, and that type of behavior ain't it!

Thank you!!!

I would honestly whether be with a guy who knows he has issues and hasn't done things right in the past but is trying to change and grow than a self proclaimed nice guy!!!

I'm sooo mad dude called you 15x a day and at 6 AM. Unless I ask for a wake up call please don't ever call me that early

 

[asubeauty]

I'm having a hard time reading the original post with the different lines.

But I do find that nice guys often finished last because most women don't really want a nice guy until latter in life after the bad guys have dogged them out and used them up.

I agree, DLewis.

And I also agree with the other posters too. Just because you aren't a total womanizer or dang near abusive doesn't automatically make you a "good guy." You might have issues, too!!

Maybe the "good guys" aren't really attracting the women who would know how to appreciate a "good guy." Sometimes the good guys wind up with ppl who have issues with relationships or themselves or who don't know how to recognize that he is one of the good ones.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

from my experience, a lot of "good guys" lack the assertiveness to get what they want... either that, or they turn out to be clingy...

either way, the thing that sets these good guys apart from the playas and whatnot, tend to be confidence and that go-getta attitude.... the good guys that i come across are too quick to want to be my doormat, and i'm instantly turned off if i sense a lack of backbone...

 

[winterinatl]

IA!!!

Plus, these self-proclaimed nice guys usually have some issues that they don't want to accept.

I dated a self-proclaimed nice guy but he was a control freak who didn't want to compromise. We talked about problems when it was good for him. We went according to his schedule because he was "busier" than me or that's how he felt. When I would blow up about it his reply was "You act like I'm beating you or something it's not that big of a deal." He thought that since he wasn't hitting me that he was a nice guy and that's all that mattered.

I hate when guys tell me their nice guys because I can almost guarantee that they have some other issue or they are going to expect me to worship them because they're "nice". You should not have to tell me you're a nice guy show me and let me say it. Just like no guy wants a whiny girl we don't want a whiny guy telling us how nice he is and that girls treat him so bad. If every girls cheats on you then ummm maybe you should figure out what you're doing wrong. My mom always told me if the same thing keeps happening over and over with other people it's not them it's me!

Right. After I hear so many stories about this I really start to wonder: are you really all that nice? Most people, including women, are not evil succubi, and don't set out to hurt men. The guy I'm dating now has shown me some irratating habits that could have easily driven women away. About to drive me away. The thing is, a less scrupulous woman would just let him pay rent and cheat (happened).

But I do agree, there are a lot of scallywags to wade through before you get to mr. or mrs. wonderful.

 

[sunnydaze]

I agree, DLewis.

And I also agree with the other posters too. Just because you aren't a total womanizer or dang near abusive doesn't automatically make you a "good guy." You might have issues, too!!

Maybe the "good guys" aren't really attracting the women who would know how to appreciate a "good guy." Sometimes the good guys wind up with ppl who have issues with relationships or themselves or who don't know how to recognize that he is one of the good ones.

Agreed. I've known "nice guys" who chased after "bad girls" and wonder why things didn't work out.

Also, and I am saying this in a 35 year old way, not 25, alot of "nice guys" don't know how to have a good time. I consider myself a "nice girl" but I like to have fun, travel, drink every blue moon, dance when I feel like it, etc. Nice does not have to equal dull.

 

[bLackButtaFly]

I am so feeling Summer rain, and UM...

There are so many "nice" guys who aren't that nice. Like they may not be extreme, but they have issues. The other thing is we all have issues, and hang ups, and that's why everyone is not for everybody. The OP told her friend the right thing. If he really is a "good" guy then he wouldn't want the women that his cousin is attracting. He needs to wait it out. Love works on no one's time, and most of the time it happens when you are not looking for it at all, at all.

I love real good guys, but I also like fun guys, and make you feel sexy guys, and read a good book guys, and goofy guys, and don't call you 15x a day guys, and cuddly guys, and rub your back guys so I think like everybody you're looking for more than just one thing. There are many aspects to the person, so just hitting one, ain't gonna cut it for me.

 

[Connie]

from my experience, a lot of "good guys" lack the assertiveness to get what they want... either that, or they turn out to be clingy...

either way, the thing that sets these good guys apart from the playas and whatnot, tend to be confidence and that go-getta attitude.... the good guys that i come across are too quick to want to be my doormat, and i'm instantly turned off if i sense a lack of backbone...

ITA! I almost married a guy who damn near worshipped the ground I walked on, but he was extremely clingy and would get all bent out of shape if I mentioned I had plans that didn't include him. However, he wasn't lacking in assertiveness or that 'go-getta' vibe; he just wanted to smother a sister to death. I have to add in the fact that what I felt for him wasn't really love in the sense of being 'in' love with someone, kwim? I dated him because he was nice, and who doesn't want to date a nice guy, right?

Wrong. If being nice was all it took, none of us would ever be 'happily single'.

 

[cocoberry10]

Okay, I’m going to break it down like this: Nice guys finish last, but GOOD guys finish first. There’s a huge difference, and here it is. A nice guy is “nice,” in that he’s polite, pleasant, cordial, respectful, etc. However, often a “nice” guy is hiding his true self, b/c he’s trying to win a woman over. In the beginning, most women will like a “nice” guy b/c he’ll open doors, take you out, call you, bring flowers (those types of gestures). However, after a time, he will begin to show his real personality. If he’s really passive, this will become boring for a woman, b/c as human beings we like some challenge (not dramatic, but just differences of opinion). It’s healthy. Confidence is also attractive and healthy in a man. Or if he’s passive-aggressive, he will begin to make subtle digs or statements at you. Since he’s not “hitting” you, or cheating, he justifies this actually very childish behavior. But it’s not okay. Also, some “nice” guys actually have really low self-esteem and seek out “needy” women they can “save.” I have a guy friend who ruined his credit b/c he bought his “needy” girlfriend a car (even though he didn’t make a lot of money) and when she broke up with him, she kept the car and stopped making the payments. Oh, did I mention, she dumped him for her abusive ex.

On the other hand, I would say I want a “good” guy. It’s not the same as a “nice” guy. A good man will also do the polite things mentioned above, however, he is not afraid to disagree with you. He loves himself and has a life. He is not trying to be your savior, and like a good friend will tell you when you need to be told about yourself. He has a life, and is doing the things he wants to do. I hope this makes sense (I’m at work, and they are watching me today).

I don’t know what category your friend falls under. Feel free to share this with him. Maybe it will help!

 

[cocoberry10]

Also Adequate, did you send your friend to see Tired Black Man? Maybe some of his issues will come out in this movie???

 

[AnnDriena_]

the answwer to the question for me is because "Nice guys" are often wimps in mens clothing. I agree with many of the women here. Nice is not all you need and the "bad boys" seem to know it.

 

[Much2much41]

I would say that if your friend is REALLY a nice guy, then he might want to reflect on his choice of women. If he thinks hard about it, he will probably notice that there was a "red flag" that went up that he ignored that told him these women were selfish or weren't truly what they appeared to be. I'm doing a lot of self-reflection, and I can remember my gut telling me not to do certain things or deal w/a certain guy, and I pushed the feeling aside, because I wanted things to work. I just got my book that was mentioned in another thread called "Secrets of Attraction" that another LHCF user mentioned, and I have to say, my name may as well be somewhere in each chapter I've read so far. Basically, I have to ask myself where is the appreciation of SELF, and focus on projecting that which I want to attract. If he truly wants a good woman, then he has to focus on the energy he himself is sending out. If he wants to know why his relationships don't work, he has to start w/the man in the mirror. HTH

 

[cocoberry10]

I would say that if your friend is REALLY a nice guy, then he might want to reflect on his choice of women. If he thinks hard about it, he will probably notice that there was a "red flag" that went up that he ignored that told him these women were selfish or weren't truly what they appeared to be. I'm doing a lot of self-reflection, and I can remember my gut telling me not to do certain things or deal w/a certain guy, and I pushed the feeling aside, because I wanted things to work. I just got my book that was mentioned in another thread called "Secrets of Attraction" that another LHCF user mentioned, and I have to say, my name may as well be somewhere in each chapter I've read so far. Basically, I have to ask myself where is the appreciation of SELF, and focus on projecting that which I want to attract. If he truly wants a good woman, then he has to focus on the energy he himself is sending out. If he wants to know why his relationships don't work, he has to start w/the man in the mirror. HTH

I totally agree with this. And I go back to the whole nice guy vs. good guy. They are not the same. And adequate, your friend may be a good guy, I’m not sure. I just think that with there being more women than men, it should theoretically be easier for a good man to get a good woman. But in real life, this isn’t the case.