Why Do I Keep Hurting Him?

[taytay86]

Hi ladies, thought I would post this in the Christian forum as well to get some different responses.

After years of mistreatment from the men in my life, it's extremely hard for me to open up and love another. I always expect the worst to happen and find myself pushing him to prove to myself that he is just like the rest. I won't lie, I can be very revengeful at times, and instead of thinking of love (loving your enemy) when I'm hurt, and instantly want to hurt him back, sometimes even taking it steps too far (I read a text message he was having with another woman, and because of the subject matter I just knew he was cheating - so I went out and did it out of spite). I guess you can say its satisfactory to me because now I feel like he knows how I feel. This is isn't normal, and I know it.

He's no Saint, but many times I've done things he would never do mostly because of his personality vs. mine. A lot of the things I do to him, especially when I'm angry he would never do, or at least not to that degree. He's shown me time and time again that he wants us to work - but I was too busy trying to prove to myself that he was a liar just like everyone else so I wouldn't end up getting hurt again. This has obviously put a strain on our relationship - so much so that I feel I'm pushing him away which could lead to me pushing him into the arms of another woman. He is the only one to treat me the way he does, and I should be greatful but instead I become selfish. Even when he does mess up, it's nothing compared to what I've dealt with with previous men.

It hurts me, when I see the end result (me hurting him) even though it feels good in the process. But I never seem to think of "love and kindness" when I'm angry - everyone just becomes a blurr, including him - but it shouldn't be that way if I truly love him. Right?

I know I don't deserve him, and I want to love him unconditionally - but I can't seem to get it right.

 

[kayte]

(I read a text message he was having with another woman, and because of the subject matter I just knew he was cheating - so I went out and did it out of spite). I guess you can say its satisfactory to me because now I feel like he knows how I feel. This is isn't normal, and I know it.

You're taking on a lot, beloved ...on your own and that's why it's overwhelming..and continuing to do so is a guaranteed set-up to fall. This is obviously a troubled relationship......no victims or saints..here.

It sounds like the two of you have a lot to sort out
..trust.which for me is a basic ..and non-negotiable as is the other troubling aspect...fidelity.

First things first. Is your partner involved with another woman/women? Is this an exclusive relationship? Are you involved with the other person? Do you always feel you need to look into his personal effects to get answers instead of just asking him? How open are you? How committed are both of you in the relationship?

Then if you are focusing on his virtues...versus your impulses....and how quickly you are triggered ...instead of the current reality of those questions....then there's more discernment needed ...you don't wanto be in denial and thinking all you need to do is "fix"yourself.

Be still and know that I am God..comes to mind....no one can make a wise decision when
in turmoil...it's even harder to hear our God who can lead you ..we just think we make things happen because our energy must mean something is getting accomplished..but it's just the opposite....chaos.....

please find a quiet place within and without.... to be with.... the Lord...and HIS Word
and a minister..or leader in the church preferably a woman,that you can talk to...

Bottom line...when I am in relationship..I need to check out how easily I am triggered ......some testing goes on sure...but if I am with someone and somehow not my best..but the worst of me keeps emerging...even if it's no one's fault.... I need to suss out how good the relationship is to my soul. No man is worth the loss of my serenity or sanity or spirituality.

Loving some one unconditionally has nothing to do with being with them or not...hence no conditions...it almost feels like you are trying bargain yourself into this utopian unconditional love and acceptance of your guy.....when you do not have that for.............yourself
..unconditional love is not a fix you can desperately try to access to save your relationship..it's only more denial if you believe that..LOVE as God is love,unconditional love is like forgiveness..it is an ongoing evolving.... lifelong process...

there's a lot fear here,tay-tay. "God's Word tells us that Fear and Love cannot coexist and that a healthy relationship is free from fear." Perfect love does not have fear according to The Word
I relate...only too well ..to that,myself.There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.1-john-4:18
If this the one for you... I pray you both work it out

& remember when one partner feels he or she is not good enough for the other person ..it's because they have not realized the value of being good enough for one's
self ........you are enough you are good enough you deserve to love and be loved because CHRIST loved you first

Even when he does mess up, it's nothing compared to what I've dealt with with previous men.

You deserve the BEST girlfriend.don't accept the unacceptable just because it isn't the worst you've had.
I've--been--there---
where I have custom adjusted the pain and behavior barometer so the guy can do what he feels and secure (erroneously) that he doesn't leave me... so I have numbed the intolerable..AND ..he leaves....anyway!!!
We all have our stuff...but figure out what you want...and what you do'nt..instead of only what you are bring or leaving at the table

praying for you

 

[Jenaee]

You're taking on a lot, beloved ...on your own and that's why it's overwhelming..and continuing to do so is a guaranteed set-up to fall. This is obviously a troubled relationship......no victims or saints..here.

It sounds like the two of you have a lot to sort out
..trust.which for me is a basic ..and non-negotiable as is the other troubling aspect...fidelity.

First things first. Is your partner involved with another woman/women? Is this an exclusive relationship? Are you involved with the other person? Do you always feel you need to look into his personal effects to get answers instead of just asking him? How open are you? How committed are both of you in the relationship?

Then if you are focusing on his virtues...versus your impulses....and how quickly you are triggered ...instead of the current reality of those questions....then there's more discernment needed ...you don't wanto be in denial and thinking all you need to do is "fix"yourself.

Be still and know that I am God..comes to mind....no one can make a wise decision when
in turmoil...it's even harder to hear our God who can lead you ..we just think we make things happen because energy must mean something is getting accomplished..but it's just the opposite....chaos.....

please find a quiet place within and without.... to be with.... the Lord...and HIS Word
and a minister..or leader in the church preferably a woman,that you can talk to...

Bottom line...when I am in relationship..I need to check out how easily I am triggered ......some testing goes on sure...but if I am with someone and somehow not my best..but the worst of me keeps emerging...even if it's no one's fault.... I need to suss out how good the relationship is to my soul. No man is worth the loss of my serenity or sanity.

Loving some one unconditionally has nothing to do with being with them or not...hence no conditions...it almost feels like you are trying bargain yourself into this utopian unconditional love and acceptance of your guy.....when you do not have that for.............yourself

If this the one for you... I pray you both work it out

and remember when one partner feels he or she is not good enough for the other person ..it's because they have not realized the value of being good enough for one's
self ........you are enough you are good enough you deserve to love and be loved because CHRIST loved you first

praying for you

Thank you sooooo much for this....I really needed to read this!!

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Taytay - Foxxmami posted your situation over in the relationship forum. I responded over there but I will basically tell you what I told her. I have been in your situation. I think my fear was always "he's gonna leave me" or "I am afraid to see how this relationship develops". I don't think I was mentally thinking this but in my subconscious I created drama because I was/am afraid of what could "be" between me and my SO.
I wanted to hurt him before he hurt me. I was also afraid of being "happy". Its easier being a drama queen instead of enjoying the blessing that God has given me.

I have said some really horrible things to my SO and I am really surprised that he is still with me. Now he's not a saint and has said some rough things to me as well. But I personally did not like those feelings of guilt after our vicious arguments. It was as God was convicting me because I wasn't raised to be so mean and hateful. I got to a place where I wanted to change. I got tired of being mad. I got tired of the tears. I got tired of wondering if he was going to speak to me again because I used my tongue to speak ungodly things to him. I realized that I DO have control over my actions. I control how I react and what gets me upset. Most importantly I stepped back and asked God if this man was really the person that I am supposed to be with? I can't lose my sanity and health over a relationship but I was the cause of 90% of the drama!!!

Basically I had to grow up and realize that relationships aren't all about me. If I have to disrespect my SO with words and actions then clearly we aren't meant to be together. I have really matured these past two years and I realize that my tantrums are only pushing him further from me. I refuse to sabatoge my happiness due to the fact that I am afraid to be HAPPY!!

I took a class at church last month entitled "How not to get upset". When I get home I will give you the scriptures that has helped me control my temper.

 

[taytay86]

Taytay - Foxxmami posted your situation over in the relationship forum. I responded over there but I will basically tell you what I told her. I have been in your situation. I think my fear was always "he's gonna leave me" or "I am afraid to see how this relationship develops". I don't think I was mentally thinking this but in my subconscious I created drama because I was/am afraid of what could "be" between me and my SO.
I wanted to hurt him before he hurt me. I was also afraid of being "happy". Its easier being a drama queen instead of enjoying the blessing that God has given me.

I have said some really horrible things to my SO and I am really surprised that he is still with me. Now he's not a saint and has said some rough things to me as well. But I personally did not like those feelings of guilt after our vicious arguments. It was as God was convicting me because I wasn't raised to be so mean and hateful. I got to a place where I wanted to change. I got tired of being mad. I got tired of the tears. I got tired of wondering if he was going to speak to me again because I used my tongue to speak ungodly things to him. I realized that I DO have control over my actions. I control how I react and what gets me upset. Most importantly I stepped back and asked God if this man was really the person that I am supposed to be with? I can't lose my sanity and health over a relationship but I was the cause of 90% of the drama!!!

Basically I had to grow up and realize that relationships aren't all about me. If I have to disrespect my SO with words and actions then clearly we aren't meant to be together. I have really matured these past two years and I realize that my tantrums are only pushing him further from me. I refuse to sabatoge my happiness due to the fact that I am afraid to be HAPPY!!

I took a class at church last month entitled "How not to get upset". When I get home I will give you the scriptures that has helped me control my temper.

This is great, I would love this thanks so much.

I never realized this, but maybe the issue is happiness. It's true its so easy to cause drama, its so easy to add fuel to the fire instead of outting it. It feels good to get revenge, but if you love the other person hurting them shouldn't even be in your mind. I looked at all my relationships - basically wasted all the goodness on the wrong men, so now with the good one I'm just lazy...

All my life I've been pushing people away - friends, exes. I def need an attitude change but it will take a long time!

 

[song_of_serenity]

I took a class at church last month entitled "How not to get upset". When I get home I will give you the scriptures that has helped me control my temper.

PLEASE pass these on to me as well, because the Devil is TRYING. Your post TOUCHED me because Lord knows the back and forths...Your situation hits home.

Taytay, I'm praying for you.
~*Janelle~*

 

[taytay86]

PLEASE pass these on to me as well, because the Devil is TRYING. Your post TOUCHED me because Lord knows the back and forths...Your situation hits home.

Taytay, I'm praying for you.
~*Janelle~*

Trust me, I know. I've been reading T.D. Jakes The Lady, Her Lover and The Lord and it's really starting to make sense. When I started I was like I'm not broken...I haven't been abused. Truth is, I have. The book doesn't pretain only to those who have been sexually abused, beaten etc. It's for everyday folk like you and I.

Thanks so much for your prayers.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

PART 1

Hi Ladies

Here are my notes from the class that I attended.


Affirmation - "I CHOOSE to abide in a happy place"

1) Take control of your thoughts. Learn to respond and not react.

Passage Philippians 4:8-9
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

2) I ALLOW others to upset me. I let other mess with my peace. Remember in all situations “this too shall pass”.

To love a person you must love them with a Mature Love (Agape Love).

3) You MUST TAKE CONTROL of your emotions. Bad emotions destroy peace in your home and all relationships. When you begin to get upset – count your blessing. Think “it’s not worth it”.

4) Depression – you won’t get depressed over a situation if you focus on the RIGHT things. Don’t focus on the negative. Don’t develop unforgiveness in your heart. Unforgiveness acts as a poison and will destroy what you are trying to build. If you have lost control in a situation you have to begin to take your control BACK.

5) How do I take my control back? Make a habit of responding in the right way.
Response techniques:
- Really think about what has made you upset (quick to hear but slow to speak)
- Responses should always be made in love


1st Corinthians 10:12-13
12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
2nd Corinthians 10:3-5
3 We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. 4 [a]We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 5 We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 6 And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Part 2

6) What does being upset do? Being upset doesn’t change anything. Being upset shows out children how to react. There is a difference between response and reaction

We have to TRAIN ourselves to think and respond. Not react.

7) We have to TRAIN our emotions and make it a habit to respond in the right way. This is a process and takes time to acquire. Resist temptation to get upset and you will become stronger in your responses. If you are able to deal with things on a small scale & you will be able to handle bigger things.

Galatians 5:22
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Always keep the big picture in mind:
• Peace in my home
• Peace in my family
• Peace in my relationships
I am not rules by my hormones (PMS and PPMD). Walk in the spirit and NOT the flesh.

If a person says “I am feisty by nature” – Its not wisdom to speak everything on your mind. You don’t always have to make your point!

Can We Move Past a bad period in our relationship?

• Men need to be respected! U give a man love and he will love you back.
• We as women get impatient and want things now! It takes a man to react and see
a change in us.
• Men do not want to be want to be married to their mother.
• Realize that this is not all about you.
• Realize men can get hurt too.
• Do the two people really want to make it work?
• Pray about the man and the relationship
• LET THE PEACE OF GOD RULE YOU

 

[taytay86]

Thanks so much!

I took a conflict resolution class at my work a few months ago, and should relly review it and apply it to my relationship. I spoke with my SO about the issues, and told him it will take time for me to master the art of loving in the heat of madness, kindness, peace all that good stuff. I am so use to pushing people away when things don't work, rather than working them out which is what I have to do here.