Why do guys stop calling?

[ALWAYZL8]

I made a couple of posts to another thread about the guys who return after you let them go and it got me to thinking more about my situation. This year alone I've had four guys just drop me without warning. I never know the reason why, but we don't get past the third or fourth date. I used to think that maybe I was moving too slow, but I wonder if that is really it. I was really feeling the last guy and he seemed to be into me, but he just stopped communication altogether. I'm sitting here wondering and trying to figure out what happened.Sometimes they call back a couple of weeks later and sometimes they don't. I haven't heard from one of them since our last date in August. My question is this: why do guys I let into my life keep doing that? Do you really have to sleep with them right away to keep their interest? I'm not on a quest for a pity party, but I'm really clueless about my situation.

 

[MizzBrown]

Nothing is wrong with you. He's "just not that into you". Have you seen that "Sex And The City" episode about the women wondering why men just suddenly stop calling or dont want to come in for drinks when the date is over? He's just not that into you.

From that episode, the writers wrote a book by Greg Behrendt titled "He's Just Not That Into You". Really good book that answered the same questions you were asking and gave me insight on how guys REALLY think. Also helps to have male friends who can give you the low down on what they really think. I have learned so much from having male friends who werent afraid to tell me the truth about women and sex and dating.

Its a learning experience. That's why they call it "dating". Its cut and dry. If they were into you, they would call. Simple as that. No analyzing. You dodged a bullet. Keep it moving. Read the book.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Nothing is wrong with you. He's "just not that into you". Have you seen that "Sex And The City" episode about the women wondering why men just suddenly stop calling or dont want to come in for drinks when the date is over? He's just not that into you.

From that episode, the writers wrote a book by Greg Behrendt titled "He's Just Not That Into You". Really good book that answered the same questions you were asking and gave me insight on how guys REALLY think. Also helps to have male friends who can give you the low down on what they really think. I have learned so much from having male friends who werent afraid to tell me the truth about women and sex and dating.

Its a learning experience. That's why they call it "dating". Its cut and dry. If they were into you, they would call. Simple as that. No analyzing. You dodged a bullet. Keep it moving. Read the book.

ITA with the above. And, get that book girl!

 

[Much2much41]

Nothing is wrong with you. He's "just not that into you". Have you seen that "Sex And The City" episode about the women wondering why men just suddenly stop calling or dont want to come in for drinks when the date is over? He's just not that into you.

From that episode, the writers wrote a book by Greg Behrendt titled "He's Just Not That Into You". Really good book that answered the same questions you were asking and gave me insight on how guys REALLY think. Also helps to have male friends who can give you the low down on what they really think. I have learned so much from having male friends who werent afraid to tell me the truth about women and sex and dating.

Its a learning experience. That's why they call it "dating". Its cut and dry. If they were into you, they would call. Simple as that. No analyzing. You dodged a bullet. Keep it moving. Read the book.

No offense, but I'm not a big fan of that book. It's a "fun" read, but there is more to it. It's true what they are saying to some extent, but it doesn't answer the WHOLE question. It's really not as cut and dry as it's made out to be. It leaves a woman hurt, and wondering WHY he's not into her. Why lose a lot of time constantly dating if the same thing continues to happen when she can find out what is causing them to "disappear". That sets a woman up for hopelessness. If a woman is continually attracting the same man in a different suit, the common denominator is the woman. On some level, she may not be as "available" as she believes she is, she could be giving off an aura of "neediness", or it could be something else. There are many self help books out there that can get to the source of the problem: In the Meantime-by Iyanla Vanzant, You Can Heal Your Life-by Louise Hay, and others. JMHO

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

No offense, but I'm not a big fan of that book. It's a "fun" read, but there is more to it. It's true what they are saying to some extent, but it doesn't answer the WHOLE question. It's really not as cut and dry as it's made out to be. It leaves a woman hurt, and wondering WHY he's not into her. Why lose a lot of time constantly dating if the same thing continues to happen when she can find out what is causing them to "disappear". That sets a woman up for hopelessness. If a woman is continually attracting the same man in a different suit, the common denominator is the woman. On some level, she may not be as "available" as she believes she is, she could be giving off an aura of "neediness", or it could be something else. There are many self help books out there that can get to the source of the problem: In the Meantime-by Iyanla Vanzant, You Can Heal Your Life-by Louise Hay, and others. JMHO

I haven't read Iyanla's books yet. You raise a good point though, especially the bolded. Thanks for the recommendation.

 

[MizzBrown]

Also True Much 2 Much. "To Change What You've Been Getting, You Have To Change What You Have Been Doing" If you are the constant and the men are the variable and u get the same results then it is the woman. You got to able to decipher whos just not that into you or if its YOU.

I did change my approach in certain areas of dating and relationships which helped to avoid the 123 strikeout dates but people are just people IMHO. Sometimes people are just finicky like that.

The book did teach me to just "get the hell over it" and once I did that, someone nicer and better came around. And then I realized that i do the SAME thing. I have not bothered to call back for minor reasons like, not liking how he acted on the 3rd date or not liking how he talked to me on the 6th phone conversation, or finding out on the 4th date that he lied about something that I thought was a little off. It's trial and error. Not everyone gets their true love on the first try.

 

[VelvetRain]

I read excerpts of that book in barnes and nobles when it came out and recieved alot of hoopla and attention. Save your money girl. What's in that book is just really common sense and knowledge you already have.

 

[dlewis]

No offense, but I'm not a big fan of that book. It's a "fun" read, but there is more to it. It's true what they are saying to some extent, but it doesn't answer the WHOLE question. It's really not as cut and dry as it's made out to be. It leaves a woman hurt, and wondering WHY he's not into her. Why lose a lot of time constantly dating if the same thing continues to happen when she can find out what is causing them to "disappear". That sets a woman up for hopelessness. If a woman is continually attracting the same man in a different suit, the common denominator is the woman. On some level, she may not be as "available" as she believes she is, she could be giving off an aura of "neediness", or it could be something else. There are many self help books out there that can get to the source of the problem: In the Meantime-by Iyanla Vanzant, You Can Heal Your Life-by Louise Hay, and others. JMHO

I agree with most of this post. Having met you, I know that you are very appoachable, sweet, and wifely like. I wondering what's going on to. Is this something that recently started or has this always been what has happened? Could it be that these are the only type of guys you are attracted to?

 

[lexi08]

I agree with most of this post. Having met you, I know that you are very appoachable, sweet, and wifely like. I wondering what's going on to. Is this something that recently started or has this always been what has happened? Could it be that these are the only type of guys you are attracted to?

Interesting you mentioned this. Unfortunately some men don't stick around if you are the approachable, sweet, wifely type because they feel you would want a commitment or marriage. I am finding alot of men these days just don't want to commit to one woman. I figured this out after years of dating on and off and being single in addition to examining my own persons issues. I have also had men stop dating/talking and admitting this as the reason wayyyyy later. I have just learned to keep it moving.

 

[Bunny77]

Interesting you mentioned this. Unfortunately some men don't stick around if you are the approachable, sweet, wifely type because they feel you would want a commitment or marriage. I am finding alot of men these days just don't want to commit to one woman. I figured this out after years of dating on and off and being single in addition to examining my own persons issues. I have also had men stop dating/talking and admitting this as the reason wayyyyy later. I have just learned to keep it moving.

You know, I agree with everyone! (Is that possible?)

Sometimes, it is as simple as "He's Just Not That Into You." Sometimes, it's something we might be subconsciously doing. Other times, we're doing nothing at all, and they still bounce.

This happened to me TWICE this summer and I was like, Honestly, I think the key element was that neither guy wanted commitment -- they really flat out told me that from the beginning in subtle ways, but I didn't listen.

What I try to do now is find out as much as possible about their intentions VERY early in the game. I mean, don't say, "Do you want to get married and have kids" on the first date... but just kinda get a feel for what he's saying.

One guy I dated this summer said he wanted to pursue a natural health career, but there were no colleges in Michigan that offered degrees so he'd have to move to Arizona next fall. So I'm thinking, uh... so what would that mean for me?

See, pick up those little clues, ask those little questions, do the things to see where their minds might be and if they just want to date for fun, or for something more serious!

 

[MzLady78]

Cause he's not really feeling you and he's too much of a punk *** to tell you upfront.

(Can you tell I'm not liking men too much right now )

 

[ALWAYZL8]

I agree with most of this post. Having met you, I know that you are very appoachable, sweet, and wifely like. I wondering what's going on to. Is this something that recently started or has this always been what has happened? Could it be that these are the only type of guys you are attracted to?

I think DLewis has me figured out. I have a couple of guy friends who tell me the same thing all of the time. I thought I found a way around it by taking it slow. I don't ask relationship questions...I let them ask me. When they ask me what I want, I simply tell them that whatever happens...happens. If I meet a guy and we vibe, then we will see where it goes. I didn't say I want to be married to you in two years with a kid on the way a year after that. However, I'm wondering if this is what they pick up from me. Maybe I keep attracting unavailable men. The last one has been divorced less than a year. I also had dinner with a guy who griped about his ex-wife for two hours straight. I'm glad my salad was off the chain. He still owes me $300 bucks for that counseling session!!!!

 

[caribgirl]

Perhaps they are waiting for you to show a bit more interest. Perhaps they feel that you are not feeling them. Do you tend to be reserved around them? How we ladies are with our friends is totally different than when we are around the opposite sex with whom we are attracted to. I know that I may not want to appear desperate and I am reserved with my attraction. Just wondering?

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Caribgirl...that is exactly how I am. In order to avoid making them feel like I am trying to tie them down, I play it cool.

 

[dlewis]

Maybe the approach is wrong. I tend to be very honest with how I feel and what I want and say it.

If I wanted to be married I would be very honest saying that's what I want. And then maybe you'll attract the type of guy that won't stop calling. IDK how to say what I'm thinking. But instead of saying "whatever happens...happens" say "I want to be married in two years with a kid on the way a year after that".

But I'm not the best example for stuff like that.

 

[MzLady78]

Maybe the approach is wrong. I tend to be very honest with how I feel and what I want and say it.

If I wanted to be married I would be very honest saying that's what I want. And then maybe you'll attract the type of guy that won't stop calling. IDK how to say what I'm thinking. But instead of saying "whatever happens...happens" say "I want to be married in two years with a kid on the way a year after that".

But I'm not the best example for stuff like that.

I'm the same way.

I'm not really good at the "game playing" that comes along with dating. I don't like that fact that if I'm being straight up and tell a dude I'm feeling him, I gotta worry that he's gonna try to use that to his advantage or in some cases get scared and start to step back. Like damn, man- I didn't say I want to marry your ***, I just said I like you.

 

[Vanity1]

Maybe the approach is wrong. I tend to be very honest with how I feel and what I want and say it.

If I wanted to be married I would be very honest saying that's what I want. And then maybe you'll attract the type of guy that won't stop calling. IDK how to say what I'm thinking. But instead of saying "whatever happens...happens" say "I want to be married in two years with a kid on the way a year after that".

But I'm not the best example for stuff like that.

Right....cause I am itching to put my little two cents in, and I KNOW my method is not the "favorable" one.

When I was dating, I was just "me". I didn't try to sugar coat who I was for no man. And I think that is how I weeded out all of the deadbeats. And you know what, I really never had to tell a guy that my ultimate goal was to get married. I think they had the feeling of this through conversations and how I carried myself.

Alot of women are great catches, and I think sometime we find our self getting caught up in "what is wrong with me" when there really is nothing wrong with you. Most guys just sense you are not easy, so they will either dip out or try to just "be your friend".

I just never had that much headache when I was dating because I really never read too much into everything. If a guy stopped calling me, I would keep it trucking. It is his loss.

I think as long as you are not making yourself too availible to a guy, then the rest is up to him. He will either pursue you or he won't.


BTW, Alwayz, you are a great catch and I know some successful, handsome, childless men who are looking to settle down. Call me if you are having anymore problems.

 

[dlewis]

yea Vanity, I'm learning something new with the daily words.

So, the question should be, how do I attract the type of men that meet my needs? Because it seems like you are attracting the wrong type. I agree with Vanity, you are a great catch, and so is Mzlady and alot of other women.

So my question is why can't a great woman get a great man? I mean get him, on the way to the altar type thing.

 

[ChasingBliss]

No offense, but I'm not a big fan of that book. It's a "fun" read, but there is more to it. It's true what they are saying to some extent, but it doesn't answer the WHOLE question. It's really not as cut and dry as it's made out to be. It leaves a woman hurt, and wondering WHY he's not into her. Why lose a lot of time constantly dating if the same thing continues to happen when she can find out what is causing them to "disappear". That sets a woman up for hopelessness. If a woman is continually attracting the same man in a different suit, the common denominator is the woman. On some level, she may not be as "available" as she believes she is, she could be giving off an aura of "neediness", or it could be something else. There are many self help books out there that can get to the source of the problem: In the Meantime-by Iyanla Vanzant, You Can Heal Your Life-by Louise Hay, and others. JMHO

You are so on point with this, imo. I couldnt have put it any better.

 

[Vanity1]

yea Vanity, I'm learning something new with the daily words.

So, the question should be, how do I attract the type of men that meet my needs? Because it seems like you are attracting the wrong type. I agree with Vanity, you are a great catch, and so is Mzlady and alot of other women.

So my question is why can't a great woman get a great man? I mean get him, on the way to the altar type thing.

I thought I would help exercise our brains a little bit. I learn a new word each day to expand my vocabulary for a while now, and I thought I would share the knowledge.


As far as the men stuff goes, men have it so easy when it comes to dating. I mean, why commit when you have an excess of women willing to do any and everything for you without having to work for it? There are not a lot of men who are in a rush to settle down with a woman, because he doesn't have to.

If a guy sees he will have to put in some work and that is not what his intentions are, he will move on.

If a guy stops calling, I would consider he is doing you a favor, so you won't be wasting your time wondering what is wrong with you all of the time.

 

[Bunny77]

I think DLewis has me figured out. I have a couple of guy friends who tell me the same thing all of the time. I thought I found a way around it by taking it slow. I don't ask relationship questions...I let them ask me. When they ask me what I want, I simply tell them that whatever happens...happens. If I meet a guy and we vibe, then we will see where it goes. I didn't say I want to be married to you in two years with a kid on the way a year after that. However, I'm wondering if this is what they pick up from me. Maybe I keep attracting unavailable men. The last one has been divorced less than a year. I also had dinner with a guy who griped about his ex-wife for two hours straight. I'm glad my salad was off the chain. He still owes me $300 bucks for that counseling session!!!!

I think you're my twin.

I went through the same thing, right down to the "whatever happens, happens," statement. When they'd ask me about my future, I'd say something vague like, "Sure, I'd like to be married and have kids someday, but I'm not in a rush."

While I'm not in a rush, I know that I was really saying that to not scare the guy away. But really, all that did was keep unavailable men around me... because they would think, "Okay cool, I can kick it with her with no strings attached," but then when they saw through my behavior that I wanted more than friends with benefits/whatever, they backed off.

I just need to say from jump what I'm looking for so that I can weed out the unvailable men immediately.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Bunny, yep...we're twins!

 

[SweetCaramel1]

Nothing is wrong with you. He's "just not that into you". Have you seen that "Sex And The City" episode about the women wondering why men just suddenly stop calling or dont want to come in for drinks when the date is over? He's just not that into you.

i agree and it goes both ways. dating is just a way of getting to know that person not a commitment.

be happy that they didn't call back. once you find someone that's in to you you'll have a hard time getting rid of them. and NO you don't have to have sex with a person to keep them coming back for more.

 

[tatje]

I believe a guy could stop calling for a number of reasons........the main one being he is not into you, the other one.....he has been arrested/went to jail.........his real woman or girlfriend is back from where she was from.

I know these reasons because they happened to my friend.

 

[FlowerHair]

i agree and it goes both ways. dating is just a way of getting to know that person not a commitment.

be happy that they didn't call back. once you find someone that's in to you you'll have a hard time getting rid of them. and NO you don't have to have sex with a person to keep them coming back for more.

I agree with this. Someone on this board wrote "Rejection is God's protection". I like that and I think it's true in a way. Whenever someone is not committed enough to even call you, you don't want him in your life anyway.

 

[ccd]

WOw great advice ladies!!!

OP don't fret cause they ain't callin.... usually that means they aren't that interested and it's NOT you....it's THEM; what they want they know you ain't givin so its best that they move it....so your real "love" can enter you life. They may have other women doin' crazy *ish to keep them interested....don't stoop to that, it doesn't pay


I have been in your position and felt horrible about myself and had to try hard to keep positive, pray and focus on myself.......enrich myself....
but really...its a blessing in disguise/....some of those flakes may even come back and forth.....( that's another variation on that *ish) and for me....in the end HE Definitely was not the person for me.

Its hard out here ( I think) being single, successful in your life and some of these dudes can't handle it...... Keep smilin', you are a jem!!!

 

[FeelinIt]

Right....cause I am itching to put my little two cents in, and I KNOW my method is not the "favorable" one.

When I was dating, I was just "me". I didn't try to sugar coat who I was for no man. And I think that is how I weeded out all of the deadbeats. And you know what, I really never had to tell a guy that my ultimate goal was to get married. I think they had the feeling of this through conversations and how I carried myself.

Alot of women are great catches, and I think sometime we find our self getting caught up in "what is wrong with me" when there really is nothing wrong with you. Most guys just sense you are not easy, so they will either dip out or try to just "be your friend".

I just never had that much headache when I was dating because I really never read too much into everything. If a guy stopped calling me, I would keep it trucking. It is his loss.

I think as long as you are not making yourself too availible to a guy, then the rest is up to him. He will either pursue you or he won't.


BTW, Alwayz, you are a great catch and I know some successful, handsome, childless men who are looking to settle down. Call me if you are having anymore problems.

I like your method. This is how I am now (although I haven't had a date in years). If a guy stops calling, it is water off of my back. I think the years of hurt I have been through have made me tough. Now it's like nothing compared to what I've been through.

Be YOURSELF!! If a dude asks, what do you want in a relationship, tell him you are looking to be in a committed relationship that eventually leads to marriage.

If he asks you what you want from him, tell him, right now I'm looking to get to know you as a person and we will see where it goes from there.

Keep it light and simple. Your dating experience should flow and be natural. You shouldn't have to think about whether you did or said or ordered the wrong thing.

BLAH!

 

[glamazon386]

They're interested in somebody else. Men will ignore you real good... with another woman.

 

[paco43]

I have experienced situations similar to what you describe. It is to your advantage that you don't hear from those who are not interested enough to put forth effort for you. Where you guys left off is probably as deep as that man was able to get in a relationship at this time. I once ran into a guy who had "stopped calling" me. This man took the time to explain himself to me, he actually told me that by my conversation he realized that I was not "that kind of girl" so he backed off. You don't know what you have been spared from. Just Thank God and keep moving forward

 

[ALWAYZL8]

All of you are on point. I'll accept it as a blessing and keep it moving. I've met so many frogs that it is just really hard to accept rejection when it is a guy that has plenty of qualities that you like. I mean he wasn't pushy, he was polite, and we had so much in common. He kept me laughing and I actually felt comfortable around him. This is why I think I'm so disappointed. When the other frogs stopped calling...it didn't bother me so much. I wondered what happened, but I kept it moving because I had a bad feeling about them anyway. This time it was just a bit different because I thought this was going to go somewhere. I guess it is better that he quit calling now rather than a year from now.