When You're Just Too Independent!
- Thread starter PrissiSippi
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bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
I missed my mark this weekend
He offered to pay for my Uber to work this weekend and I said no. Here were the thoughts that came to mind:
While I've improved in this area of dating, I still need to remember to surrender and I'm way more aware of this issue.
- Why not just take the bus because it's cheaper
- I should have woken up earlier and given myself enough time to take the bus as planned (maybe subconsciously punishing myself?)
- I didn't want to be a burden
To your points @sweetvi sometimes I have to check myself on the initiation of calls and dates. However, I tend to default to him for very unhealthy reasons. I'm scared that he won't pick up for whatever reason, unavailable for a particular date and time etc. and I HATE when people don't respond to my calls or texts ASAP. Mind you, after the years of being together that has never been an issue lol. But yet, I'm still scared.
I also noticed that this pattern makes me feel like I'm waiting on HIM when I also want to initiate. So I think for me, the healthy balance is to call when I want to call or initiate an activity when I want to but not all the time. Confession over.
For example, he mentioned going away for a long weekend before thanksgiving. I said cool and started researching where I'd want to go but I never told him. He still has no idea I already know what state I want to go go lol. He reminded me this am. The only thing is that he's a late planner so if I wait on him to make plans, we'd be paying higher priced hotels, plane tix and cars etc.
Not we paying, HE paying. If it's a Dutch vacation then go on ahead and say something about booking dates otherwise let his pockets deal with his last minute planning.
Tolle
Team Fluid
You meant HE would be paying more for his procrastination.
Maybe you could remind him "Hey babe, you better get a move on our trip so that you're not paying ridiculous rates for our flight.."
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
You meant HE would be paying more for his procrastination.
Maybe you could remind him "Hey babe, you better get a move on our trip so that you're not paying ridiculous rates for our flight.."
I agree. He brought it up (INITIATED) so let him do the organizing (PLANNING)
Fine 4s
Well-Known Member
Yes, I noticed that in the article.
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
Girl! Lol. I am too.... I recognize it and am trying to change. Im practicing on this new guy and its hard!! I havent called in 3 days and I know he's waiting on me... I didn't realize how much I used to initiate or take the reigns if they were moving too slow. Not bashing you..this is for all of us!
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
My coworker (guy) offered to pay for my food the other day and I didn't refuse this time!
luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
Well and perfectly stated.I don't need a "man" to do anything for me, either. But I do need my parents, or mentors, or strangers, or help otherwise, in some form, from someone. We're not just out here literally doing everything on our own. We have people in our corner, that's why we're so successful.
The question is never "can I do this myself?". That is irrelevant. Duh. Let's not waste our time wondering if I can do/pay for something. Like come on now. I'm an adult human successfully navigating life. I can do any and everything, just like everyone else, if they had to. No. The question is "what can you do for me?"
If someone wants to do something for me/give me something...here is my account number/this is where you can reach me. I don't turn down help from loved ones. The hayle? You do it for me, so I don't have to and can focus on something else? You pay for it, so I can spend my money on something else? You never have to ask me...that's a stupid question
You want to leverage all of your resources, including your human capital. Makes things easier for you. Less stress. Less thinking about those things, so you can think about other things.
Oh crap. Yea idk about the feminine thing lol. But...you should let people help you...just because that's what successful people do.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
I wanted to post this in the Single Ladies thread but it is more relevant here.
Lee and I were out and about yesterday - he had an errand to run, asked me to join him. So we stopped by Chik Fila. And I forgot my training. We aren't dating- he is trying but I am still thinking about what I want. So I ordered food for me and my son.... and almost paid for it- he stopped me and called me Ms. Independent in a joking way while paying for my food. Then here I am carrying my food to the car and he is yelling at me that he should be carrying everything. (We got like 3 bags plus drinks).
Now I felt some type a way. I know he wasn't doing it to be mean but the Independent thing bothered me for a bit because that is the very same thing I am trying to away back from.
I guess I felt like because we aren't together, I don't expect him to pay for my stuff. But as a number of women here have mentioned- whenever they are with a man, dating him or not, they don't pay for anything. Still have a lot of work to do until this is cemented in my brain.
Lee and I were out and about yesterday - he had an errand to run, asked me to join him. So we stopped by Chik Fila. And I forgot my training. We aren't dating- he is trying but I am still thinking about what I want. So I ordered food for me and my son.... and almost paid for it- he stopped me and called me Ms. Independent in a joking way while paying for my food. Then here I am carrying my food to the car and he is yelling at me that he should be carrying everything. (We got like 3 bags plus drinks).
Now I felt some type a way. I know he wasn't doing it to be mean but the Independent thing bothered me for a bit because that is the very same thing I am trying to away back from.
I guess I felt like because we aren't together, I don't expect him to pay for my stuff. But as a number of women here have mentioned- whenever they are with a man, dating him or not, they don't pay for anything. Still have a lot of work to do until this is cemented in my brain.
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happycakes
Well-Known Member
A lot of women do this and it makes the men lazy. Most men don't get the chance to hunt anymore, they wait for women to tell them what to do.
I say let them hunt!
I say let them hunt!
Holla
Well-Known Member
This.
The only tidbit I'll add is that independent women are stressed. Every woman I know who has the automatic "I got it" response is STRESSED! It shows when she will complain about how much is on her plate because adulthood involves a lot of work and responsibilities. Things go wrong (as they always will) and those are times when she will be even more stressed and enumerate all that she has to do.
Don't be that woman. Take help when offered.
The only tidbit I'll add is that independent women are stressed. Every woman I know who has the automatic "I got it" response is STRESSED! It shows when she will complain about how much is on her plate because adulthood involves a lot of work and responsibilities. Things go wrong (as they always will) and those are times when she will be even more stressed and enumerate all that she has to do.
Don't be that woman. Take help when offered.
You can be feminine and independent but still want a man who likes to provide. I think a problem arises when guys see your independence as an excuse to be lazy - a way out of being chivalrous, romantic or supportive.
I've had guys tell me they love that I'm independent and we didn't last long because they're searching for women who are caught up in being Ms. Independent, don't need a man, can buy my drinks and yours too (or in extreme cases, can pay my bills and yours too).
That's not me and I've been very disappointed in how lazy men can be when they think you have so much going for yourself that they can just show up for a good time. No gift on my b-day, no gift or flowers for Valentine's Day, one guy actually made plans for how we would spend my money. They gave the same excuses: well you don't seem like you need anybody or I didn't think you cared about things like that.
If I put in work to provide myself with the best, why would I be with a man who thinks he can do next to nothing?
Generally, your expectations and mentioning what you like should be enough. I've learned to move on if a guy is going on about gold diggers, questioning why he should provide or I have to demand things. That's a permanent tug-of-war and I'm not interested. I've always wanted to work as an option, not a necessity to keep the family afloat.
Tips:
I'm sure hopeful and lux have some great input, maybe tag them.
- Be upfront about what you want/expect (this is really the beginning and the end, right?)
- When making a request, approach a man from the side, not head on because they see face to face convo as confrontational. I read that somewhere and it really works. Also, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
- Not you Priss, but for singles, be willing to cut your losses. If someone told me what they weren't going to tolerate but still let me in their space then I'd keep acting stupid too.
- Don't set the tone for being a roommate or Ms. 50/50 by picking up the tab or splitting expenses to impress him/win him over.
- Don't refuse help. He wants to fill up the gas tank and wash the car? He wants to take over a bill or take you shopping just because? Simply say thank you, not "oh, I got it babe". Matter of fact, throw "I got it" out of your vocabulary. And don't criticize small things. I might like Tysons Corner better than Montgomery Mall, but I know how to keep my mouth shut when that money is flowing.
- Show appreciation/give praise. Men really are like children looking for their gold star, lol.
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movingforward13
I do what I want...
Whether or not I want to give things another try. Its a personal decision for me that I am weighing through while dating others.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Sorry- missed this post. It has been months- we have gone in and out of contact. Weeks when we don't speak and I am off doing other stuff but he finds his way back...
New ones--- hmmmmmmm not really a lot of new ones. One thing I need to do is get offline- even though it is so easy. I have had a few dates- just not interested/attracted (physically/mentally).
Someone from the past came back into the picture. I see him more as a friend now but he is expressing more and some regret for our past. Still evaluating what I want to do there. Not sure if I want to give that another go... think my feelings ran out in that area so I couldn't take him seriously.
I think it is going to come down to effort. I can find reasons for or against anyone right now. I just want the right person for me. Someone who gets me and understands how intense I can be at time, doesn't mind my deep conversations and probing questions and is willing to reflect on his life openly. I am working on myself dating wise but at this age, I know I am set in some of my ways so I just want to find someone compatible with that. I am posting in the Single Ladies forum.
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