When Your "Type" Isn't the Right Choice...

[DivineNapps1728]

What do you do?

My "type" is tall, with pretty eyes, broad shoulders, a sense of humor, passionate, with an air of mystery & inner turmoil; they tend to be a bad boy type who's turned over a new leaf.

I believe I go for the disgruntled dude cause connecting on a level where I can help him & him I while we grow together gives me a sense of fulfillment. Problem is I get tired of being my SO's saving grace one hundred percent of the time. On the other hand if I don't feel like I have anything to offer a guy I'm dating as far as help/support/etc I feel like a plaything not a mate.

My question is what's a happy medium between strickly dating your "type" and going for someone you'd never be into just for the heck of it?

I don't want to feel like I'm in the same relationship with the next guy as I was was with the last, but I'm not up for dating whoever just because.

Strangely enough I don't primarily "attract" my type. I attract older men who are more settled, but they scare me because I'm young and un-established or young dudes who seek a challenge.

 

[chocolatechiq]

Does "bad boy" = "disgruntled dude"? Just wondering.

I believe I go for the disgruntled dude cause connecting on a level where I can help him & him I while we grow together gives me a sense of fulfillment. Problem is I get tired of being my SO's saving grace one hundred percent of the time. On the other hand if I don't feel like I have anything to offer a guy I'm dating as far as help/support/etc I feel like a plaything not a mate.

Seems like you like fixer-uppers. IMO (not that you asked or anything, just wanted to comment), choosing those type of guys has alot more to do with how you feel about your own life...you would probably have alot more success with relationships if you applied that "fixin" energy to yourself.

My question is what's a happy medium between strickly dating your "type" and going for someone you'd never be into just for the heck of it?

It really depends. Personally, I like to stick with my type, however some ladies get involved with men who are not their type when going after their type isn't working for them.

 

[blkbeauty]

I like variety and have dated such. Physically, all my past SO or men I have dated were diffent sizes, height, color and I've also dated IR. Personalities has also arranged from being laid-back to adventurous. However, I have noticed one trend in all my SO's that they all have these unusual traits about them that stick out amongst others. Nevertheless, I try to choose mates based on the character not personality.

 

[poetist]

On the other hand if I don't feel like I have anything to offer a guy I'm dating as far as help/support/etc I feel like a plaything not a mate

I don't believe in dating someone "just for the heck of it" but I also think that we need to question why we find ourselves falling for certain "types" especially if it doesn't end in our feeling fulfilled. Over my life, the types of guys that I've ben attracted to have changed, but when I was younger and found myself being attracted to only "bad boys" I had to really question what it was about myself that caused me to chopse those guys.

I don't think your issue is about the physical attraction, it's the emotional part that seems to be the "issue." I think you need to take some time to figure out why you don't feel you have anything more to offer a guy who you date except for "help and support." It's fine to offer those qualities, but if you don't feel complete unless a guy has some issue or inner turmoil that you can resolve, then you need to look into that. You can still date someone who you are physically attracted to, who is funny and passionate but loves and appreciates you for being something other than their "saving grace." You just need to take some time to find and develop some other qualities about yourself that will be more conducive to healthier relationships.

 

[Puddles]

I thought "my" type was the right choice......but God told me I was wrong.

I married totally far away from "my" type. And all is Good.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

Does "bad boy" = "disgruntled dude"? Just wondering.

I believe I go for the disgruntled dude cause connecting on a level where I can help him & him I while we grow together gives me a sense of fulfillment. Problem is I get tired of being my SO's saving grace one hundred percent of the time. On the other hand if I don't feel like I have anything to offer a guy I'm dating as far as help/support/etc I feel like a plaything not a mate.

Seems like you like fixer-uppers. IMO (not that you asked or anything, just wanted to comment), choosing those type of guys has alot more to do with how you feel about your own life...you would probably have alot more success with relationships if you applied that "fixin" energy to yourself.

My question is what's a happy medium between strickly dating your "type" and going for someone you'd never be into just for the heck of it?

It really depends. Personally, I like to stick with my type, however some ladies get involved with men who are not their type when going after their type isn't working for them.

I see what you're saying & it makes sense; back in the day I was a young mess, but I've grown alot and don't look to the person I'm dating for constant validation, etc. Maybe iss just the innate desire I have to help people that draws me to that type of guy.

Maybe I should re-evaluate my type because I've changed so much over the last couple years. Maybe I still have something in me I've left un-addressed and need to rectify.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

I like variety and have dated such. Physically, all my past SO or men I have dated were diffent sizes, height, color and I've also dated IR. Personalities has also arranged from being laid-back to adventurous. However, I have noticed one trend in all my SO's that they all have these unusual traits about them that stick out amongst others. Nevertheless, I try to choose mates based on the character not personality.

Very cool; variety helps one to find what they like & don't like much faster than going after the same thing over & over again. My SO's all had more going on under the surface than they let on & I loved that about them; I have many layers so I like to interact with people who are multi-dimensional

 

[DivineNapps1728]

I don't believe in dating someone "just for the heck of it" but I also think that we need to question why we find ourselves falling for certain "types" especially if it doesn't end in our feeling fulfilled. Over my life, the types of guys that I've ben attracted to have changed, but when I was younger and found myself being attracted to only "bad boys" I had to really question what it was about myself that caused me to chopse those guys.

I don't think your issue is about the physical attraction, it's the emotional part that seems to be the "issue." I think you need to take some time to figure out why you don't feel you have anything more to offer a guy who you date except for "help and support." It's fine to offer those qualities, but if you don't feel complete unless a guy has some issue or inner turmoil that you can resolve, then you need to look into that. You can still date someone who you are physically attracted to, who is funny and passionate but loves and appreciates you for being something other than their "saving grace." You just need to take some time to find and develop some other qualities about yourself that will be more conducive to healthier relationships.

I don't feel that all I have to offer is help & support I just used those as examples; I have to work on completing thoughts when posting threads lol. What I meant to imply is that if I'm dating a guy and we're not doing anything positive for one another, if I feel as if I'm being used, not respected/valued I'm not for that relationship because it's un-healthy. Likewise if all he can give me is a headache I'm not for it.

Again I'm thinking my type is outdated. I need to sit down and re-evaluate myself and the individual that will best compliment me in my current state. I'm no longer a child, what I expect has changed so what I seek needs to make a shift

 

[DivineNapps1728]

I thought "my" type was the right choice......but God told me I was wrong.

I married totally far away from "my" type. And all is Good.

I don't see myself marrying my "type" either...that's kind of hilarious. I'm happy everything worked out for your good however.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

I think I've just had an omen...I need to avoid my "type" if I want to move forward as far as relationships go. Sticking with "broken cargo" allows me to take the lead; no one can pull me down if I have the upperhand, but only a fool can't take direction.

This brings about another dilemma...the "strong" guys I've dated were domineering in a stone age type of way.

Ehh...forget types. Imma go with the flow cause the ones I picked although phenominal for a season weren't made for me for the long haul.

Thanks for all the insight ladies!!!!!

 

[Puddles]

I don't see myself marrying my "type" either...that's kind of hilarious. I'm happy everything worked out for your good however.

Thanks....and you're right. Now that I'm older....I can not see myself with the man I feel is "my" type. I would have been in a whirl of trouble.

 

[Syrah]

Physically, I've always dated my "type" - tall, faded hair cut, broad shoulders but on the "slim" side (I didn't say skinny, I said slim".

...and they haven't worked out for me! HAHAHAHA. Not a single one of 'em.

 

[MzLady78]

I was JUST thinking about this today.

I'm not into bad boys, but I do like a guy with a little edge. If I feel like I have a stronger personality than him, I get turned off. But I realized that none of my relationships with "edgy" dudes have worked. So maybe I need to start giving the good guys more of a chance.

 

[onyxdreams]

I see what you're saying & it makes sense; back in the day I was a young mess, but I've grown alot and don't look to the person I'm dating for constant validation, etc. Maybe iss just the innate desire I have to help people that draws me to that type of guy.

Maybe I should re-evaluate my type because I've changed so much over the last couple years. Maybe I still have something in me I've left un-addressed and need to rectify.

And there it is ,as you keep growing and changing your type will change as well.at different stage of life we want different things.I got married at 18 but honestly the person I was then is not who I am now and what I thought was my "type" is not my type now.

 

[moonglowdiva]

My type is employed and making more money than me. I'm not a gold digger, I just don't feel I should have to take care of a man. Race is unimportant to me. Looks doesn't matter either. I'm really not particular.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

SPINOFF Question:

How do you think you developed your type?

Personally I think my "type" was birthed by a multitude of things. Aesthetically I have preferences hence the height and pretty eyes preoccupation. The personality traits I admire tend to be things I possess; someone who's passionate, artistic, pensive, independent & family oriented. My old attraction to the bad boy/man of mystery has me thrown. It could be a view society imposed and I adopted; there will forever be a stereotype that bad boys are fun & good guys are corny. I've always been a "good girl" so maybe it was a subconscious effort to slide over to the dark side...lol.

Spill it ladies!

 

[DivineNapps1728]

Thanks....and you're right. Now that I'm older....I can not see myself with the man I feel is "my" type. I would have been in a whirl of trouble.

I'm happy you avoided that mishap

Physically, I've always dated my "type" - tall, faded hair cut, broad shoulders but on the "slim" side (I didn't say skinny, I said slim".

...and they haven't worked out for me! HAHAHAHA. Not a single one of 'em.

Maybe it isn't meant to be, lol. Did they have the same types of personalities?

I was JUST thinking about this today.

I'm not into bad boys, but I do like a guy with a little edge. If I feel like I have a stronger personality than him, I get turned off. But I realized that none of my relationships with "edgy" dudes have worked. So maybe I need to start giving the good guys more of a chance.

I've learned that a dude doesn't have to be thugged out lachen to be edgy. I've met some educated fellas who are low key bad boys with strong personalities...sadly they've all been man whores cause they look so sweet they can trick girls like it ain't nothin. My best friend was one of those dudes. I love him to death, but he is so bad.

And there it is ,as you keep growing and changing your type will change as well.at different stage of life we want different things.I got married at 18 but honestly the person I was then is not who I am now and what I thought was my "type" is not my type now.

Well prayerfully all is well in your relationship & you and hubby have grown together.

My type is employed and making more money than me. I'm not a gold digger, I just don't feel I should have to take care of a man. Race is unimportant to me. Looks doesn't matter either. I'm really not particular.

I am not mad at cha! Sometimes I think I'm too particular, but I'm like that with everything

 

[Evolving78]

delete....delete..

 

[Evolving78]

delete...delete

 

[Coffee]

I thought "my" type was the right choice......but God told me I was wrong.

I married totally far away from "my" type. And all is Good.

Same here, and I've never been happier! We've been together 13 years and married nine of those.

 

[doll-baby]

I use to date a guy who when I first met him I thought to my self " oh I can help him become a better person". Then what I learned about him was that he expected me to "make" him a better person! He Literally told me that he needed me to be the type of woman that is going to yell at him to get up and go to work every morning or to pay the bills on time, etc ... Basically he wanted me to be his mother. I told him that I already have a son I need to raise and that I can't do that for a grown man !

So now my "type" has changed, sure it is great to help someone, but only if you are working as a team.

 

[Vinyl]

Although I won't waiver on my type in the looks department, but personality-wise I'm willing to explore new types of men if my "type" isn't working out.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized that the people I end up choosing, both as friends and lovers, tend to have some type of serious emotional issue that makes them depressed all the time... so I have to stop doing that. I hate to say it but I really won't be dating/befriending anyone who isn't happy with their lives anymore.

 

[drasgrl]

I guess I'm with my type somewhat now.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

He Literally told me that he needed me to be the type of woman that is going to yell at him to get up and go to work every morning or to pay the bills on time, etc ... Basically he wanted me to be his mother.

So now my "type" has changed, sure it is great to help someone, but only if you are working as a team.

I'm mad he actually said that, but at least he was upfront; I've been in relationships with that same type of dead weight...it's exhausting on soooo many levels.

Although I won't waiver on my type in the looks department, but personality-wise I'm willing to explore new types of men if my "type" isn't working out.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized that the people I end up choosing, both as friends and lovers, tend to have some type of serious emotional issue that makes them depressed all the time... so I have to stop doing that. I hate to say it but I really won't be dating/befriending anyone who isn't happy with their lives anymore.

First step make a conscious decision to try something new...then just do it. Very commendable change especially since it's easier said than done

I guess I'm with my type somewhat now.

Is it working out well?

 

[MissYocairis]

My "type" is much like the OP's. But, with a few added things...

However, I was just thinking today about this concept of what "my type" is. I can instantly know whether someone is my "type" and not because of physical looks (I don't have many physical preferences, only a few)....but because of the spirit and aura of the person. I can feel whether a man is my kind of man right away and when he isn't.

I was wondering whether this "type" thing...when it delves into the kind of person they are....is really a soul attraction? I find that the things that make me least attracted to a man are the esoteric things about the person and not the physical. Is he banal? Is he crude? Is he insecure? Is he presumptuous? Does he indicate that he wouldn't be able to handle me by his approach? Is his sense of humor superficial? Is he not smart enough?

My type tends toward the recovered rogue who has done a lot of soul searching and is in touch with his sense of self...faults and all. He is highly respectful and a gentleman....but he also has a wicked sense of humor. He's loyal to a fault when it comes to the things in life that really matter - family, purpose, community. He may have had his disappointments early on but he's grown in spite of them and he can be self-deprecating when the situation calls for it. On the other end, he's masculine...a man's man....but, in another way....masculine when it calls for it....but secure enough in his masculinity to be feminine without shame. He's not overly "macho" but he'll kick azs if need be. And, he's patient. Genuine and kind. He's done the emotional work so he knows that committment isn't fickle...so HE isn't fickle. He doesn't flinch when something goes awry...he waits it out and gives it time to reveal the truth.

It's odd because I rarely run into these types of men. (I'm not looking) Come to think of it, this description fits my father perfectly. Hmmmmmmm. No, I never considered this could be a bad thing.

As for physical "types"....I swore off of have a very rigid physical preference after marrying my husband. He was the physical type I thought I wanted and turned out to be a turd. Following that, I do have some general things...I like them taller....I like broad shoulders too and fitness....strong arms...but, that's it. No complexion preference, no eye color preference. I do love a nice voice...and a great laugh but those are subjective so....OP, I think you are fine with what you prefer. It may be that is what speaks to your soul. I don't see a problem with that.

 

[Irresistible]

I thought "my" type was the right choice......but God told me I was wrong.

I married totally far away from "my" type. And all is Good.

yeah 'my type' became the man God said was for me

 

[Renewed1]

Nope I don't care. But I do require he has friends of other races. Some of my BLACK female friends dated white guys; that never dated outside their race. But the white men have close black friends.