When two cultures CLASH in a relationship

[Innocent_Kiss]

Well, not clash, but bump heads. I was recently pregnant by my boyfriend, and regretfully decided to terminate my pregnancy. He an his family was excited about a new addition to their family and suggested we move together, join finances, and all types of other 'married folk business.' My parents on the otherhand, although they were excited about a new baby in our family, warned me to stay focus and keep my career goals a priority. Not a psuedo marriage. My bf is a sweetheart, both our families love us, we add to eachothers' lives and all of that other sweet stuff, but I'm not ready to move in with him, have a baby, or anything else that is supposed to be reserved for marriage. We talk about marriage A LOT. As a matter of fact, he took me to a Ultra Diamonds to get fitted for an engagement ring. Honestly, I can see myself with him and I love him..but although it's a beautiful thing, I think it's totally out of season. I want us to focus on building a strong foundation in our relationship BEFORE marriage. I want us to focus on improving our individual lives and accomplishing our goals so that we collectively become a stronger couple. I'm focused on academic success, committing myself to a sorrority, becoming a real estate investor, building my relationship with God - those types of things. Not how me and my boyfriend are going to pay our utility bills or how we are going to take care of a baby.

I believe sex, starting a family, moving in with eachother - all of those things should be cherished and manifested through a marriage. When I asked myself WHY, though, I'm not really able to answer. I guess because that's how I was raised. Lately, I've been trying to read scriptures about marriage so that I understand what God wants in a marriage. I guess this is more of a vent than a post seeking advice because it's obvious that I need to simply tell him everything I posted. But feel free to comment

 

[cocoberry10]

Nothing that you’ve posted seems to show a clash of cultures. This is just what life and relationships are about. We are all striving for better relationships (i.e. with God, our parents, our significant others, children, friends, etc.)

 

[Hil84figer]

Okay I'm going to play devils advocate. I believe in women's choice. But I don't know if you are weighing in all the factors and the people involved meaning your boyfriend. How does he feel about becoming a father. I know this is hard decision considering your goals in life. But have you ever talked to him about abortion of the child. You have stated that you already have decided. Does he have a say in the matter. I know its will you still go ahead with it, if he doesn't agree it right. If he is against, do you think he will be able to forgive because really it we are talking forgiveness here, you taking it in your hands to abort child that he may want. You said different cultures. Does he believe in abortion?

Have you viewed all aspects of the situation. As couple, what do you both want. And can you both achieve it together. Do the goals you have coincide with each other.

 

[Afrolinda]

Nothing that you’ve posted seems to show a clash of cultures. This is just what life and relationships are about. We are all striving for better relationships (i.e. with God, our parents, our significant others, children, friends, etc.)

I agree with you.

 

[Cheleigh]

It's not a cultural bump. It isan opportunity for the two of you to discuss what's important to you both in a relationship, and where it is going, and how is your relationship defined.

Honestly, you added an unnecessary element of stress and confusion by telling both sides of the family about your impending pregnancy before the two of you had decided what the end result would be. My SO and I would involve other people if we decided to bring the baby to term, but I don't see what value there is in telling other folks if we're not.

A relationship, at the end of the day, is between two people, with God (or your deity of choice) as the head. I just think that you two should be the only people aware of critical decisions that arise in the relationship, until you are both comfortable sharing your decision with other people.

If you feel it's important to your relationship to refrain from things like premarital sex, and other elements of "playing house," then you two must discuss this, come to a consensus, and allow that to be your guide, not what other people think.

 

[Integrity]

what are your cultural backgrounds?

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

I consoled in my parents because I had made up in my mind that I wanted to continue the pregnancy. My so on the otherhand had told his coworkers, friends, parents and family members, strangers, everybody. He was excited and he did want the baby. I told him to wait until I knew what I was going to before he told the world, but he couldn't wait. Anyway, all of its water under the bridge because I'm two weeks post the abortion. It's something I have to live with everyday, but it's done. Our relationship actually improved, and it was immediately post the abortion when we really began to discuss, in depth, our goals for ourselves and as a couple. Thanks ladies I do appreciate your honest feedback.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

I meant cultural in a very broad sense - simply as 'a way of life.' Our way of life - our traditions - contrast in a lot of areas. He thinks it'll be a great idea to get an apartment together. While I do think it would work out, I also think that moving in with eachother is something we should do only if we were to get married. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but evenso, I also believe it's something that should be done in its season, and for me, it's not my season.

 

[BAP28]

i understand where you are coming from it appears his family see's marriage as something to do now...but YOU WANT TO PURSUE AND BE READY FOR THAT HUGE LIFE DECISION...

I THINK YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH...WHEN YOU ARE READY-YOU ARE READY AND ITS SOMETHING THAT HIS FAMILY AND THEIR BELIEFS WILL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND...

I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU STATE THAT THERE IS A CLASH IN UPBRINGING..I AGREE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND CONTINUING THE THINGS YOU ARE DOING IN YOUR LIFE...AND IM GLAD YOU ARE PACING YOURSELF AND SEEING WHATS RIGHT FOR YOUR LIVES TOGETHER OVERALL VERSUS WHATS RIGHT FOR RIGHT NOW...

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

That's the problem, Bap. Although I think his family will support us in a marriage - and my family, too - marriage isn't something his family has verbally encouraged him to do. Instead, they are encouraging marital things, for a lack of better terms, like moving in with eachother.

 

[BAP28]

WOW OH OK thanks for the clarification...

so they want you two to do marital things and not be married--that is so off...

i think you should continue living and following the path of the way in which your family raised you...your family raised you right-- to prioritize the significant things in life in the order in which you started them...i mean you guys don't have to rush...i hope things turn out well and you two communicate such that he understand where you are coming from...going forward in the rlp

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Exactly. Like some of the other ladies said, though, it's normal for these types of things to occur in relationships. What I love about my boyfriend is he listens and he's very open to change, especially if it's something involving our relationship. Hopefully, we can talk, both be willing to make some adjustments, and go on. If not, I have to prioritize.

 

[calliope]

I think that you're on a very good path. And, since you asked for opinions even though it's none of my business, maybe the two of you should abstain from premarital sex if you're really wanting to build on your foundation with him and with God. Sex complicates things in a relationship. Good luck to you both

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

I'm going to get it for this, but I think you made a good decision. When I read your initial post announcing you were preggo and in school I wanted to type so much to you but didn't, cause it was your decision. You have your whole life ahead of you, along with your career. Things will work out.

 

[Integrity]

I think that you're on a very good path. And, since you asked for opinions even though it's none of my business, maybe the two of you should abstain from premarital sex if you're really wanting to build on your foundation with him and with God. Sex complicates things in a relationship. Good luck to you both

i agree with sister here

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

I think that you're on a very good path. And, since you asked for opinions even though it's none of my business, maybe the two of you should abstain from premarital sex if you're really wanting to build on your foundation with him and with God. Sex complicates things in a relationship. Good luck to you both

Trust me, I'm TRYING! Thanks