When to talk about money?

[LovelyNaps26]

How soon into dating someone do you talk about money? By this I mean, the person's salary, debt, college loans, etc.


Furthermore, do you need proof of their statements, such as income tax return, pay stub, etc.

I feel awkward about this, but it is a pretty important thing to know about someone if you're serious.

 

[Ganjababy]

I don't know. However, I would run a mile if someone wanted to see my statements.................

 

[locabouthair]

Idk. I've heard females say "if we're not married he doesn't need to know anything about my finances or how much I make". I understand money/salary is a personal topic but wouldnt you need to know this before you get married? The number one reason people divorce is over money. So at some point before marriage comes up it's important to know how well he manages his money.

I think you would want to know how much debt he may have, could he support a family, etc before you get married (if that's what you want down the road). To talk about money you would have to be in an exclusive rlp at minimum IMO. I wouldnt ask about salary and credit scores on the 2nd date lol.

I'd like to hear other repsonses.

 

[MayaB12]

How soon into dating someone do you talk about money? By this I mean, the person's salary, debt, college loans, etc.


Furthermore, do you need proof of their statements, such as income tax return, pay stub, etc.

I feel awkward about this, but it is a pretty important thing to know about someone if you're serious.

I don't think its necessary to ask for statements etc. He might get the wrong idea about you. As you get to know the man you'll get signs of where he's at financially from simple things like:

• where he works (visit his office);
• where he lives (visit his home or at least drive by the neighborhood);
• How he dresses( where he shops); and
  
• maybe the kind of car his drives;
  

Those are the kind of indicators that worked for me in the past, but some men are good liars...

Just to add to this once you are in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage, lay it ALL out on the table credit score, debt and all. I almost lost a good man because I was financially dishonest.

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't think you should go as far as to ask for statements. I agree with MISSTZ12. Somethings you should get to know gradually, like where he works, how much money he makes etc. Once you all start dating exclusively, and get more serious, you can ask about debt, financial outlook, credit history, etc.

 

[Syrah]

Man...why can't people exercise their detective skills? I'd laugh at ANY man who asked for my statements...LAUGH. "You want to see my what??? How about you go take a loooooong walk". What happened to good ol' female intuition and putting things out there and seeing how he responds? "oh but some men lie..."

Yes, and so do some women.

You don't have to ASK for documentation. If you do things like plan real vacations together (not to Miami or Vegas), ask questions about his/her career, talk about buying real estate (and other assets) etc and gauge his response, you'll be able to tell what he's got going on. I know where he went to college and graduate school. I know about his work history. I express active interest in his work, I've been to his office and I have his business card. I know his car is paid for (as is mine) and I know what he would like his first piece of real estate to be like (style, budget, location etc).

I don't know how much student debt he has, but being that I am CURRENTLY a graduate student (and he knew me before I started) he's got to assume that I have some. That being said, I've gone house hunting with him and know what he's prequalified for...so there we go. Did I ask outright? No. He expressed that he was looking to buy, and I offered "to help". :yup:

I find the idea of asking someone for their credit and income statements offensive. If you ask, he can rightfully ask you for a pre-nup.

However, if you feel like you have to/should ask, I think the conversation needs to be more from a perspective of "building together" rather than "protecting whats mine". "Baby, I want to do ____ together, and if you're on the same page, we need to talk about what we each have so we can put it together at some time in the future and start with a good foundation" rather than "lemme see yo' FICO score". Tacky.

The trick is to frame your concerns to sound "supportive". Any man that considers a women a gold-digger for wanting a man who is serious about his role as a provider (I didn't say SOLE provider) can also go take a loooooong walk. He deserves the hoodrats he's used to attracting.

 

[cheetarah1980]

I think discussing finances is a moot point until the relationship is leading toward engagement and marriage. If you're observant you can get a good idea of where a man stands financially without having to ask outright. However, once two people decide they want to build a life together then I think it's important to lay all the cards on the table (including statements). At that point I like to think of it as empire building. Gotta have a solid foundation.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Man...why can't people exercise their detective skills? I'd laugh at ANY man who asked for my statements...LAUGH. "You want to see my what??? How about you go take a loooooong walk". What happened to good ol' female intuition and putting things out there and seeing how he responds? "oh but some men lie..."

Yes, and so do some women.

You don't have to ASK for documentation. If you do things like plan real vacations together (not to Miami or Vegas), ask questions about his/her career, talk about buying real estate (and other assets) etc and gauge his response, you'll be able to tell what he's got going on. I know where he went to college and graduate school. I know about his work history. I express active interest in his work, I've been to his office and I have his business card. I know his car is paid for (as is mine) and I know what he would like his first piece of real estate to be like (style, budget, location etc).

I don't know how much student debt he has, but being that I am CURRENTLY a graduate student (and he knew me before I started) he's got to assume that I have some. That being said, I've gone house hunting with him and know what he's prequalified for...so there we go. Did I ask outright? No. He expressed that he was looking to buy, and I offered "to help". :yup:

I find the idea of asking someone for their credit and income statements offensive. If you ask, he can rightfully ask you for a pre-nup.

However, if you feel like you have to/should ask, I think the conversation needs to be more from a perspective of "building together" rather than "protecting whats mine". "Baby, I want to do ____ together, and if you're on the same page, we need to talk about what we each have so we can put it together at some time in the future and start with a good foundation" rather than "lemme see yo' FICO score". Tacky.

The trick is to frame your concerns to sound "supportive". Any man that considers a women a gold-digger for wanting a man who is serious about his role as a provider (I didn't say SOLE provider) can also go take a loooooong walk. He deserves the hoodrats he's used to attracting.

Also just general convo stuff will tell you where he is and the longer you date (and get serious), the more "details" those conversations will have and then it'll naturally come up. And of course you look at his actions too like syrah said. As it gets serious, you'll feel free to ask point blank. I see no need of tiptoing around it (if you haven't already found out through general conversation)

 

[VelvetRain]

Funny with my ex of 3 years I never outright asked a thing. It was everything he did that showed me he was about business and financially he was okay. I didn't find out until the 3rd year of our relationship when we were casually discussing marriage that he made well over 6 figures. I kinda knew as dude was always driving some high end car and was spending his own money to finance the upstart of his business instead of asking for a loan. Between paying rent in one state and a mortgage in another in a home that went unrented I kinda put two and two together on my own. Good lord I need to get him back lol. No seriously I wouldn't even contemplate asking anyone about their finances unless it was obvious we were heading toward marriage.

Asking too soon is going to scare someone off.

 

[awhyley]

I don't know if I would go about this during the 'dating' stage, (maybe more at the 'engaged' level), but make no mistake, you DO have to ask. Some of these dudes be ballin on CREDIT. I've heard of instances here where guys would drive their ladies to pieces of property purporting that they owed it (to impress her), but later to find out that the actual owner had never even heard of their SO. Dating is the information-gathering stage anyhow, so glean what you can, and if it gets serious, then go in for the kill.

 

[ThickHair]

We didn't talk about it until he started talking marriage. We are still in the beginning stages and he has not formally ask me to marry him (I believe next week on my birthday), but he knows that my only debt is my house and student loans and the same for him. Neither of us have credit cards and both of our cars are paid off. NOW, he does contribute to his mother and grandmother's extra living expenses. He said he has told them that when he marries and starts a family that they will be cut off because he will now have a wife and hopefully children to care for. I didnt' ask how they took it, but I would be a bit pissed but understand. He said he is preparing them so they won't be surprised.

Once I get the proposal, I will bring up exact dollars for student loans and mortgages. Plus he wants to return to school to get his PhD. So all of these things are factoring in. I support him getting a PhD and I understand that money may be tight. A short time being a bit stingy with will pay off, he is my investment. He also told me that he will factor in me getting a PhD as well.

 

[locabouthair]

I don't know if I would go about this during the 'dating' stage, (maybe more at the 'engaged' level), but make no mistake, you DO have to ask. Some of these dudes be ballin on CREDIT. I've heard of instances here where guys would drive their ladies to pieces of property purporting that they owed it (to impress her), but later to find out that the actual owner had never even heard of their SO. Dating is the information-gathering stage anyhow, so glean what you can, and if it gets serious, then go in for the kill.

Yep and women do this too. Trying to keep up with the joneses. Material possessions may sometimes give you an idea of how well off he is but it's not 100%.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

You can figure out a guy's financial situation gradually as you get to know him if you use your common sense. I'm uncomfortable putting off any money talk until we're close to marriage but I'm not going to ask to see a guy's statements on the 3rd date either. erplexed

 

[Syrah]

I don't know if I would go about this during the 'dating' stage, (maybe more at the 'engaged' level), but make no mistake, you DO have to ask. Some of these dudes be ballin on CREDIT. I've heard of instances here where guys would drive their ladies to pieces of property purporting that they owed it (to impress her), but later to find out that the actual owner had never even heard of their SO. Dating is the information-gathering stage anyhow, so glean what you can, and if it gets serious, then go in for the kill.

Folks need to stop confusing "ballin" with being financially stable.

 

[lushcoils]

Yea, I'm going to need know about your financial earnings and skills before we become engaged.

 

[alive]

in my opinion, you're on the right track by being concerned about his financial status if you both are in a committed relationship. it's important for a man to be financially responsible before getting married, so don't feel bad for wondering about this.

however this type of conversation should flow naturally as time progresses. i'm sure you've heard that money is one of the top reasons that people get divorced so if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about money after it is clear that trust and compatibility in other areas have been established, it simply means that you both still have some work to do before tying the knot.

either way, don't be in a hurry. be patient and trust your instincts. good luck!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Yea, I'm going to need know about your financial earnings and skills before we become engaged.

I don't think it has to be engagement but a serious relationship is the time to find out ( a relationship that you know could lead to marriage)...and still I agree with some of the others that there are "clues" that can guide you in that direction. And you can gleam it too.

My fiance has credit monitoring, logged in when I was visiting (while we were boyfriend /girlfriend), and I was jokingly serious and said lightly, "let me see" and pushed him to the side. I was like "uh huh, uh huh" like I was analyzing away as he laughed.

But you know what? I knew his credit score and his debt to income ratio and he knew what I was doing but didn't care. If you make light of it, like it's no big deal, just standard that you should know (because you should) then guys understand I think.

You don't have to be that obvious but I'm a straight forward kinda person. He's seen mine too so whatever. But that's cause I showed it to him, but he really told me it was no big deal (I think because he already factored in my student loans already. Credit's good but I do have student loans from.undergrad... Which he also told me later (That he already considered that). See men do it too. He said that I was worth it. But you know what? What's wrong with us deciding if they're worth it too...by factoring in their stuff?)