When is it Okay to Talk Finances??

[Ediese]

My SO has told me on several occasions how happy he is to be debt free. Within our second month of dating, he freely told me how much he makes from his teaching job and side company. He said he would hate to date someone that 'fronted' like they were financially secure or only had a small amount of debt, and then get engaged/married to find out that they weren't making as much as they disclosed or that they were full of debt. He said that from the beginning I've been really secretive about my finances. lol I told him that I was taught to keep that kind of thing private.

Anyway, I finally told him last night and disclosed how much debt I have. (we've only been dating for 5 months) We got in a debate as to WHEN is the best time to disclose how much you make and your current total debt. Also, what about finding out how much money your partner has in his/her savings account? When is the right time for that?

Here are my questions:
When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO?
Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information?
Is that something that's discussed after you get married or newly engaged?
Did anyone hold out until they got married, and had a very disappointed DH as a result of this or vice versa?
What have your experience been with this? Did it make you step back when you found out he wasn't making that much or that he had too much debt?? Please share your experiences..

ETA: We've been in a committed relationship for five months now, and decided to become 'committed' after the second month.

 

[Son26]

I voted for 'when you get engaged'.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Uh Oh! We had THAT talk about six months after I moved in w/ him. He's really good with his money (some could even say "frugal"), so I never wanted him to know what was really going on especially since I make more money than him. He told me that he'd help me with some debt, but if I got back into that situation, he'd assume I didn't want to marry him. YIKES!!!

Problem is I'm a Shopping Junkie, gift giving junkie, donation junkie, and yes PJ.
I hate it when we need stuff and I ask him for $$$ and he says, "You spent all your money already?"
"YES I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ALREADY, that's why I'm asking you for some of yours....duh!!!" Lawd Lawd, we could NEVER have joint accounts!!!!!

 

[Ediese]

Uh Oh! We had THAT talk about six months after I moved in w/ him. He's really good with his money (some could even say "frugal"), so I never wanted him to know what was really going on especially since I make more money than him. He told me that he'd help me with some debt, but if I got back into that situation, he'd assume I didn't want to marry him. YIKES!!!

Problem is I'm a Shopping Junkie, gift giving junkie, donation junkie, and yes PJ.
I hate it when we need stuff and I ask him for $$$ and he says, "You spent all your money already?"
"YES I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ALREADY, that's why I'm asking you for some of yours....duh!!!" Lawd Lawd, we could NEVER have joint accounts!!!!!

LOL...Thanks for sharing. How long were you dating altogether before you had that talk? Thank goodness he was okay with it though!! lmao @ "You spent all your money already?" lol

 

[MrsHdrLe]

We met in 2001, moved together about two yrs ago.
I'm still training him though. Now he just puts $$$ up on the fridge when he thinks it's time to go to market. COOL!!! No qestions, just fork it over
Uh does that sound bad?
I DO LOVE HIM A LOT, I just love spending money too, I'm TORN, TORN, TORN....

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Not to take the convo off course, but Ediese your growth is great PM me your reggi if you don't mind. Thanks

 

[fattyfatfat]

PM it to me toooooo!!!!

I think finances should be talked about waaay before engagement. I already know my SO's finances inside and out.

Not to take the convo off course, but Ediese your growth is great PM me your reggi if you don't mind. Thanks

 

[Chameleonchick]

For us I started talking to him about his finances before we were even engaged. Before we got married he would get paid and then blow it off on partying, restaurants, clothes, his car etc. But now he's much better. He has his times where he wants to get his "toys" but so do I. The savings account thing....I don't know. My dh didn't even think about a savings account until we got married.

 

[Ediese]

Thanks ladies I just sent the pms.

I'm talking to my ex now, and he said that's something that needs to be discussed STAT. He said he drew conclusions about me so he didn't even need to ask. His conclusions: I spend all the time on shoes and dresses, so I must not have that much money. lol

 

[LBoogie]

Our first conversation was about his credit/finances! LOL

DH walked in on my "I need a man with this, this, that, that and the other." I didn't even know he was there until he said "I have that, what else do you need?" So I started grilling him, I hit him withthe "good credit." His response "My credit score is 760...what else? LOL

I basically knew all of his financial business within 3 months of dating (the first time I went to his house...he happened to have (no, it wasn't a set up....he had no idea I would be over) a bank statement on his island...I peeked and though "what kind of idiot keeps THIS much money in their CHECKING account?!"


We didn't get into MY financial stuff until we got engaged.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO?

I've never disclosed 100% of my financial situation to a man, relationship or not. I said as much as was necessary at the time.

Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information?

Yes, but I think it varies wildly from couple to couple. I think it depends on their respective lifestyles and the means they use to support them. Also, if a man believes he should be a breadwinner, then his salary would be considered more "relevant" if the woman is expected to stay home once babies come. I DEFINITELY believe it needs to be discussed before engagement...no exceptions. For ME, being engaged is too far to go and not know what I'm getting into.

My cousin is dealing with this now. Her DH "appeared" to be holding it down financially prior to them getting married so she never really questioned it...well, now that everything is out in the open, it's obvious that he is broke and this is causing major problems for them. I still don't see how they could have gotten to the altar without her knowing (preferably him volunteering) exactly how much he's touching annually, what's he got socked away, and what he owes.

Too many marriages end over money to not have a candid discussion about it before your emotions and heart get the best of you.

What have your experience been with this? Did it make you step back when you found out he wasn't making that much or that he had too much debt?? Please share your experiences..

I did step back when I found out he had $80K in debt because I was completely debt free and did not have a car payment and was trying to buy a house in the coming 18 months. He was much more comfortable with debt than I was, and that was the real issue. He wasn't eager to pay it off, and I was.

Another guy was very vague about his financial situation until the marriage talk got heavy and then I found out how broke he was. Being broke is not necessarily the end of the world, but he lacked the motivation to make things happen...meanwhile, I was hustlin' from sun up to sun down.

I think a more important thing to note, perhaps even more than the current situation, is his attitude towards money...because that will dictate his actions, habits, and ultimately the results...which will obviously affect his spouse. People have to remember that his financial situation may not always be what it is now, but what he believes about money and how it should be handled is more likely to remain the same.

 

[LBoogie]

Dang, I just realized that I didnt answer the questions. LOL

Here are my questions:
When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO? He only knew of my exact salary when I was debating taking a promotion and was shocked when he found out how much it would be. LOL. We were MARRIED at this time.


Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information? I don't know, Im not expert. DH is the only man that has ever known how much money/debt I have/made. And he doesnt know about ever penny of money I have now. My grandma always says never let a man know how much money you have so that kinda stuck with me.


Is that something that's discussed after you get married or newly engaged? We discussed his before marriage...vaguely discussed mine too, but he didnt have any real info until engagement and marriage. I wasnt trying to keep it from him, but honestly, he didn't/ doesn't seem to care.


Did anyone hold out until they got married, and had a very disappointed DH as a result of this or vice versa? Not I


What have your experience been with this? Did it make you step back when you found out he wasn't making that much or that he had too much debt?? Please share your experiences..

 

[Ediese]

When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO?

I've never disclosed 100% of my financial situation to a man, relationship or not. I said as much as was necessary at the time.

Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information?

Yes, but I think it varies wildly from couple to couple. I think it depends on their respective lifestyles and the means they use to support them. Also, if a man believes he should be a breadwinner, then his salary would be considered more "relevant" if the woman is expected to stay home once babies come. I DEFINITELY believe it needs to be discussed before engagement...no exceptions. For ME, being engaged is too far to go and not know what I'm getting into.

My cousin is dealing with this now. Her DH "appeared" to be holding it down financially prior to them getting married so she never really questioned it...well, now that everything is out in the open, it's obvious that he is broke and this is causing major problems for them. I still don't see how they could have gotten to the altar without her knowing (preferably him volunteering) exactly how much he's touching annually, what's he got socked away, and what he owes.

Too many marriages end over money to not have a candid discussion about it before your emotions and heart get the best of you.

What have your experience been with this? Did it make you step back when you found out he wasn't making that much or that he had too much debt?? Please share your experiences..

I did step back when I found out he had $80K in debt because I was completely debt free and did not have a car payment and was trying to buy a house in the coming 18 months. He was much more comfortable with debt than I was, and that was the real issue. He wasn't eager to pay it off, and I was.

Another guy was very vague about his financial situation until the marriage talk got heavy and then I found out how broke he was. Being broke is not necessarily the end of the world, but he lacked the motivation to make things happen...meanwhile, I was hustlin' from sun up to sun down.

I think a more important thing to note, perhaps even more than the current situation, is his attitude towards money...because that will dictate his actions, habits, and ultimately the results...which will obviously affect his spouse. People have to remember that his financial situation may not always be what it is now, but what he believes about money and how it should be handled is more likely to remain the same.

Wow..at the bolded above. Thanks for sharing. Yes I totally agree that their attitude towards it is important to consider. My SO is debt free, and he is adamant about staying that way.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

My SO works in real estate appraisals, and noticed I wouldn't answer unknown calls. I also vented about a creditor calling me so he offered to run a credit report for me. (I know very risky, but I was so bad off then I was like if anyone can squeeze out credit for a tricycle on my name, more power to ya AND tell me how you did it ) Anyway, he didn't run away, he sat me down and we came up with a plan. I'm now totally debt free, but I need to work on liquid savings and possible property accumlulation. That's my goal of 2009 and 2010.
What's a shame is I never learned about money management from my mom, she felt that the money was her business and so I've learned more from him than anyone. I turly believe he has improved the qualit of my life by example. I'm working on the shopping and products though. My best method is to stay out of all but grocery stores for three months at a time. That's helping somewhat. I really commend all you smart girls out there who were and are smart with your money.

 

[Lourdes]

I think a more important thing to note, perhaps even more than the current situation, is his attitude towards money...because that will dictate his actions, habits, and ultimately the results...which will obviously affect his spouse. People have to remember that his financial situation may not always be what it is now, but what he believes about money and how it should be handled is more likely to remain the same.

I love this!

 

[FunJoy!]

Me & SO didn't talk about money until he graduated (which was 2 years into the relationship), now I know about everything...

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Lourdes, I love your siggy!!! I crack up every time I see it

 

[Lourdes]

Lourdes, I love your siggy!!! I crack up every time I see it

I love Stains the cupcake dog, he really does remind me of me!

 

[ThickHair]

^^^^^ He is adorable.

 

[CandiceC]

Answers in purple

Here are my questions:
When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO?

I don't think DH knew how much my salary was until sometime in the first year we were married. Most of our dating period I was in college with internships. I didn't say how much I was making at those. He knows my salary now, but he doesn't know how much I have saved.

As far as debt- I bought my house before we were married and he was at the closing so he knew how much of a mortgage I was getting. He pays that now so it's his debt. Lol.

Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information?

DH knew I was good with money and frugal by watching my spending habits and comments I would make. I also flat out told him I was good with my money and that he was going to have to shape up. I wasn't going to be his mother though so I would make suggestions, but not press him. I knew he wasn't good with money from my observations and cause he admitted he wasn't. He ran up his cell phone bill when we first started talking. He was 19 and didn't bother paying it so it hit his credit report. He pulled his credit report once a couple years into the relationship and we went over it together. He's still recovering from some mistakes he made in his late teens/early 20's. He's much much better now though.

Is that something that's discussed after you get married or newly engaged?
I think you should already have a sense of how your partner is with money even if you don't know the specifics.

Did anyone hold out until they got married, and had a very disappointed DH as a result of this or vice versa?
No. DH had nothing to be disappointed about.
I already knew about his credit situation.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I love Stains the cupcake dog, he really does remind me of me!

funny thing is that's me and cake in general. LOOOOVVVV IT!

(back to the thread at had sorry gals)

 

[fula97]

We got in a debate as to WHEN is the best time to disclose how much you make and your current total debt. Also, what about finding out how much money your partner has in his/her savings account? When is the right time for that? - If we are joining a household we will sit down and discuss ALL savings and debts. But by the same token I'm only going to let you know about one of my savings accts. The others as my ex's mom used to say is "vex" money. If something goes wrong I have money stashed away

Here are my questions:
When do you disclose your salary and debt to your SO? Way before we decide to get engaged. I don't really discuss my salary outside of ranges. Since the only debt I have is a almost paid off student loan we discuss debt he has, salary, savings, credit score etc.

Do you feel that there is a correct time to disclose this information? When you get serious and are seriously thinking of moving in or marrying this person

Is that something that's discussed after you get married or newly engaged? Finances and children (rearing and how many if any) should be discussed way before you get married. Everything should be upfront and in the open. Thats how people get "surprised" and had stress that should have been discussed upfront so you can decide if he/she can/will change the behavior

Did anyone hold out until they got married, and had a very disappointed DH as a result of this or vice versa?

What have your experience been with this? Did it make you step back when you found out he wasn't making that much or that he had too much debt?? Please share your experiences.. I have broken up with someone who had too much debt and only seemed interested in adding to the debt he had, no savings, no plan to get out of debt but had a nice car and a hefty mortgage and insane student loans despite making a very good income.

 

[SelahOco]

I think when you start discussing the possibility of marriage and are clearly headed down that path it's time to discuss it. I ran credit reports for both DH and I shortly after we got engaged so we could look at what we both had and needed to pay off.

We do everything collectively in terms of finances. We decided that early on, so full disclosure has always been our thing and it really works for us.

 

[missann]

I think the man should be willing to disclose his financial position. Besides, his duty in a marriage is to be the provider. So somehow he has to show he can provide before getting married/engaged.

As a woman, I wouldn't show my hand, especially if I had a lot of money. I wouldn't expect to have to pay for major household expenses, so I don't understand why a guy would be pressed to know how much money I have. Now debt, I can understand, particularly if it's large. If I had debt, I would tell him when it got serious.

I would have no problem discussing basic philosophies and spending/savings habits in terms of percentages at the dating stage.

 

[biancaelyse]

I think the man should be willing to disclose his financial position. Besides, his duty in a marriage is to be the provider. So somehow he has to show he can provide before getting married/engaged.

As a woman, I wouldn't show my hand, especially if I had a lot of money. I wouldn't expect to have to pay for major household expenses, so I don't understand why a guy would be pressed to know how much money I have. Now debt, I can understand, particularly if it's large. If I had debt, I would tell him when it got serious.

I would have no problem discussing basic philosophies and spending/savings habits in terms of percentages at the dating stage.

I agree with everything here. I think it's smart to find out early on what his attitude is towards finances and spending.

 

[jrae]

I was just having a conversation with my cousin on this very issue. She is very disappointed in learning of her fiance's financial situation. I asked her "how do you feel comfortable sleeping with a man but uncomfortable asking him about his finances?"

 

[starfish]

I think once you're exclusive it's time to bring it up.

When my BFF in Maryland was going through a 12-week pre-marital counseling program through their church, they had a 'finance session'. The church counselor told 12 couples to bring a copy of their credit report, the last 3 paystubs, and the last two tax returns to the next session. Not only would they be financially exposed but they were to be counseled on how to deal with what they were learning about their future spouse's finances. Only 3 couples showed up the next week.

I'm so mistrustful I really like this approach.

 

[Ediese]

I was just having a conversation with my cousin on this very issue. She is very disappointed in learning of her fiance's financial situation. I asked her "how do you feel comfortable sleeping with a man but uncomfortable asking him about his finances?"

What was her response?

 

[Ediese]

Great advice ladies!! Thanks so much for posting!!

 

[Caramela]

You should be talking about finances way before you start sleeping together.