When he doesn't call...

[misskris816]

Ladies, I need your honest feedback, please.

I have been dating an older man who I have a lot of fun with when we're together. I'm not conceited at all, but I have to be honest... I'm not used to being with a man who doesn't try to see me everyday and isn't calling me every night. I talk to this guy about 4-5 times a week on the phone during the evening/night, but those days he doesn't call really bothers me. I actually caught myself thinking, "Why would he not want to talk to me? He must be crazy." We are not exclusive (we haven't really even talked about it), so there is no obligation to each other at this point in time. One of my guy friends said I should tell him that I don't like the fact that he doesn't call me everyday, but I don't want to be the "needy girl". Besides, that would probably freak him out.

Anyway, it's been hard getting used to because in my last relationship (even in the early stages), we would talk 3-4 times a day. So, I guess I take it as some sort of rejection when he doesn't call.

Am I just being insecure or are my expectations reasonable? Don't spare my feelings .

 

[DayStar]

he is probably seeing other people aswell, weighing his options or he might not be all that into u....

please dont stone me ...j/k

 

[misskris816]

LOL! Girl please, no stone throwing here. He just might be seeing other people, and I can't be mad at him for that. Lord knows if I meet a fine man I'll be all over that and then some. I guess I need to realize that just because I used to talk to my last guy every single day doesn't mean all future relationships will play out that way.

 

[Much2much41]

When you talk to him, who does the calling? If you're initiating most of the contact, then that could be a problem. However, with him being older, he is probably just more laid back and seasoned than the men you're accustomed to dating (Read: He ain't frantic), so that could be where the difference lies. I don't think it's cause for too much concern, unless you're seeing signs of other things.

 

[Ms Red]

I really don't think you're overreacting. It seems like this is just a transition period for you (in the past, wanting/needing to be in constant communication with a love interest vs. now). Aside from feeling rejected when he doesn't call... does it add a level of umph to your relationship at all? Is it a welcomed change from your last relationship?

Is he a phone type of guy? Do you think he's playing hard to get or just too busy with other things/people to consistently call? Just wondering...

 

[Nola Darling]

You are a very pretty and classy looking lady...I think you should date other people or just do YOU. When you are busy with other things him not calling wouldn't bother you at all.

 

[misskris816]

When you talk to him, who does the calling? If you're initiating most of the contact, then that could be a problem. However, with him being older, he is probably just more laid back and seasoned than the men you're accustomed to dating (Read: He ain't frantic), so that could be where the difference lies. I don't think it's cause for too much concern, unless you're seeing signs of other things.

I hardly ever call him...I may call him once a week, but that's it. I let him contact me. I didn't even think about that until you mentioned it...maybe he might be waiting to see if I'll initiate contact.

 

[EMJazzy]

Just based on your description of the situation I wouldn't say that he's rejecting you, he probably just have other things going on in his life. Do you want to be "exclusive" with him?

 

[audacious1]

he is probably seeing other people aswell, weighing his options or he might not be all that into u....

please dont stone me ...j/k

 

[misskris816]

I really don't think you're overreacting. It seems like this is just a transition period for you (in the past, wanting/needing to be in constant communication with a love interest vs. now). Aside from feeling rejected when he doesn't call... does it add a level of umph to your relationship at all? Is it a welcomed change from your last relationship?

Is he a phone type of guy? Do you think he's playing hard to get or just too busy with other things/people to consistently call? Just wondering...

Although it irritates me when he doesn't call, it also keeps me interested. I get burnt out on men very easily, so the fact that he's not blowing up my phone makes me a bit more curious.

He's a manager at my company and has a lot on his plate sometimes. Plus, he likes to work out in the evenings, run errands, etc..

When we do talk on the phone, we usually talk for 2 hours or so. Sometimes I'll try to get off the phone first and he'll bring up another topic to continue the conversation. I don't get the feeling that he's blowing me off, so I'm confused why I am so insecure about it. I hate to say it, but maybe I am one of those people who has to be showered with love and attention. Oh god, I hope not.

 

[misskris816]

Just based on your description of the situation I wouldn't say that he's rejecting you, he probably just have other things going on in his life. Do you want to be "exclusive" with him?

I would like to get there in the near future as long as we don't rush things. I've made the mistake in the past of rushing into relationships because I got caught in the rapture of love. He's 17 years older than me, so this whole "relationship" with an older man is a learning experience for me.

 

[misskris816]

You are a very pretty and classy looking lady...I think you should date other people or just do YOU. When you are busy with other things him not calling wouldn't bother you at all.

Thank you, missfadu . You are soooooo right. I need to find a damn hobby or something, LOL. Any suggestions?

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Thank you, missfadu . You are soooooo right. I need to find a damn hobby or something, LOL. Any suggestions?

I agree that it isn't cause for concern. I think it's a sign that you're not what I call "filled up enough." This is not an insult nor does it imply that you're emotionally void. By "filled up enough", I mean busy...doing things that are bigger than you (in a meaningful, profound sense of "bigger") and doing things that matter to you.

If I were you, I would make a list of things you've been meaning to get around to doing but haven't and things you want to explore. This could be anything from yoga to cooking classes. Make a list and when you get that nagging urge to question his behavior or waste time analyzing him not calling, jump on one of those tasks! Before you know it, the phone will be ringing. Not only will you have made progress on a task worthwhile, you'll have something interesting to share with him when he calls.

Remember that men like busy women. Idle hands make for a cluttered mind.

Just relax and take it all very easy. Things will unfold as they should. Worrying about it or overanalyzing it won't change it one bit. If I were you, I wouldn't mention anything to him about it. Time has a way of telling us everything we need to know about a person. Good luck!

 

[Much2much41]

I agree that it isn't cause for concern. I think it's a sign that you're not what I call "filled up enough." This is not an insult nor does it imply that you're emotionally void. By "filled up enough", I mean busy...doing things that are bigger than you (in a meaningful, profound sense of "bigger") and doing things that matter to you.

If I were you, I would make a list of things you've been meaning to get around to doing but haven't and things you want to explore. This could be anything from yoga to cooking classes. Make a list and when you get that nagging urge to question his behavior or waste time analyzing him not calling, jump on one of those tasks! Before you know it, the phone will be ringing. Not only will you have made progress on a task worthwhile, you'll have something interesting to share with him when he calls.

Remember that men like busy women. Idle hands make for a cluttered mind.

Just relax and take it all very easy. Things will unfold as they should. Worrying about it or overanalyzing it won't change it one bit. If I were you, I wouldn't mention anything to him about it. Time has a way of telling us everything we need to know about a person. Good luck!

Correction, they LOVE busy women. The busier you are, the quicker they take a number so they can be next in line to get in your face.

 

[Allandra]

I hardly ever call him...I may call him once a week, but that's it. I let him contact me. I didn't even think about that until you mentioned it...maybe he might be waiting to see if I'll initiate contact.

Hun, he may be wondering why you hardly call him. Just a thought.....

 

[Lindy]

Sigh... In relationships these days, it's so hard to know whether you should call him, wait for him to call you, expect a call every day, etc. etc.!! It's enough to drive you crazy!

I'm going through similar stuff myself right now, so I don't really have a pat answer for ya, but I'd say that as long as you're having good conversations when he DOES call, and you're having fun with him when you're together, DON'T SWEAT IT!!!

Also, I find that the "VERY reliable, call-you-every-day-exactly-when-he says-he-will", type of guy gets really boring after a while ... Admit it, it's kind of fun to wonder why he doesn't call every day, and why he sometimes doesn't call exactly when he says he will, isn't it? Kinda keeps you on your toes!!

Good luck with your new love!!

 

[Sosoothing]

Hun, he may be wondering why you hardly call him. Just a thought.....

I agree. There are some men who might think you are not into them if they initiate the calls almost all the time. Maybe you could try calling him a little more often.

 

[*KP*]

Thank you, missfadu . You are soooooo right. I need to find a damn hobby or something, LOL. Any suggestions?

Take up Salsa

 

[misskris816]

Sigh... In relationships these days, it's so hard to know whether you should call him, wait for him to call you, expect a call every day, etc. etc.!! It's enough to drive you crazy!

I'm going through similar stuff myself right now, so I don't really have a pat answer for ya, but I'd say that as long as you're having good conversations when he DOES call, and you're having fun with him when you're together, DON'T SWEAT IT!!!

Also, I find that the "VERY reliable, call-you-every-day-exactly-when-he says-he-will", type of guy gets really boring after a while ... Admit it, it's kind of fun to wonder why he doesn't call every day, and why he sometimes doesn't call exactly when he says he will, isn't it? Kinda keeps you on your toes!!

Good luck with your new love!!

Very, very true! It certainly does keep me on my toes and makes it unpredictable. I tend to get bored easily with men, so that's definitely a plus! However, he better call when he says he's going to because that shiznit drives me wild. It doesn't have to be right on the dot, but within an hour or two.

Thank you for your response!

 

[misskris816]

Take up Salsa

I've seriously been thinking about it! Maybe I'll get off of my rear end and finally enroll in a class. Thanks for your suggestions.

 

[misskris816]

I agree. There are some men who might think you are not into them if they initiate the calls almost all the time. Maybe you could try calling him a little more often.

You're right, I will put forth more of an effort to initiate contact with him and see where that leads me. I was so concerned about not appearing 'clingy' that I ended up at the opposite end of the spectrum.

 

[chicacanella]

Ladies, I need your honest feedback, please.

I have been dating an older man who I have a lot of fun with when we're together. I'm not conceited at all, but I have to be honest... I'm not used to being with a man who doesn't try to see me everyday and isn't calling me every night. I talk to this guy about 4-5 times a week on the phone during the evening/night, but those days he doesn't call really bothers me. I actually caught myself thinking, "Why would he not want to talk to me? He must be crazy." We are not exclusive (we haven't really even talked about it), so there is no obligation to each other at this point in time. One of my guy friends said I should tell him that I don't like the fact that he doesn't call me everyday, but I don't want to be the "needy girl". Besides, that would probably freak him out.

Anyway, it's been hard getting used to because in my last relationship (even in the early stages), we would talk 3-4 times a day. So, I guess I take it as some sort of rejection when he doesn't call.

Am I just being insecure or are my expectations reasonable? Don't spare my feelings .

I've found this to be the case with older men before and it can be quite mind-boggling. You are trying to be cool and extra mature about the matter but in your mind you are screaming, "Do you not want me?"

But see older men know the tricks of the game for the most part. I've heard it said like this before:

When you have a cat and chase it, she will run. But notice when you leave the cat alone, they will come up to you, rub against your leg, purr and just try to get attention.

They know something most young guys don't: If you leave us alone, it will make us more attracted to them. Then they got us just where they want us! That is some pimp-type stuff.

 

[Country gal]

Ladies, I need your honest feedback, please.

I have been dating an older man who I have a lot of fun with when we're together. I'm not conceited at all, but I have to be honest... I'm not used to being with a man who doesn't try to see me everyday and isn't calling me every night. I talk to this guy about 4-5 times a week on the phone during the evening/night, but those days he doesn't call really bothers me. I actually caught myself thinking, "Why would he not want to talk to me? He must be crazy." We are not exclusive (we haven't really even talked about it), so there is no obligation to each other at this point in time. One of my guy friends said I should tell him that I don't like the fact that he doesn't call me everyday, but I don't want to be the "needy girl". Besides, that would probably freak him out.

Anyway, it's been hard getting used to because in my last relationship (even in the early stages), we would talk 3-4 times a day. So, I guess I take it as some sort of rejection when he doesn't call.

Am I just being insecure or are my expectations reasonable? Don't spare my feelings .

I had this same issue as well. It is really frustrating to me too.

 

[lilyofthevalley]

I understand your situation and I'd say that as long as you can get used to him not talking to you every night, there's no cause to worry. In my last relationship (before I got with my boyfriend), we were on the phone with each other like 3 or 4 times a day. With my boyfriend we talk like 3 times a week. But honestly, I actually prefer this to what I had with my ex. I'm the type of person who needs her space and my ex used to drive me up the wall with his need to call me every night before he went to sleep. We got into so many arguments over it, it's not even funny. All people are different and all relationships are different so if he doesn't call, don't take it as a rejection. As long as he's not cancelling dates or not calling when he says he will, you're good. He might just be one of those people who believes that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

[Poohbear]

Ladies, I need your honest feedback, please.

I have been dating an older man who I have a lot of fun with when we're together. I'm not conceited at all, but I have to be honest... I'm not used to being with a man who doesn't try to see me everyday and isn't calling me every night. I talk to this guy about 4-5 times a week on the phone during the evening/night, but those days he doesn't call really bothers me. I actually caught myself thinking, "Why would he not want to talk to me? He must be crazy." We are not exclusive (we haven't really even talked about it), so there is no obligation to each other at this point in time. One of my guy friends said I should tell him that I don't like the fact that he doesn't call me everyday, but I don't want to be the "needy girl". Besides, that would probably freak him out.

Anyway, it's been hard getting used to because in my last relationship (even in the early stages), we would talk 3-4 times a day. So, I guess I take it as some sort of rejection when he doesn't call.

Am I just being insecure or are my expectations reasonable? Don't spare my feelings .

Since you both are not exclusive to one another, you should not be tripping about him not calling you everyday. Talking to each other 4-5 times a week is pretty good if you two are just dating.

Question: Are you expecting an exclusive relationship to evolve with him?

 

[misskris816]

Since you both are not exclusive to one another, you should not be tripping about him not calling you everyday. Talking to each other 4-5 times a week is pretty good if you two are just dating.

Question: Are you expecting an exclusive relationship to evolve with him?

It's been a year this month since I met him. I've tried to become exclusive with him but he always tells me that he's not ready for that type of relationship. Although I tried to pursue more, I know that his rejection is a blessing.

He's not the man I want to be with long term. I probably only want him because he's out of my reach. For him, I'm just an option among many and he's caused me more pain and tears than I can even count.

I'm trying to take the advice from my siggy...

 

[Encore]

Lol I was gonna say did yall read the date it was posted??

Thanx OP for the update tho

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

It's been a year this month since I met him. I've tried to become exclusive with him but he always tells me that he's not ready for that type of relationship. Although I tried to pursue more, I know that his rejection is a blessing.

He's not the man I want to be with long term. I probably only want him because he's out of my reach. For him, I'm just an option among many and he's caused me more pain and tears than I can even count.

I'm trying to take the advice from my siggy...

think i'll try to answer this from another angle...

he enjoys talking to you on the phone and that is it. i notice you didn't mention that he takes you out. to older men, taking up your time on the telephone is his way of spending time with you. think about it....as women, all we want is some time...someone to spend time with us, whether it is in person, by letter, or phone.

then too, sometimes you have to be careful about talking on the phone a lot...especially with someone you like. a lot of times we run off at the mouth and tell too much of ourselves. always keep a brotha guessin. even if he calls you, don't always be readily available to speak with him...start being busy sometimes even if ur just sittin there twiddling your thumbs. you don't have to offer an explanation...a simple..."lemme call u back, i'm in the middle of something" will do just fine. then the next time he calls..he'll probably ask.."so, what were you doing"....keep him guessin. then u can respond and say..."oh, i was in the middle of doing something"...u can say things without being too specific.

then too, a lot of times you can wear out ur welcome, or he can wear out his welcome which is probably why u bore easily. just throwing different stuff out there to you, not saying this is necessarily the case. just food for thought.

the reason why he probably told YOU that he is not ready for that "type of relationship" is because you probably told him too much about yourself, not realizing it.

start doing you and have options....keep him as a "buddy"...that is how I would catergorize him (yes, i have my men friends categorized, but das anotha topic ).

 

[MissYocairis]

Although it irritates me when he doesn't call, it also keeps me interested. I get burnt out on men very easily, so the fact that he's not blowing up my phone makes me a bit more curious.

He's a manager at my company and has a lot on his plate sometimes. Plus, he likes to work out in the evenings, run errands, etc..

When we do talk on the phone, we usually talk for 2 hours or so. Sometimes I'll try to get off the phone first and he'll bring up another topic to continue the conversation. I don't get the feeling that he's blowing me off, so I'm confused why I am so insecure about it. I hate to say it, but maybe I am one of those people who has to be showered with love and attention. Oh god, I hope not.

You just aren't used to this type of man. You said yourself he's older and busy. And, you guys do keep in good contact for early stages of a relationship. You also shared that you are used to speaking to a man 3-4 times a day. I just cannot imagine. That would be too much for me (I'm 'older'). I think it might be the age difference, coupled with the fact that he's a hard working brother. I think you may be just feeling the differences between men and it's something new and confusing. I'm sure he likes you. Especially since he does spend a couple of hours chatting in the evening sometimes. Don't take it personally and don't think it indicates something bad.

I think you are doing great by letting him contact you for the majority of your contact. Let him continue to pursue and don't get into telling him you wanna talk everyday. It will come off needy and that's not necessary with a "getting to know you" type of stage. (since things are not exclusive yet) Also, you should have other men friends that you see casually as well until you and he decide to be exclusive and keep busy! I'm sure he likes you. Don't worry.

 

[misskris816]

It's been a year this month since I met him. I've tried to become exclusive with him but he always tells me that he's not ready for that type of relationship. Although I tried to pursue more, I know that his rejection is a blessing.

He's not the man I want to be with long term. I probably only want him because he's out of my reach. For him, I'm just an option among many and he's caused me more pain and tears than I can even count.

I'm trying to take the advice from my siggy...

Oh Lord!!! My latest response was about a completely different man and I just now realized it. The guy I was referencing in the OP is out my life because I met someone else as a distraction, but the latest guy is no better. I keep attracting these men in my life, and I'm trying to turn it around.