When Do You Tell a Man that You do Not Engage in PreMarital Sex?

[bajanplums1]

Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up? Do you wait until he makes a move?

What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?

Thanks.

 

[BerrySweet]

When you start getting close. It's good to head it off at the pass.

 

[star]

Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up? Do you wait until he makes a move?

What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?

Thanks.

Tell him immediately in loving, friendly and godly way and see what he says. If you start getting close then tell him you run the risk of you becoming weak. You really have to be honest with yourself about what you may be able to handle if you get closer. Just let him know you are willing to be friends and see where God takes the both of us.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up? Do you wait until he makes a move?

What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?

Thanks.

I tell him AS SOON AS PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE!!!!! I've found that this is the safest, most effective way for me.

There were times when I called myself waiting til it came up, but it never came up until he was trying to undress me, and it is *VERY* awkward to tell him that you don't get down like that when he's mentally (and probably physically) ready to do the deed. And when I waited, I was accused of being a tease and/or leading him on, neither of which was actually the case. He was just mad b/c he wasn't getting any.

I'll discuss it when topics re: religion come up as well. Or if he asks why I'm single. If there isn't a comfortable way to bring it up, I FORCE it b/c he needs to know this from the beginning. There are *many* men who can not handle being in a serious relationship w/o sex. If he's one of those men, then I want to know, and he needs to know how I operate so that neither of us wastes the other's time. Many times I've put it out there and the dude stops calling. I'm *always* glad I said it when I did...before I got emotionally invested and may have started second-guessing myself. If he knows the deal from the jump, he should know better than to go there. There are still some dummies who will try you anyway b/c SOOOOOOOOO many chicks walkin around talkin about how holy they are and braggin about goin to church every Sunday, but they do more fornicatin than the law should allow. So if that's the case, I simply remind them about the conversation we already had re: sex, and that's the end of that discussion as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry about that lil tangent, but this is a GREAT topic b/c as a single woman of God, you have to deal with this issues if you're dating. So I say, introduce yourself, say your name and where you're from, and tell him you don't do the pre-marital sex thing! Ok, maybe not that soon, but ASAP for sure. You ain't gotta scare him off with it or be obnoxious about it, but he needs to know the business!

 

[bajanplums1]

THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far. Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him. He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried. I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.

He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted. I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him. I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.

 

[Lisa]

I tell him AS SOON AS PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE!!!!! So I say, introduce yourself, say your name and where you're from, and tell him you don't do the pre-marital sex thing!

I agree with the first part at least. Usually I bring it up when we ask each other why are you still single or not involved in a relationship.

 

[star]

THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far. Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him. He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried. I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.

He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted. I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him. I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.

Be aware that God may be testing you to see if you love Him more than others. This is the precise time for you to exercise your faith in GOd and what you have learned as a Christian. Leave the outcome totally in God's hands he knows whats best.

 

[Bunny77]

I'll discuss it when topics re: religion come up as well. Or if he asks why I'm single.

Ok, this is off-topic, but I hate when men ask this question. I think it's a rude and sexist question and I really don't feel that any woman should answer it.

You're single because you dang well want to be. It's not a crime to be single. And hey, I assume these men who ask are single themselves (since they're trying to get with you), so what business do they have asking women why they are?

Sorry but this just gets me.


Anyway, I agree with you Divine on how you handle things.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Ok, this is off-topic, but I hate when men ask this question. I think it's a rude and sexist question and I really don't feel that any woman should answer it.

You're single because you dang well want to be. It's not a crime to be single. And hey, I assume these men who ask are single themselves (since they're trying to get with you), so what business do they have asking women why they are?

Sorry but this just gets me.


Anyway, I agree with you Divine on how you handle things.

Girl, you and me both. It's really none of his business anyway, but I've had quite a few dudes ask this question. Half the time, I get smart and say, "Because I'm smart." But I mean, really, they act like there must be something wrong if you're single...like if you were legit you'd have a man. That is sooo not the case. Half the time, the sane & sophisticated ladies are single b/c they're not settling for all this foolishness goin on.

A couple of weeks ago, this guy that I'm talking to asked me that question, and I just asked it back instead of answering it. Once he heard how stupid and rude it sounds, he apologized and found a more polite way of asking if I was single by choice which was what he wanted to know. I told him that he shouldn't ask anyone else that b/c it's rude and annoying...if there's something specific he's after, he should simple ask. I think he appreciated me schooling him on that.

 

[Bunny77]

Girl, you and me both. It's really none of his business anyway, but I've had quite a few dudes ask this question. Half the time, I get smart and say, "Because I'm smart." But I mean, really, they act like there must be something wrong if you're single...like if you were legit you'd have a man. That is sooo not the case. Half the time, the sane & sophisticated ladies are single b/c they're not settling for all this foolishness goin on.

A couple of weeks ago, this guy that I'm talking to asked me that question, and I just asked it back instead of answering it. Once he heard how stupid and rude it sounds, he apologized and found a more polite way of asking if I was single by choice which was what he wanted to know. I told him that he shouldn't ask anyone else that b/c it's rude and annoying...if there's something specific he's after, he should simple ask. I think he appreciated me schooling him on that.

Thanks for responding! I'm going to have to use your answers next time I get asked that! I usually end up coming off like I'm upset that I'm single whenever I answer the question and that's not the case... I'm just upset at the question! I'm trying to find a way to school men who ask this instead of yelling at them.

Think I'll start another post on the Off Topics Forum so I don't hijack this one...

Anyway, back to this topic. I've been celibate for 3 years and I haven't yet been in a situation where I've had to deal with this issue. I've dated in those 3 years, but haven't been in a relationship and my dates have all been of a platonic nature.

However, I'm sure that I'll eventually find someone that I like and I have to make sure not to get myself in too deep before I suddenly say, "Hey, I'm going to wait for marriage!" So this topic is a good one. I'm taking notes!

 

[bajanplums1]

Good News ladies. So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it. He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life. I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far. Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him. He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried. I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.

He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted. I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him. I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.

Hmmm...I wonder why he didn't respond. That could mean a lot of different things...

Girl I feel you on how hard it is to be obedient, but the reward is WELL worth it. If he's about his issue, then he'll stick around and if not, you didn't need him anyway. What God has for you is for you.

 

[Blossssom]

If you're dealing with a true Christian, you won't have to tell him. He'll already know

 

[Belle Du Jour]

If you're dealing with a true Christian, you won't have to tell him. He'll already know

I was about to post the same thing! He should know if he's in the Church. If he was not a devout Christian, he might not know.

As far as telling a guy that you don't engage in premarital sex or you sexual status, I don't think every guy needs to know that. If it's a guy who you think has serious potential, then I would break it down after he bought the issue of sex up. If it was someone I didn't know very well or wasn't sure if the relationship was headed in a serious direction, I'd tell him that sex talk was not appropriate at that time.

 

[firecracker]

I'd tell him when he tries to busted a move. The minute he tries to touch the twins slap his hand with the bible.

 

[locabouthair]

I'd tell him when he tries to busted a move. The minute he tries to touch the twins slap his hand with the bible.

you are funny.

 

[locabouthair]

I was about to post the same thing! He should know if he's in the Church. If he was not a devout Christian, he might not know.

As far as telling a guy that you don't engage in premarital sex or you sexual status, I don't think every guy needs to know that. If it's a guy who you think has serious potential, then I would break it down after he bought the issue of sex up. If it was someone I didn't know very well or wasn't sure if the relationship was headed in a serious direction, I'd tell him that sex talk was not appropriate at that time.

i usually do the opposite. i have a habit of telling guys right away that they're not getting any. i felt that if i tell them in the beginning and they tell me they cant deal with it i wont be wasting any time getting to know them. but i can say even though i do tell guys in the beginning they dont always listen. this is a great thread by the way

 

[star]

Good News ladies. So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it. He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life. I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.

May can always tell what kind of woman they are dealing with.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Good News ladies. So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it. He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life. I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.

Well that's refreshing and encouraging! Good luck bajan!

 

[firecracker]

i usually do the opposite. i have a habit of telling guys right away that they're not getting any. i felt that if i tell them in the beginning and they tell me they cant deal with it i wont be wasting any time getting to know them. but i can say even though i do tell guys in the beginning they dont always listen. this is a great thread by the way

Heck that makes them stay around for the challenge. All good cuz I love gifts and not giving in! If they are really a christian trying to do right. They take measures to avoid being in a uncomfy situation and getting slapped with the bible.

 

[divinefavor]

This is a very good thread!

 

[Stylepink]

I used to tell my dates when they called and asked for the first date! I had no problems asking exactly what they expected out of a date with me, and what they were going to get. I made it very clear that I did not believe in premarital sex and that I didn't want them to waste thier time if that was what they were after. Once that was out of they way, and they still wanted to date me, we could relax and have a fun time.

 

[Chichi]

I used to only date men of like mind (equally yoked) so there was never really explaining to do.
Chichi

 

[LovelyZ]

I don't think it is necessary to tell a man until you really get to know each other. It can be a turnoff to throw it out there to soon. And that doesn't mean that the guy would necessarily have a problem with it; but I think it's better to let him know you first. If it comes up sooner, then I would be honest about it and let him know.

 

[sithembile]

I used to only date men of like mind (equally yoked) so there was never really explaining to do.
Chichi

ITA, if you date a Christian, then HE wouldn't want to engage in pre-marital sex.

 

[cocoberry10]

Be aware that God may be testing you to see if you love Him more than others. This is the precise time for you to exercise your faith in GOd and what you have learned as a Christian. Leave the outcome totally in God's hands he knows whats best.

I agree. It's important to bring it up at the beginning, because we need to be honest with guys. We don't have to cram our holiness down their throats, but I equate it with finding out something very private about him that could affect whether you want to stay in a relationship with him. The beginning does not necessarily mean the first time you all go out, but it should come soon after that.

I have definitely dealt with guys not returning phone calls. I have had guys actually laugh in my face and say it's 2005, it's 2006 (whatever year it is). I've even had "Christian" people tell me that I'm crazy to expect a man to
wait for me.

I won't lie, it's difficult at times. It use to be really difficult watching my friends in relationships, while I was spending another night at home, or out with platonic friends. However, I realize that everything works in God's perfect timing!

It's so important to remind yourself of the blessings of a celibate lifestyle. Here are just a few:

Main Advantage: You can enhance or develop your relationship with God.

(1) No concern for Birth Control (unless you use it to control your menstrual cycle),

(2) NO STD scares

(3) No pregnancy scares (Yours or someone elses, God forbid some men are not faithful to their women!)

(4) No emotional attachment to someone who is only in it for physical gratification.

(5) No breakups

(6) You can come and go as you please.

There are many others, but I think this sizes it up. Good luck and God bless. Also, it helps to have a support team, a sister circle of other women in your own social circle who are also practicing this. As the saying goes, there is strength in numbers! If you don't have this, just pray that God will bring these strong women/men into your life.

 

[sithembile]

I agree. It's important to bring it up at the beginning, because we need to be honest with guys. We don't have to cram our holiness down their throats, but I equate it with finding out something very private about him that could affect whether you want to stay in a relationship with him. The beginning does not necessarily mean the first time you all go out, but it should come soon after that.

I have definitely dealt with guys not returning phone calls. I have had guys actually laugh in my face and say it's 2005, it's 2006 (whatever year it is). I've even had "Christian" people tell me that I'm crazy to expect a man to
wait for me.

I won't lie, it's difficult at times. It use to be really difficult watching my friends in relationships, while I was spending another night at home, or out with platonic friends. However, I realize that everything works in God's perfect timing!

It's so important to remind yourself of the blessings of a celibate lifestyle. Here are just a few:

Main Advantage: You can enhance or develop your relationship with God.

(1) No concern for Birth Control (unless you use it to control your menstrual cycle),

(2) NO STD scares

(3) No pregnancy scares (Yours or someone elses, God forbid some men are not faithful to their women!)

(4) No emotional attachment to someone who is only in it for physical gratification.

(5) No breakups

(6) You can come and go as you please.

There are many others, but I think this sizes it up. Good luck and God bless. Also, it helps to have a support team, a sister circle of other women in your own social circle who are also practicing this. As the saying goes, there is strength in numbers! If you don't have this, just pray that God will bring these strong women/men into your life.

This is really good!

 

[ChildlikeEmpress]

"When" doesn't worry me nearly as much as "HOW." How do you say, "I'm not going to have premarital sex" without sounding like a prude? Believe me, I'm not; sex is a HUGE part of what I'm looking forward to in marriage, and I know that if I find someone I really connect with, holding out until then won't be easy. But it's just one of those things that I'm not sure how to put delicately.

~R. :Rose:

 

[qtgirl]

I agree with not saying it like as soon as they ask you for a date; who even said they want to have sex with you? Women get upset when guys bring up sex early in the rlp. so why would you bring up sex so early in the rlp. (whether it's about doing the do or abstaining from sex). Sex should not be the first thing you're thinking about when dating someone and if you bring it up, it's almost like you are just waiting on him to make a move.

I hope that was clear.

 

[Blossssom]

BUMP!

Thanks, Classi, and others who are in accordance!