What's going on with me?

[Seeking8Rights]

Ladies, I'm at a crossroads and trying to figure out what's wrong with me or is it him? Don't know.

None of this information is something I would hide or not tell anyone, so just as an FYI, I am not concerned with "oversharing". I know this is long but the reality is "it just be like that sometimes" and I know you ladies feel me.

I'm a Libra.

My husband a Cancer.

^^ Two very important factors to me.

We have been married for what will be 7 years this March. We didn't really "date" the normal amount of time before getting married. We "dated" for 6 or so weeks and married. We did KNOW for certain that we wanted to marry each other, so we did.

I will admit that I have done somethings that goes against our vows--they were not kept secret, as I told him. We moved on and continued the marriage. We have always shared the goal of providing a homelife for our children that we didn't get such as a two parent home. Mainly that. I love seeing my daughter in her fathers arms--I never had that. I love seeing my son (who is not biologically his) look up to DH and really look up to him not just because. Their bond is like a father/son bond.

By nature I am a loving, giving, happy (yet a little melanchony) and all about relationships. I'm an analyzer who has expectations based upon how I envision things--that make me happy. I think sometimes it's to the extreme but I think that I just love hard. I don't know. I hope I can explain this but in any relationship with a man, I am this way. So, it's not necessarily because my husband is a good person, but that does put the cherry on top. You get me?

Our sex life is great and I can't complain. I am a person who doesn't necessary have to have sex BUT I have learned appreciate it and the role it has in a marriage. I don't just give it up because he wants it, so I'm no slave to this. When it's going down, it's hot and I do little things to foster the romance--I have no problem doing this....BUT (my first but--there will be more)

For me and I think for all women, we connect with our emotions first before anything else---this is starting to be a problem as well.

I am a sensitive person and I will admit that I do care about what people think of me. I interpret ones actions as the way they feel or think about me.

So here I am going on 7 year with a man WHO is a CANCER and lately I have noticed that I have been emotionally selfish and cold towards him. And I don't know how to get out of it. I'm tired of giving and sacrificing. Gosh, its really hard to explain--I enjoy when I'm selfish and this is not like me. Yes, I'm afraid to get hurt because when I am all about him, I get hurt because he does/says something that hurts my feelings. Then I withdraw myself and then when I feel ready, the cycle starts all over. I am tired of this cycle.

Example-
Yesterday we went to a German grocery store. I LOVE living like the locals; he doesn't necessarily enjoy it as much as I do. But he went anyways with me. Goal was to get some fruit and new slippers for the kids.

When I think of grocery shopping with a husband, I think of a team--Both walking along side each other and engaged in the task. So when we grabbed the cart and headed into the store, I noticed he was walking behind me with the kids. This bothered me, so I said in a non threatening way "why ya following me?". He chuckled and said "I'm following you, where else are we (him and the kids) are supposed to walk" He wasn't sacastically chuckled, like this really tickled him. So, I pretty much clamed up and resorted to minimum communication--I was hurt.

So we got the stuff and as we we're leaving the store he asked me why I didn't "shop" like I normally do and what's wrong. I kept it short and said "nothing". We drove home and I wasn't initiating any convo like I normally do. So he starts to ask me if I would like him to start some other projects -- like hang some pictures up I bought. I responded with "naw, just leave that stuff, I'll figure it out". Again--not like me. So when we arrive home, he gets out the car and then says "see honey, I shoveled the snow because I didn't want you to slip and I wanted to show you that I love you." I'm thinking--First, I wasn't worried about no snow and if you wanted to show some love then you would have put on the "amazing race" shirt when we were at the store". I was thinking this, but what came out my mouth was "thanks dear".

Later that evening I got over my feelings and warmed up to him. Things were fine until he made a "I am better than others" comment and I again--clamed up and am in my cave.

I don't know how to stop this. What's really bothering me is that we are opposites and it's getting to me. I'm trying, but everyday I think--this man is a good one (in terms of not being lazy, provider, etc, etc) but we are not like >>>here<<<<. I know that some of it has to do with my gradual tranformation due to Buddhism. Gosh I wish we shared that--but we don't.

My mom says to do me FIRST and him last. If I don't feel like talking--then don't and that should be applied across the board. I love my mom, but she has been married 3 times so eventhough I consider her advise--her past marital decisions doesn't match up with my goals in terms of marriage. But a part of me says--maybe I should just "do me", then I think .

I could go on, but I think ya'll can get what I'm saying. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll answer them as best I could.

So, ladies who have maybe been in this situation--do you have any insight on what I could be going through? Have you been there to some degree and what did you do? Is it me or him and I am just like an animal responding to the environment--hence this is natural? My goal is to be married for 18 plus--so I'm willing to bend to win. Or should I?

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Alright, so I've taken my shower for the day and thought about it - I think I'm going through one of my "introvertisms", it's weird.

So, I think to resolve this feeling, I'm going to just "keep swimming" and focus on making my corn bisque with sausage.

Maybe I'm analyzing things too much.

 

[Jazala]

Hmmm, maybe your issues go much deeper than what I'm seeing here but from the examples you provided all I can see is a communication issue on your part. How about talking about what you want instead of keeping your visions of how things should be bottled up? Do you expect your husband to read your mind?

For example, instead of saying "why ya following me?" you could have just as easily said "come walk besides me *wink*" or hold his hand so that he would need to walk beside you, or let him push the cart and you go walk near him.

I'm sure that before you can expect to be >>>here<<<< with someone you have to be able to convey your wants and needs in a nice way. He does sound like a really good man going out of his way to make you happy. Give him the ammo to do this according to your vision.

 

[JFemme]

Wow.

So many thoughts, Imma have to process then return...but what stands out is...

-You seem hesitant to give yourself over to the marriage..

-Its quite a difficult task to do what your true heart desires with no support for such..

- I agree w/ Jaz about communication as a possible issue to tackle. We took several couples communications courses early in the marriage. While helpful, they did not solve the problems to be honest..(and possibly oversharing j/k)

 

[runwaydream]

i agree w. jazala. i think you're expecting too much from him. guys really ARE clueless and things we think they should get they don't.

i mean, when he asked where are we supposed to walk, you could've just laughed and said "besides me" or something. i dont really understand why you got so upset.

i think you just need to be more vocal.

and marriage isn't about just "doing you." i don't understand how you expect to be >>>here<<< when all you're worried about is yourself and your own emotions.

have you considered marriage counseling?

has your husband commented on your attitude?

 

[ThickHair]

Doing you ended when you got married. It is now about doing us, with a little me time on the side.

I am just going to come out and say it, it sounds like you don't want to be with him right now. It's like you want to runaway for a bit, just you and your thoughts and then come home like nothing has happened. Unfortunately you can't do that.

 

[awhyley]

I don't know really how to address your problem, because it sounds as if he is really trying to help you in the best way that he knows how. But from the post, I have two questions for you,

(i) What's the significance of the zodiacs? Regardless of your temperaments, you decided to commit to one another for better or for worse.

My goal is to be married for 18 plus--so I'm willing to bend to win.

(ii) Why is 18+ years so important to you? Are you in competition? And who are you in competition with? Marriage is about teamwork, you're supposed to win TOGETHER.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think you're just going through one of those rough patches.

You're also trying to "tell" him things in the most indirect manner, which men don't pick up on. The best way to tell someone what you want ... is to tell them directly. You're getting upset when he can't read between the lines and that's unfair IMO

 

[Renewed1]

I agree with everyone. It is your lack of communication; tell your husband your expectations and allow him to tell you his expectations.

 

[honeycomb719]

Excellent responses so far ladies. I can understand where the OP is coming from. I have many momemts like this in my marriage. I know we have communication problems. I times I feel some stuff goes without being said. Not the example OP gave, but in other situations. Some men dont like being told/asked what to do. It is somehow interpeted as being ruling I think.

 

[sidney]

I'm not married, but I wanted to offer advice so you can take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. Men are clueless to what we want sometimes and they feel frustrated and inadequate when they can't guess what you need! Tell him what u want.

2. He is doing things for you and that proves he loves you. Men show their love by providing. So it seems that he is a good man.

3. Do NOT base your love with this man on horoscopes. ALL men and women are opposites and have difficulty understanding eachother.

4. Your mom gave you really really bad advice. Marriage is about serving the other person, not putting yourself first.

5. Unconditional love means not treating him based on how you perceive he is treating you, it means giving him what you desire he gives you.

6. You mention that you 'clam' up. It seems you are trying to protect yourself from the hurt of his comments. But if you can't be open with your husband, who can be open with? Tell him how you feel and take ownership of your feelings so he doesn't feel accused. (ex. when you said X, it made me feel Y)

 

[ladylibra_30]

@S8R - Hello fellow Libran!

Your element is air and your husband's is water - You could do birth charts (DOB, time of birth, and city/ST of birth) to get much needed info and detailed explanations of your union - astrological wise.

Seems like you are fault-finding which is a typical libran trait (negative). I know from first-hand experience as well as relating to the melancholy periods. However, recognize it and rise above and aggressively seek the good - TO BALANCE THINGS OUT. Afterall, we Librans are all about balance!

I could go on but I'll let you chew on what I've written so far.

(((S8R))))

Like the posters have been saying:
Cancer Man and Libra Woman
This match has as many chances of working as of not-working. The initial start will be very good, the main problem will come in making it work, on a much more permanent basis. One of the areas where differences will crop up is the money department, he loves to save and she loves to shop. He is much more practical and sensible than she is. Infact, she is more carefree about life and likes to take each day as it comes. He may at times not express his feelings fully, which will frustrate her very much. The best way to make this match work is by conversing.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow... I don't know where to begin.

Let me first of all start off by saying that the ladies here are giving you good advice! I echo most of their same sentiments.

Sadly, I personally think that you two got married too quickly. I believe you said that you two got married after 6 or so weeks. Wow...that's not enough time to know someone IMO. I don't know if anyone else has said this, but this is just my PERSONAL opinion. This isn't to say that you two shouldn't have gotten married, but just that you two may have benefited more from a little more time getting to know each other...ie. at least 6 months maybe instead of just 6 weeks.

But anyway, now that you are married I agree that communication is the KEY! I tend to clam up, or get quiet too when people have offended me, and although I'm working on this, it's very hard! I used to be worse. Before I used to just give people the "silent treatment", so I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've gotten a lot better, but I still need to work on it every now and then.

One thing that I realized is that when you DON'T communicate, then everyone is in the dark. It's better to let it out. At least then he knows where you stand.

Also, men are NOT mind-readers. In fact, I've realized that some men can be just plain dense when it comes to certain things! I agree with others that maybe you could have mentioned to your husband in a playful or light way that you wanted him to walk WITH you instead of behind you.

However, I'm also getting the feeling that there are some deeper issues going on within you that are causing you to feel "left out" in the first place if your man or kids are walking behind you. Take a look at your expectations or your "interpretation" of things, and make sure that they aren't too narrow. Because I know when I expect certain things from people, or interpret people's actions to "mean" some thing in particular, this is when I end up the MOST hurt.

WE are the ones who give meaning to actions...not the other way around. So ask yourself: "What type of meaning am I giving to my husband's actions??" I notice how him walking behind you must have "meant" something bad in your mind, but yet the fact that he shoveled the driveway for you so you didn't slip was kind of brushed off or glossed over. That's something you might want to consider and think about. :scratchch

You seem like you have a good husband, and you seem to be a good person, so I don't think that EITHER of you have something "wrong". In other words, I don't think it's you, and I don't think it's him. I just think that better communication, and maybe changing your interpretation of some of his actions might help a lot.

I had to learn the hard way that men don't like drama. They don't like to feel like they have to walk on eggshells with a woman, or every single little thing is going to make her clam up, or lash out in anger etc... I bet your husband has no idea what's going on. SO, just be honest with him on things that REALLY matter. The other stuff you can change your outlook on, or just brush them off. You kind of have to pick your battles sometimes.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

^^^^well said!

 

[hairhere]

Ladies, I'm at a crossroads and trying to figure out what's wrong with me or is it him? Don't know.

None of this information is something I would hide or not tell anyone, so just as an FYI, I am not concerned with "oversharing". I know this is long but the reality is "it just be like that sometimes" and I know you ladies feel me.

I'm a Libra.

My husband a Cancer.

^^ Two very important factors to me.

We have been married for what will be 7 years this March. We didn't really "date" the normal amount of time before getting married. We "dated" for 6 or so weeks and married. We did KNOW for certain that we wanted to marry each other, so we did.

I will admit that I have done somethings that goes against our vows--they were not kept secret, as I told him. We moved on and continued the marriage. We have always shared the goal of providing a homelife for our children that we didn't get such as a two parent home. Mainly that. I love seeing my daughter in her fathers arms--I never had that. I love seeing my son (who is not biologically his) look up to DH and really look up to him not just because. Their bond is like a father/son bond.

By nature I am a loving, giving, happy (yet a little melanchony) and all about relationships. I'm an analyzer who has expectations based upon how I envision things--that make me happy. I think sometimes it's to the extreme but I think that I just love hard. I don't know. I hope I can explain this but in any relationship with a man, I am this way. So, it's not necessarily because my husband is a good person, but that does put the cherry on top. You get me?

Our sex life is great and I can't complain. I am a person who doesn't necessary have to have sex BUT I have learned appreciate it and the role it has in a marriage. I don't just give it up because he wants it, so I'm no slave to this. When it's going down, it's hot and I do little things to foster the romance--I have no problem doing this....BUT (my first but--there will be more)

For me and I think for all women, we connect with our emotions first before anything else---this is starting to be a problem as well.

I am a sensitive person and I will admit that I do care about what people think of me. I interpret ones actions as the way they feel or think about me.

So here I am going on 7 year with a man WHO is a CANCER and lately I have noticed that I have been emotionally selfish and cold towards him. And I don't know how to get out of it. I'm tired of giving and sacrificing. Gosh, its really hard to explain--I enjoy when I'm selfish and this is not like me. Yes, I'm afraid to get hurt because when I am all about him, I get hurt because he does/says something that hurts my feelings. Then I withdraw myself and then when I feel ready, the cycle starts all over. I am tired of this cycle.

Example-
Yesterday we went to a German grocery store. I LOVE living like the locals; he doesn't necessarily enjoy it as much as I do. But he went anyways with me. Goal was to get some fruit and new slippers for the kids.

When I think of grocery shopping with a husband, I think of a team--Both walking along side each other and engaged in the task. So when we grabbed the cart and headed into the store, I noticed he was walking behind me with the kids. This bothered me, so I said in a non threatening way "why ya following me?". He chuckled and said "I'm following you, where else are we (him and the kids) are supposed to walk" He wasn't sacastically chuckled, like this really tickled him. So, I pretty much clamed up and resorted to minimum communication--I was hurt.

So we got the stuff and as we we're leaving the store he asked me why I didn't "shop" like I normally do and what's wrong. I kept it short and said "nothing". We drove home and I wasn't initiating any convo like I normally do. So he starts to ask me if I would like him to start some other projects -- like hang some pictures up I bought. I responded with "naw, just leave that stuff, I'll figure it out". Again--not like me. So when we arrive home, he gets out the car and then says "see honey, I shoveled the snow because I didn't want you to slip and I wanted to show you that I love you." I'm thinking--First, I wasn't worried about no snow and if you wanted to show some love then you would have put on the "amazing race" shirt when we were at the store". I was thinking this, but what came out my mouth was "thanks dear".

Later that evening I got over my feelings and warmed up to him. Things were fine until he made a "I am better than others" comment and I again--clamed up and am in my cave.

I don't know how to stop this. What's really bothering me is that we are opposites and it's getting to me. I'm trying, but everyday I think--this man is a good one (in terms of not being lazy, provider, etc, etc) but we are not like >>>here<<<<. I know that some of it has to do with my gradual tranformation due to Buddhism. Gosh I wish we shared that--but we don't.

My mom says to do me FIRST and him last. If I don't feel like talking--then don't and that should be applied across the board. I love my mom, but she has been married 3 times so eventhough I consider her advise--her past marital decisions doesn't match up with my goals in terms of marriage. But a part of me says--maybe I should just "do me", then I think .

I could go on, but I think ya'll can get what I'm saying. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll answer them as best I could.

So, ladies who have maybe been in this situation--do you have any insight on what I could be going through? Have you been there to some degree and what did you do? Is it me or him and I am just like an animal responding to the environment--hence this is natural? My goal is to be married for 18 plus--so I'm willing to bend to win. Or should I?

Just commenting on the importance of astrology to you. You seem to put heavy emphasis on your sun signs...if you want a true astrological peak into things you should do a chart and look at sun-potential/moon-emotions/venus-relationships/mars-conflict/mercury- communication. www.astro.com helps in arranging profiles. I mention this as you seem to have some scorpio traits.

HTH

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Thank you ladies and you all have some very good points and have hit the nail on a few things. I'll try to answer questions in one post.

Communication issue - yes I do struggle at times for many of reasons - prior to marriage, I wasn't a communicator. If a person (male or female) hurt me or did me wrong, I would just disappear. And I realize that I am still dealing with this. My mother didn't raise me like this, it's just something that developed. My biggest fear in life is getting hurt by a male that I have given myself to or let in my life (my husband is really the ONLY man who KNOWS me and has seen me in my worse and my best) -- maybe because I was raised without my father so experiencing hurt digs up issues.

I also never wanted to be like a friend of my mothers - This lady always complained that her husband did nothing and sent her to do everything. One of the reasons why I am so stern about having a marriage centered around "partnership". So that feeling creeped up in the grocery store and I know I shouldn't worry about what seen on the outside, but I did and I am learning.

The reason his sign is so important to me is because I do believe that signs play a factor into compatibility. When we first met, I read a compatibility report that said we were at a 50/50 success rate due to our traits, I went with the 50% odds that we would suceed because I fell so hard for him. And we will. I love him and he is a good man, he just works my nerves at times and his personality pushes on hurts/areas that I thought were gone.

Did *we* marry to soon? Heck yeah we did! I mean we fell hard for each other; hard. I couldn't breath without him and he couldn't either. Which was very weird for me because I wasn't looking for an exclusive relationship per se, I was hanging out.

As for the 18+ marriage statement, I said 18 plus because I have a friend who just celebrated her 18th anniversary and I really look up to her and her husbands commitment to stay together - especially being military of which we are and the divorce rate is HIGH amongst military. Not competing, but heck yeah I want to follow the same path and I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. I'm not wishing to divorce or wishing to raise to children on my own for a cause of my own.

But like one of the posters said, we are going through a ruff patch and indeed we are. And there are times when I want to runaway and come back like nothing ever happened. Might be due to me being an only child where I am so "individualized" in some areas.

So this past weekend was one of my "days" in which I needed to just chill the heck out and have some me time which I did when I was cooking. Later we talked and I did tell him (even though I was fearful of getting hurt by him saying save the drama) how I felt, he listened and said okay he'll get work on getting more excited about going into the German store (which made me laugh) if I be patient with him. He does the same with video games - I'm like blah and will be that way if he asks me to play and it frustrates him, so I get it.

But yes, outside of this ending on a good note between us, you ladies did touch on some stuff that I do need to work out. I am in no way offended by the truth. Thanks ladies.

 

[MD_Lady]

I'm glad to hear things are going better, but I especially had to give you on this part:

...So this past weekend was one of my "days" in which I needed to just chill the heck out and have some me time which I did when I was cooking. Later we talked and I did tell him (even though I was fearful of getting hurt by him saying save the drama) how I felt, he listened and said okay he'll get work on getting more excited about going into the German store (which made me laugh) if I be patient with him. He does the same with video games - I'm like blah and will be that way if he asks me to play and it frustrates him, so I get it...

Best of luck to you S8R!!!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Awesome!!

That's great! You know, sometimes simple calm communication between two people can help to clear up a LOT of stuff. It usually draws people closer together as well. I had to learn this eventually the hard way.

If anything, it definitely lets the other person know where you stand, and then you can stop worrying about the "what if's". It definitely allows YOU to relax and feel less anxiety/stress/hidden resentment.