What would you do in this situation?

[MissJ]

he says hurtful things during the time of the break up like: "you're ugly" "no one is gonna want u after me" "that's why u can't have kids".

What the h___? I would leave him alone to find someone else to emotionally abuse. He's a man who's not worth having!

My ex use to say things like that. He even contemplated writing his aunt a letter who had been trying to have kids for 10 years that said, "That's why you can't have kids." I had to stop him!

 

[MissJ]

He and I would have to sit down and talk. If through the talking it still isn't reaching him then he needs to leave. I understand that people change when a loved one passes on but the way he's acting is ridiculous.

What is there to talk about?

 

[ebonylocs]

Is this the kind of treatment that women put up with in the name of "love"?

Even in the most trying times, love is not abusive and callous. Love shouldn't make you feel like ****. It should not diminish you.

 

[Ladybelle]

Men, especially young men go through something terrible when they lose their mom's. It does something to the core of their being. They way the respond to this hurt varies from man to man. It seems yours has taken it as something terrible. I'm no psychologist- but there's certainly a reason for his behavior. Maybe he's afraid to love you like he did before & put his guard up because he's afraid of losing you too.... I personally know men who never recovered from losing their mother.

If you love him- you'll encourage him to get help & be there for him. Don't just all willy nilly leave him hanging- what he needs to do is deal with his feelings and maybe even be alone for awhile.

If you love you- you'll do what's best for you and your emotional being, being there for him does not mean losing yourself for him. You can be there for him in your own place. You can be his friend without being his girlfriend.

Hopefully you can find some common ground between loving him & loving you.

What you continue to settle for now, will be what you will continue to deal with later. The choice is yours.

Sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.

 

[Dragone]

He started out loving and has now turned verbally abusive and uses his loss to guilt, confine, and restrict you into maintaining this relationship? It sounds exactly like the first stages of an abuser imo, and you should make him leave, or leave yourself immediately. The greatest gift you can give him if you feel love for him is to suggest counseling, but do NOT stay and remain his verbal punching bag (and maybe more later). Stop thinking you owe him something, you have poured your heart into trying to fix something that's broken and it's not working, you owe him nothing.

More women need to read The Gift of Fear and stop tolerating abuse and misconstruing it with love.

 

[Zaynab]

Men, especially young men go through something terrible when they lose their mom's. It does something to the core of their being. They way the respond to this hurt varies from man to man. It seems yours has taken it as something terrible. I'm no psychologist- but there's certainly a reason for his behavior. Maybe he's afraid to love you like he did before & put his guard up because he's afraid of losing you too.... I personally know men who never recovered from losing their mother.

If you love him- you'll encourage him to get help & be there for him. Don't just all willy nilly leave him hanging- what he needs to do is deal with his feelings and maybe even be alone for awhile.

If you love you- you'll do what's best for you and your emotional being, being there for him does not mean losing yourself for him. You can be there for him in your own place. You can be his friend without being his girlfriend.

Hopefully you can find some common ground between loving him & loving you.

What you continue to settle for now, will be what you will continue to deal with later. The choice is yours.

Sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.

I disagree with giving this advice to the OP. If it were her husband yes, but telling to the OP to stick with this man is sending the wrong message to her and all the other women that are "settling"and hanging on to a man that isn't worth it. FIve years from now she will be posting about why he hasn't married her.

Yes his mom died but the things he's saying and doing to OP is not a projection of mourning, be real.

 

[Ladybelle]

I disagree with giving this advice to the OP. If it were her husband yes, but telling to the OP to stick with this man is sending the wrong message to her and all the other women that are "settling"and hanging on to a man that isn't worth it. FIve years from now she will be posting about why he hasn't married her.

Yes his mom died but the things he's saying and doing to OP is not a projection of mourning, be real.

I see you misread my response- see the bolded for emphasis on the part you neglected. If she loves him, NO, I don't think she should just leave him hanging-- I'm cool with her kicking him out because I'm not one for shacking anway, BUT she can be there for him without exposing herself to the harsh treatment. She can be a FRIEND vs a girlfriend. That does not mean tolerate his foolishness.

We're all so quick to say, leave. I'm saying seperate yourself and try to be there for him because that's what love does. When he gets better & if he gets better, they will have a friendship to build upon vs an abandoned relationship. If he never gets better, he nor she can say she wasn't at least a friend.... is there something wrong with that?

eta: And, don't forget to pray for him, for God to help him deal with his grief, to convict him in his heart for his wrongdoing. Praying would be step one & would be a crucial part of every other step.

Originally Posted by asuperwoman
Men, especially young men go through something terrible when they lose their mom's. It does something to the core of their being. They way the respond to this hurt varies from man to man. It seems yours has taken it as something terrible. I'm no psychologist- but there's certainly a reason for his behavior. Maybe he's afraid to love you like he did before & put his guard up because he's afraid of losing you too.... I personally know men who never recovered from losing their mother.

If you love him- you'll encourage him to get help & be there for him. Don't just all willy nilly leave him hanging- what he needs to do is deal with his feelings and maybe even be alone for awhile.
If you love you- you'll do what's best for you and your emotional being, being there for him does not mean losing yourself for him. You can be there for him in your own place. You can be his friend without being his girlfriend.

Hopefully you can find some common ground between loving him & loving you.

What you continue to settle for now, will be what you will continue to deal with later. The choice is yours.

Sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard.

 

[BrownieBrie]

I see you misread my response- see the bolded for emphasis on the part you neglected. If she loves him, NO, I don't think she should just leave him hanging-- I'm cool with her kicking him out because I'm not one for shacking anway, BUT she can be there for him without exposing herself to the harsh treatment. She can be a FRIEND vs a girlfriend. That does not mean tolerate his foolishness.

We're all so quick to say, leave. I'm saying seperate yourself and try to be there for him because that's what love does. When he gets better & if he gets better, they will have a friendship to build upon vs an abandoned relationship. If he never gets better, he nor she can say she wasn't at least a friend.... is there something wrong with that?

eta: And, don't forget to pray for him, for God to help him deal with his grief, to convict him in his heart for his wrongdoing. Praying would be step one & would be a crucial part of every other step.

I don't see any reason why she should feel compelled to be his friend. I don't get how disrespect and emotional abuse qualifies you for friendship. He would probably treat her the same way with a different label. She should pray for him, but thats all she should do.

 

[Zaynab]

I see you misread my response- see the bolded for emphasis on the part you neglected. If she loves him, NO, I don't think she should just leave him hanging-- I'm cool with her kicking him out because I'm not one for shacking anway, BUT she can be there for him without exposing herself to the harsh treatment. She can be a FRIEND vs a girlfriend. That does not mean tolerate his foolishness.

We're all so quick to say, leave. I'm saying seperate yourself and try to be there for him because that's what love does. When he gets better & if he gets better, they will have a friendship to build upon vs an abandoned relationship. If he never gets better, he nor she can say she wasn't at least a friend.... is there something wrong with that?

eta: And, don't forget to pray for him, for God to help him deal with his grief, to convict him in his heart for his wrongdoing. Praying would be step one & would be a crucial part of every other step.

@ the first bolded-Nope I didn't misunderstand at all.

@ the second--but why suggest she give this man respect that she clearly loves and wants to be with that doesn't deserve it? She doesn't owe him anything IMO. She can continue to love him and pray for him at a distance but keeping him as a friend, boyfriend or anything is detrimental to her mental health. I'm sorry I just think this "we are so quick to say leave" is a major issue in relationships and she's headed down a terrible path is she continues in it. A man that would say hurtful things to her like that, something that is OUTSIDE of his mom's passing---isn't worth "stickng it out for".

I dated someone that lost their parent and he never ever ever treated me in a such a manner, he naturally withdrew emotionally which I understood but he would never have disrespected me and treated me in a such a way.

What's funny is if a woman had of done this to a man, he'd be out with no question and we'd say how wrong she was.

 

[Ladybelle]

@ the first bolded-Nope I didn't misunderstand at all.

@ the second--but why suggest she give this man respect that she clearly loves and wants to be with that doesn't deserve it? She doesn't owe him anything IMO. She can continue to love him and pray for him at a distance but keeping him as a friend, boyfriend or anything is detrimental to her mental health. I'm sorry I just think this "we are so quick to say leave" is a major issue in relationships and she's headed down a terrible path is she continues in it. A man that would say hurtful things to her like that, something that is OUTSIDE of his mom's passing---isn't worth "stickng it out for".

I dated someone that lost their parent and he never ever ever treated me in a such a manner, he naturally withdrew emotionally which I understood but he would never have disrespected me and treated me in a such a way.

What's funny is if a woman had of done this to a man, he'd be out with no question and we'd say how wrong she was.

Let's just say we agree to disagree, respectfully of course.

She's not married to him, so she's free to bounce. It sounds to me like she loves him - so leaving is not going to be easy. It might be easier for her to reconcile her leaving or putting him out if she manages to maintain some type of friendship with him.

I've seen relationships survive so many things, and I think that if she or anyone else wants to at least try to make their relationship work - they should put the effort in before throwing up the deuces.Everyone's boundaries are different, what you may deal with may be totally different from someone else.

It ultimately comes down to her decision. But, I believe the strongest relationships- the ones that last & endure are those who have stood through the hard times & didn't just say "see ya" when the hard times arose. That doesn't mean she has to continue to let him stay with her nor does she have to tolerate his abuse , but she can be there IF he needs her to be. I think he is depressed & one of the main symptoms of depression in men is ANGER, especially towards those they love. They become more irritable & agressive... but, why should she care about that? My theory is that if she loves him, she should. See link http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-men - and any other search will pretty much tell you the same thing about men & depression.


Obviously, something is going on with him because she made it clear he wasn't like this before his mother passed. If she loves him the way she says she does - isn't it worth digging into? Encouraging him to get counseling? Even if it is from a distance?

I believe she can love herself without forsaking her love for him. She just has to figure out the best way to do that -a way that doesn't continue to hurt her. It can be done.
That's all IMHO.

 

[Zaynab]

^^^^^^ Yes we will have to agree to disagree.

There is no way to reason staying with a man that is being emotionally abusive

 

[Ladybelle]

^^^^^^ Yes we will have to agree to disagree.

There is no way to reason staying with a man that is being emotionally abusive

I didn't say stay with him- like relationships, it's never that simple. I wish it were though.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

^^ I understand he might need help but think about OP. His comments have broken her down. She might need to separate herself from him for HER OWN SAKE. Her love for him will be her downfall because it ain't all that easy to be 'just friends' with a man you love. 'Just friends' turns into 'friends with benefits' which will turn into a messy and confusing situation, especially with a guy who is abusing you verbally and seems depressed and broken at the moment. This isn't her husband and her well-being comes first.

 

[Frostipuff]

Love is hard. If you want to see him through this dark period, you must move out.
This is not the time to live with him. Suggest therapy or at the very least, let him
have space to work through his depression. If he works through it and you two are
still together-great. If not, at least you won't be subject to verbal abuse on the
regular. Love and protect yourself first and foremost.

In my opinion, he is not at a place in his life where he can give you the love and
respect you need and DESERVE. Move out or have him move out ASAP.

 

[panamoni]

He's verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Therefore, you need to leave to protect your own sanity and work on loving yourself.

He has issues that you cannot help him with. He needs to get help, and hopefully, when he hits his bottom, he'll seek out that help.

 

[JerriBlank]

What in the...???!!!
Op,after only one year,you don't know this man from a can of paint.
It is too early in the "relationship" for him to be showing his arse already.By that i mean that this is normally the phase where men are putting their best foot forward and then some!
They are trying to woo you,and they are doing the peacock strut to show off their best assets to try and hold you.

If he is acting a donkey right now,how better do you think it will get over time? It won't go anywhere but down from here.He has said some down and outright hateful things to you. Yeah i know of about four women off the top of my head that stayed with men like this,feeling responsible for his well being when the men couldn't give a damnn!
They married them(what abusive man would leave a relationship when they have found someone to take care of all of their needs while giving nothing back in return) and they all became battered wives.
I'm sorry,but he is showing you what to expect in bright lights.Please jump off of his crazy train before he crashes with you on it

 

[Ladybelle]

Love is hard. If you want to see him through this dark period, you must move out.
This is not the time to live with him. Suggest therapy or at the very least, let him
have space to work through his depression. If he works through it and you two are
still together-great. If not, at least you won't be subject to verbal abuse on the
regular. Love and protect yourself first and foremost.

In my opinion, he is not at a place in his life where he can give you the love and
respect you need and DESERVE. Move out or have him move out ASAP.

This is what I was saying... you said it better.

 

[NYAmicas]

Im reading a lot of great points in this thread and best of luck to you OP. Im leaning towards agreeing with the poster that suggeted that the mother's death may just have been coincidental with the change. If he's treating you and his sister like that but not his friends then he can obviously turn on and off the charm. He may have been waiting to show his true nature when you moved in together.