What Would You Do: Asking my husband to turn down dream job for my career

larry3344

larry3344

Well-Known Member

AITA for asking my husband to turn down his dream job for my career?​

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Even though he is taking full advantage of it, he resents her being the breadwinner. He is willing to torpedo her career to get some power back. He’d have them living on 65k or even less (if this job doesn’t work out), just to lull his ego. She is right to divorce him before he can destroy her financial future.
 
He’s making her out to be unsupportive but she seemed fine with him quitting without having another job and supporting him for months.

It sounds like he doesn’t believe it’s as big a deal as she’s saying. He’s thinking she’s overreacting or it’ll never be found out. As the breadwinner and the only one who’ll lose out, she’s taking it seriously.

SITA for jumping to divorce but he is too for putting them in this situation.
 
Theresamonet said:
Even though he is taking full advantage of it, he resents her being the breadwinner. He is willing to torpedo her career to get some power back. He’d have them living on 65k or even less (if this job doesn’t work out), just to lull his ego. She is right to divorce him before he can destroy her financial future.
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Yeah I would divorce him. He can go be the man with someone else.
 
Husband is definitely the AH.
If roles were reversed and it was her giving up a $65k “dream job” while he makes $200k to potentially $1M, it would be a no brainer.

I would divorce him too, he’s jealous, selfish, narcissistic and not thinking about them as a unit.
 
I think it’s a damn shame to have to choose between your job and your marriage. But yes, he is an A-hole for continuing on with the job process. I’m pretty sure he knew when he applied for the job that there was a conflict of interest.

I bet it’s not even his dream job, and he only told her that to manipulate her emotionally.
 
Marriage is a give and take and clearly he isnt willing to take one for the team.

Divorce seems extreme but I cannot think of another alternative. If... no when she gets fired, they cannot live on his salary alone and she cannot get another job in her field. In fact, I dont even think that he will last at this job for long. In fact, he may even sabotage her career by snooping in her client's file for information to progress his own career.
 
LiftedUp said:
Marriage is a give and take and clearly he isnt willing to take one for the team.

Divorce seems extreme but I cannot think of another alternative. If... no when she gets fired, they cannot live on his salary alone and she cannot get another job in her field. In fact, I dont even think that he will last at this job for long. In fact, he may even sabotage her career by snooping in her client's file for information to progress his own career.
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I bet he quits jobs a lot.
 
LiftedUp said:
Marriage is a give and take and clearly he isnt willing to take one for the team.

Divorce seems extreme but I cannot think of another alternative. If... no when she gets fired, they cannot live on his salary alone and she cannot get another job in her field. In fact, I dont even think that he will last at this job for long. In fact, he may even sabotage her career by snooping in her client's file for information to progress his own career.
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Then, can you imagine? Money is the number one cause of divorce so after it all (he takes the job, she's exposed and loses hers plus is blacklisted), they bicker when she loses her job and separate anyways. AND she's ruined and can't find another job: she's effectively black listed from her industry and has to pivot/adjust elsewhere taking goodness knows how long (possibly having to get another degree unnecessarily when that is not what she wants as she appears to love her job and industry).

It's not just the job it's the emotional guilt and short sighted nature of it all. He is okay with handing his wife a time bomb and shrugging instead of any other option that doesn't damage her.

This says a lot about who he is and how he views and treats the relationship. It will spill over in other ways.
 
This is Exhibit A of why women should not marry down. Especially if it's by a significant amount. 200k+ vs 65k, pre-taxes, in a city? And he doesn't seem to have stability in his field at all. If you have to quit a job to make time to apply for another job, you're doing something wrong. I don't blame her for trying to get out.
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
Someone pointed this out and I am posting it here with emphasis:
Some are saying you've decided your job is important than your husband. They're ignoring that he seems to have decided a job offer is more important than your entire career
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He decided a job he only has an offer for is more important than his wife. They want to skip over that part. He had all information before he made the application. To go forward, he internally had to say I don't care about how she feels or how this impacts the team.

I believe if she left her job for her husband, he would leave her soon because he doesn't respect her. Love a man but love yourself first. JMO
 
B_Phlyy said:
This is Exhibit A of why women should not marry down. Especially if it's by a significant amount. 200k+ vs 65k, pre-taxes, in a city? And he doesn't seem to have stability in his field at all. If you have to quit a job to make time to apply of another job, you're doing something wrong. I don't blame her for trying to get out.
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People in general need to have some realistic conversations about money and lifestyle. A friends now ex wife got upset during a book club discussion about relationships and she mentioned that her work needs should be taken into consideration and if she wanted to move for her job.. Ma'am you are a middle school teacher making 70K he makes 250K+ before bonus you need to find other methods of fulfillment unless you both are ok making a major lifestyle change for your professional fulfillment
 
I remember this post. The whole thing sucked; ESH.

She married down and then expected her husband to just comply. I could only imagine her constantly throwing her career in his face often; its the first thing she led the post with. Who is to say the resentment wasnt there already. I think he took the job to compete with her, which didnt work because she further emasculated him by asking him to decline it with her right there to witness it and reporting it to her job. IDK, maybe Im just untrusting (lol) but I wouldnt be surprised if he got the job because of her (promising to get access to her info). He made enough to stay in a hotel while they divorced; he could have paid his own way so I didnt understand why she offered to pay. Thats a red flag to me. I dont think she loved him, she loved her power over him. Everything about this situation sucks.
 
I would file legal separation from my DH immediately. My DH is pretty traditional, and there are certain compromises I make in our marriage to accommodate his more conservative marital expectations. BUT if he pulled this sort of thing, it's not just being a traditionalist--this is being disrespectful to me personally as a wife, a woman, and a person in an intimate partnership with him. It also would show him to be short-sighted and foolish. If he'd be willing to blow up our entire situation because of his arrogance, I would not be able to trust him to make sound decisions on behalf of our family. In short, I'm out. I'd have enough $ to find a true beta guy.
 
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