What Makes a Good Father?

[Imani]

Is your husband/SO/brother/uncle/father/friend a good father? And why do think they are?

I don't have much experience with this be it that my real father wasn't around and I'm not particularly close to any men who are fathers, so please forgive my ignorance on the subject.

The below two situations made me want to pose this question.

Scenario one-I have a family member who has a coworker who travels for his job. He is older and has been with this company for years, he could work in the main office if he wanted to and see his family every day, but he chooses to do 100% travel bc he likes being on the road. He probably actually could retire at this point if he really wanted to. He is married and has a son who is about 12 or so. Question: can you be a good father only seeing your family on the weekends...basically being a part time parent...by choice?

Scenario two- I have a friend who's father is very financially/professionally successful. He has mutiple children spread out across different women, never married any of them. And my friend has seen him first hand be disrespectful to his mother (calling her a *****) and he has also hit his mom before. His father lives in another state and he spent summer/holidays with his father growing up and always stayed in touch by phone. His father has always supported him financially. He praises his father as being a good father and says that the way he treats women is irrelevant in accessing him as a father. Question: Can you really be a good father if you are not leading by example and disrespecting women in front of your son?

 

[hopeful]

I say no to both scenarios. To me a good father is a good provider, even-tempered, loving, and present. I think my husband is a good father. I wish I'd had a father like him when I was growing up.

 

[Imani]

I say no to both scenarios. To me a good father is a good provider, even-tempered, loving, and present. I think my husband is a good father. I wish I'd had a father like him when I was growing up.

That is so awesome that your husband has those qualities. I hope some other ladies will chime in to tell about men they know who are good fathers. I think I've read before about BMP and some other posters who said they had great fathers.

 

[Makenzie]

Neither father in your scenarios are good fathers. I have a great father. He made sure to teach my brother and I the basics and beyond to be good productive adults. He taught us how to treat people and what we should and should not allow from others. He's generous, loving, smart, and loyal. Now that he is up in age and disabled I am proud to take care of him like he took care of his family.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

For scenario number 2 it reminds me of when we tell kids to stay in a childs place, he didnt (and rightfully so) get involved in his parents relationship and stayed in his capacity as the child. I think that men seperate the way their father are with everybody except them when they evaluate how their fathers are. I've met a lot of black men who praise their dads and disregard any other part of their persona. I'm like that to a certain extent. Even when I couldnt stand my oldest child's father and we argued, hated each other and everything NEITHER one of us thought the other was a bad parent, quite the opposite. What we thought about each other outside of that category was a different story. I couldnt stand to see him breath lol. He has always been a good FATHER just other parts of his personality needed work. Now we've both matured and get along, we call each other here and there to talk about random stuff. He does a really good job of caring and communicating with his daughter (probably better than some parents that are in the same city as their children) even though he is in NY and we are in MICH.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

For scenario 1, He doesn't strike me as a good father, but at the same time, president Obama was a weekend dad in his senator days and one could argue it was by choice, my mom used to travel alot with her firm when we were little too, so there is a pretty big shade of grey there and I'd have to hear more details.

Scenario 2 is a definite FAIL.

My father was super hands on and highly involved with me growing up, he was the primary example of what a responsible, loving father and husband is to me and my brother every day of our lives. Now that I'm grown and have my own opinions we're butting heads alot, but I always know he loves me and would do anything for me.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[ladysaraii]

I say no to both. Scenario 1. I mean you can parents whle traveling, my dad was military and had to travel at times, but mostly he was very present. The fact that he chooses to be away all the time says that no he is probably not a good father

My dad was and is a good father. He was present, he respected my mother, he looked out for our needs, kepts us safe, treated us when he could, pushed us, made sure that we had the best they could offer us, made sure we were doing what we needed to in school, tried to introduce us to different things, made sure we had some continuity and stability.

He's made his mistakes and there are things that probably shoulnd't have been done or said, but you wont find a perfect parent. We've had our ups and downs (mostly normal growing pains) but we are pretty close today

 

[Ladybelle]

I say yes to both.


I think it is possible for a father who only sees his kids on the weekends to be a good father - depending on the circumstances. What if he's working two jobs during the week to provide for the kids?? What good is "quality time" if the lights are off?


And, with scenario two, it's not ideal but I think it is possible to still be a good father and be stupid.Not to defend stupidity or anything, I have known fathers who weren't the best examples (alcoholics, bad husbands, in trouble with the law) contribute to the rearing of successful children. Not because they were the perfect example, but because they genuinely LOVED their children and did the best they could with what they had & knew.

 

[Imani]

For scenario 1, He doesn't strike me as a good father, but at the same time, president Obama was a weekend dad in his senator days and one could argue it was by choice, my mom used to travel alot with her firm when we were little too, so there is a pretty big shade of grey there and I'd have to hear more details.

Scenario 2 is a definite FAIL.

My father was super hands on and highly involved with me growing up, now that I'm grown and have my own opinions we're butting heads alot, but I always know he loves me and would do anything for me.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

He works for the gov't in a routine technical capacity. Not to downgrade/hate on this mans job or anything but I don't think its comparable to someone like Obama who was really trying to pursue politics to make change in the world. I think this guy just likes the freedom of being on the road, and the extra money from traveling (even tho he is straight financially and doesn't really need them few extra dollars). Also, I've heard some things that make me think he's not really that into his wife/being married.

 

[Imani]

I say yes to both.


I think it is possible for a father who only sees his kids on the weekends to be a good father - depending on the circumstances. What if he's working two jobs during the week to provide for the kids?? What good is "quality time" if the lights are off?


And, with scenario two, it's not ideal but I think it is possible to still be a good father and be stupid.Not to defend stupidity or anything, I have known fathers who weren't the best examples (alcoholics, bad husbands, in trouble with the law) contribute to the rearing of successful children. Not because they were the perfect example, but because they genuinely LOVED their children and did the best they could with what they had & knew.

I agree, sometimes you have to be away to make ends meet. Thats why I added the "by choice" part. This guy has plenty dough stacked away, he's made some really good strategic business and investment decisions over the years. Plus, he could get a position without travel if he wanted to given his seniority where he works.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Also let me say this, my mother did ALOT of traveling for her job. She traveled around teh country for training and to do seminars. And it was obviously by choice because nobody was holding a gun to her head, but my mom was a damn good mother. She would send for us or bring us back stuff all the time. I dont think that you can judge a persons parenting based off of looking from the outside in. ESpecially when you not even getting first hand knowledge. Every family has its own dynamics that makes it work. What I do in MY home may not work or look good for your home or perspective. There is a family in my church where the father is a truck driver. He's gone allllll the time and from the outside it seems like the guy in scenerio 1 but in reality he takes his kids with him quite a bit and even sends for his wife when is he is in one place for a min. The family has such a positive and good flow/vibe. Every situation is different

 

[snillohsss]

bases on your examples neither are good examples of good fathers. A good man can be a good father and only see his kids on the weekends due to his job if the job is for the betterment of his family. Meaning, more money, opportunities to help move the family forward. It sounds like he just wants the freedom of being alone during the week, and is using his job as an excuse for that.

With the 2nd one, I have zero tolerance for a man who disrespects a woman, especially his mother! Where they do that at!?

Im lucky and I thank my lucky stars for having extremely positive males in my life. My father and my husband both value family, and marriage 100%.

 

[LBoogie85]

He works for the gov't in a routine technical capacity. Not to downgrade/hate on this mans job or anything but I don't think its comparable to someone like Obama who was really trying to pursue politics to make change in the world. I think this guy just likes the freedom of being on the road, and the extra money from traveling (even tho he is straight financially and doesn't really need them few extra dollars). Also, I've heard some things that make me think he's not really that into his wife/being married.

The bolded is the first thing I thought when you said he chooses to travel during the week.

I don't really think either one of them are that great (from reading the OP). Traveling for work when it is a necessity is one thing, but choosing to do so when you have a young child at such a developmental age doesn't sit right with me. Also, fathers are supposed to set positive examples and teach their children how to treat ppl, women in particular, so I do not think that the dad in scenario 2 did a good job with that.

 

[hopeful]

@snilloh You really are a lucky girl!
And @BlackMasterPiece you are also very blessed. I am not one to be envious. Never envy anyone for their looks or money or anything, but how I wish I'd had a father like you two. It is the only thing that I kinda envy other women for having.

 

[awhyley]

I say no to both scenarios. To me a good father is a good provider, even-tempered, loving, and present. I think my husband is a good father. I wish I'd had a father like him when I was growing up.

I had to highlight the "present" portion, because even though father #1 travels alot, it sounds as if he's living a double life (yes, I think he may be cheating off of hardly any evidence at all), and not really devoting any real effort to his family. Father #2 is a straight up mess, because he's one of those who thinks that money is parenting, just the way his father 'parented' him. Sad really, esp. since it reminds me of my father. I too am jealous of the ladies here with active parents, both fathers and mothers, in their lives.

 

[Imani]

I had to highlight the "present" portion, because even though father #1 travels alot, it sounds as if he's living a double life (yes, I think he may be cheating off of hardly any evidence at all), and not really devoting any real effort to his family. Father #2 is a straight up mess, because he's one of those who thinks that money is parenting, just the way his father 'parented' him. Sad really, esp. since it reminds me of my father. I too am jealous of the ladies here with active parents, both fathers and mothers, in their lives.

Its never been explicitly stated but I know he has some questionable "very close female friends" on the job.

 

[honeyflaava]

I would have to say that neither is an example of a good father. To me, a good father is a man who not only provides for his family, but is also a leader within his household. And true leadership is done by example. A good father understands that being a provider is only one part of his role, even more importantly is him establishing and maintaining a relationship with his children, and this is only accomplished by communicating with them and spending time with them.

My father feels that he has been a good father because he has been a good provider. Everything with him always comes down to the financial bottom line: "I paid for you to go to college," "I gave you money for this," "I wrote a check for that," I purchased this for you" etc. He was very generous with his money, but extremely selfish with his time and giving of himself. He's always been emotionally detached, since I was a little girl. We do not have that close father/daughter relationship that I think a good majority of women have with their fathers. I'm not a "Daddy's girl." We've never really had good communication with one another either. He was always more concerned with watching TV or reading the newspaper, or whatever else he wanted to do. If I did want to talk to him or ask him to spend some time with me or do some activity with me, I always had to wait until his TV show went off or he finished doing whatever he felt was more important at the time.

Now that I'm grown, he's trying to have a better relationship with me, but I'm not interested. It's really too late for him to begin giving a damn...

 

[aribell]

The title is a great question. From what I've learned, a man being a good father comes from deeply believing in the value of family, fatherhood, and also having his self-respect come from being a good husband and father.

A man I consider one of my truest friends, who is also my former pastor, is just a wonderful husband and father. Hopeful, I understand exactly what you mean when you mention sort of envying other women for the wonderful father's they have, because I just think that my pastor's daughters and wife are just so, so fortunate to have a man completely devoted to them in that way. It's a real gift. The reason I think that he's great is because, essentially, they are his #1 priority and he acts like it. He both does and would do anything that it takes to take care of them.

As far as whether a man can disrespect the mom and still be a good dad, I think that works when the kids are children, but not when they get older. It may be different with sons, but daughters will often end up internalizing how the father treats the mother, and the sons see disrespect of women as their example. I see in my own family cousins who had bad fathers become so utterly devoted to their children, which is great. But they have no ability whatsoever to love a woman properly, and surely not sacrificially. Essentially, they love their kids, but deprive them of a stable family because they don't know how to be husbands. That matters in the end.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

My father is a great father and the absolute best man I know. He takes his job as provider to my mother, sisters and I very seriously and isn't just physically in my life but emotionally as well. For me, he didn't think his job as a parent ended when I turned 18 and has always made himself available to give me advice and get firm with me when I need it. He has his moments but my father is one of the most giving people I know. My father's just an all around good person in his career and his family. My father has his flaws but I've never had to want or need for anything and I know he'd do anything for his children. When I meet potentials, there's certain traits of my father that I always look for. If I ended up with a man like my dad I'd consider myself very lucky.

A side note studies indicate women tend to end up with men reminiscient of their father.

 

[awhyley]

My father feels that he has been a good father because he has been a good provider. Everything with him always comes down to the financial bottom line: "I paid for you to go to college," "I gave you money for this," "I wrote a check for that," I purchased this for you" etc. He was very generous with his money, but extremely selfish with his time and giving of himself.

At least your father was generous. Mine is super cheap, its always (and always has been), "you don't need this" and "you don't need that". He didn't even try to buy our love (I have a sister), but expected us to validate that he was a good father just because he stuck around. Always saying, "look at 'so and so' they don't even have a daddy". I was like, 'in actuality, we don't have one either'.

Now that I'm grown, he's trying to have a better relationship with me, but I'm not interested. It's really too late for him to begin giving a damn.

This is the thing my mother doesn't understand. I've told her this over and over, and she's still on my butt about how she just wants everyone to be happy. It's sickening.

A side note studies indicate women tend to end up with men reminiscient of their father.

And that has me terrified.