what is a girl to do....

[smwrigh3]

Ok I going to try and make it short not to bore u all with my life story!
my ex and I met our freshman yr of college and we dated for 11 months (364 days to be exact! a day short from a yr!) any way that was almost a yr ago and we are still in that stage where we can't let each other go. We broke up mostly because we had pressure from our parents but also we were arguing a lot so it was the best thing to do. So we describe our relationship as "its complicated". We haven't dated other people and we are still attached the the hip. We decided that its been long enough playing around and we should really start working things out.

here is my problem. We don't do anything! We haven't been out on a date since.... still thinking ... August

So I tell him I feel and he says most of the time he doesn't have any $$. Which is true ...to a certain extent. But I told him that I don't mind paying..shoot I have been paying for as long as I remember. We we went out for my birthday dinner I paid for him and my best friend!! But he says that it bothers him if I pay

How am I supposed to compete with the male ego?

 

[poookie]

does it bother you to pay? i was sort of the same way in my previous relationship... but ended up upset, because i expected for him to pick up the slack every once in a while, but he never did... if you're paying with the expectation that he'll man up, and eventually start paying, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

unless you just don't mind

 

[smwrigh3]

does it bother you to pay? i was sort of the same way in my previous relationship... but ended up upset, because i expected for him to pick up the slack every once in a while, but he never did... if you're paying with the expectation that he'll man up, and eventually start paying, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

unless you just don't mind

It doesn't bother most of the time b/c I can afford it.. but does bother me that when he does have $$$ he doesn't want to go out or he doesn't pay.

 

[Owest]

Maybe it's his passive way of telling you he does not want to be in a relationship and wants to stay friends.

 

[drasgrl]

This is what an ex and I did. Both of us were working and had money so it wasn't an issue about one always paying. We switched weekends and whoever weekend it was they would plan the date and pay for everything. Sometimes if either one if us didn't want to do anything or spend money then we'd stay at home and rent a movie or go to a free event.

 

[Syrah]

Ok I'm thinking, you're trying to treat him how you want to be treated, hoping he'll pick up on the cues. And he's not. And you're getting frustrated.

Why aren't you dating other people - and I don't mean that rhetorically. What's holding you back - what's causing you to maintain an exclusive relationship with this guy?

Maybe it's time to a relationship "half-time show" and stop, give yourself a week and really try an assess your relationship from the outside looking in. Are you getting what you want? What things aren't you getting that you do want? If you never got those things that you do want, could you live with that (because that could be what staying with him means)?

...after the time out, you'll know what to do.

 

[Ramya]

Wait a minute... yall have been in a complicated relationship for almost a year? and you're just now trying to work things out? Ok sounds like this a relationship of convenience and neither one of you really want to be with the other. If the only thing that has changed is the "title" of the relationship and not the "dynamics" of the relationship there is a problem.

 

[smwrigh3]

Maybe it's his passive way of telling you he does not want to be in a relationship and wants to stay friends.

see thats the thing... he came back to me! I just posted a thread about dating again a couple weeks back!

Wait a minute... yall have been in a complicated relationship for almost a year? and you're just now trying to work things out? Ok sounds like this a relationship of convenience and neither one of you really want to be with the other. If the only thing that has changed is the "title" of the relationship and not the "dynamics" of the relationship there is a problem.

Convenience.. is right. That y we said its time to get serious.. 2 try and get down to the nitty griddy of our relationship and see if its meant to be. I believe we love each other but like I don't him love is not enough...

 

[smwrigh3]

Ok I'm thinking, you're trying to treat him how you want to be treated, hoping he'll pick up on the cues. And he's not. And you're getting frustrated.

Why aren't you dating other people - and I don't mean that rhetorically. What's holding you back - what's causing you to maintain an exclusive relationship with this guy?

Maybe it's time to a relationship "half-time show" and stop, give yourself a week and really try an assess your relationship from the outside looking in. Are you getting what you want? What things aren't you getting that you do want? If you never got those things that you do want, could you live with that (because that could be what staying with him means)?

...after the time out, you'll know what to do.

Its interesting that you said that ... because I did that and looking from the outside in..I looks bad.. but my friend told me that we can only look from the outside every so often b/c we aren't on the outside of the relationship we are in it and only we know the real true feelings of it all... But I think I will do it.. and be painfully honest with myself.

This is what an ex and I did. Both of us were working and had money so it wasn't an issue about one always paying. We switched weekends and whoever weekend it was they would plan the date and pay for everything. Sometimes if either one if us didn't want to do anything or spend money then we'd stay at home and rent a movie or go to a free event.

See I have not problem doing that.. shoot we have done that! But everything we do something it was my idea... I want him to take the initiative!

 

[neenzmj]

I think Steve Harvey sums it up best when he points out that men are only going to do those things that women allow. You have to be honest with yourself about what your expectations are for this relationship. You have to be equally honest with him in stating those expectations. Without that, you're pretty much saying that "anything goes." Expecting a man to take you out from time to time (and PAY) is not unreasonable. You said that he approached you about renewing the relationship. This would have been the ideal time to take a stand and would have allowed you to see just how determined he was in being in this relationship. Most men who really want to be with a woman will take the necessary steps to help make the relationship work.

 

[Syrah]

Its interesting that you said that ... because I did that and looking from the outside in..I looks bad.. but my friend told me that we can only look from the outside every so often b/c we aren't on the outside of the relationship we are in it and only we know the real true feelings of it all... But I think I will do it.. and be painfully honest with myself.

See I have not problem doing that.. shoot we have done that! But everything we do something it was my idea... I want him to take the initiative!

I think you have to look at them from the outside - in other words, from the prospective where emotions and "investments" are removed. From a place where your love, attraction or other desire to be with and around that person is no longer driving you to justify actions that you simply don't agree with.

It's getting back to that "what am I willing to tolerate?" place and be honest with yourself about whether or not you're tolerating things you know you don't agree with simply out of a desire to be around someone.

And it's not easy. Folks are so quick to say "wait, what girl...you're putting up with WHAT?? leave his ***". It's so easy to say, and so difficult to act on, especially when you're shown images of what a person COULD BE.

But here's the thing: you're dating him, NOW. Not who he could be with your guidance, love and support...in the future. Look at who you are dating and your relationship NOW. And is it really what you want?

 

[Taliah]

Sounds like you put my man in the "friend" zone. I say you because I believe woman hold the power in love relationships.
You may be able to switch roles if you break up with him forreal and stop stepping up to the plate and let him take the lead.
You want something completely different than what you had. You have to end the relationship completely and when he comes back rebuild. It sounds like he wants to be the man but you're not allowing him.

 

[Farida]

You don't need to spend money to go on a date. DH and I are so broke most of the time that we would never go out if we only went on $$ dates. You can rent a movie, he can make you a home-cooked meal, go out for something small like ice cream or coffee.

In fact, a lot of the no $$ dates are good because they force you to interact with each other to have a good time. That way you really get to KNOW each other which is important when dating. Movies, clubbing, amusement parks or whatever other dates don't really force you to learn each other.

I would be upset that he isn't trying to plan things for you. Have you tried planning stuff? If both of you sit and don't plan anything...He gets more flack because as a man women expect romance. And they should...sometimes you have to help him along a bit. Otherwise, maybe he isn't interested or interested enough to make the effort.

Do you talk/hangout? othewise if you don't, how are you attached at the hip?

 

[smwrigh3]

You don't need to spend money to go on a date. DH and I are so broke most of the time that we would never go out if we only went on $$ dates. You can rent a movie, he can make you a home-cooked meal, go out for something small like ice cream or coffee.

In fact, a lot of the no $$ dates are good because they force you to interact with each other to have a good time. That way you really get to KNOW each other which is important when dating. Movies, clubbing, amusement parks or whatever other dates don't really force you to learn each other.

I would be upset that he isn't trying to plan things for you. Have you tried planning stuff? If both of you sit and don't plan anything...He gets more flack because as a man women expect romance. And they should...sometimes you have to help him along a bit. Otherwise, maybe he isn't interested or interested enough to make the effort.

Do you talk/hangout? othewise if you don't, how are you attached at the hip?

yes we are together 5 out of 7 days a week... I love spending time with him and he pouts when I have to go to class... I just feel like we never do anything.. but hang out and talk.. I wanna go dancing! lol

 

[smwrigh3]

Sounds like you put my man in the "friend" zone. I say you because I believe woman hold the power in love relationships.
You may be able to switch roles if you break up with him forreal and stop stepping up to the plate and let him take the lead.
You want something completely different than what you had. You have to end the relationship completely and when he comes back rebuild. It sounds like he wants to be the man but you're not allowing him.

its interesting that you say this because my friends say the same thing.. they say I am to hard on him. But I expect perfect the first time around... I gotta work on that.

 

[Cincysweetie]

I remember my broke college days and times can be tight. Add to it that some of the current culture of college relationships isn't geared towards real "dating" (it's more about being boo'd up, laying in the dorm, and let's keep it realz--fuggin!)

HOWEVER...does your man go out to eat? Pay cover at the bar? Buy alcohol? If so, he can afford to take you out every once in awhile. If not and he's for real for real broke...y'all gonna have to get creative and find things on campus to do. When I was in school, there were games to go to, films/movies playing on campus, seminars/lectures, plays and concerts, etc.-- all of which were FREE. And the main point is that you would be doing it together. That to me is a date, even if it's not dinner at a five-star restaurant, a walk on the beach, etc. That can come post-college when (hopefully) dude won't be so broke.