What exactly is a "casual relationship"? And am I being unrealistic? [long]

[Serenity_Peace]

O.K., so I'm back online, trying the online dating thing again. I'm a member of Black People Meet (blackpeoplemeet.com), Plenty of Fish (plentyoffish.com), Match (match.com), and eHarmony. Yeah, I know, I know. But I told ya'll that I'm serious about meeting my husband this year and I meant that!!

So with that in mind, I got tons of responses from Black People Meet from men who set their relationship preference at "casual relationship." I set my preference for "looking for serious relationship." Why beat around the bush, right? I really am looking for a serious relationship.

What's been puzzling for me is what exactly does "casual relationship" entail? Friendship? Booty calls? Someone to just hang out with? Are people involved in these kinds of relationships wanting to move forward to a more serious situation?

Again, while I'm thrilled by all the positive responses that I'm receiving, I'm also amazed at just how many men, (mostly in their late 30s and early to mid-40s), just want casual relationships.

I've ignored all of the ones who want casual relationships, only pursuing those who chose the option 'serious' relationship.

But am I being unrealistic? Is this how most men pursue relationships?

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

To me casual relationships is a nice term for a homie/lover/friend..which he can chill with,sex up and be friends with.I'm not amazed at the age bracket of men who want to have casual relationships..if he was a man who wanted a wife he would seek one..but many don't know how to be men therefore they just chase skirts and feel its ok.There nothing wrong with the online approach..you can reach a broader audience however many like to play out their little fantasy online..just my two cents

 

[Serenity_Peace]

^^^ I'm starting to see that you're right. I think Black People Meet is worse that Match.com. I can't even begin to tell you the riff raff that have approached me. There seems to be some good guys out there, too.

 

[deltadreamland]

I totally agree with Fallen Angel. I'm finding that most men are looking for casual as opposed to long term because they like to keep their options open. Also, a lot of guys that are looking for casual relationships are already involved in a long term relationship/marriage and are just trying to see what else they can hook and snare.

 

[Amcd]

If they are telling you up front that they just want a casual relationship, believe them. Don't waste YOUR precious time on them and just start out with the ones that state they want the same thing they do. Good luck. My sister just got married in October to a guy she met on line and a good friend of mine got married a couple of years ago and now has a beautiful daughter.

 

[glam-]

Yeah, blackpeoplemeet was just in my experience.

I agree with your approach, only respond to people who state they are interested in a serious relationship.

 

[username12]

That's a nice way for saying they are looking only for sex. And when they get tired of sexing one girl, they will move to the next. Avoid them at all costs.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Keep ignoring them sweety. Trust me. When it comes to men, when they say they want a casual they mean sex with no commitments. If you are looking for your hubby this year you don't need that. Keep your eye on men who want relationships b/c although you will probably be talking to more than one man at a time you don't need to waste time on anyone who just wants to screw.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Serenity, I think you're doing the right thing by ignoring them. I think even if you *were* to entertain one of those "casual relationship" guys you would quickly find that they act in accordance to what they selected on their profile (i.e., not being truly available for a relationship) and would get cut out of the running anyway. Save yourself some time and energy. I've started stating up front that I'm interested in finding the right person for marriage and starting a family, so if they're not on the same page, then adios.

 

[mrselle]

A casual relationship is just that....casual. Therefore, you should go into a casual relationship with zero expectations. With that said, could it be that the men in that age bracket are looking for something casual because they are newly divorced and don't want a commitment right now? Either way, if you're looking for something serious you're doing the right thing by ignoring these men.

 

[Sosoothing]

I was on several dating sites a while back including Blackpeoplemeet.com.
Like you, I stated I was looking for a serious relationship and not a casual one. I only responded to men that were looking for serious relationships and at the time there were plenty of men that contacted me looking for serious relationships.

Like Mrselle said, a casual relationship is simply the opposite of a serious relationship. If you want a serious relationship, simply stay away from the guys that want a casual relationship.

 

[Taliah]

I don't know if paying attention to casual vs serious is the focus in the bery beginning more than paying attention to the profile/bio and developing a report with gentlemen who may contact you.

All relationships start out as casual and progress to something more serious with time.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

One more thing...as someone else mentioned options..I really believe men esp black men like to have security by having multiple girls in the stable so they can have choices and won't catch too many feelings..that the issue with women..we get one man and we go bananas...heck even the ones who say serious relationship are for the most of the time gaming...they just know what to say to get your attention..online is cool if its used properly as a tool..men who prefer to keep dragging their online heels is not a good one..as someone else said as well if they tell you they are looking for a causal relationship believe them..if they tell you they are a no good dirty dog believe them bc they just saved you alot time..

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Some of these Match.com men have been on the site for a long time. I've been on and off for a few years, but every time I go back on them, it's some of the same men with the same pics, talking 'bout how they are "serious" NOW!! :hardslap:

 

[Crackers Phinn]

What I would do before ruling them out completely is send a response back asking what they mean by casual relationship. If it sounds crazy, then bye boo. Yeah it's an extra step, but writing an email/pm is free and you at least know what they mean in their own words.

 

[southerncitygirl]

O.K., so I'm back online, trying the online dating thing again. I'm a member of Black People Meet (blackpeoplemeet.com), Plenty of Fish (plentyoffish.com), Match (match.com), and eHarmony. Yeah, I know, I know. But I told ya'll that I'm serious about meeting my husband this year and I meant that!!

So with that in mind, I got tons of responses from Black People Meet from men who set their relationship preference at "casual relationship." I set my preference for "looking for serious relationship." Why beat around the bush, right? I really am looking for a serious relationship.

What's been puzzling for me is what exactly does "casual relationship" entail? Friendship? Booty calls? Someone to just hang out with? Are people involved in these kinds of relationships wanting to move forward to a more serious situation?

Again, while I'm thrilled by all the positive responses that I'm receiving, I'm also amazed at just how many men, (mostly in their late 30s and early to mid-40s), just want casual relationships.

I've ignored all of the ones who want casual relationships, only pursuing those who chose the option 'serious' relationship.

But am I being unrealistic? Is this how most men pursue relationships?

I've been a member of both bpm and yahoo personals. Bpm is the worst 90% of the men no matter what they say just want a booty call. The other extreme is them wanting you to relocate to them right away and drop your life to fit into theirs when the relationship is not even serious yet,lol.

To answer your question some folks put casual relationship to build friendships first to see what will develop, while others want a booty call.

I hear eharmony and match have a better selection of men to choose from, good luck no matter what. I have a friend who got lucky and met her boyfriend on bpm they have been together almost 2yrs and she says that she thinks he's the one.

Be forewarned that alot of men like women lie about their build/weight and post old pics of themselves,lol. Keep us posted on your dates and expeirences with online dating

 

[DragonPearl]

SP, you're ready for a serious relationship, these men say they want a casual relationship. It's like 2 trains passing in opposite direction in the night. Keep moving.

 

[Almaz]

Casual

I am married and looking for a fling but on the net I am single dont get your hopes up
I am just divorced and looking for a fling don't get your hopes up
I am just out of a relationship and I am looking for a hook up don't get your hopes up
I am a hound dog looking for a booty call don't get your hopes up.

Just ignore cause even responding to men like this is getting THEIR hopes up

Never lower your standards to raise somebody else's

 

[lux10023]

exactly--just ask them whats their idea of casual and see if it aligns with what your looking for simple

comunication is key...

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

What I would do before ruling them out completely is send a response back asking what they mean by casual relationship. If it sounds crazy, then bye boo. Yeah it's an extra step, but writing an email/pm is free and you at least know what they mean in their own words.

I was gonna post this as well at first. Usually IME they be on some crazy ish that makes sending the clarification email a waste of time, even if they spin it to sound "nice." But, hey, you might luck up on something. If you take this approach, make sure to listen carefully to what they have to say before you end up getting all geeked up and dating someone who's not really interested in a relationship and wasting time though.