What do you think?

Islandgrl98

Islandgrl98

Member
I am 29yrs old, married 10yrs with 2 boys, 5 and 10ys old. I really don't have any friends and recently met a girl that I can really relate to, she is really classy. I enjoy her company and sometimes I'll ask my husband if it's ok for me to go out to a bar or lounge with her and friends for some drinks. He says that he is not comfortable with that and anywhere people go out to have drinks it turns out bad.
Am I being unreasonable when I say that I feel controlled? If I did go he would be very upset with me. Am I supposed to accept that being a mom and wife means that I can't go to out to parties etc. with friends or hand out late sometimes?
 
I wouldn't like that at all. Does he care if you went out to a lunch (no alcohol) with this lady or any female associate?

I never thought that being a wife/mom meant you had to hang it all up for good. We all deserve to let our hair down from time to time (within reason).
 
No, he doesn't mind if we go to the gym or lunch or shopping. It's seems like I can't be out after 9pm...unless its dinner @ a restaurant I guess.
 
This has never come up in 10 years before?

Would you have a problem with him accompanying you out from time to time? More details are needed.
 
He never goes anywhere..doesnt have friends either. He usually sits at the computer or watches TV.
He will go out with me if I arrange child care and everything, and I did twice but we dont have anyone always available to take care of our kids. I usually dont go out but the once in maybe 6 months my aunt or cousin will ask me to go out with them and its usually always a fight. Just yesterday a coworker was having a birthday party at a bar, she invited a few of us last minute and I wanted to go, but we ended up fighting over it and I didnt.
 
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Go out to dinner with her at a restaurant with a bar. I think it's a bit controlling. But, perhaps he has some conceptions about how a wife and mother should behave that cause him to feel "hanging out" without him would be inappropriate. He's probably also very used to the "you" that doesn't have ladies nights out and the like. So, this new change is uncomfortable for him. Change can make a person feel some insecurity.

Is your friend married? Maybe you guys can double date one evening to a bar? Or, have she and her spouse over for dinner and drinks or to watch a game so that your hubby can get a feel for the type of person she is. Maybe he can become more comfortable with the idea over time? I hope it works out, OP. You should be able to enjoy yourself with the girls on occassion.
 
I think thats bogus. I could see if you where trying to go out all the time or have had an alcohol problem in the past which would cause him to have reservations....but I really dont understand what the problem is going out with your girls everyonce in a blue moon. I think a huge reason is because he is antisocial he expects you to be too. Men who dont have friends or other hobbies are a red flag. I need someone who has a life and likes to do things. Do you guys even go on dates or do outings together?
 
I feel cheated of that part of life where you can go out with friends and just have fun because I got married so young. It really bothers me now. Unfortunately my friend is not married but she has a boyfriend, she is also respective of the fact that I am married with kids but she really likes hanging out with me.
 
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That would bother me, a lot.

And I would most likely go out while we worked through his issue with me going out.
 
I thought about just getting dressed and going, but I would have to deal with him getting angry when I get back and I don't want to go through that.
 
My thing is - the fact that he is uncomfortable doesn't automatically equate to me not doing it. :look: Sometimes, DH is gonna be uncomfy. And we can either work something out, or he can be uncomfy. Very rarely do I say - I'll sacrifice for your comfort.

But that's me. :lol: And, when it comes to anger - why is he angry? Why doesn't he want you to go out? What's the real issue? Does he think that the only reason you go out is to meet the opposite sex? Does he think that you can't hold your liquor?
 
Cocoon said:
I feel cheated of that part of life where you can go out with friends and just have fun because I got married so young. It really bothers me now. Unfortunately my friend is not married but she has a boyfriend, she is also respective of the fact that I am married with kids but she really likes hanging out with me.
Click to expand...

He probably senses this and this is why he's nervous about you going out to a club.

If you go out to a club or bar there's a higher liklihood you'll be approached by men and if he's sensing that you feel like you missed out on something he's probably worried about how you'll react to men hitting on you. And honestly OP, I'm wondering if what's going on here is bigger then just hanging out with the girls at a lounge or bar. If you feel cheated about this do you feel cheated about other things?

Even though all of my women's empowerment instincts are saying you should be able to go to bars and lounges with your friends if you want to, if I married my guy at 19 and all of a sudden at 29 he wanted to hang with the guys at bars and lounges I'd be very suspicious.

Why not ease him into it. Invite your friend over so he can get to know her, do the restaurant with bar thing as another poster suggested. Or just talk to him about why this is fun for you to ease his concerns.
 
I like Smuckieslick's idea. Invite her and her bf over or doubledate. The four of you can go to a club. Plan ahead and ask your aunt or cousin to babysit. Work on finding a good stable babysitter that you can count on. You and dh need to go out more. You deserve time to hang with your friend sometime too. Be persistent about this and be determined to find some type of middle ground. I know the two of you can come to some type of compromise. I know it's hard but sometimes you just gotta deal with an angry dh. This is an issue you two can conquer, be encouraged.
 
Okay, I know my thoughts will be unpopular, but here goes....

I side with your husband. When at a club/bar as a member of a group of attractive
women, you will MOST LIKELY be hit on by a man/men. It is a sad fact, married men
who go to a bar with men friends are seen as having a guys night , married women
are on the prowl or quasi-available even if married in the eyes of men.

If in your husbands shoes, I would not like the thought of my attractive wife going
to a club with single friends knowing she'll be hit on while under the influence of
drink, music, and single world vibe.

Go to a club or bar with your husband.
 
Smuckie_Slick said:
Go out to dinner with her at a restaurant with a bar. I think it's a bit controlling. But, perhaps he has some conceptions about how a wife and mother should behave that cause him to feel "hanging out" without him would be inappropriate. He's probably also very used to the "you" that doesn't have ladies nights out and the like. So, this new change is uncomfortable for him. Change can make a person feel some insecurity.

Is your friend married? Maybe you guys can double date one evening to a bar? Or, have she and her spouse over for dinner and drinks or to watch a game so that your hubby can get a feel for the type of person she is. Maybe he can become more comfortable with the idea over time? I hope it works out, OP. You should be able to enjoy yourself with the girls on occassion.
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very good alternative suggestions.

ITA with everything you said. particularly the part about considering the friend's marital status :yep:


Frostipuff said:
Okay, I know my thoughts will be unpopular, but here goes....

I side with your husband. When at a club/bar as a member of a group of attractive
women, you will MOST LIKELY be hit on by a man/men. It is a sad fact, married men
who go to a bar with men friends are seen as having a guys night , married women
are on the prowl or quasi-available even if married in the eyes of men.

If in your husbands shoes, I would not like the thought of my attractive wife going
to a club with single friends knowing she'll be hit on while under the influence of
drink, music, and single world vibe.

Go to a club or bar with your husband.
Click to expand...

I actually agree with you too....i see where her DH might be coming from on this matter. gotta look at it pragmatically from both sides. particularly if she wants to stay married :look:
 
in all things consider the source.

no disrespect OP, but don't take flying lessons from chickens.

i'm unmarried & childless so anything I have to say about your situation with your DH & friend is irrelevant.

you have 10 years of marriage and have children; i'm assuming you want to stay married and keep your family life normal & peaceful so it would be in your best interest to listen to the advice of the women that have been in your situation before--and these women can be very easily identified in this thread.
 
The thing is he never tries to compromise, he just gets angry and will stay like that forever if he has to. I dont intend to go out alot at all. I am up for all the suggestions, and I know that I don't always see the big picture, that is why I asking for advice. The last time we spoke about it I agreed to not go to the club unless we go together and I was fine with that, but I thought that there were certain circumstances whereby he'll let go of the reign a little, like the birthday party for my coworker.
I dont have a history of drinking and getting out of control or anything like that.
By the way, I cant rely on aunt or cousin for babysitting.
 
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I somewhat agree with Barbie. I think it is easier to say "just do it anyway" if you have never been in the situation before.

It does seem a bit controlling on his part, BUT if you have been in mom at home mode 100% of the time over the last 10 years, you wanting to go out to a club with a single woman is probably threatening to your husband...and as said before particularly since you were married so young. He probably has visions of drunken men hitting on you, smooth talking you and you not knowing how to handle it properly since you have been out of the game for so long.

I agree with the comments about double dating or going out to a club with your husband. You may need to forget about the going out to club stuff with single friends for now, but you could try really communicating to your husband that you are feeling a bit burnt out and want/need to start doing more social things together.

Good luck!
 
Cocoon said:
The thing is he never tries to compromise, he just gets angry and will stay like that forever if he has to. I dont intend to go out alot at all. I am up for all the suggestions, and I know that I don't always see the big picture, that is why I asking for advice. The last time we spoke about it I agreed to not go to the club unless we go together and I was fine with that, but I thought that there were certain circumstances whereby he'll let go of the reign a little, like the birthday party for my coworker.
I dont have a history of drinking and getting out of control or anything like that.
By the way, I cant rely on aunt or cousin for babysitting.
Click to expand...
And that's not fair to you. :nono: All bars/lounges are not created equally and some are perfectly decent places to meet up with friends. While I do think married people can't expect to live/behave like single people (and yes, I know this is not your intention), I think it's unfair for someone to expect to keep their spouse on lock. DH and I have non-mutual friends and have spent time with those friends during the course of our marriage without neglecting our marriage. Your husband, again IMO, needs to be more flexible (especially since you've said that you don't plan on going out frequently) so both of you can come to an understanding.
 
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As a married woman (a lot older than you) I would not want to go off to bars after 9 with my unmarried girlfriends. I think of bars as social places to meet people. You're young & attractive? Good chance you're going to engage socially with people that are looking to hook up.

Now the birthday party scenario is different than just you and your girlfriend. That's your DH being a bit too controlling.

I think it might help to acknowledge your husbands concerns, find ways to demonstrate trust. Heck, you can get hit on at the grocery store or getting gas for your car.

I would also gradually stop asking your husband for his permission for things. Never should have started that. :nono: You're both adults, I tell my husband what I'm planning to do, I don't ask for his blessings. He trusts me.
 
Frostipuff said:
Okay, I know my thoughts will be unpopular, but here goes....

I side with your husband. When at a club/bar as a member of a group of attractive
women, you will MOST LIKELY be hit on by a man/men. It is a sad fact, married men
who go to a bar with men friends are seen as having a guys night , married women
are on the prowl or quasi-available even if married in the eyes of men.

If in your husbands shoes, I would not like the thought of my attractive wife going
to a club with single friends knowing she'll be hit on while under the influence of
drink, music, and single world vibe.

Go to a club or bar with your husband.
Click to expand...

While I understand where you are coming from, I believe that this is a part of being in a mature and secure marriage. I am a 40+ woman and recently went out for a friend's birthday party and had a ball amongst us "girls". And when it was over I was ready to come home and be with my DH and he was up waiting and asking me if I had a good time!!! And while I hardly ever go out, I do not see a problem with getting out of the house every once in a while with your girlfriends for a night out. And at the same time, I do not mind my DH hanging out with his friends although he doesn't go to clubs.

I have a friend that I have known for 35 years that has been going through this with her husband for the 14 YEARS they have been married and I can see that it is increasingly a control issue for him. You agree to these terms and he locks something else down. However, it it starting to become more of a problem now that the kids are older because she is increasingly wanting more "freedom". She caught He** last year for going out with me for my girl's night out Birthday Dinner. And now he doesn't want her to have ANY contact with the daughter's middle school principal because he is afraid they are having an affair. And trust me, there is NOTHING going on. He is 50, she is 41 and the kids are 12 and 13 and he just told her that he now wants another child now. :rolleyes:...Control.

OP, I cannot make any suggestions because I am not in your Marriage and when I was in that situation with my EX, I did not have any kids to take into consideration. However, I do hope that you have a good (and honest) friend or family member that is familiar with your situation that you can confide in and that can talk you through your situation in whatever you decide to do.
 
Dak said:
As a married woman (a lot older than you) I would not want to go off to bars after 9 with my unmarried girlfriends. I think of bars as social places to meet people. You're young & attractive? Good chance you're going to engage socially with people that are looking to hook up.

Now the birthday party scenario is different than just you and your girlfriend. That's your DH being a bit too controlling.

I think it might help to acknowledge your husbands concerns, find ways to demonstrate trust. Heck, you can get hit on at the grocery store or getting gas for your car.

I would also gradually stop asking your husband for his permission for things. Never should have started that. :nono: You're both adults, I tell my husband what I'm planning to do, I don't ask for his blessings. He trusts me.
Click to expand...

This, here - this screams of a control issue, to me.

I've only been married for 6 years, and we got married older than you, and we don't have kids. And yes, I do go to bars with my single girlfriends, have a load of fun, and am excellent at saying - Just to let you know, I'm married and not interested. :lachen: Do I get hit on? Sure do. And? :lachen:

As a poster said - you can get hit on in the grocery store just as easy as a club.
If you don't have a record of getting lifted and stupid, I don't see 'beer fear' as a valid concern for your husband.
If he thinks you are trying to step out - well, that's a whole nother issue, a whole nother thread. :nono:

And the fact that he just gets angry and doesn't talk about it? Yeah, that's a huge issue for me, and my response would be to treat him like the brat he's acting like, and ignore him until he was ready to have a reasoned and mature conversation.

:ohwell: And I'd stop asking him for permission. I'd arrange babysitting, I'd arrange a meet-up with my girls, and I would let him know where I was going and when I would be getting home - as I'm walking out the door to drop the kids off. :ohwell: But that's just me. And I react badly to overcontrolling. :perplexed
 
Cocoon said:
I feel cheated of that part of life where you can go out with friends and just have fun because I got married so young. It really bothers me now.
Click to expand...

Your husband is probably picking that up and is feeling threatened. Unfortunately, his overcontrolling is creating even more of a rift between you. You mention your new friend is classy, could that be intimidating to your husband too?

Truth is, you married young. You did miss out on that part of life. It was your choice. You really can't go back. It probably sounds harsh, but the reality is you must learn to accept it. A lot of people have never experienced the bar/nightclub scene and are happy.

Think what you have instead, 2 beautiful children. You had the energy to play with them (vs women that wait till they're 40). There are always trade off in the decisions we make in our lives.
 
Cocoon said:
He never goes anywhere..doesnt have friends either. He usually sits at the computer or watches TV.

He says that he is not comfortable with that and anywhere people go out to have drinks it turns out bad
Click to expand...

I'm looking at this and thinking about how you married young. What scenario does DH have in his head about what goes on in clubs? What is the "turning out bad" idea based on? Is he believing trash talk he's heard from guys at work? Is there a specific incident he's heard about, maybe in his family or something?

IMO a controlling man is a fearful man. It can take a very long time - years, sometimes - for a man to come out with what's really bothering him. If he doesn't trust you or secretly thinks you can do better than him or whatever it is, it's probably worth smoking it out, maybe sometime when you going out is not an immediate issue since that gets him upset.

If I were you, I would try to do some digging now, and when the birthday dinner or restaurant scenario comes up say, "Honey, I'm going and XYZ is not going to happen." Then do something especially nice for him the next day.

It might be wise to hold off on clubbing, at least for now, but unless you are prepared to never go anywhere, IMO you're going to have to override his wishes to a certain extent.
 
Cocoon, the more I read this thread, the more I think your husband is holding you back. He doesn't have any friends, he doesn't support you having friends. That is not healthy.

In a healthy marriage, you support each other, not control each others behavior by staying angry. He obviously knows that gets to you and uses it to control you. It's not too late for you to take control of your life again.
 
I need to reiterate that he claims that because the party is at a bar its not ok. I didnt see anything wrong especially because its on the private party area and its a really nice place.
 
Cocoon said:
I need to reiterate that he claims that because the party is at a bar its not ok. I didnt see anything wrong especially because its on the private party area and its a really nice place.
Click to expand...

Cocoon, you're right, there isn't anything wrong with you as a married woman going to a party there.

At 29 you're a grown woman. While your first obligation is to your family, your children, once that's in check, you should be able to manage your own social life.
 
I think there's been some good advice given. Quick question though, is your husband around the same age as you or is he a lot older? I only ask because I know sometimes older men tend to do what you're describing if their wife is younger and they feel extra threatened about her possibly socializing and meeting someone else.
 
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