What Am I Doing? (Aren't these always long)

[Kimbosheart]

He is a great guy. He's patient, he's sweet, he's really into me. I've known him forever and we were both surprised that we connected so well. We have been talking romantically for about three months. Right now he lives a few hours away, but I will be moving closer to him in the next month because of a job.

He calls all the time, he texts me good morning and good night, calls throughout the day. We've met each others families. I feel like I am a part of his life, we make plans for the future and he's driven up to come see me.

The problem, is that he just got out of a long-term relationship before we started talking. He has been with this girl for 7 years and this is their 3rd or fourth break-up, the longest they've been apart is for a year.

Even though I feel like his feelings for me are genuine I don't want to be a rebound girl. We've talked about this and he says he feels like we can have a serious future together but he just needs time to get over her and put that behind him. He doesn't want to hold me back and he doesn't want to lose me either. I agree with him, I hope he wouldn't be able to get over her quickly. So I told him, if he decided that what they had is done and over then me and him could continue to talk and just take things slow.

But I don't think he's made that decision. Every time she calls and says she wants him back, even though she broke up with him, it confuses him. So yesterday I called him and I told him that I think he should just leave me alone until he figures things out. He was really upset about that, he was planning to come and visit me this weekend. He kept saying I'm sorry I didn't decide fast enough for you. I tried to explain that it wasn't the speed but just the lack of any decision. THey have been breaking up/broken up for over 4 months now. And if she's still calling him and he's still willing to entertain it, then they still have something to discuss. I told him to take his time and that I shouldn't be in the picture because I may be pressuring him to make a decision he isn't ready to make.

Am I being a scaredy cat? I've been in his position before and I know I needed time to get over my ex but I had also made up my mind to be done with a guy I had 10 years of history with. I just don't want to get hurt, but who does. I let him go,if its meant to be then maybe it will be.

What am I doing?
Did I do the right thing?
Would y'all have stayed around a continued to be patient with him?
What am I waiting for him to do, to say to me?

 

[Bunny77]

If he wasn't still taking calls from this woman, I'd say go forward with this guy.

The fact that he is still taking her calls is very disrespectful to YOU.

I'd date other people in addition to him and not be so tied up in this one guy.

 

[Angelicus]

Look, when I got a new boyfriend, I made it very clear to my ex-boyfriend to end all communication with me. If he was a smart, assertive man that didn't want drama, he would have done the same and changed his number and email address.

It's time for you to go.

 

[MissYocairis]

Don't worry about losing him. But, DO hold fast to your standards. If you don't want to be a rebound girl and it would make you feel more comfortable to know that he's emotionally free and clear....then give him some space and time to do that....even though HE doesn't want it. Men always wanna overdose on love.

If you and he are meant to be, it will be. I agree with Bunny...date other people until he can sort out his feelings for this other chick. Always keep in the back of your mind that there may be more (or different circumstances) to the story also. But, I'm sure he's crazy for you and he will likely come for you in the right way once he can clear his head.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I do think he's into me. I haven't thought about dating other people, but thats mostly because I'm about to move anyway so I'm trying to wait until I get to my new location.

Angelicus, I don't think he's ready to A. Be my boyfriend and B. tell her he's gone. That's why I told him to think things through. Right now, I need B., I have learned the zen of patience on A.

I guess, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. We have been through this song and dance before but I guess there's more on the line for me now because I have no problem admitting I have feelings for him. I could try to continue to talk to him but keep my mind open to dating others when I move.

 

[misstobz]

Is 4 months being signle enough time for someone coming out of a 7 year relationship, especially considering the fact that he still talks to her? I just dont think it is healthy to end one relationship only to go straight into another. One needs time alone, to deal with the loss, rediscover themselves and think about what went wrong/lessons learned. From experience I would let him be and keep it moving. He might eventually contact you, but for now he needs to deal with his past, and figure out what he wants. So yes I think you made very good desicion ;-) There are men out there ready to start a relationship-have completely left the past behind them and are looking for a partner to share a future with! That is the man you should be dealing with.

 

[Makenzie]

Since you are catching feelings for him I think you should fall back. He is having his cake and eating it to. He may not be doing it intentionally, but that's what it is. By you continuing contact with him puts you in a very vulnerable position of getting hurt. IMO.

 

[Miss_Luna]

My ex and I were together on and off for 7 years and just recently called it quits, sort of. We still speak, often. And I'm not sure if he has anyone else, but even if he did, I don't think he would tell me. I think that's why he still speaks to me regularly, so I don't assume.

Sometimes people need time apart to figure out what they really want in life. Maybe that's what he's going through right now. It's unfortunate that he brought you into a situation, knowing that his past was still present.

I was with my ex for seven years and I'm only in my mid-twenties. We're both taking some time off for now until I get my head together. But if it's meant to be, then it will be.
You shouldn't get too deep into it though. If he wanted to let her go, then he would.

I'm sure once you move you'll find yourself among guys who will have a lot less baggage.

 

[Kimbosheart]

MissCooth thanks for your perspective. I was lucky that I grew out of my long-term ex (on and off for 10 years) that made it easier for me to transition. I am in my mid-twenties and he is knocking on 30. I think she grew out of him, she has a child (he's 11) and from what I understand she felt she could do better for her family.

I understand these things because his best friend is my cousin (we are really close). Plus he has always been honest and upfront about what is going on between them. She calls 5-6 times in a night and wants to "talk" and when he finally answers she can't meet with him because she is busy. And if she really wants his attention she will try to bring her son into it.

At the same time, he's made some big steps for me to. He wanted to come and visit me and I told him he needed to finish moving everything out of her house before he could. He did that right away before making a 6 hour drive to my house.

Maybe there is a middle ground. My previous attempts at letting him go were derailed by him. I do feel that he really needs to give himself the space to work through this, I think his intentions are good but like an earlier post said he is getting his cake and eating it to. Plus I don't like threesomes and her behavior plus his passiveness is turning this into one.

 

[Miss_Luna]

Yea, his situation might be too much for a mid-twenty year-old.

The kid might also make him feel some type of way. Also, some women are very possessive towards men they let in their child's life.

Go with your gut and if it's telling you to let go for now, then trust it. He needs some time to get rid of the emotional reins this woman has over him.

Best of luck.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Proceed with caution. This sounds like me and one of my exes (my first heartbreak)

He and his ex were together for 3 years, and we started dating 3-4 months after they broke up. For the first couple of months, things were GREAT! I met his family, he was super into me, he wanted to spend lots of time with me...couldn't ask for more. Then things changed. He and his ex were still talking--and he told me everything they talked about. Never hid it from me. Soon he slowly became distant. He told me that he's realized it's going to take more time for him to get over her. She started hinting at wanting to get back together, so he just wasn't sure. He eventually dumped me. That experience and my experience with my boyfriend after him (who was my rebound) made me realize something.

We don't go into the next relationship thinking that person is a rebound. We just fall really hard for them. As time goes by and we grow closer, we realize that we are finally over the ex and crave our freedom. Now that's not to say your relationship will suffer the same fate--I see plenty of 'rebound' type relationships grow and prosper, but proceed with caution. He's being honest in that he doesn't quite know what he wants right now. HE NEEDS TO BE OVER HER 100%. If they are still talking about the relationship, that's crossing the line and will cause lots of confusion.

I wish you the best in all this.

 

[Bunny77]

Broadstreet, I think this is a GREAT breakdown of the thought process in rebound relationships.

I've heard many men say the same thing. (Women too). They are aware of rebound relationships and they aren't TRYING to rebound, but once they fall for someone so quickly after a breakup, they're caught.

Only after 3-6 months do they then realize they've moved too fast... and it was a rebound... even if they really and truly care about the new person!

 

[antisocial]

Personally, I wouldn't hang around waiting for someone to decide whether they want me or their ex. The fact that he's even contemplating it would just bother me. I know it takes time for people to "get over" an ex or past relationship but I look at it like that's something you should have been "over" before you decided to date someone else. I think you did the right thing OP . As far as I'm concerned he shouldn't even be taking calls from that ex.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Thanks for all the different points of view. I talked to him about all these things again this morning. I think I am going to keep it moving. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing with him. I can still talk to him since we spent most of our time on the phone but y'all are right I need to look out for myself first. With him I will proceed with extreme caution--meaning he won't have near as much of my time or attention and he definitely won't be my sole focus. We have been friends for a long time, always a little flirtatious, but definitely friends. I'd rather not ruin it over him inadvertently hurting my heart.

 

[Kimbosheart]

This still sucks. I really liked him. We went from talking all day everyday to a few sparse texts. Maybe I wasn't ready to let him go even if it needed to be done

 

[Angelicus]

Go cold turkey. Get a new hobby to replace him. I do my hair. Try it.

 

[hopeful]

This still sucks. I really liked him. We went from talking all day everyday to a few sparse texts. Maybe I wasn't ready to let him go even if it needed to be done

You did the right thing. Hang in there. Now he knows you won't be apart of this foolishness.

 

[Country gal]

Proceed with caution. This sounds like me and one of my exes (my first heartbreak)

He and his ex were together for 3 years, and we started dating 3-4 months after they broke up. For the first couple of months, things were GREAT! I met his family, he was super into me, he wanted to spend lots of time with me...couldn't ask for more. Then things changed. He and his ex were still talking--and he told me everything they talked about. Never hid it from me. Soon he slowly became distant. He told me that he's realized it's going to take more time for him to get over her. She started hinting at wanting to get back together, so he just wasn't sure. He eventually dumped me. That experience and my experience with my boyfriend after him (who was my rebound) made me realize something.

We don't go into the next relationship thinking that person is a rebound. We just fall really hard for them. As time goes by and we grow closer, we realize that we are finally over the ex and crave our freedom. Now that's not to say your relationship will suffer the same fate--I see plenty of 'rebound' type relationships grow and prosper, but proceed with caution. He's being honest in that he doesn't quite know what he wants right now. HE NEEDS TO BE OVER HER 100%. If they are still talking about the relationship, that's crossing the line and will cause lots of confusion.

I wish you the best in all this.

very good analyst of rebounds. It seems folks want the companionship and jump into another relationship so soon. After a while you start to realize you never had a break to be free.

 

[Country gal]

A guy I was dealing with still kept a picture of him and his ex in his drawer. He switched phones last year and gave her the new number. This was an ex that had him in a Maury povich situation where she was pregnant with another man's child. I found out that she still is calling him and he entertains. He is such a sucker. It seems when a man gives his heart to a woman it is hard for him to get over it, even if she did him wrong. I would cut back my time and energy from him until he decides what he really wants.