Were/Are your parents divorced?

[Carrie A]

Are you a child of divorce?

What was your experience like? For example.......

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
Were you put in the middle?
Did you think it was your fault?
Were you relieved?
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?

 

[ShaniKeys]

Are you a child of divorce? I`m a child of separation (no official divorce)

What was your experience like? I felt happiness and sadness at the same time, I wanted both my parents to be happy the best way they knew how, if that meant being separated, so be it. My siblings and I stayed with my mother but my father was still very much present in our lives (until he passed away). My father and my mom remained good friends and parents even after they separated.

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? N/A
Were you put in the middle? No not at all
Did you think it was your fault? No I didn`t

Were you relieved? Sorta. It was better than seeing them either avoid each other like they didn`t know of each other`s existence or argue.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? I don`t think it had an impact on my views on marriage. I can`t remember ever being extremely pro marriage. I like weddings (cake, doves, music, family,...) but I don`t believe that marriage makes love stronger or weaker, to me it`s just a formality.

 

[HappyHairDreams]

My parents separated when I was 12 and their divorce became final a few years later.

There was no custody situation. My mother was one of those women who automatically assumed that because she had a womb, I BELONGED to her, so she secretly moved me out of the country without telling my father so that he couldn't do anything about it. (I only recently found out that my father was filing to be the my custodial parent and have my mom take visitation rights).

I was mos def used as a pawn. My mother very much tried to (and still tries to) poison my mind against my father (it didn't work, I was always a daddy's girl).

I never thought it was my fault. I don't think i really cared at the time if they were together, I was just more concerned with how their separation was going to affect me.

As a result of watching their divorce, and all the other divorces I've seen, I'm def a lot more cautious about marriage and being more thorough in who I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I do not believe in divorce. I do think marriage it supposed to last forever and that people don't take marriage as seriously as they should. It's not something to be entered into lightly.


And here's the kicker, 10 years later, my parents are now the best of friends again and talking about getting back together. (It makes me sick). I'm a trained mediator so I have them with some of their communication issues on occasion.

 

[bigdeelight]

Are you a child of divorce?

What was your experience like? For example.......

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
Were you put in the middle?
Did you think it was your fault?
Were you relieved?
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?

1. Yes, my parents divorced when I was 7. My father remarried seven days after the divorce degree was granted. My mother remarried when I was 16.

2. No moving back and forth. My mom had primary custody. I would visit and stay with my dad as I felt like it.

3. Nope. They had been separated since I was 2 years old.

4. Absolutely. The way that they argued, bickered, and all around couldn't get along showed that they were horrible marriage partners. But they are pretty much best friends today.

5. I do hope to get married but I want a lasting marriage. I want to (ideally) do it once and not multiple times in my life. It taught me to find someone who is equally yolked in all aspects of life as well as that in this day and age, perhaps youthful marriage isn't the best route to take.

 

[NYAmicas]

Are you a child of divorce? Yes.


How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? Well my mom had custody and my brother and I visited my dad on Holidays. My brother would cry when we had to leave, I didnt.

Did you think it was your fault? Of course not.
Were you relieved? I remember them discussing it with us (I was 7, bro was 6). We were just like, ok. I was happy they weren't arguing all the time.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?

It's made me a bit cynical but reading and observing has aided with that too.

 

[TayMac]

Are you a child of divorce? Yes

What was your experience like? They divorced 2 months after I was born.

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
Were you put in the middle? Nope
Did you think it was your fault? No, I wasn't there long enough.
Were you relieved? I guess since he was abusive.
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? I didn't have much faith in it.

 

[tiara76]

Are you a child of divorce? My parents never married, Pops asked mom's declined, wouldn't of been a good look for either of them at the time

What was your experience like? For example....... It was cool....They were very cordial and friendly with each other I don't ever recall there being a whole bunch of negativity....My aunts didn't and some still don't care for him though

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
Were you put in the middle?...No, when my mom remarried she took me overseas, pops pretty much had no say....I was sad to leave him for so long, but the bond never died, so the time away from him didn't distance our bond and I liked being with my mom in my younger ages....went to move with him when I was 16, it all worked out for the best...my time with mom shaped me, my time with him did as well
Did you think it was your fault? Not at all
Were you relieved? I think they were better apart than together
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
My views on love in general is that no label or non label makes a relationship any more better, loving or real than the experience shared between the people....if its working its working and for as long as its full of love, growth and sharing benefiting both people its a great beautiful wonderful thing, esp if children are involved ,

if its not its not (or not anymore) regardless of any externals applied on top of the relationship its holding people back, and if its not and being forced and children are involved they subconsciously pick up on the energy and start to have their own false ideas of love when they are exposed to non loving environment where people are putting on an act opposed to really being in love with each other rather than being truthful and honest about their relationship, themselves and love

My views on love are great, its a wonderful thing to feel, be in and express esp with another

 

[ShaniKeys]

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
My views on love in general is that no label or non label makes a relationship any more better, loving or real than the experience shared between the people....if its working its working and for as long as its full of love, growth and sharing benefiting both people its a great beautiful wonderful thing, esp if children are involved ,

if its not its not (or not anymore) regardless of any externals applied on top of the relationship its holding people back, and if its not and being forced and children are involved they subconsciously pick up on the energy and start to have their own false ideas of love when they are exposed to non loving environment where people are putting on an act opposed to really being in love with each other rather than being truthful and honest about their relationship, themselves and love

My views on love are great, its a wonderful thing to feel, be in and express esp with another

I wanted to cite you (something you had said in one of Sleek`s threads) on this last question but I`m glad you came in and responded. I fully agree with you

 

[Carrie A]

I always hear the "experts" talking about the child internalizing the situation and feeling at fault somehow. I have never been convinced of that idea. It seems no one so far has had that experience.

 

[Carrie A]

There was no custody situation. My mother was one of those women who automatically assumed that because she had a womb, I BELONGED to her, so she secretly moved me out of the country without telling my father so that he couldn't do anything about it. (I only recently found out that my father was filing to be the my custodial parent and have my mom take visitation rights).

I was mos def used as a pawn. My mother very much tried to (and still tries to) poison my mind against my father (it didn't work, I was always a daddy's girl).

This is the flipside situation of the other thread about demanding that the ex husband take full custody if he was the "offending" partner.

For ladies who were separated from Dad through moving or drama. How were you able to build your relationship with dad? Do you think the relationship with your fathers suffered?

1. Yes, my parents divorced when I was 7. My father remarried seven days

....if its working its working and for as long as its full of love, growth and sharing benefiting both people its a great beautiful wonderful thing, esp if children are involved ,

if its not its not (or not anymore) regardless of any externals applied on top of the relationship its holding people back, and if its not and being forced and children are involved they subconsciously pick up on the energy and start to have their own false ideas of love when they are exposed to non loving environment where people are putting on an act opposed to really being in love with each other rather than being truthful and honest about their relationship, themselves and love

My views on love are great, its a wonderful thing to feel, be in and express esp with another[/B]

Nice post.

 

[SparkleDoll]

Are you a child of divorce? Yes


How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? I preferred my mom, so I was with her most of the time. I would make excuses so I wouldn't have to go with my dad. He was nice to me, but I was still mad at him for being mean to my mother.

Were you put in the middle? Never

Did you think it was your fault? No way

Were you relieved? Yes, I am a Momma's girl and my dad was not very nice to my mother towards the end of their marriage. I was so happy when we moved into a new house, just mommy and me.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? I think marriage is beautiful, you just have to make sure you find the right man.

 

[DarkHair]

Are you a child of divorce?
No a child of separation. They decided to divorce after I got married.

What was your experience like? For example.......

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
There was none. I didn't want to live with my daddy PERIOD

Were you put in the middle?
Yes. I was the bartering tool for things like money, yard manicure, etc.

Did you think it was your fault?
No. I've seen my dad flirt with other women. Heck, my mom had their husbands calling her with evidence.

Were you relieved?
I was relieved when he left. I went through and suffered, but I learned from it. I was even happier that I didn't have to ask two parents anything. My mom always knew where I was. I didn't have to lie to her like those with two-parent households did.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
My parents are from the old school. Both were born in 1945. I'm sure that they wouldn't approve of every detail of my marriage. My DH is from divorced parents. In pre-marital counseling, we learned that we have to make our own path and to not always be mindful of our parents' situation. We are not our parents and we don't have to end up like them either.

 

[MissGee]

Are you a child of divorce? yes

What was your experience like? It's hard to explain. My parents never really seemed like a married couple to me. My mom said that my dad checked out of the marriage right after my little sister was born ( i was 4). I knew that they weren't a happily married couple since i was a child. They never spent time together, they never really talked (well my mom did but my dad never really responded)and eventually they slept in separate beds. Their divorce was no shock to me, or anyone frankly. It was still very painful because i still wanted my parents to be together.

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? it worked fine. I lived with my mom when they got divorced and saw my dad all the time and when i was 18 my sister and i moved in with my dad for finacial reason and i see/ talk to my mom all the time.

Were you put in the middle? I felt like i was. I think its almost impossible for a kid not to feel like they have to choose a side

Did you think it was your fault? No, i knew it wasn't
Were you relieved? No but i do think they were imcompatible
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? I still belive marriage is a great thing and that it is possible for me to have a great marriage.My parents were very incompatible. More than anything it made me realize i have to find someone who i'm compatible with.

 

[hairsothick]

No one in my immediate family (which to me consists of my mom's sister and brother, my father and stepmother, and my grandparents) have ever been divorced. My grandmother separated from my grandfather, but refused to divorce him because she didn't believe in it.

Some of my grandmother's and grandfather's sisters have been divorced though. One of my aunts, who's dead now, had about 5 or 6 different husbands.

 

[HappyHairDreams]

This is the flipside situation of the other thread about demanding that the ex husband take full custody if he was the "offending" partner.

For ladies who were separated from Dad through moving or drama. How were you able to build your relationship with dad? Do you think the relationship with your fathers suffered?



Nice post.

Well neither of my parents were an "offending party" as referenced in the other threading; there was no adultery...to this day, they both say they go divorced because they were being stubborn and pig headed - their words, not mine.

Since I was 12/13 when it happened, I already had a great relationship with my Dad, it was just a matter of maintaining that relationship from another country and only having seen him 4 times in 10 years. Lots of emails and phone calls for the most part though I feel in some ways that my dad doesn't quite realize that I'm grown since he didn't get to see me grow up; he's kinda stuck in a time warp.

 

[Carrie A]

Well neither of my parents were an "offending party" as referenced in the other threading; there was no adultery...to this day, they both say they go divorced because they were being stubborn and pig headed - their words, not mine.

OPPPS I shouldn't have even added that "offendng party" to the end of my sentence. Thanks for correcting me.

I just interpreted your moms action as wanting to have complete control over your custody without say from Dad. This I saw as opposite to the other thread about a mom not wanting to have a part in custody at all.

I'm glad that you were able to maintain your relationship with Dad. I think all Dads are a bit stuck in a time warp- even if they see you everyday.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Are you a child of divorce? My parents have been seperated for 17 years, and are just now getting a divorce

What was your experience like? I didn't care about them not living together

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? There was no back and forth. Mom left and took us with her. He saw us when he saw us.
Were you put in the middle? Never
Did you think it was your fault? Nope
Were you relieved? Yes because he was abusive and I was starting to hate him
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? they didn't, I look to my grandparents for inspiration.

***********************************

 

[HappyHairDreams]

OPPPS I shouldn't have even added that "offendng party" to the end of my sentence. Thanks for correcting me.

I just interpreted your moms action as wanting to have complete control over your custody without say from Dad. This I saw as opposite to the other thread about a mom not wanting to have a part in custody at all.

I'm glad that you were able to maintain your relationship with Dad. I think all Dads are a bit stuck in a time warp- even if they see you everyday.

Yeah the other thread was...interesting. Call me weird, but I believe in joint custody because I think children need both their parents around if possible.

 

[carib_n_curly]

Are you a child of divorce? they were never married but they were together for 11 years

What was your experience like? For example....... i didn't mind they didn't get along it was for the better it never bothered me

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
it was pretty smooth nothing dramatic
Were you put in the middle?nope
Did you think it was your fault? no they started to not get along and their relationship broke down it happens all the time
Were you relieved? yeah it was for the better
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?you get from marriage what you put it. i'm more and more seeing marriage as a man made contract with legal benefits as long as children are in stable loving homes i don't really care if they are married. to many children are been born into homes where the parents are unstable or are in a unstable situation

it gets one my nerves that some people feel like cause they are married, or intend to get marriage or were

 

[gloomgeisha]

Are you a child of divorce?

Yep. So is my little sister, my mother's a two time divorcee.

What was your experience like? For example.......

I was very young when my parents divorced so I didn't really experience anything negative. I do know I enjoyed the time my mother and I spent together. By the time she was in the middle of her second one last year, my sister was 15 and was just ready for the arguing to be over. I'd talk to her and coach her through it.

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?

I went to see my father during the summer since we lived out of state. So there wasn't much back and forth.

Were you put in the middle?

Not so much as my parents speaking ill of each other, no.

Did you think it was your fault?

No. Though my stepfather tried to blame me for he and my mother divorcing, even though I had no lived at home since I was 16.

Were you relieved?

The second time, yes.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?

I learned that marriages require give and take on both sides. My father is a giver, but he wanted to be sure that things were being done efficiently and effectively . My mother is a taker who generally only thinks about herself and her needs above all others. My stepfather was the same way so of course that's not going to work out. There needs to be balance, open communication, and a good bit of perseverance and willingness to compromise on both sides.

 

[Curlee_lurker]

Are you a child of divorce? Yep

What was your experience like? My mom and dad were high school sweethearts and got married young. Tried for years to have me and were so happy when they found out they were pregnant. The day I was born my dad was talked into freebasing with a friend to celebrate. He went from ok to terrible and even stealing from me in a matter of a year. My mom says when I was 2 I came to her while she was crying and said we have to go, we can't live like this anymore. My mom got pregnant with my brother on the way out (would you believe he tricked her with the one more time line?) and was in danger of dying throughout the entire pregnancy. My concern was more on that and our not having a place to live anymore than the thought of not having my father in my home any longer.

Were you put in the middle? I don't remember a time where I didn't know about my father's addiction. I'd experienced everything from the homelessness and being on welfare to my mother being hospitalized from the stress on her pregnant body. I was there when the drug dealers came to try to kill us for debts owed and no one ever kept anything from me. Shockingly my dad would try to put me in the middle and blame my mom.

Did you think it was your fault? My dad's addiction ruined my parents marriage. Even though I know that the drug use literally began the night I was born I don't blame myself for that either. I did blame myself for him not getting clean when I'd hear other parents saying they did it for their kids. My perfectionism stems from that...thinking if I do this or that better maybe my dad will see how great I am and stop smoking crack. I was unfortunately never good enough for him to stop.

Were you relieved? Oh G_d yes. My mom was willing to stay. My coming to her as a 2 year old wasn't enough to tell her to get out. Neither were the threats to our lives from drug dealers. The only thing that kept us away from him was her getting pregnant and nearly dying from the stress.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? That one didn't. My mom's second marriage did. She married for a place for us to live. We had no where to stay and she confided in a classmate, my mom was 28 and he was 40 and he told her he had a place for us...but only if she'd marry him. Yes he was as much of a scumbag as one could imagine. It was 10 years of hell with him and I begged my mom to leave him too. I know that when I do get married it'll be to the right person for the right reasons. I don't know if my dad was a bad decision because who would know that some boy you're growing up with would start doing a drug that doesn't even exist yet...my dad had never smoked weed or had an alcoholic beverage before his first hit. I think her divorces are the least of my concerns about marriage.

 

[Guitarhero]

No, not at all.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Are you a child of divorce? Yes

What was your experience like?

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth? We lived with my mom and rarely saw my dad. He moved to FL after a couple of years and we only visited once. When he moved back to Tx he lived 15 mins away and I still didn't see him on the regular.
Were you put in the middle? Nope
Did you think it was your fault? Nope. I knew my dad was a jackass
Were you relieved? I was too young to really know what was going on.
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage? Don't ignore the signs before marriage. My Dad gave lots of hints that he would be a bad husband and father. BUT, they could have worked through it. They both quit without really trying. So for me marriage us forever if you marry the right person. You can work through most anything.

 

[CaliiSwagg]

Are you a child of divorce?
Yes
What was your experience like?
There wasn't much of an experience since they divorced when I was 3
Were you put in the middle?
Nope.
Did you think it was your fault? Were you relieved?
I knew it wasn't my fault since I was a baby when they split. my parents were far from compatible and they basically got married because they both were running away from lifes problems. My father ended up really depressed, my mother ended up being a married single parent. My father ended up using drugs towards the end of their marriage and that was the last straw for her.
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
For the longest I never wanted to get married because after my parents got divorced my mom was bitter and anger at the male species until I was in high school. So i grew up not seeing the vaule of marriage because I had yet to see any successful ones (I have witnessed divorce in my extended family as well). But as I have begun to mature and understand that all I can do is learn and not make the same mistakes my parents did and do better if I choose marriage for my future.

 

[lilanie]

Are you a child of divorce?
Yes
What was your experience like?
I just stopped living overseas
Were you put in the middle?
Nope.
Did you think it was your fault? Were you relieved?
No, I've always been shocked/amazed by things with many indicators...
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
I cant draw a correlation with their divorce and my views on marriage.
__________________

 

[Aviah]

Parents divorced when I was 3. There were no custody issues, I never saw him again until I was 20.
Its shaped my views on marriage in a hard way that really only God is helping me to get past. I still have this independence in me, and don't see men as having it as hard as women do. As much as the Bible talks about men having to care for their wives and families, I don't see that role as anything more than most women I am surrounded by. They had to bring home the money, budget, cook, clean, wash, put kids through school, total. Mom especially had to do it, sometimes with a man that was cheating, hitting, or (insert dysfunction here). Its made me feel like I have to make sure I can take care of my family (when I have one) and to be very independent, though the independence is a factor of many other variables. I never thought I was to blame for the divorce, the circumstances of marriage were a mess to begin with. However, it has made me most determined to be with a man who will be a real husband and father. The divorce wasn't a problem at all the way the paternal absenteeism was.

 

[Tamster]

Are you a child of divorce?
yep
What was your experience like? For example.......
no good. They should have probably divorced years earlier instead of waiting until it was unbearable and me and my brother old enough to see the disfunction and have strong memories of it
How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?
my mom would tell us to not let him take us anywhere. honestly, part of it was my mom telling us not to go with him, part of it was it was kinda ify going with him. we didnt wanna just spend the weekend at his mothers house etc. there were a lot of tense situations, including callig the police and them bringing the k9 unit.
Were you put in the middle?
yes. often
Did you think it was your fault?
no i think they are both idiots
Were you relieved?
absolutely
How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?
they have definitely messed up my view on it. im kinda like... iffy on it. its sad but for a long time i fully expected to get divorced. Now I kinda see it happening, but i will try my hardest to only marry someone that i feel 100% confident that i can be with. even ifwe do get divorced i want to be an effective coparenter and i want my kids to have a healthy relationship with their father. i will not marry someone who has the capacity to leave his children.

 

[Fabuloso]

No, but sometimes I used to pray they were. Their unhappiness really rubbed off on me and my siblings. They're still married now but it sure was rough on all of us.

 

[NOEChic]

Are you a child of divorce? Yes

What was your experience like? For example.......

How did you deal with the custody situation and moving back and forth?

When my parents told us they were getting a divorce the only thing I asked was who were we going to live with. I was told mommy. Ok cool. There really was no moving back and forth. My mom encouraged my sister and I to go over to our father's house on the weekend even if we didn't want to. He never not showed up, he may have come late to pic us up but not once did he pull a no show.

Were you put in the middle?

Before they got their divorce they would have us pass messages to each other if one was upstairs and the other one was downstairs. At the time I didn't think anything of it except that they were lazy lol. I was never put in the middle of their arguments and nor was I used as a pawn against the other.

Did you think it was your fault?

Nope

Were you relieved?

Yes, because my dad was kind of stricter than my mom. Plus, I had a feeling my mom was unhappy and something was going on even though they never argued in front of us kids. I just wanted my mom to be happy.

How did your parents divorce shape your views on marriage?

My parents divorced showed me that I don't have to be miserable and stay in a miserable marriage. Yes try and work it out as much as you can, but you don't have to martyr yourself for the sake of being married.