Violated by my stylist re: stretching (tears shedded) - LONG

[divachyk]

This is a long vent but my questions are at the bottom if you want to skip the scenario and answer the questions --

I'm not a hard core stretcher because the concept is still new to me. I use to touch up every 6 weeks. My first stretch ended at 9 weeks. I just ended my second stretch tonight at 16 weeks. My stylist is opposed to stretching so immediately when she parted my hair, the jump off took place.

She: OH MY YOU HAVE A LOT OF NEW GROWTH
Me: That's a good thing
She: Try not to go this long again because your hair gets too tangled; our hair is a lot alike
Me: I don't have any problems at home combing and parting my hair *shrug*
She: (quiet..... but her actions spoke louder than words)

She started pulling, yanking and parting my hair with all disregard to proper hair care procedure. She was ripping through the tangles and being rough. I honestly thought my hair was nicely detangled but apparently not. I admit, the new growth was thick, but not such that she should have been muscling up on my head and acting like Pretty Boy Floyd in a boxing match. As she based my scalp and worked the chemical through, I could hear ripping and popping and felt the tugging. I finally had a mental melt down and a few tears streamed down my face; I was just fed up.

Fast forward: After rinsing/conditioning hair, she used a fine tooth comb to detangle my hair AND she detangled from root to tip. I'm sure she's always done this but I never noticed it before because I just didn't know any better prior to joining LHCF. Now that I know better, her technique frustrates me.

As I was getting ready to leave the salon, she hugs me and says -- you didn't suffer any breakage, just shedding for taking so long to get a retouch. You're hair looks great. Blah blah.

Now that I'm home, I glanced over my hair but I can't really see any noticeable damage.

I did all that rambling to ask --
Now that I've ended my stretch, what do you look for to tell if you suffered any breakage, damage, etc? And how do you determine if your stretch was successful or a failed attempt?

 

[LynnieB]

Please tell me you're not going back there for your next touch-up?

 

[Freespirit02]

I smell a hater. What does her hair look like? Girl..she obviously doesn't know what she is doing..or she just doesn't care. Please don't go back there...

 

[shunta]

Please tell me you're not going back there for your next touch-up?

Yes, please tell me you're not going back, right? I wouldn't pay anybody to b***h and complain cause they gotta do a little extra detangling. Hell, that's what you're paying her for.

I'm sure you have worked too hard in your hair journey just to have her ripping and tearing thru your hair like that.

Personally, I can't go over 10 wks stretching cause that's when I notice breakage in my crown area.

 

[Theresamonet]

I guess I would check to see If I had:

(i) lost or gained any length. Are there chips of hairs and the sink/on your shoulders/hands/etc. when you go to style your hair?
(ii) lost or gained any thickness. Is your hair any less thick in sections or overall?

If it hasn't started breaking or thinned out then I say there was no harm done...

But If you are not actually seeing any benefits either, and your hair is pretty much the same as when you aren't stretching, then I don't see the purpose of the stretch in the first place. You are supposed to be gaining something...you don't have to have long stretches to prevent overlapping.

 

[lilsparkle825]

I see too many stories about people sitting there in the chair quiet but MAD while their hair is being violated. Whyyyyy? Plus, you CRIED? Nuh uh, girl, I don't care if she is a relative or a bff, you should have said something. I don't mean to offend you with what I just said -- just a little tough love.

I am not relaxed, but to my knowledge you know it was successful if you were able to get through it without relaxing out of frustration, losing the amount of hair equivalent to a small Persian cat from shedding or breakage, and you would do it that long again. If your ends look thin or you notice a lot of breakage in the next few days, Houston, you have a problem.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

This is a long vent but my questions are at the bottom if you want to skip the scenario and answer the questions --

I'm not a hard core stretcher because the concept is still new to me. I use to touch up every 6 weeks. My first stretch ended at 9 weeks. I just ended my second stretch tonight at 16 weeks. My stylist is opposed to stretching so immediately when she parted my hair, the jump off took place.

She: OH MY YOU HAVE A LOT OF NEW GROWTH
Me: That's a good thing
She: Try not to go this long again because your hair gets too tangled; our hair is a lot alike
Me: I don't have any problems at home combing and parting my hair *shrug*
She: (quiet..... but her actions spoke louder than words)

She started pulling, yanking and parting my hair with all disregard to proper hair care procedure. She was ripping through the tangles and being rough. I honestly thought my hair was nicely detangled but apparently not. I admit, the new growth was thick, but not such that she should have been muscling up on my head and acting like Pretty Boy Floyd in a boxing match. As she based my scalp and worked the chemical through, I could hear ripping and popping and felt the tugging. I finally had a mental melt down and a few tears streamed down my face; I was just fed up.

Fast forward: After rinsing/conditioning hair, she used a fine tooth comb to detangle my hair AND she detangled from root to tip. I'm sure she's always done this but I never noticed it before because I just didn't know any better prior to joining LHCF. Now that I know better, her technique frustrates me.

As I was getting ready to leave the salon, she hugs me and says -- you didn't suffer any breakage, just shedding for taking so long to get a retouch. You're hair looks great. Blah blah.

Now that I'm home, I glanced over my hair but I can't really see any noticeable damage.

I did all that rambling to ask --
Now that I've ended my stretch, what do you look for to tell if you suffered any breakage, damage, etc? And how do you determine if your stretch was successful or a failed attempt?

divachyk:

I'm sorry... when you said your stylist commented on you stretching too long after your nine week stretch, my mind told me to tell you to find another stylist who understands stretching (they have a few out there). I didn't speak up and I should have.

In order to tell if you have breakage, go through your entire head from the root. If the hair growing from the root is noticeably shorter in spots from the rest of your hair that's growing from the roots you likely have breakage.

 

[divachyk]

@LynnieB and others, no -- I'm not going back BUT there are just a few AA stylists to select from. There are no Dominican stylists in the area. Most of the stylists in the area are just hole in the wall salons. I'm really considering retouching myself from here on out.

@loveurself84 -- um a HAM, I know that should have been my sign. My previous stylist was glammed up everyday BUT she started acting like a diva and everyday was a red carpet even FOR HER so I bounced.

@shunta and @Theresamonet, I learned my lesson about stretching long before tonight as I had some difficulty midway through my stretch. I protein overloaded and was trying to get my protein/moisture back balanced before retouching so that's how I ended up going to 16 weeks. I won't stretch this long again. I will stretch to about 10 weeks minimum and 12 weeks maximum.

@lilsparkle825 - I know you meant no harm. I normally am a little tougher skinned than what I showed tonight. I was bothered by what I was enduring but I was mainly upset at myself for stretching this long because I was trying to follow the steps of others. I've learned my bandwagon lesson and tonight just added insult to injury.

HappilyLiberal - It's okay. The difficulty I will face is finding a stylist that understands. I live in a military, predominantly Caucasian area. There are zero AA stylists that I know of that care for the hair like I hear some of the LHCF members speak of. I've been in this area for 12 years and have gone to 4 different stylists and inquired about many more and all have similar qualities in how they treat, part and detangle the hair. Most stylists are hole in the wall salons with one booth and one dryer. That's the kind of area I'm working with. As for the shorter hairs, I had some of those before the retouch so I won't be able to tell if those shorter hairs were a result of the retouch. From here I just move on, right? Right. I won't be stretching like this again.

 

[diadall]

I sense in your post that you want to believe your hairstylist has the best intentions and you want us to say you are over reacting.

Sadly, I am not going to say that. You are not over reacting. I speak from experience. Tugging, pulling, popping noises are not a good sign of someone being gentle with you and your hair.

Beyond doing damage to someone's hair, its just not a good practice to work so rough on someone's head (our brain is in there!)

Salons are like restaurants. If you hate all the food you eat when you go out, you have to learn to cook--or advocate for yourself.

 

[divachyk]

@diadall, nah I was just venting to my LHCF family. ETA: I believe she has her pockets best interest at heart but I also believe she honestly believes she's telling me the right things for my hair and doing the right things for my hair...ignorance is bliss. Also, I know that I'm not overreacting. I also know that I learned a lot about stretching and now know when to end my stretch going forward. But for the here and now I merely wanted to know how to determine if a stretch is/was successful...that's all. Thanks for your input. ETA: I will learn to cook...matter fact, I already know how to cook but opted to let someone else cook for me but think it's about time to get back in the kitchen and do my own retouches.

 

[NikkiQ]

diva...don't make me drive to FL to make sure this doesn't happen again! I can't believe her. I should take that comb and whop her upside the had with it, but I digress...



I'm SOOOOOOoooo sorry this happened to you

 

[sunnieb]

Have you thought about self-relaxing? That way you can stretch as long as you want and don't have to worry about a stylist being rough with your hair.

I'm lucky to have found a stylist that is terrific and understands (and encourages) stretching relaxers. I've already made my mind up that if she quits or we move, I'd become a self-relaxer.

 

[divachyk]

Have you thought about self-relaxing? That way you can stretch as long as you want and don't have to worry about a stylist being rough with your hair.

I'm lucky to have found a stylist that is terrific and understands (and encourages) stretching relaxers. I've already made my mind up that if she quits or we move, I'd become a self-relaxer.

I use to self-relax long ago but just got tired of the hassle. I will take the next few weeks to interview remaining stylists in the area to inquire about stretching, their views, etc. If I don't have any luck, I'll just self-relax next time.

 

[curlyninjagirl]

Nothing to add really except good luck on your stylist search.

We should not have to give our hard-earned money to these hair abusers! From your description, it sounded like that stylist was trying to prove a point at the expense of some of your hair strands. There should be consequences; like suspension of their beautician license or something??

 

[esi.adokowa]

I stretch for a minimum of six months at a time, mostly due to laziness.
so i'm definitely not going to claim to be an expert or anything haha.

in terms of success in stretching, i wouldn't be alarmed by a lot of shedding.
my hair sheds alot before, during, and just after the relaxer process.
just because of the smoothing and combing/detangling.

i would, however, be alarmed by alot of breakage.
if your hair is breaking after your stretch, then maybe stretching isn't for you.

if your hair has not lessened in thickness, and looks and feels healthy, then your stretch has been successful.

p.s.
i used to have a braider who braided my hair so tightly i couldn't sleep..
don't feel bad about not saying anything, at least you knew enough to be upset.
i just thought pain was the price you had to pay haha!

 

[divachyk]

esi.adokowa
The current stylist has only 1 dryer and that was the main reason for the issue tonight. I think she was half way trying to be gentle at first but when additional clients arrived and were waiting, she started feeling the anxiety of getting backed up and went in attack mode and started rushing...the relaxer was on my head by then and as stupid as it sounds, I felt it was best I sit there and not upset her and have her purposely damage my hair out of spite. Either way, I'm looking for another stylist after tonight's drama filled appointment.

p.s.
i remember those braided up days where the hair was so tight it made your eyes look pulled back and tight from the pressure; it was so hard to blink.

 

[kellistarr]

Lynnie B,

This is a bit off-topic, but your hair is FABULOUS!!!!!!!!

 

[kellistarr]

Divachyk,

I'm sorry for your experience. Something similar was done to me and I'm a natural head. Check your hair in the way that others have suggested. Look for short hairs sticking out when your hair is smooth.
You will know if you've experienced breakage. Then start doing your own touch-ups. NOONE will treat your hair with the love that you do. Then interview your styilsts and only make a selection when you're sure that you've found the right one.

 

[Carisa]

Although there may not appear to be any damage caused during this visit if you continue to go to this stylist there will be some damaged caused eventually im assuming just by reading her "techniques". One way i can tell if ive experienced breakage is when there is a hair or hairs shorter than the majority of hairs within the same area

 

[discodumpling]

Sounds like it's time to DIY!

 

[Sistaslick]

Girl I can read your pain in that post. Trust me, I've been there 1000 times. Many stylists out there just don't understand. They can sometimes be hostile to stretchers 1.) b/c you are messing with their cash flow 2.) they have to take extra time on you 3.) they don't care for natural hair. Many of them chalk it up to neglect-- as if you just don't care about your hair to have just "let it go." It's hard to find someone who understands what you are doing and why.

And I've even had one say-- "She has this long hair, but she just doesn't know how to take care of it. She hasn't had a relaxer in 32 weeks" ((announcing to the entire salon)) Ummm... excuse me? How did you think I got there? It wasn't an accident.

I still haven't found "the one"-- but she's out there I hope. For now, I've had to take all aspects of care into my own hands. Including relaxing.

 

[ctosha]

I am so sorry you had to go through that whole ordeal I can say I have been there myself and let me tell you that was my last perm and last day at my former hairdressers 3 yrs ago. I hope you find another hairdresser who has the patients to gently handle your hair as clearly this one did not. Some individuals who call themselves "hairdresser" should really consider another profession.

 

[LushLox]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. Hopefully you'll find another stylist who will respect you and your hair and your aspirations.

I'm a bit fed up of my stylist too, I detangle very thoroughly before I see her for a touch up but she still isn't as gentle as she could be and I've told her time and time again not to put the relaxer on my previously relaxed hair, and she still manages to do it every time. I really didn't want the hassle of researching and finding a suitable alternative, but I'll have to, either that or start self relaxing.

 

[BlaqBella]

Sorry OP (the stupid stylist deserves to lose your business) thank goodness for the honesty and support here. You're a smart lady and you will be more aware now.

 

[Urban]

Awww Diva.

Like the other ladies said. I wouldn't go back to her. She'll just do the same thing again.

And I just don't understand her logic .... stretching causes shedding? LOL, How???

 

[Guitarhero]

I wasn't going to respond but it's reinforcement that you should conform. Then offering you a hug? She punished you for growing out several inches of natural hair by disdaining it and being irritated but thought she brought you to repentence by offering a kindness afterwards so you won't do it again. Learn to do your hair at home! Nobody should be subjected to the "kindness" of confused others.

 

[divachyk]

@Carisa, @kellistarr and others -- I did a thorough review of my hair tonight and there is some breakage. My hair was roller set so it's in ringlet curls so I really can't tell the exact extent of the breakage but from what I can see there is a fair amount of breakage throughout. I'll be fair, I won't blame her for all breakage BUT I know the areas where she did the most yanking and sure enough, short hairs are there.

@Sistaslick, @ctosha and others, I refuse to go back to her. It was humiliating how she announced the difficulties with doing my hair to the entire salon. She uses Design Essentials relaxers in individually wrapped, small containers. I could tell she was really upset when she had to break out a 2nd container to complete my touch up. A distant acquaintance arrived to the salon as the stylist was applying the relaxer so the acquaintance was unsure what was going on. Today the acquaintance drops me an email at work to say -- what was going on last night because "the stylist" was being overly rough with your head and looked upset while doing your hair.

@Sistaslick, I'm soooo ready for that book.

@Cream Tee - find another stylist now...don't wait until you get in my situation. Please learn from my scenario. My only saving grace is that I have a lot of hair and the broken areas are not very noticeable.

@BlaqBella, @Urban and others, I thank you and all others for the support. It feels great having a support group to just vent to if nothing more. The stylist's logic is that she doesn't know any better; I'm convinced. Other random garbage she fed me during my visit: She told me I didn't have any split ends but that I needed a trim because my hair was uneven. Before leaving the salon, she asked how did I plan to maintain my ringlet curls. I mentioned steam rollers and SHE STARTED RAMBLING ABOUT THEY CAN DRY OUT THE HAIR AND CAUSE SHEDDING AND THAT I NEEDED TO STAY AWAY FROM THOSE. During previous visits, I've asked her to s&d and/or dust my ends but she didn't know what that mean. I think all these among other things that I won't bore you with is my cue to KIM and never look back.

@Volver_Alma_Gitana, a hug, can you believe that....after all that attitude she served up?? A hug....smh.

ETA: Although I don't consider this a successful stretch with all the drama surrounding it and the breakage experienced....overall, I gained 2" from Aug - Oct. I actually started stretching in July but didn't length check and start tracking it until August for some crazy reason. The gained length is the only highlight in all this madness.