Trying to be friends first

F

FluffyRed

New Member
I just wanted to get all the brilliant ladies' opinions on this topic.

I have been off of dating for a while, with a couple of exceptions.

My neighbor, this cute young guy, volunteered to tell me the following: "Miss Fluffy, you are really beautiful, and I think you would have a man if you didn't dress so athletic on the weekends. Just go out looking nice and you'll meet somebody." :blush: (we've hung out before)

We weren't even talking about men. It just must have busted out of him. THEN he said, "You should try to be friends first."

I am doing a little better at the "making an effort" occasionally." :drunk: (Hey, I may go to the gym at any time!!!)

But, the "trying to be friends first" did stick in my mind. Some of the best results I have had in the past have been when I truly did not want to date the person, and he convinced me over time. This is kinda like dating in college, right? You're more careful with what you do because your reputation is involved, this is your community. You don't act on "chemistry" as fast. At least I didn't.

I'm dating this one guy, he's a little eager. He's not a knockout, but neither am I. I'm letting his looks grow on me. I've had to back him off from calling me 6x a day and asking me to come over all the time. Not requiring him to take me out all the time. I'm trying to be his friend, trying to get to know him. I think he has good qualities. But there will be no "third date" action.

What do you think about trying to be friends first?

What do you think that even means?

Is there a better way to do the friends thing?
 
FluffyRed said:
I just wanted to get all the brilliant ladies' opinions on this topic.

I have been off of dating for a while, with a couple of exceptions.

My neighbor, this cute young guy, volunteered to tell me the following: "Miss Fluffy, you are really beautiful, and I think you would have a man if you didn't dress so athletic on the weekends. Just go out looking nice and you'll meet somebody." :blush: (we've hung out before)

We weren't even talking about men. It just must have busted out of him. THEN he said, "You should try to be friends first."

I am doing a little better at the "making an effort" occasionally." :drunk: (Hey, I may go to the gym at any time!!!)

But, the "trying to be friends first" did stick in my mind. Some of the best results I have had in the past have been when I truly did not want to date the person, and he convinced me over time. This is kinda like dating in college, right? You're more careful with what you do because your reputation is involved, this is your community. You don't act on "chemistry" as fast. At least I didn't.

I'm dating this one guy, he's a little eager. He's not a knockout, but neither am I. I'm letting his looks grow on me. I've had to back him off from calling me 6x a day and asking me to come over all the time. Not requiring him to take me out all the time. I'm trying to be his friend, trying to get to know him. I think he has good qualities. But there will be no "third date" action.

What do you think about trying to be friends first?

What do you think that even means?

Is there a better way to do the friends thing?
Click to expand...

This is the route I'm taking. I've done the whole acting out of "chemistry" thing and it always lead me to being needy & attracting the WRONG person for me. Those relationships NEVER amounted to anything.
There is someone I am interested in. However, at this time we are only friends. If it's God's will (and I've prayed on it) over time, we will hopefully grow into something more. :yep:
I prefer getting to know someone first rather than being soooo physically attracted at first and not taking it slow.
 
Loca, I was about to say the same thing. It would seem to me that the neighbor was putting his feelers out to see what you would say...
 
What do you think about trying to be friends first?

It's the BEST way to go when dating. Should be the ONLY way, IMO.

What do you think that even means?

Getting to know the person, talking and share experiences with them without the influence of intimacy clouding the reality of your long term potential and true compatibility.

Is there a better way to do the friends thing?

A better way in comparison to what?

A good way to establish being friends first is day-time dates. Lunch, museums, the book store, matinees, fishing, miniature golf, flea market shopping..etc. Depending on your interests. You'll get to see each other in different elements and learn more about each others interests. Cultivate the interests you both share and the friendship will come easy.
 
FluffyRed said:
He is really cute and muscular and tall and he has this very masculine, high testosterone sex appeal. We actually used to watch movies together at night before he had a gf. :grin:
Click to expand...

So you've messed around with dude already? Then his statement was advice that stemmed from your behavior with him.
 
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SvelteVelvet said:
A better way in comparison to what?

A good way to establish being friends first is day-time dates. Lunch, museums, the book store, matinees, fishing, miniature golf, flea market shopping..etc. Depending on your interests. You'll get to see each other in different elements and learn more about each others interests. Cultivate the interests you both share and the friendship will come easy.
Click to expand...

Better than I described above. Your answer is good. More day-dates.:yep:
 
FluffyRed said:
We never had sex or made out. I can see him through his sweats and he would sometimes grab and hug me, while aroused. The pink taco discussion was when we had a discussion on "acquired tastes." He didn't believe you could "learn" to like something. He said he still doesn't.
Click to expand...

Oh ok, so you already have a friendship with the neighbor. Maybe you've talked to him about your relationships with men or he knows of the men you've dated while know you?
 
SvelteVelvet said:
Oh ok, so you already have a friendship with the neighbor. Maybe you've talked to him about your relationships with men or he knows of the men you've dated while know you?
Click to expand...

No, he doesn't know anyone I've dated, or any details on my relationships. He just sees that I am single.
 
I have the HARDEST time with this....*sigh*

I really like this guy right now and we have great chemistry and a good time together, so I naturally assume we should just "be together." Well because things aren't moving at the the pace I think they should I'm getting all anxious and out of sorts. He tells me all the time to relax, but it's hard.

So yesterday I had an epiphany and realized that I do want to be his friend. My best situations have been when I didn't force the relationship. So I pulled up yesterday and found that he was actually pulling closer to me. So I'm going to try to stick to it...
 
arr1216 said:
I have the HARDEST time with this....*sigh*

I really like this guy right now and we have great chemistry and a good time together, so I naturally assume we should just "be together." Well because things aren't moving at the the pace I think they should I'm getting all anxious and out of sorts. He tells me all the time to relax, but it's hard.

So yesterday I had an epiphany and realized that I do want to be his friend. My best situations have been when I didn't force the relationship. So I pulled up yesterday and found that he was actually pulling closer to me. So I'm going to try to stick to it...
Click to expand...

I think this is the key. Just look at it as someone that you're getting to know as a FRIEND. The more you force it, the more they will draw away but when you let it be, they will draw to you because there will be no anxiousness on your part. I'm in the same boat. GOod luck to you! :yep:
 
I'm actually going through this right now. Met a dude at a professional networking event, exchanged numbers and have talking and "getting to know each other" ever since.

I like the friend's first approach because it allows you to build a relationship with someone that isn't based on romantic intentions. That being said, it's also an adjustment getting comfortable with the level of expectations that come along with it - being friends first implies that there will be other people that you both are dating. Which is fine, just don't be afraid to be open and talk about it (I have to remind myself of this frequently). When people ask either of us what's going on - it's the simple "we're getting to know each other" response.

I dunno - I'm enjoying the process. :)

Are there better ways to do this? You've got to keep in mind that you are going about it by being FRIENDS. So what do you do with your friends? Do these same things with that individual. We watch sports (i'm a sports fan), we talk about and trade books (he's got me reading 2), we talk about and exchange music etc. You don't have to avoid things that are date-ish, just make sure that you're cognizant of the approach.
 
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Syrah said:
I'm actually going through this right now. Met a dude at a professional networking event, exchanged numbers and have talking and "getting to know each other" ever since.

I like the friend's first approach because it allows you to build a relationship with someone that isn't based on romantic intentions. That being said, it's also an adjustment getting comfortable with the level of expectations that come along with it - being friends first implies that there will be other people that you both are dating. Which is fine, just don't be afraid to be open and talk about it (I have to remind myself of this frequently). When people ask either of us what's going on - it's the simple "we're getting to know each other" response.

I dunno - I'm enjoying the process. :)

Are there better ways to do this? You've got to keep in mind that you are going about it by being FRIENDS. So what do you do with your friends? Do these same things with that individual. We watch sports (i'm a sports fan), we talk about and trade books (he's got me reading 2), we talk about and exchange music etc. You don't have to avoid things that are date-ish, just make sure that you're cognizant of the approach.
Click to expand...

WOW! THat sounds GREAT!!! A better foundation than "chemistry." Good luck to you two!
 
The only relationship that I've had that have ever worked out have been friends first. I think its a great approach.
 
I think it's great to be friends with the man that you are involved with but I can't be "convinced" to like someone. I either do or don't on first meeting.
 
I guess my question is, how are we defining the term friend?

(And no, I'm not hinting at friends with benefits or anything like that.)

Because I know that in my dating life, I am not necessarily looking to make them "friends" first and then move to boyfriend-girlfriend. That seems like an unnecessary step in the courting process. Plus, I believe that some men simply will just be friends, while others will be partners (who in a way, become your friends as well). I'm thinking of some threads we've had where people have said they only dated their DHs for nine months or a year before getting married, so it sounds like they were involved from the beginning.

But for me, dating isn't about seeing if there's "chemistry," and if there is, jumping into bed with the dude and then we're in a relationship. I'm usually spending time with that man (and others) before deciding to get more seriously involved, so I guess the friendship part is developing that way... but still, my main objective isn't to find a friend... I'm not going to be spending that much time with a man if he is not marriage material.

So yes, our early interactions will be more lighthearted, talkative, get-to-know-you types of involvement BEFORE I take that leap into a more intimate relationship (and not just physically intimate), but I'm not aiming to make him my "friend."
 
Bunny77 said:
I guess my question is, how are we defining the term friend?

(And no, I'm not hinting at friends with benefits or anything like that.)

Because I know that in my dating life, I am not necessarily looking to make them "friends" first and then move to boyfriend-girlfriend. That seems like an unnecessary step in the courting process. Plus, I believe that some men simply will just be friends, while others will be partners (who in a way, become your friends as well). I'm thinking of some threads we've had where people have said they only dated their DHs for nine months or a year before getting married, so it sounds like they were involved from the beginning.

But for me, dating isn't about seeing if there's "chemistry," and if there is, jumping into bed with the dude and then we're in a relationship. I'm usually spending time with that man (and others) before deciding to get more seriously involved, so I guess the friendship part is developing that way... but still, my main objective isn't to find a friend... I'm not going to be spending that much time with a man if he is not marriage material.

So yes, our early interactions will be more lighthearted, talkative, get-to-know-you types of involvement BEFORE I take that leap into a more intimate relationship (and not just physically intimate), but I'm not aiming to make him my "friend."
Click to expand...


I can always count on you to put it into perspective. Excellent post!!
 
MizAvalon said:
I think it's great to be friends with the man that you are involved with but I can't be "convinced" to like someone. I either do or don't on first meeting.
Click to expand...

Right!

There's one situation right now where I'm dealing with a guy on a friendly/business level right now. I have no idea if he's interested, but he gives off a few hints. He invited me to a Super Bowl party on Sunday and I'll probably go. We've met for coffee a few times for business purposes as well, but our conversations end up being more friendly than business-like.

So if us spending this type of time together creates a friendship that leads to more later on, then that's cool! I think it's great when these types of friendships turn into something more, because a foundation is already there!

But relationships don't all develop the same way... and you're not always in a position to simply have a good male friend who develops into more than that... so if Mr. Friendly/Business guy takes it too slow (if he's interested), some other dude could have already swooped in and snatched me up by the time he finally decides to ask me out/express interest!
 
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MizAvalon said:
I think it's great to be friends with the man that you are involved with but I can't be "convinced" to like someone. I either do or don't on first meeting.
Click to expand...

Bunny77 said:
I guess my question is, how are we defining the term friend?

(And no, I'm not hinting at friends with benefits or anything like that.)

Because I know that in my dating life, I am not necessarily looking to make them "friends" first and then move to boyfriend-girlfriend. That seems like an unnecessary step in the courting process. Plus, I believe that some men simply will just be friends, while others will be partners (who in a way, become your friends as well). I'm thinking of some threads we've had where people have said they only dated their DHs for nine months or a year before getting married, so it sounds like they were involved from the beginning.

But for me, dating isn't about seeing if there's "chemistry," and if there is, jumping into bed with the dude and then we're in a relationship. I'm usually spending time with that man (and others) before deciding to get more seriously involved, so I guess the friendship part is developing that way... but still, my main objective isn't to find a friend... I'm not going to be spending that much time with a man if he is not marriage material.

So yes, our early interactions will be more lighthearted, talkative, get-to-know-you types of involvement BEFORE I take that leap into a more intimate relationship (and not just physically intimate), but I'm not aiming to make him my "friend."
Click to expand...

To the first quote, I have definitely developed attraction to a coworker over time as I've gotten to know him.

To the second, we might be talking about the same thing. I'm just saying that instead of the "third date rule" or something like that, going for the chemistry when it arises, to try to wait until you really feel comfortable with the person and feel some trust. Sounds like you may already do that.

I don't know if every situation can be shaped that way, though.

Like, if I feel chemistry, instead of jumping on him :giggle: try to restrict myself to day dates and other things, to get to know him as a person. That's what I'm thinking.
 
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FluffyRed said:
To the first quote, I have definitely developed attraction to a coworker over time as I've gotten to know him.

To the second, we might be talking about the same thing. I'm just saying that instead of the "third date rule" or something like that, going for the chemistry when it arises, to try to wait until you really feel comfortable with the person and feel some trust. Sounds like you may already do that.

I don't know if every situation can be shaped that way, though.

Like, if I feel chemistry, instead of jumping on him :giggle: try to restrict myself to day dates and other things, to get to know him as a person. That's what I'm thinking.
Click to expand...

Okay! I think we agree as well!

I'm with you on the not-jumping-on-the-dude-on-the-third-date rule. I don't like that whole process... where you know dude will kiss you on the third date and then it turns into a full-on make-out session to then progress as far as you'll take it.

Then after that, it's like, now what? You realize later on that you barely know the dude!!!

So I want a third date to simply be a third date... and a fourth date be a fourth date... we're getting to know each other and the obvious intention on both ends should be to determine if we're going to enter a relationship, but we can hold off for a while on the physical part. :)
 
Bunny77 said:
I guess my question is, how are we defining the term friend?

(And no, I'm not hinting at friends with benefits or anything like that.)

Because I know that in my dating life, I am not necessarily looking to make them "friends" first and then move to boyfriend-girlfriend. That seems like an unnecessary step in the courting process. Plus, I believe that some men simply will just be friends, while others will be partners (who in a way, become your friends as well). I'm thinking of some threads we've had where people have said they only dated their DHs for nine months or a year before getting married, so it sounds like they were involved from the beginning.

But for me, dating isn't about seeing if there's "chemistry," and if there is, jumping into bed with the dude and then we're in a relationship. I'm usually spending time with that man (and others) before deciding to get more seriously involved, so I guess the friendship part is developing that way... but still, my main objective isn't to find a friend... I'm not going to be spending that much time with a man if he is not marriage material.

So yes, our early interactions will be more lighthearted, talkative, get-to-know-you types of involvement BEFORE I take that leap into a more intimate relationship (and not just physically intimate), but I'm not aiming to make him my "friend."
Click to expand...

See...I guess that's my mindset. I feel to a degree that we're conditioned to think that it's either/or, and not both/and. I mean obviously great relationships are built on friendships and mutual respect. But do you have to deny chemistry in the process? There is chemistry in friendships, although it's different...but there is something about that person that makes you want to be someone's friend.

Yes friendship is important, but at least for me, I'm at a point in life where that friendship is serving a purpose.
 
Bunny77 said:
So I want a third date to simply be a third date... and a fourth date be a fourth date... we're getting to know each other and the obvious intention on both ends should be to determine if we're going to enter a relationship, but we can hold off for a while on the physical part. :)
Click to expand...

So that's what I'm asking. How to manage that. I'm assuming you acknowledge the chemistry... How do you restrain yourself? Do you avoid seeing him sometimes?

Cuz I get to hyperventilating and stuff. And if a dude wasn't trying to make some progress around the bases, I would be on DL watch.
 
FluffyRed said:
So that's what I'm asking. How to manage that. I'm assuming you acknowledge the chemistry... How do you restrain yourself? Do you avoid seeing him sometimes?

Cuz I get to hyperventilating and stuff. And if a dude wasn't trying to make some progress around the bases, I would be on DL watch.
Click to expand...

Girl, this is going to be my big test coming up! :)

I think I might have a few second dates over the next few weeks, and there's one who could definitely get a third if he doesn't screw up the second. I assume that he will attempt to kiss me then, but I am just going to have to use some extreme willpower and tell myself before the date that it is not going to move farther than kissing (and not too much hot-and-heavy tongue action either)!

What might work is trying to stay out of folks' houses/apartments where there are couches and beds... :lol: I also like your ideas of daytime dates. Nighttime dates are okay too as long as they are still out in public... I'd just try to avoid the house/watching movies on the couch/cooking dinner thing for a bit.

And he can still show some affection during these times -- holding your hand, putting his arm around you, etc... so that's how you can know the chemistry is there!

Would I avoid seeing him? Hmm, maybe, but not in a deliberate obvious way to seem like I'm playing a game. Say he wants to see me 3-4 times a week. That might be too much in the beginning... plus if you do that, you are giving up parts of your own life to be around him, so if he suggested something, I might say, "I've got XYZ going on that night, but how about the next night?"

I wouldn't do the above to "slow things down" though. You do that so that he still knows that he has to court you and that he better stay on his Ps and Qs in the process! You don't want to be taken for granted too early.
 
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