TRUST ISSUES

[gabulldawg]

I don't know why I have them, but I do!! I have been with my current SO for about 3 years now and the relationship is pretty much good for the most part. I am really enjoying our relationship along with the perks of it (SO just got a new house). There have been lots of talk about marriage floating around and I find myself thinking about the possibility of marriage and family. So, lately I have been having trust issues in regards to my SO with really no basis for them. I have never been in a serious relationship, never been cheated on, two-timed, etc. I guess my reason for having trust issues is just because I have never done the whole serious relationship before. Do you ladies have any suggestions on how I can improve my trust in my man? I fear that my issues will drive him away.

 

[Farida]

Have any of your parents/family members had experiences that bring these feelings on?

Allow me to go on a different tangent. IMO trust issues do not come out of nowhere. I have read many of your threads and I will tell you where I think your trust issues come/came from:

1. His parents' involvement in your relationship. Perhaps a part of you deep down does not trust that he'll handle problems like these, which only intensify in marriage, when you get married.

2. Him staying out late with single friends. - I believe this is a BIG One. Even though I believe my FH would not cheat on me, him putting himself in inappropriate situations would definitely make me start having trust issues.

3. Marriage talk but no engagement yet. Perhaps a part of you feels like this needs to happen sooner.

4. Sex. You say he was your first and you mentioned that if you ended up breaking up you would regret sleeping with him. (Did I confuse you with another member? Correct me if I did) Perhaps a part of you is afraid that things may not work out with him, then what? The fact that you are so intimately entwined makes the stakes higher - hence the trust issues.

Sorry if I went too Dr. Phil on you. The above would be my guess. Oh, and I'm not stalking you, I just remember a lot about what people say.

If not any of the above, I would urge you so sit down and try and figure out what exactly you don't trust. Fidelity? Commitment? Competence? Love? Sex? Then try and look at the relationships your friends and family has/had, the media influence and trace where this comes from. Good luck!

 

[Syrah]

I don't know why I have them, but I do!! I have been with my current SO for about 3 years now and the relationship is pretty much good for the most part. I am really enjoying our relationship along with the perks of it (SO just got a new house). There have been lots of talk about marriage floating around and I find myself thinking about the possibility of marriage and family. So, lately I have been having trust issues in regards to my SO with really no basis for them. I have never been in a serious relationship, never been cheated on, two-timed, etc. I guess my reason for having trust issues is just because I have never done the whole serious relationship before. Do you ladies have any suggestions on how I can improve my trust in my man? I fear that my issues will drive him away.

Call me harsh - but I'm going to try the sink or swim method...

Here's the thing?? Your issues aside - is your man a good one? Is he a good provider? Would he make/Is he a good father? Do you feel supported by him? Do you feel comfortable supporting him in his hopes and dreams? Can you accept his family (cuz I know some folks come from families that can make or break a deal)?

If you've answered yes to all of these questions - then I say SNAP out of it (easier said then done - trust me, I know). If he has yet to present any evidence that warrants your lack of trust in him - you continuing to project your own insecurities on him isn't going to help your relationship. It's only going to bring everything you fear to fruition. Because lets face it - if he hasn't done/said/hinted at anything that warrants your lack of trust, then your feelings of distrust have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

And I guess it comes down to this: are you willing to potentially lose this man over your lack of trust?

It's possible to protect yourself and still open yourself COMPLETELY to the potential of a beautiful relationship. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Go for it!!! What you stand to gain far outweighs what you think you could lose...

 

[MrsBurns82]

I'm going to approach this from the other end of the spectrum. My SO has major trust issues with me. Before we became EXCLUSIVE (this being my excuse) I had a text convo with an ex of mine that had some sexual undertones. While I know for certain I never intended on acting on it I was just relishing in the attention(so sad) my SO felt very different about it(don't ask me why he was in my phone(another excuse of mine) and still does. It's very annoying to be questioned over and over about things you have no intention on doing or haven't done.

I'm not going to go as far as to say that I wish I would have done it but sometimes I feel like the outcome of his reaction would have been the same. Everyone has the potential to do anything you can't fault someone for something they haven't done.

Now if he does by all means girly go Beyonce on his A double crooked letter and Ring the Alarm!!!

 

[gabulldawg]

Have any of your parents/family members had experiences that bring these feelings on?

Allow me to go on a different tangent. IMO trust issues do not come out of nowhere. I have read many of your threads and I will tell you where I think your trust issues come/came from:

1. His parents' involvement in your relationship. Perhaps a part of you deep down does not trust that he'll handle problems like these, which only intensify in marriage, when you get married.

2. Him staying out late with single friends. - I believe this is a BIG One. Even though I believe my FH would not cheat on me, him putting himself in inappropriate situations would definitely make me start having trust issues.

3. Marriage talk but no engagement yet. Perhaps a part of you feels like this needs to happen sooner.

4. Sex. You say he was your first and you mentioned that if you ended up breaking up you would regret sleeping with him. (Did I confuse you with another member? Correct me if I did) Perhaps a part of you is afraid that things may not work out with him, then what? The fact that you are so intimately entwined makes the stakes higher - hence the trust issues.

Sorry if I went too Dr. Phil on you. The above would be my guess. Oh, and I'm not stalking you, I just remember a lot about what people say.

If not any of the above, I would urge you so sit down and try and figure out what exactly you don't trust. Fidelity? Commitment? Competence? Love? Sex? Then try and look at the relationships your friends and family has/had, the media influence and trace where this comes from. Good luck!

Hey, Viv. You really broke it down!! But I think it's #2 over anything else. BUT he doesn't do it often, so I don't know why I worry about it so much. I think the other issue would be that one of my close cousins has recently dealt with her husband cheating on her, and I think that every time I hear stories like that it causes me to lose faith in men.

 

[gabulldawg]

Call me harsh - but I'm going to try the sink or swim method...

Here's the thing?? Your issues aside - is your man a good one? Is he a good provider? Would he make/Is he a good father? Do you feel supported by him? Do you feel comfortable supporting him in his hopes and dreams? Can you accept his family (cuz I know some folks come from families that can make or break a deal)?

If you've answered yes to all of these questions - then I say SNAP out of it (easier said then done - trust me, I know). If he has yet to present any evidence that warrants your lack of trust in him - you continuing to project your own insecurities on him isn't going to help your relationship. It's only going to bring everything you fear to fruition. Because lets face it - if he hasn't done/said/hinted at anything that warrants your lack of trust, then your feelings of distrust have nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

And I guess it comes down to this: are you willing to potentially lose this man over your lack of trust?

It's possible to protect yourself and still open yourself COMPLETELY to the potential of a beautiful relationship. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Go for it!!! What you stand to gain far outweighs what you think you could lose...

Well I did answer yes to all of these questions. I have issues, I know. But I guess I need to work on trusting completely before I ruin our relationship.

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm going to approach this from the other end of the spectrum. My SO has major trust issues with me. Before we became EXCLUSIVE (this being my excuse) I had a text convo with an ex of mine that had some sexual undertones. While I know for certain I never intended on acting on it I was just relishing in the attention(so sad) my SO felt very different about it(don't ask me why he was in my phone(another excuse of mine) and still does. It's very annoying to be questioned over and over about things you have no intention on doing or haven't done.

I'm not going to go as far as to say that I wish I would have done it but sometimes I feel like the outcome of his reaction would have been the same. Everyone has the potential to do anything you can't fault someone for something they haven't done.

Now if he does by all means girly go Beyonce on his A double crooked letter and Ring the Alarm!!!

Thanks for letting me see the other side of the situation in a comical way.

 

[Divine_Order]

I would say if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust him (ie. women calling, lipstick on the collar,etc) why should you worry your pretty lil head about it? No sense on harping on what "could" happen. Just enjoy what you guys have

 

[gabulldawg]

I would say if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust him (ie. women calling, lipstick on the collar,etc) why should you worry your pretty lil head about it? No sense on harping on what "could" happen. Just enjoy what you guys have

And that's EXACTLY what I do, too.

 

[Divine_Order]

And that's EXACTLY what I do, too.

Sent you a pmoke:

 

[Farida]

Gabulldawg that reason would make the most sense to me, coupled with that family member cheating.

When I was growing up several respected, church, married men tried to get with my widowed mom - she fled them in a hurry. They enjoyed having a woman to do things for who was so appreciative because she was alone. Now when I started dating FH, he was always trying to do things for other women (that's just his nature) and this one girl fell for him really hard. It really shattered my trust for about a year because he didn't seem to think she had feelings for him until more than one person told him. It scared me because I started linking it to my experiences as a kid.

Just try and stay as objective as possible.