Tired of being the SUPPORTIVE Chick

[Syrah]

I'm serious. I've had it. I'm DONE.

:::breathe:::

Background: Me and my girls have all come out of 4+ year relationships (on again, off again types) within the past 6 months. No hard feelings, just disappointment at the fact that things didn't work out.

So we were all at dinner and you know what we realized - we played the roll of supportive chick TO THE TEE. When the fellas were coming up off the wall ideas on their path to wherever, we were "oh yea, you can do it", "how can I help??". When **** didn't work out it was "ok babe, lets figure out how we can make it better next time" "no prob babe, better luck next time", "don't worry about it, I got you".

But it was too easy.

Supportive chick came too easily. And we all think our respective fellas didn't work to keep us around because they never thought they HAD to. And not in a bad way - it's human nature. The path of least resistance. Why work hard for something you feel like you already have?? Why study for 6 hours when you think the 3 hours is going to get you that A??

We've all got friends who have got fellas jumping through HOOPS to take them out and be around them (and some take it too far - I've got a girl who always meets really nice, attractive, old fashioned fellas who bring small gifts to dates and what not - but always seems to end up single 2 months later).

We've got the "supportive" chick routine DOWN. Now it's time to learn how to play the "you've got to work for this" chick - the ECONOMIC chick. And by economic, I don't mean but that the rewards are a direct correlation of the effort. And I also don't mean taking it too extremes - because golddigging just ain't my style, but my unconditional support should be EARNED not given.

...and Supportive chick isn't going anywhere, she's just going to become a little harder to come by.

Am I the only one?!

 

[carcajada]

I don't think it's the supportive chick part that's the problem.

...and I'm backing out of the thread before I get e-stoned again on the "dating" topic.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Nope. Not the only one. I've been revamping my "Why Men Love *****es" read

I'm totally in a *****s ain't **** mode...

 

[Syrah]

I don't think it's the supportive chick part that's the problem.

...and I'm backing out of the thread before I get e-stoned again on the "dating" topic.

Don't run, girl. Drop those pearls of wisdom.

...and I agree, I don't think it's the supportive chick that was the problem. But what I do think is that when things come to easy and become EXPECTED there is no desire to work for them. I don't want to put all my business out there, but about 6 months after the split we went for dinner and talked. And actually laughed about why we fell apart, and I asked him straight up "All those times I asked you for _____ and you always said 'yea, i'll do it'...how come you never did?".

And he said straight up "because I figured you weren't going anywhere".

At which point I couldn't decide if I wanted to throw my water on him...or me. But he was just being honest.

 

[sunnydaze]

Don't run, girl. Drop those pearls of wisdom.

...and I agree, I don't think it's the supportive chick that was the problem. But what I do think is that when things come to easy and become EXPECTED there is no desire to work for them. I don't want to put all my business out there, but about 6 months after the split we went for dinner and talked. And actually laughed about why we fell apart, and I asked him straight up "All those times I asked you for _____ and you always said 'yea, i'll do it'...how come you never did?".

And he said straight up "because I figured you weren't going anywhere".
.

LOL..how about throw the water on him while saying "thanks for being honest."

 

[zora]

This is a really good thread. I think you have great insight. As another poster said, it's not the 'support' that is the issue, it's the lack of respect, taking for 'granted-ness' and the lack of value put on the relationship.

Every guy wants a ride or die chick. And every woman should have that as well.

 

[LadyChe]

I don't think it's the supportive chick part that's the problem.

...and I'm backing out of the thread before I get e-stoned again on the "dating" topic.

Cmon Classy! Break it down... or at least send it in a pm..

 

[Farida]

I think there are some things in a relationship that are earned from scratch, but some are interest-earned accounts. Like trust. When you trust someone, you start with a "pool" of trust and as time goes by it gets stronger/weaker. Once the person betrays the trust it is sometimes impossible to regain.

Support, not so much. Depends on what you mean by support. Emotional? Monetary? Physical? If I meet a man I will support him. He doesn't have to earn my support - but like trust, he can lose it if he betrays it. I will support him emotionally as appropriate to the level of commitment we have attained. If you try and make a man earn your support he will soon be gone.

Please, Please, I beg. Don't let previous relationships sabotage future ones. You might miss a good thing. If you supported someone and they didn't reciprocate or you didn't receive respect don't withdraw support from the next dude because you expect him to act like the last one.

In as much as heart-to-hearts with GFs are great, sometimes they are counter-productive.

 

[Amour]

This is a really good thread. I think you have great insight. As another poster said, it's not the 'support' that is the issue, it's the lack of respect, taking for 'granted-ness' and the lack of value put on the relationship.

Every guy wants a ride or die chick. And every woman should have that as well.

ita... very interesting thread, i'm so tempted to copy and paste your Original post to my friends for some food for thought, its something we constantly talk about

 

[SvelteVelvet]

This has been topic of convo between my girlfriends as well and one of our older friends has been telling us that we need to start acting like B****es to these dudes because we're just like you, supportive in all areas 'ride or die' chick and it's the same thing, getting taken for granted..

So things like expecting him to take you out and pay for things, open doors, and win your time and attention will set the mold for the relationship and if he's man enough and wants you enough he'll show that by doing all those things. But you can't let that attitude about yourself and what you deserve go because so will his efforts.

Sucks it has to take work like that but reality is it does, men really are an easy science when it comes to how their minds work and what makes them be MEN or DOGS, and I believe the woman they are dealing with at the time determines whether he is a man or a dog, because remember people only do what you let them and you teach people how to treat you.

I think this is a great coming of age lesson to all women. If none of your relationships are working, maybe it's time to re-vamp your approach to your relationships.

 

[eyunka]

I second this...

I think there are some things in a relationship that are earned from scratch, but some are interest-earned accounts. Like trust. When you trust someone, you start with a "pool" of trust and as time goes by it gets stronger/weaker. Once the person betrays the trust it is sometimes impossible to regain.

Support, not so much. Depends on what you mean by support. Emotional? Monetary? Physical? If I meet a man I will support him. He doesn't have to earn my support - but like trust, he can lose it if he betrays it. I will support him emotionally as appropriate to the level of commitment we have attained. If you try and make a man earn your support he will soon be gone.

Please, Please, I beg. Don't let previous relationships sabotage future ones. You might miss a good thing. If you supported someone and they didn't reciprocate or you didn't receive respect don't withdraw support from the next dude because you expect him to act like the last one.

In as much as heart-to-hearts with GFs are great, sometimes they are counter-productive.

 

[adf23]

I just think there is a delicate balance between being a doormat and being supportive. Alot of women have a hard time reaching the happy medium.

Grinning and bearing it to everything thrown our way in a relationship isn't being supportive, it's being a doormat.

 

[Browndilocks]

Wow. There are some great points being presented on this thread on both sides.

I think I fall in the middle somewhere. Better yet - I'm the type of person who will usually trust or support someone 100% from the beginning. It's when I believe my support is being taken advantage of that I tend to pull back...

The problem however is that sometimes when the support is misued, it's harder to actually pull back once a relationship has began. 2-edged sword.

 

[Syrah]

I think there are some things in a relationship that are earned from scratch, but some are interest-earned accounts. Like trust. When you trust someone, you start with a "pool" of trust and as time goes by it gets stronger/weaker. Once the person betrays the trust it is sometimes impossible to regain.

Support, not so much. Depends on what you mean by support. Emotional? Monetary? Physical? If I meet a man I will support him. He doesn't have to earn my support - but like trust, he can lose it if he betrays it. I will support him emotionally as appropriate to the level of commitment we have attained. If you try and make a man earn your support he will soon be gone.

Please, Please, I beg. Don't let previous relationships sabotage future ones. You might miss a good thing. If you supported someone and they didn't reciprocate or you didn't receive respect don't withdraw support from the next dude because you expect him to act like the last one.

In as much as heart-to-hearts with GFs are great, sometimes they are counter-productive.

I agree with everything that you said. And I think my post was a little more serious than I intended. Supportive chick ain't goin anywhere. It's just that it's time that the Economic chick is coming out to play.

In other words - I want to be supportive and will continue to be supportive. But I don't want my support to be taken for granted.