Thinking before you speak...advice please.

[lana]

Just trying to understand... Since getting married, DH tells me repeatedly that I really need to work on thinking before I speak. Sooo yesterday I said "stop grabbing my leg like that, you did it while we were jogging too and it hurt" but what I really meant was "I'm about to start my cycle and my skin is tender" so that was my next sentence. Not to mention
DH is heavy handed. So of course he gets upset, "Fine then I won't touch you at all!" flips over - goes to sleep on the other side of the bed (we usually spoon). Then this morning when I said "I would really like us to get along" he's like "You create these situations by not thinking before you speak so what do you expect?" (sigh) (He's kinda rude when he's angry, but is that rude to you? or am I sensitive?)

So I just apologized (cause I guess it was rude?) and reiterated what I meant and said sorry again.

But I really walk away thinking "Why can't you just forgive and forget without it being a big issue every 5 minutes - was it really the end of the world?". "Was it enough to make me lose sleep over and stress me out all night?"

Do you get what I mean?

So now I just basically don't feel like talking around him cause I THOUGHT I did think before I speak, but now I guess I don't with him and it seems like a humungous effort to learn this skill. I would love your opinion....and also if I'm wrong, what makes HIM right? I guess me being rude accidentally or something?

 

[Keep1Belle]

I guess my quetion is what are toher things you say, that he wishes you would pause and think about first.

Could you be negating his physical advances towards you in a shrewd way?

I can only go off what you wrote and the example you gave was in relation to physical touch. My bf is very touchy feely, sometimes I dont want to be bothered or it makes me uncomfortable, hurts etc. I have to do a better job of not making him feel like I am rebuking him when I deny his advances.

We did the Love languages exercise I wrote down how I like to be loved with and how I feel I express love, and he did the same. No big surprise that physical touch is the main way he communicates, while that was #3 on my list.

The 5 love languages are
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gift Giving

Maybe you just need to find how he likes to be communicated with and he the same. When you want to open your mouth think what will get though ti him more.

Maybe twith the leg thing say, " I love that you want to touch and cuddle with me. My cycle is making me a little tender could you be a bit more sensitive?" And then give him a kiss or squeeze or csomething, so that he knows you are open to touch.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I need to learn this skill as well. Your situation with your DH sounds like what I go through a lot in my relationship...and I relate to how you are feeling like you just dont want to talk at all. It's annoying as heck.....I'm totally in your boaterplexed

I remember there being a 30 day positive challenge on here. I never really read into it, but maybe we can check it out. It was something about always being positive with your words, which is something that I know I have to work on. Lemme see if I can find it and bump it up

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

I hope I understood you correctly...... what saddened me about someone saying that to me was....I got the feeling I was walking on eggshells around them (my X) to afraid to say anything for fear it would taken out of context....I am a true Sag, tactless, never with the intent to hurt, but I say what I feel...tough situation to be in....someone recommended to me reading Dale Carnegie's How to make friends and influence people and 30 days to taming the tongue.....I bought both, havent read either......i continue to pray.....


I like me I am over 30 and I feel like I am who I am....

 

[fuchsiastar]

I hope I understood you correctly...... what saddened me about someone saying that to me was....I got the feeling I was walking on eggshells around them (my X) to afraid to say anything for fear it would taken out of context....I am a true Sag, tactless, never with the intent to hurt, but I say what I feel...tough situation to be in....someone recommended to me reading Dale Carnegie's How to make friends and influence people and 30 days to taming the tongue.....I bought both, havent read either......i continue to pray.....


I like me I am over 30 and I feel like I am who I am....

I couldn't get through that book reading it, but got the book on CD from the library and listened to it. It definitely helped me a lot I've never heard of the other one, I'm going to check it out.

 

[lana]

Ladies, thanks for your responses and at least I know I'm not alone in this.

Keep1Belle - I like the way you suggested how I could say things going forward. I guess I get cranky at 12:30p.m. at night and I was half sleep and just wanted him to stop squeezing my leg like that. I did not think it would turn into "I've rejected you and don't want you to touch me." I know that my husband communicates physically first (with me) and then with actions and the very last thing is words.

fuchsiastar - thanks for understanding - yup, I feel like I might as well keep my mouth shut, but after thinking about that - it won't solve anything so I'm going to have to learn to curb my tongue - even when I'm tired and just try to speak more gently and positively to him especially. He is my husband and I don't want to be "sweet as pie" all day at work (like I normally am) and then go home and raise the roof!

akimat001- talk about eggshells! I'm seriously feeling that statement! I have to figure this out, because we do love each other and this is the person I've chosen to get along with and live with - so I gotta figure this out. Posting about it here is my first step to doing so.

Nothing else comes to mind about what I've said in the past. I can't seem to remember much after we argue, (even without yelling or bad language) just verbally arguing back and forth. I would like to learn how to always watch what I say, but I don't know if that's humanly possible. I'm just going to have to try.

 

[MD_Lady]

Just trying to understand... Since getting married, DH tells me repeatedly that I really need to work on thinking before I speak. Sooo yesterday I said "stop grabbing my leg like that, you did it while we were jogging too and it hurt" but what I really meant was "I'm about to start my cycle and my skin is tender" so that was my next sentence. Not to mention

DH is heavy handed. So of course he gets upset, "Fine then I won't touch you at all!" flips over - goes to sleep on the other side of the bed (we usually spoon). Then this morning when I said "I would really like us to get along" he's like "You create these situations by not thinking before you speak so what do you expect?" (sigh) (He's kinda rude when he's angry, but is that rude to you? or am I sensitive?)

So I just apologized (cause I guess it was rude?) and reiterated what I meant and said sorry again.

But I really walk away thinking "Why can't you just forgive and forget without it being a big issue every 5 minutes - was it really the end of the world?". "Was it enough to make me lose sleep over and stress me out all night?"

Do you get what I mean?

So now I just basically don't feel like talking around him cause I THOUGHT I did think before I speak, but now I guess I don't with him and it seems like a humungous effort to learn this skill. I would love your opinion....and also if I'm wrong, what makes HIM right? I guess me being rude accidentally or something?

In your case, say what you want your husband to hear (i.e. what you want the take home message of your comment to be). You can do this by putting the why before the what. For instance, in the jogging scenario, you could have said “my skin’s a little tender, please don’t grab me like that”.

Of course, you’re words are only going to be received as well as your husband will allow them to be. Based on the above, it sounds like he is guilty of being on the curt side. Please understand that communicating effectively involves both of you being good speakers and listeners.

 

[lana]

Of course, you’re words are only going to be received as well as your husband will allow them to be. Based on the above, it sounds like he is guilty of being on the curt side. Please understand that communicating effectively involves both of you being good speakers and listeners.

MD_Lady - I agree with you totally. This is just going to have to be something we both work on. He is curt when he's "offended" but otherwise he's pretty low key. I wish he could work on not "snapping" back if I say something that he takes as offensive, since my intent is never to offend.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I agree with you totally. This is just going to have to be something we both work on. He is curt when he's "offended" but otherwise he's pretty low key. I wish he could work on not "snapping" back if I say something that he takes as offensive, since my intent is never to offend.

Your husband sure does sound like my fiancee. And you sure sound like me. We must have been born under the same moon or something

At any rate, the same type of silly argument happened to us the other day, and I think we had a bit of a breakthrough. It only happened after we both had some time and distance from the situation and both said that we really wish that we didn't argue over silly things. Then he said how he felt about the situation, and I did the same...I think we both learned more about each other....well I hope so anyway

I wish ya'll the best, and will be spying on this post for tips and tricks on how to keep my mouth (and future marriage) together.

 

[MD_Lady]

Of course, you’re words are only going to be received as well as your husband will allow them to be. Based on the above, it sounds like he is guilty of being on the curt side. Please understand that communicating effectively involves both of you being good speakers and listeners.

MD_Lady - I agree with you totally. This is just going to have to be something we both work on. He is curt when he's "offended" but otherwise he's pretty low key. I wish he could work on not "snapping" back if I say something that he takes as offensive, since my intent is never to offend.

You're sweet.

It's also important for people to take things in the spirit they were intended. I'm not saying that people should have a free pass to hide behind this, but if your intent is not to be offensive/hurtful, he really needs to bear that in mind before he responds. Best of luck!

By the way, have you told him your feelings about his response to you?

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

I need to work on this..

I just say what I feel and not think about my SO feelings..
But men are just as sensitive as we are..

I luv all the advice ladies..

 

[lana]

You're sweet.

It's also important for people to take things in the spirit they were intended. I'm not saying that people should have a free pass to hide behind this, but if your intent is not to be offensive/hurtful, he really needs to bear that in mind before he responds. Best of luck!

By the way, have you told him your feelings about his response to you?

Thank you for your comment MD_Lady. Yes I told him my feelings and he apologized for being curt with me. He said he felt really rejected and I can see how, since I think he was intending to squeeze more than just my leg, now that I think about it. So we were both wrong and need to work on how we speak to each other.

 

[MD_Lady]

Thank you for your comment MD_Lady. Yes I told him my feelings and he apologized for being curt with me. He said he felt really rejected and I can see how, since I think he was intending to squeeze more than just my leg, now that I think about it. So we were both wrong and need to work on how we speak to each other.

Cool! I'm glad you two are having a better day today.

 

[honeycomb719]

This topic is sooo on point with where Im at in my relationship. We both have communication problems and dont hear each correctly and its killing the relationship. Im at a lost as too what to do next

 

[lana]

Usually the advice we find in the bible really helps us know our roles as husband and wife. But um, sometimes I need it spelled out in layman's terms which is why I posted here. You love your SO and I'm sure that's why you posted a reply. I say keep working at it and like me, put some of the advice into practice and see if your relationship improves.

I just don't want to argue at home, I want peace and relaxation in my house. Shoot work and other things are hard enough. So I am gonna keep working at it...and praying about it. Sometimes I might fail, but you know what, my intent is to treat my Husband with respect and love.

 

[beautifulisaunderstatment]

If only more people would think before they spoke...

Im glad yall are doing better