These females gonna make me catch a case... VENT!

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

This is a pretty long read, so bear with me...ffrant:

Some of you may remember that I got engaged last month to my fiancee of a year and some change. Prior to me, he dated his ex-girlfriend for three years and they broke up around 2005 or so. She was younger than him, immature, and they just argued a lot. (I did my investigating.) While they were dating he had bought her a cell phone and had the plan under his name (he was paying it up until they broke up). While dating me, she still had this phone plan. I stressed to him that it was pertinent that he handle that so that the communication is cut once and for all.

When my SO's father passed away in September, a lot of his family and friends called to give condolences and she was one them. That was fine, after all she knew his dad and it was respectable. I figured after this, it would be the last time I'd be hearing from her.

Today while at work, my SO informs me that either sometime last night or this morning, his ex sent him a picture: it was the two of them when they were together and she wrote "Look what I found.. Do you remember?" He called her back and asked why she would send that to him; they were together for 3 years and that wasn't the first or last picture that they'd taken. Then she says "I didn't think it would be a problem, it's us when we were dating." He goes on to tell her that that was disrespectful and "What if Stephanie saw it before you explaining anything? Do you know how bad that would've become?"

This dumb &*%# says "Well, my boyfriend (YES LADIES AND SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!) doesn't have a problem with it, in fact I talk about you a lot to him and he's okay with it, I don't see why she should get mad." Umm... maybe because I'm a woman and I know psychologically what you were trying to do, you dip$@#%^! (God, forgive me for my cussin'.) So anyway, he informs her that our anniversary is coming up on Saturday and that he bought me an engagement ring and that he plans on proposing to me.

Back it up, because we're already engaged. I snapped and asked him why would he say that instead of just telling the truth to her, and he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Anyway, do you know what this broad did?

...She STARTED CRYING! Crying and asking why, and all this other BS. They get off the phone (I don't exactly know how, I'll interrogate that mess when he gets home). He calls me and informs me, and I'm sitting at my desk ready to and :hardslap:this girl out.

Now I give him kudos for telling me the truth, because he could've just deleted the picture and never told me anything, but the fact still remains that what happened is completely and utterly disrespectful and I will not tolerate that nonsense for nothin'. I cut my exes off because they only lead to drama and its almost a proven fact that once you stop dating, you CANNOT just be friends.

Now I've let this heifer slide with the few other instances because it was understandable, but this is going WAAAAY overboard.

Anyway, I needed to vent. I'll update once SO gets home from work.

 

[PaperClip]

But it would have been nothing if he had not called her about it. He could have deleted the photo and kept on steppin'.

Clearly she has no decorum, but your fiance is responsible for his own behavior.

IMHO, the majority of your anger is MISDIRECTED....

 

[trini_rican]

I think he's trust worthy because he told you. An explaination on his white lie is required though. Don't be mad - just ask. Maybe he wanted to see if she still loved him. Not that he wants her - it's obvious he loves you but you know it's a guy thing. To boost the ego (shrugs) I have a feeling that could be it though. Don't stress he's clearly yours.

 

[Keen]

But it would have been nothing if he had not called her about it. He could have deleted the photo and kept on steppin'.

Clearly she has no decorum, but your fiance is responsible for his own behavior.

IMHO, the majority of your anger is MISDIRECTED....

I think the boyfriend should be credited for being upfront. Yes SMC needs to tell her boyfriend that he needs to cut all ties with her permanently. He needs to handle the ex. But SMC needs to be careful not to scold him to much. He can't really control the ex' action, only what he does about it. you don't want him to start keeping things from you.

 

[tenjoy]

But it would have been nothing if he had not called her about it. He could have deleted the photo and kept on steppin'.

Clearly she has no decorum, but your fiance is responsible for his own behavior.

IMHO, the majority of your anger is MISDIRECTED....

interesting point . The Ex have no idea how serious you guys are......the white lie proves that.

2) He did good by telling you his part though............but you know how men like to tell their side real fast erplexed when they think it may be trouble for THEM.

3) Dont even get worked up....forget her. Otherwise if you take it too far he wont share any "heads up" info anymore. YOu need to stay in the loop. let this slide. keep a scrap book.

 

[gone_fishing]

I think he's trust worthy because he told you. An explaination on his white lie is required though. Don't be mad - just ask. Maybe he wanted to see if she still loved him. Not that he wants her - it's obvious he loves you but you know it's a guy thing. To boost the ego (shrugs) I have a feeling that could be it though. Don't stress he's clearly yours.

I disagree with this respectfully of course. A lot of men will tell you "just enough" so that if you find out something, they are in the clear. Most men seldom tell the whole truth and the fact that he told her he was gonig to propose when they were already engaged is not a little white lie. Bump protecting her feelings. What about the feelings of the woman he is about to marry. If he's comfortable manipulating those statements to that lady, then I'd be wondering what other stuff he'd do to prevent hurting her feelings.

I'm NOT trying to make you doubt his fidelity at all, so please don't take it that way. I'm just saying THIS type of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud poste haste because if you don't make it clear to him you are not tolerating his casting you to the side (figuratively) to protect some feelings, he may do it again.

I tend to wonder if HER side of the story would be the same.

He may not care anything about her, but he may have instigated more than he told you. If you know him well enough to know he just wouldn't do that, then please disregard my post because of course you know him better than I.

He needs to cut her off COMPLETELY. END OF STORY!

 

[PaperClip]

I think the boyfriend should be credited for being upfront. Yes SMC needs to tell her boyfriend that he needs to cut all ties with her permanently. He needs to handle the ex. But SMC needs to be careful not to scold him to much. He can't really control the ex' action, only what he does about it. you don't want him to start keeping things from you.

Sure, being upfront is noble; but there would be nothing to be upfront about if 1) he didn't call her back; 2) changed his number (esp. if she's been in contact beyond what's reasonable for them).

I'm saying all this "stressin' was done and it doesn't seem that what was "stressed" hasn't changed. Communication lines have not been cut and it's been 3 months since September....

But the majority of the anger is toward this "immature, argumentative girl" (OP's words). Right...that's a fair fight

And I believe one does not get "credit" for being upfront. That's part of the REASONABLE service for COMMUNICATING and BEING in a RELATIONSHIP.

And you scold a child, not a (supposed to be) grown man.

 

[Sugar Brown]

Sure, being upfront is noble; but there would be nothing to be upfront about if 1) he didn't call her back; 2) changed his number (esp. if she's been in contact beyond what's reasonable for them).

I'm saying all this "stressin' was done and it doesn't seem that what was "stressed" hasn't changed. Communication lines have not been cut and it's been 3 months since September....

But the majority of the anger is toward this "immature, argumentative girl" (OP's words). Right...that's a fair fight

And I believe one does not get "credit" for being upfront. That's part of the REASONABLE service for COMMUNICATING and BEING in a RELATIONSHIP.

'fraid ITA with this post. and how lovely of fiance to spare ex's feelings by lying about the engagement...where was his committment to OP then? IMHO his behavior is unacceptable and only paved the way for more inappropriate behavior from ex girl. i mean, please do not feed the trolls.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Before I update, let me clarify: the father passed away in September thats when she got in contact with him. Then they spoke again in November when she wanted to change the billing name and he had to call the phone company, etc. This is the third time she's contacted him.

We spoke about a lot of things, most of which I'll explain later but once I explained the situation from my perspective, he understood why that lie whether it be to spare her feelings or not, was wrong. Do I trust him? Yes I very much do, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't think him just deleting it and going about his business as if nothing happened would've been the smartest idea because to me, that signals to her that its okay to keep doing that and thats just what she would do. A harmful truth is better than a useful lie, my mother always used to say.

I've had some time to calm down, however he also believes that she has taken this, whatever it may be, too far.

 

[madamdot]

Sure, being upfront is noble; but there would be nothing to be upfront about if 1) he didn't call her back; 2) changed his number (esp. if she's been in contact beyond what's reasonable for them).

I'm saying all this "stressin' was done and it doesn't seem that what was "stressed" hasn't changed. Communication lines have not been cut and it's been 3 months since September....

But the majority of the anger is toward this "immature, argumentative girl" (OP's words). Right...that's a fair fight

And I believe one does not get "credit" for being upfront. That's part of the REASONABLE service for COMMUNICATING and BEING in a RELATIONSHIP.

And you scold a child, not a (supposed to be) grown man.

ITA, if he was going to be up from it should have been that she sent the picture and he deleted it. BUT, even the best of men who are completely trustworthy, do silly things so I also think this is an opportunity to clear certain things up with him about how you expect him to act as your husband as well as how you need to act as his wife. You may be surprised at the answers (not necessarily in a bad way).

 

[PaperClip]

Before I update, let me clarify: the father passed away in September thats when she got in contact with him. Then they spoke again in November when she wanted to change the billing name and he had to call the phone company, etc. This is the third time she's contacted him.

We spoke about a lot of things, most of which I'll explain later but once I explained the situation from my perspective, he understood why that lie whether it be to spare her feelings or not, was wrong. Do I trust him? Yes I very much do, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't think him just deleting it and going about his business as if nothing happened would've been the smartest idea because to me, that signals to her that its okay to keep doing that and thats just what she would do. A harmful truth is better than a useful lie, my mother always used to say.

I've had some time to calm down, however he also believes that she has taken this, whatever it may be, too far.

Actually, what that action does (esp. when done CONSISTENTLY OVER TIME) says this to the ex-girlfriend: "Hmmm, he's really moved on. He doesn't want to be bothered with me anymore) and it would stop. According to you, this is (only) the third contact made.

And if contact has been made three times, prompted to take care of business (like changing the billing information and calling to send condolences), it doesn't sound like she's a stalker and y'all deserve compensation for harrassment. So to go from business information to an old photo? Hmmmm....

What I suspect is that dude has been ENTERTAING contacts beyond what you have been told....

Disclaimer: I don't know you or your man or your life or your situation beyond what you've shared here. You say you trust your man? Hey, cool beans. The more you share here, the more it sounds like the problem isn't (only) with the girl....that's all I'm saying.

 

[PaperClip]

ITA, if he was going to be up from it should have been that she sent the picture and he deleted it. BUT, even the best of men who are completely trustworthy, do silly things so I also think this is an opportunity to clear certain things up with him about how you expect him to act as your husband as well as how you need to act as his wife. You may be surprised at the answers (not necessarily in a bad way).

Well said, esp, the bolded. You said it with much more tact than I have tonight.

 

[trini_rican]

I disagree with this respectfully of course. A lot of men will tell you "just enough" so that if you find out something, they are in the clear. Most men seldom tell the whole truth and the fact that he told her he was gonig to propose when they were already engaged is not a little white lie. Bump protecting her feelings. What about the feelings of the woman he is about to marry. If he's comfortable manipulating those statements to that lady, then I'd be wondering what other stuff he'd do to prevent hurting her feelings.

I'm NOT trying to make you doubt his fidelity at all, so please don't take it that way. I'm just saying THIS type of behavior needs to be nipped in the bud poste haste because if you don't make it clear to him you are not tolerating his casting you to the side (figuratively) to protect some feelings, he may do it again.

I tend to wonder if HER side of the story would be the same.

He may not care anything about her, but he may have instigated more than he told you. If you know him well enough to know he just wouldn't do that, then please disregard my post because of course you know him better than I.

He needs to cut her off COMPLETELY. END OF STORY!

Really - to the bolded above - I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I never considered it from this prospective.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Before I update, let me clarify: the father passed away in September thats when she got in contact with him. Then they spoke again in November when she wanted to change the billing name and he had to call the phone company, etc. This is the third time she's contacted him.

We spoke about a lot of things, most of which I'll explain later but once I explained the situation from my perspective, he understood why that lie whether it be to spare her feelings or not, was wrong. Do I trust him? Yes I very much do, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't think him just deleting it and going about his business as if nothing happened would've been the smartest idea because to me, that signals to her that its okay to keep doing that and thats just what she would do. A harmful truth is better than a useful lie, my mother always used to say.

I've had some time to calm down, however he also believes that she has taken this, whatever it may be, too far.

Maybe im slow but....

I don't get why you are so mad at the ex? She is the enemy,lol. Her job is to piss you off.I kid.I kid.Nah but seriously,I just don't see a vindictive ex. I see a woman who had a past with a man and probably still has love for him.As long as fifi ( my pet name for fiance) set her straight,then I don't see the big issue.

Also, with the white lie he told? He does have history with the ex and he probably really didn't want to hurt her. I don't see where some of the posters are coming from with the viewpoint that he maybe not be being 100 with you.

 

[PaperClip]

Maybe im slow but....

I don't get why you are so mad at the ex? She is the enemy,lol. Her job is to piss you off.I kid.I kid.Nah but seriously,I just don't see a vindictive ex. I see a woman who had a past with a man and probably still has love for him.As long as fifi ( my pet name for fiance) set her straight,then I don't see the big issue.

Also, with the white lie he told? He does have history with the ex and he probably really didn't want to hurt her. I don't see where some of the posters are coming from with the viewpoint that he maybe not be being 100 with you.

I'll offer up a couple of points:

1) Absolutely NO REASON to lie. Or misrepresent the truth, which was HE'S ALREADY ENGAGED!

2) The only feelings he should be concerned about protecting is his FUTURE WIFE'S! If she's worth having a ring on her finger, nobody else's feelings should matter.

3) Are these actions a sign of a forthcoming pattern of misrepresentation? It might be helpful to evaluate previous encounters and situations where things were presented one way but was actually something else.... Not in a paranoid way, but with a sober-minded approach.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

While I do feel Rehab as though your approach is a little bold, I understand your viewpoint. I've been through a lot of relationships and ups and downs and for the most part I like to consider myself someone with a realistic view. To think back to any previous situations where he's lied comes to zero, because he never has. He tells me WAY more than I sometimes wish to know.

Have we both made mistakes in this relationship? Yes, that's to be expected. And despite my OP, I AM upset with him as well for telling her that; all he can tell me is the truth, whether it be the truth or not is a different story. Do I believe what he says? Well, I could either condemn him for being wrong, set him straight, and move on, OR I could assume he's lying, break things off because of this, OR stay and keep tabs on him 24/7/365. I choose to do the first of the three.

All of this was thoroughly explained tonight: If this is going to be more than what it already is, I have no interest in being a third-party. A ring is on my finger but it's just a ring, the sentiment is what's more important and I refuse to condone lies or hiding things.

I consider what he told her to be a lie, but I also consider him not telling me about it to be hiding something; although I DO understand that you're saying, "Well, if it didn't matter to him, he should've just deleted it." But I see it as "Well, he needs to set her straight and cut all communication." You say its black, I say its white.

I'm not going to harp on the situation much more past him cutting all ties and us moving on without me having to look over my shoulder or watch him. And you're right, a person only knows what someone tells them, which is the same I suppose in this instance. I could sit here and say "But we live together, we spend all of our time together, she's in another state!" but that wouldn't really be of any significance. That either appears to be: me defending something subconscious, or me trying to justify. There's no justification for mistakes, all there is is resolution.

At the end of it all, I guess I could go and check through his phone bills. Or I could call her and have a conversation with her, but I refuse to do either one because for me to do that will only start a cycle of unhealthy things.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me, eh?

 

[Keen]

SMC, I do see where rehab is coming from but I agree with your stand. He was wrong for not telling the girl straight up but it doesn't sound like he meant anything by by it.

 

[SouthernJewel]

I'll offer up a couple of points:

1) Absolutely NO REASON to lie. Or misrepresent the truth, which was HE'S ALREADY ENGAGED!

2) The only feelings he should be concerned about protecting is his FUTURE WIFE'S! If she's worth having a ring on her finger, nobody else's feelings should matter.

3) Are these actions a sign of a forthcoming pattern of misrepresentation? It might be helpful to evaluate previous encounters and situations where things were presented one way but was actually something else.... Not in a paranoid way, but with a sober-minded approach.

The beauty of this board is that you get differing opinions from different perspectives.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

SMC, I do see where rehab is coming from but I agree with your stand. He was wrong for not telling the girl straight up but it doesn't sound like he meant anything by by it.

As do I. And you're right also SJ, that IS the beauty of this board, and truth be told I appreciate all of the advice I've received in this thread because it's truthful and coming from the heart and I can def appreciate that.

She's just as wrong for what she did as is he for choosing to lie by modification. It wasn't until I did a role reversal that he really understood how what he did was wrong and disrespectful to US and our engagement. He's a very nice person, but as Rehab stated earlier, unless its his momma, my feelings have to be top priority, and with these or any situation for that matter, understanding the consequences of actions or how it might be conveyed or make ME feel as a woman, a person, and his future wife, HAS to be a top priority.

 

[winterinatl]

Maybe im slow but....

I don't get why you are so mad at the ex? She is the enemy,lol. Her job is to piss you off.I kid.I kid.Nah but seriously,I just don't see a vindictive ex. I see a woman who had a past with a man and probably still has love for him.As long as fifi ( my pet name for fiance) set her straight,then I don't see the big issue.

Also, with the white lie he told? He does have history with the ex and he probably really didn't want to hurt her. I don't see where some of the posters are coming from with the viewpoint that he maybe not be being 100 with you.

If it were my man, I'd want to know that he was strong enough to deal with her hurt feelings and tell her we were already engaged. I don't see how that would hurt MORE than telling her he was about to do it...I would take that to mean he has feelings for her, and that would give me cause to pause a bit. You can't even tell her we are engaged? That is a problem. It's like he cares more about her reaction and feelings than mine.

 

[firecracker]

Uh I am wondering why he told you all the background theatrics