The joys of Facebook…

[bongolady]

My friend just called me and asked me how I was feeling. I asked her about what. She starts asking if I had checked facebook today and I said no and she says that my ex-husband’s status changed to ‘engaged’ and if I knew when he got engaged. I had no idea (I had removed him as a friend about 2 months ago). I had seen him out with his girlfriend and friends this Friday night and I guess from the mass assembly he probably had proposed to her then.

The thing is, is that I feel like a part of me has just crumbled into nothingness. I felt very hurt that he didn’t mention anything to me. He came to my house Sunday night to drop off our daughter. We have been divorced for 2 years now (married for 3 years) and I knew we were never going to be together again but I have this feeling of intense loss that I didn’t even experience when I was going through my divorce. Besides the hurt that has surfaced, I feel the anger I have towards him resurface too. I thought I was in a good place …… putting my life back together but it seems I haven’t been doing it too well if I’m reacting like this.

For those of you who have gone through a divorce and have had your partner remarry ….how did you cope? I’m really depressed about how I am reacting.

 

[Bachelorette]

you sure that person's a friend?

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I have no advice but I am sorry that you are so hurt over this.
<<<<<HUGS>>>>>

 

[BrickbyBrick]

I'm sorry, bongolady. I don't think you are overreacting at all. If anything, I'd say this is a natural reaction. You were married to him. I feel bad that you found out this way.

I wish you the best.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I don't have any experience with divorce, or marriage, but it seems a bit odd and disrespectful that he didn't mention this the last time you saw him. I'm not saying that because you are his ex but because you have a child together and this a new person that will be significant in your daughter's life. That needs to be discussed.

If you had no kids then I would say that this is about right. After the divorce, I wouldn't expect the person to share this info if we didn't maintain a friendship. He probably thought you saw the status change on facebook, not realizing that you defriended him a couple of months ago. That's obviously not the best way to handle it but sometimes people do what's easiest, not what's right.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

you sure that person's a friend?

It doesn't sound like the friend meant any harm. I would hope someone would check on me if they thought I was down.

 

[bongolady]

you sure that person's a friend?

I hope so. I've known her most of my life and she has always been a good friend to me. I think she assumed he had told me before he posted that information on Facebook.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Sorry to hear about thiserplexed...the fact that you two were married at one point he should of given you a heads up at least about the engagement. It doesn't seem your friend was trying to hurt you just making sure you were ok. I know you will be and that it just may take time. I say stay prayered up and keep your head up as I believe you are way above the little antic he pulled.

Times like this just makes you that much stronger for you and your daughter.

 

[bongolady]

I don't have any experience with divorce, or marriage, but it seems a bit odd and disrespectful that he didn't mention this the last time you saw him. I'm not saying that because you are his ex but because you have a child together and this a new person that will be significant in your daughter's life. That needs to be discussed.

If you had no kids then I would say that this is about right. After the divorce, I wouldn't expect the person to share this info if we didn't maintain a friendship. He probably thought you saw the status change on facebook, not realizing that you defriended him a couple of months ago. That's obviously not the best way to handle it but sometimes people do what's easiest, not what's right.

I just don't want my anger to get the best of me esp as it's our daughter's Pre-school graduation tomorrow and I'll have to stand all the smart remarks he has a habit of making towards me. I usually ignore him but with this news going round my head I don't know what state of mind I'll be in when I see him. I'm praying really hard for God to give me peace about this situation.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I just don't want my anger to get the best of me esp as it's our daughter's Pre-school graduation tomorrow and I'll have to stand all the smart remarks he has a habit of making towards me. I usually ignore him but with this news going round my head I don't know what state of mind I'll be in when I see him. I'm praying really hard for God to give me peace about this situation.

Tomorrow you have a chance to show your daughter an example of how to be a great woman that you are raising. Unfortunately he made a poor decision on his part but its not yours or her fault to bear. He looks like the butt of the situation. I say take your anger and apply it to another energy like the love that you have for your little gurl. And I know this is a so much easier said than done type of situations but I believe you have the strength and if he has a smart remark, just smirk/smile wish him congratulations and KIM.

 

[bongolady]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm a lot stronger.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Sorry about how you feeling chica... Hold your head...

 

[Lucie]

Maybe he did not know how to tell you. I know it is hard, I would be devastated but your feelings will get better in time. I remember (I know not as intense as you) breaking up with someone and seeing his new girlfriend. Them hanging out. It was hard. But, now when I see this guy I am like, "THANK YOU GOD!" As with most relationship issues, it is hard initially but in time, watch how this will turn into a non-issue. In the meantime lean on your loved ones, continue to do nice things for yourself and let out whatever it is you need to let out. ((( HUGS )))

 

[Bachelorette]

It doesn't sound like the friend meant any harm. I would hope someone would check on me if they thought I was down.

Knowing that she's removed him from her facebook connection yet still giving her updates on her ex's doing isnt exactly what a friend does. I wouldnt appreciate it but that's me I guess

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Bongolady.....

Hold your head up and make sure, above all else be the woman that you are. Make sure you look good, fresh face, da whole nine.

Don't even mention it to him. NOT AT ALL. Let him be the one to tell you. Try to show no emotion while you're around him. Be nice and cordial as you have always been. If he mentions it to you, then say congratulations and I'm happy for you, with a smile of course. I know it will hurt, but him telling you will be his way of watching your reaction. Don't give him what he wants. Smile, congratulate, and keep it moving. No need to engage in further conversation.

NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Bongo,

Sorry about this! I know it must hurt your heart a little bit to hear this news. It doesn't matter if you two were married for 1 year, or even just dating for 6 months. It's ALWAYS hard to hear that someone that you used to be romantically involved with has moved on romantically and is now engaged. I don't care who it is...it still hurts a little bit, even if it's just an ego-bruiser.

But dust yourself off. Your friend was just trying to see how you were doing, so I don't think she meant any harm in it.

I know that anger can be a very scary and powerful emotion for some people, but you know what?? I actually say INDULGE in the anger that you feel right now! BUT... you have to allow yourself to feel it and take it out in constructive ways. Do you have a gym membership?? Sometimes exercising the anger out or hitting and kicking a punching bag/dummy can do wonders. Don't take your anger out on anybody, but do allow yourself to feel the hurt, pain, anger and sadness. This is one of the normal stages of grief.

Just ALLOW yourself to feel angry. You have a right to be. A lot of people try to run away from feelings of anger because it's scary, and women especially feel like it's okay to be "sad", but not "angry". I even grew up in a household where I was looked down upon if I felt "angry"...so I always kept a lot of my anger inside. But please, don't do this. Scream in a pillow, hit a punching bag, go for a jog, do SOMETHING active to let that frustration or anger out. You may even drop a few pounds or show of a new toned shape!

I had to do this when I was trying to get over a guy who did me wrong, and oddly enough...(although I felt kind of silly at first), hitting that punching bag and getting that anger out really made me feel BETTER! I felt stronger and more vibrant! I thought it was going to make me feel even more angry or silly. But I felt sooo relieved.

And when I got that anger out, I could face him without feeling so emotional, upset, and angry at him. I had already let it out, so I wasn't harboring that anger, or sadness in my heart when I saw him. Then, of course after letting the anger go, then you can get more happiness in your life. Rent some funny movies, hang out with friends, be goofy/silly, or whatever. A huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders eventually.

I agree with JerseyGirl... Don't let him see you sweat. Don't wallow in self-pity either. Just pick yourself up, continue to look fly, lift up your self-esteem, and realize that this too shall pass. It will get easier as time goes by.

 

[bongolady]

I just told my best friend about it and her reply was:

$h!t!!!! Who is the unlucky woman!

That put a smile on my face and made me laugh too!

 

[Ms_Delikate]

I am sorry about how you feel...I too am a divorced mother of a daughter....her dad had another baby about six months and did not tell me about it. My (7 y/o) told me about.... When I found out about it I was just happy that she was getting a sibling (because I knew she wanted one and I just aint doing THAT again)

Anyway if you know his fiance, try to focus on the positives of the situation. If she treats your daughter well then be greatful that your daughter will have a steady person in her life that treats her well instead of a different "stepmom" every other month.

When my ex-husband broke up with his girlfriend that treated my daughter sooo well (and I think its because of this new baby that he had with someone else) I was sooo mad.......but that is a story for a different thread

Just try to focus on the positives if you can...and BIG HUGS to you!!