Mis007
New Member
I agree, often times all we really want is to be loved, which can be fulfilled through an initmate relationship with God.
The gift of singlehood?
- Thread starter Kinkyhairlady
- Start date
I agree, often times all we really want is to be loved, which can be fulfilled through an initmate relationship with God.
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
If we all got what we desired there would be so much calmaity in this world.I say I that marriage is something that would be great but there is a burden with every blessing or upkeep is a better word.
Marriage is a ministry that if not properly cared for will end to demise like so many christians.I also say this very lightly that as a christian we are held to a higher standard and also things are put into a higher light than anyone else.My point to this is make sure when you enter that thang called marriage your ready.No one will ever be perfect,however there are so many couples who are not ready at all but want what the flesh wanted at night so they married but so unhappy.I want to start a marriage with a praying man who is on the same path..grow in your walk ladies bc when you get a snotty nose kid to care for as cute as they are you will not have the time to develop the way you can as a single.
Marriage is a ministry that if not properly cared for will end to demise like so many christians.I also say this very lightly that as a christian we are held to a higher standard and also things are put into a higher light than anyone else.My point to this is make sure when you enter that thang called marriage your ready.No one will ever be perfect,however there are so many couples who are not ready at all but want what the flesh wanted at night so they married but so unhappy.I want to start a marriage with a praying man who is on the same path..grow in your walk ladies bc when you get a snotty nose kid to care for as cute as they are you will not have the time to develop the way you can as a single.
SuchMagnificent
Taking a Break from Posting
This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate.. The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy." So if Ive done that, then what? Now whats the next piece of advice you plan on giving me? I think its only natural to yearn for a companion and women who are looking for one, shouldnt have their wants sweeped under the rug or dismissed.
Ladybelle
New Member
Kinkyhairlady -
I just wanted to give you an e-hug b/c I understand how you feel. And your feelings are valid.
I was single for awhile but currently dating someone that would hopefully lead to marriage.
You are right that it's not good for male or female to be alone. And quite frankly I'm tired of the church glorifying singleness... They spend so much time talking about being single opposed to cultivating and developing healthy relationships. And we wonder why so many Christian women are still single....
I agree with this to an extent, but on the other-hand, I think sometimes some women spend sooooooooooo much time & effort worried about getting married that they do not focus on anything else. All of their mental power and thought processes are geared towards being somebody's wife.
It reminds me of a teenage girl who wants a baby, she just wants a baby so bad that she does not take the time to figure out exactly what motherhood entails. All she sees is cute clothes and all she smells is baby lotion. It doesn't once cross her mind how difficult motherhood will be.
I think this is the reason some marriages end of divorce- some folks are so stuck on getting married, that they have no clue what it takes to stay married and no idea on what it means to be a wife. They just want the ring and the wedding. It's more than that, much more.
What churches are trying to do in some instances, is equip people for living the single life peacefully & joyfully instead of always being worried about a wedding date, that's just not a productive way to live.
We talked about this in another thread- but when you look at the relationship of Boaz & Ruth, they were both spiritually ready for marriage amongst other things. I think if some women spend more time becoming spiritually ready - meekness, humbleness, loving heart, PATIENCE,and other Godly virtues, their husbands might find them much sooner.
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Guitarhero
New Member
It's normal and don't feel badly about it. Marriage is so important in G-d's plan that most societies will arrange a good marriage for their sons and daughters. It's just that important a thing to desire. You are not unique in that respect. Don't lose hope and become despaired but don't kick yourself because you get sad about it at times. The worst thing christians often to do themselves is not allow for themselves to actually be human. You cannot be a demi-god...you are only a child of G-d. That means flesh and blood. Be honest about it to G-d, your feelings etc. Be totally open to Him about how you're feeling. He understands.
PinkPebbles
Well-Known Member
Ladybelle - I hear you
.The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s.
These women have been preparing for marriage since their early twenties. They love the Lord and serve in several ministries. They are content with the Lord, but deep down there is a longing for companionship, love, a touch, hug, a family. Yet, they hear and preach the same message about having peace and joy in their singlehood. And one day they will meet their Boaz if they keep serving....
Every Christian I know that follows this theory is still single. I no longer wanted to be single so I decided to do something different and met a nice Christian man. My single church friend that is 46 yrs old said if she could do it all over again she would do things differently.
Guitarhero
New Member
I hope this is not taken in the wrong way, but marriage and children are the place where men and women demonstrate their deepest love and sacrifice for G-d. It is through the sacrifice of the family, the microcosm of heaven. Does that mean singles are less spiritual by default, not needing to overcome and work through difficulties in demonstrating love? Not really, it just means they do not have that responsibility so, yes, by default, their lives are much easier.
There's just a tad of anti-marriage in this thread and I think the focus is a bit off. We can pull from many married women in this CF who are highly dedicated to G-d...via their families. The way might differ but please don't think thta singlehood makes you closer to G-d. It doesn't. The heart is the vehicle, just that. Maybe the question should be, "am I ready to sacrifice it all to G-d through marriage" because it is the most difficult yet gives the opportunity to share the most of G-d's love?? If not, then one should develop themselves to the highest in singlehood.
There's just a tad of anti-marriage in this thread and I think the focus is a bit off. We can pull from many married women in this CF who are highly dedicated to G-d...via their families. The way might differ but please don't think thta singlehood makes you closer to G-d. It doesn't. The heart is the vehicle, just that. Maybe the question should be, "am I ready to sacrifice it all to G-d through marriage" because it is the most difficult yet gives the opportunity to share the most of G-d's love?? If not, then one should develop themselves to the highest in singlehood.
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Guitarhero
New Member
Real talk, indeed, ladies! See, I've been married before. I'm in the healing phase right now and just now ready to date again. I'll tell you one thing, I have enjoyed this time to myself to heal, with no male overhead. It wasn't a Boaz I was married to.
But a dear lady tried to give me some advice...she's in her late 60's, had her last child in her late 40's. Our church doesn't condone birth control. Now, all her kids are fabulous and doing so much for the L-rd. They're a convert family so I have a lot in common with her. They own their own business and have a nice life. But I just mentioned in passing once my desire to remarry. Do you know, without "thinking," she went on about how easy it is to be single because men, no matter how good, can get on your nerves, xyz. She's got the senior citizen "I'm tired of my husband right now" attitude. If I get there, I'll get there...but to tell a younger woman that is just horrendous, in my mind. She's already got companionship. She's raised her kids successfully to adulthood. She's got the house set, the business set...and to poo-poo marriage cuz she needs space? Sigh.... You know, at the end of the day, even if you are tired of your lack of space for 2/3rds of the day, there is 1/3 of the day you are satisfied in having that loving individual by your side. 
I think they project their desires on the single. It's no different than those pushing singles who have no desire to marry or at least, yet, to do so.
LucieLoo12
Well-Known Member
I dont believe its wrong or a sin to desire marriage but you have to be careful on how much importance you put in it. If you are just consumed with it and it takes away your joy, it can become bondage
I am 25 and ive been single for 4 years now and Im content. Yes, I desire to be married and thoughts arises but God is keeping me. Im so focused on seeking God and serving in ministry that being married isnt something that I'm consumed with. We have to first make God our husband before we can make a natural man one. When you are seeking God WHOLEHEARTLY, he consumes your thoughts and your mind. You dont have time to be depressed all day about not being married. I know that God will send me a husband, but as I wait, i will learn God, I will let God change me. I will labor for His kingdom, and when I least expect it, my "Boaz" will appear...the bible says when a "man finds a good wife...". That lets me know I dont have to look, just seek God and wait....Patiently waiting.
I am 25 and ive been single for 4 years now and Im content. Yes, I desire to be married and thoughts arises but God is keeping me. Im so focused on seeking God and serving in ministry that being married isnt something that I'm consumed with. We have to first make God our husband before we can make a natural man one. When you are seeking God WHOLEHEARTLY, he consumes your thoughts and your mind. You dont have time to be depressed all day about not being married. I know that God will send me a husband, but as I wait, i will learn God, I will let God change me. I will labor for His kingdom, and when I least expect it, my "Boaz" will appear...the bible says when a "man finds a good wife...". That lets me know I dont have to look, just seek God and wait....Patiently waiting.
Please don't fall into this trap, the enemy loves to see us discouraged and unmotivated - idle time and isolation lead to depression and desperate actions.. get out there and socialize, discover what your natural and spiritual gifts, talents, and purposes are
Married or single, all Christians have spiritual gifts we are called to, even if you aren't using them. There's a part of us that goes unfulfilled until we are using it for God's glory to bless others, a man can't fill that space. For example some people love to sing, others are writers, artists, entrepreneurs, givers.. countless gifts and ideas God has uniquely put inside us to further the kingdom and they lay dormant when we focus so much on worldly cares and feeling lack.
I would encourage you to also seek the Lord about your giftings.. you also have to interact with people so those gifts can be stirred and brought to the surface. I've been convicted about not cultivating and using my spiritual gifts enough...so much more important than career aspirations I have agonized over. We all will have to answer to God (I believe) for how we used our talents and spiritual gifts. In the kingdom we are most fulfilled when we give ourselves away for His glory.. makes no sense from a human standpoint but I'm finding this to be true. You have something inside you that other people need, Plus when you leave your comfort zone and explore the world in a godly way you never know who you'll meet
..
Love Always
Well-Known Member
PinkPebbles, totally agree with everything that you said. I've heard this message over and over again and to be completely honest that message doesn't work and hasn't worked. I know a few women like the one's you described and I feel for them. Their feelings are valid, my feelings are valid and sometimes I think that other Christians like to dismiss a lot of us Single Christian women's feelings. Especially when they tell us to occupy our time with serving the Lord and being content in our singlesness, a lot of us are already doing this.
I appreciate your honesty in your post and I believe that a lot of us single Christian women need to be hearing this because it's real. I wish Bunny77 was here to give her input as well.
I appreciate your honesty in your post and I believe that a lot of us single Christian women need to be hearing this because it's real. I wish Bunny77 was here to give her input as well.
Ladybelle - I hear you
The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s.
These women have been preparing for marriage since their early twenties. They love the Lord and serve in several ministries. They are content with the Lord, but deep down there is a longing for companionship, love, a touch, hug, a family. Yet, they hear and preach the same message about having peace and joy in their singlehood. And one day they will meet their Boaz if they keep serving....
Every Christian I know that follows this theory is still single. I no longer wanted to be single so I decided to do something different and met a nice Christian man. My single church friend that is 46 yrs old said if she could do it all over again she would do things differently.
Mis007
New Member
Real talk, indeed, ladies! See, I've been married before. I'm in the healing phase right now and just now ready to date again. I'll tell you one thing, I have enjoyed this time to myself to heal, with no male overhead. It wasn't a Boaz I was married to.
I highly doubt that she would want to be single, it does get on my last nerves when married women say things like that, knowing full they would not like to change places with a singleton.
I agree with the bolded.. I also think there's practical things about dating/marriage that aren't being addressed... like actually meeting Christian men
. Most young Christian women meet their husbands in environments where they are actually in contact with single Christian guys. I just find it kind of strange to talk about dating/marriage like it's purely a spiritual matter.. at some point there has to be some socializing going. Most people don't meet their spouses at the grocery store but in environments where they share friends and/or interests. Just an aside: Everyone's time whether married or single should be filled with serving the Lord. I don't believe serving God is just about being in church 24/7 though church is definitely important...
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Love Always
Well-Known Member
Raspberry:
1st bolded: This is so true, they talk about marriage but they don't tell us the steps to getting married which includes meeting Christian men. I doubt that I will meet my future husband in the four walls of the church and never suscribed to that thinking either. I wish there was an abudance of Christian men in my city especially black men but there's not
.
2nd bolded: When they say this I think that's what they're talking about.
1st bolded: This is so true, they talk about marriage but they don't tell us the steps to getting married which includes meeting Christian men. I doubt that I will meet my future husband in the four walls of the church and never suscribed to that thinking either. I wish there was an abudance of Christian men in my city especially black men but there's not
. 2nd bolded: When they say this I think that's what they're talking about
. I agree with the bolded.. I also think there's practical things about dating/marriage that aren't being addressed... like actually meeting Christian men
Just an aside: Everyone's time whether married or single should be filled with serving the Lord. I don't believe serving God is just about being in church 24/7 though church is definitely important...
Ladybelle
New Member
Ladybelle - I hear you
The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s.
These women have been preparing for marriage since their early twenties. They love the Lord and serve in several ministries. They are content with the Lord, but deep down there is a longing for companionship, love, a touch, hug, a family. Yet, they hear and preach the same message about having peace and joy in their singlehood. And one day they will meet their Boaz if they keep serving....
Every Christian I know that follows this theory is still single. I no longer wanted to be single so I decided to do something different and met a nice Christian man. My single church friend that is 46 yrs old said if she could do it all over again she would do things differently.
So, you gonna tell us what you did?
Help the single ladies out, lol!
PinkPebbles
Well-Known Member
I believe that we best do the work of the Lord when we do what we know is right according to His Word and are open to being led of the Spirit at all times, and obeying what we know He's leading us to do.@Raspberry:
1st bolded: This is so true, they talk about marriage but they don't tell us the steps to getting married which includes meeting Christian men. I doubt that I will meet my future husband in the four walls of the church and never suscribed to that thinking either. I wish there was an abudance of Christian men in my city especially black men but there's not
2nd bolded: When they say this I think that's what they're talking about
An interesting thing about the Ruth & Boaz story is that Boaz took notice of Ruth while she was trying to earn a living in the fields (and looking cute while doing so lol), but she wouldn't have met Boaz at all if she hadn't insisted on moving to help Naomi at a vulnerable time in her life. Naomi was also instrumental in Ruth getting together with Boaz. To me Ruth is a great example of selflessness in serving others and the supernatural multiplication of blessing that God puts in place if we're in the right place at the right time. All types of blessings can happen when we make sacrifices and serve others according to the leadings of the Spirit. You never know what can happen inside or outside of church..it's all about people. I've been blessed with jobs, provision, awesome friendships, etc because of divine appointments with people and the times I've actually obeyed the Spirit instead of ignoring or being lazy (lol).
Love Always
Well-Known Member
PinkPebbles, can I have a PM too ?
?
AnjelLuvs
Well-Known Member
ME TOOO PinkPebbles...
Prudent1
Well-Known Member
Share, there's no stone throwing here. You may be able to help someone.So, you gonna tell us what you did?
Help the single ladies out, lol!
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
Marriage is not a martyr's reward. I think that Christian women fall prey to the temptation to think that there's a connection between their Christian service and God one day rewarding them with a mate. So if I'm in church enough, pray enough, and perfect myself enough, God will give me a husband. But no, if the.Lord answers the prayer it is not because we earned it through spiritual activity.
There's a practical component, but more than that is the question of what kind of relationship you're looking for. Truly godly men don't fall out of the sky everyday. What is necessary to be settled before God is your devotion to Him, period. Not your devotion to wifedom or motherhood, but to Him. Being busy with outward ministry and church activities is not at all the same as pursuing holiness.
And discover His will. Get on board with His vision for your life and I think that will help to bring genuine peace which comes from knowing that you are exactly where the Lord would have you be.
Sent from my LS670 using LS670
There's a practical component, but more than that is the question of what kind of relationship you're looking for. Truly godly men don't fall out of the sky everyday. What is necessary to be settled before God is your devotion to Him, period. Not your devotion to wifedom or motherhood, but to Him. Being busy with outward ministry and church activities is not at all the same as pursuing holiness.
And discover His will. Get on board with His vision for your life and I think that will help to bring genuine peace which comes from knowing that you are exactly where the Lord would have you be.
Sent from my LS670 using LS670
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
See it's statements like that I don't understand. I long for God but God is not a physical being here on earth. After a while you just want the companionship. How much longing can I do? I pray I go to church I read the bible. I fear and love God what else? I'm drained and I feel like I've been single long enough. The whole time all I have been doing is worshipping God. I've only met losers not once have I met a man who is God fearing. I feel women in the church are single because they are busy worshipping God and patiently waiting but when age starts to creep up on you and you are pushing 40 and you still have not gotten married or had children it really can affect ones emotional and mental state. Some folks don't think it matters how old you are but when you have no children yet I think it is a huge factor. I don't care what the bible says about Sarah and how she had her son at 70 or whatever age she was, that is not the ideal situation for everyone and since our life span is shorter in this day and age that story is not comforting to most women.
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
This advice is common, but backwards...so it's not surprising that the fruit it bears in the lives of women who follow it is bitter.
Our lives are not about ourselves, our ambitions and making ourselves happy. They are about loving the Lord and loving others as ourselves. Not doing more but loving more. There is no bitterness, envy, or doubt where true love abounds.
Working on oneself incessantly doesn't help one to love better, rather it makes a woman more introspective, self-conscious, prone to discouragement, not to mention increasingly bitter as she meditates on all the things she's done to deserve a spouse--especially when she compares herself to all those other women who aren't as "spiritual" who managed to get married. And Scripture tells us that such comparisons are unwise.
The Lord always directs us outward. We are to be filled up with Him and then allow those rivers of living water with which we're filled to flow out into the lives of those around us. Instead of focusing on making the self happy, I think that much more joy and peace would come from building godly fellowship and living in Christian community, seeking out Christ centered relationships of all sorts, and being open to responding to the needs of those around you (again, not "ministry" necessarily, but people).
(I'm not against being in minstry, btw, but ministry can only be the overflow of, not the substitute for, love of God and love of neighbor.)
I don't recommend TD Jakes in general, but there is a video that really spoke to me at one point:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2wSJNpgJ8I
Blessings.
Ladybelle
New Member
^^ Very interesting perspective & true. I think the closest I ever get to this is when I fast. I just reach this level of peace, love & understanding that's hard to explain. I'm able to think more about others than myself and actually CARE about humanity. It's an inner thing that happens that causes me to love like I think God intended us. God is love and when we are truly connected to God we become love too, so much so that we can't help but to give love & attract it.
Thanks for sharing that!
Thanks for sharing that!
Iwanthealthyhair67
Well-Known Member
I'm 'pushing' past forty with no husband and no children, and happy to say I’m still in my right mind...God is good and promises to keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on him...
When you say 'busy' worshipping God don't make it sound like it's a chore we were created to worship God and it should be our pleasure to do so...
Sorry I'm not as diplomatic as some of the others here on the board, sincerely I mean no offense, but from your post it would seem that it's all about you and what you want and when you want it, it is not about you it IS ALL about JESUS...this is not to say that he is not concerned about you or what you want, but what you want MUST line up in accordance to HIS will for your life at this time...
Love is not exhausting, trust me he doesn’t get tired loving us even when wave angry fists at him complaining that he is not moving fast enough to do all we want as quickly as we want it…
I pray that your impatience does not create a wall of separation between you and God and that you would wait on him and not find a mate in your own strength …
I pray that you use this time as a time of preparation for your mate and for marriage, and that you a receptive to a true longing for God and would desire to want to get to know HIM as he desires to make himself known to you, I pray that you find love and fulfillment in HIM while you wait…I pray that you delight yourself in HIM and HE grants the desires of your heart as his word says.
Amen!
Ephesians 3:17-18 says, ‘And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.’
When you say 'busy' worshipping God don't make it sound like it's a chore we were created to worship God and it should be our pleasure to do so...
Sorry I'm not as diplomatic as some of the others here on the board, sincerely I mean no offense, but from your post it would seem that it's all about you and what you want and when you want it, it is not about you it IS ALL about JESUS...this is not to say that he is not concerned about you or what you want, but what you want MUST line up in accordance to HIS will for your life at this time...
Love is not exhausting, trust me he doesn’t get tired loving us even when wave angry fists at him complaining that he is not moving fast enough to do all we want as quickly as we want it…
I pray that your impatience does not create a wall of separation between you and God and that you would wait on him and not find a mate in your own strength …
I pray that you use this time as a time of preparation for your mate and for marriage, and that you a receptive to a true longing for God and would desire to want to get to know HIM as he desires to make himself known to you, I pray that you find love and fulfillment in HIM while you wait…I pray that you delight yourself in HIM and HE grants the desires of your heart as his word says.
Amen!
Ephesians 3:17-18 says, ‘And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.’
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Iwanthealthyhair67
Well-Known Member
Yes and Amen to everything that you said...omgoodness
We are being taught falsely, even by our Pastors, it is NOT about us...everything is geared towards 'self' that our motives have become selfish, which is not of God....
We are being taught falsely, even by our Pastors, it is NOT about us...everything is geared towards 'self' that our motives have become selfish, which is not of God....
Mis007
New Member
It only becomes a huge factor because as singles we often feel marginalised from the culture of heavy emphasis on the physical family. Rather than dread the season your in think of it as being equal to the calling of married life. Both provide an opportunity to live for Jesus (though you have more freedom as a single).
Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
woah...that's real talk right there... Amein. We do ourselves a terrible injustice, comparing our lives to those of others OR trying to adhere to 'age-specific' dictates by the world's standards. Sarah had her baby at an age that people today can't accept, but it was in GOD's time, not hers. Believe it or not, miracles still happen today! Faith results in miracles and can move mountains. Disbelief is astounding these days..
I remember that TD Jakes video... very powerful stuff and I hope others get the chance to see it, to be blessed just the same, as it addresses some serious (hidden) issues. That word hit the core of my being, too.
I remember that TD Jakes video...
very powerful stuff and I hope others get the chance to see it, to be blessed just the same, as it addresses some serious (hidden) issues. That word hit the core of my being, too.
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dicapr
Well-Known Member
I am in my mid thirties and still very single. The Lord revealed to me how Satan was using my singleness as a weapon against me. Firstly, my focus on being married superceeded my focus on what I needed to focus on to become closer to God. I began equating God sending me a mate as proof of his love for me. The lack of a relationship began to fester and become an obsticle in my relationship with God. The lack of a mate was "proof" that God was not providing for me what I "needed". Satan went on to try and decieve my by placing it in my heart that if God was not providing for my "needs" why was I a Christian. It was not until I realized that 1) Marriage had become an idol and god before God and 2) I was listening to a spirit of discouragement that I was able to clearly see what was happening. While I still desire a husband, I realize that anything that is placed before God is something that I am not ready to recieve. I had started to believe that God was not enough for me to be whole-I needed something other than God to complete me. I came to realize that Satan was using my desire for companionship to turn me away from the greatest companionship I could ever know.
nathansgirl1908
Well-Known Member
This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that. I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem. I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.
I love being single. I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships. I have the chance to really enjoy life. I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama.
One of my dear friends always says that she would never have gotten married if she knew then what she knows now. And she has a good marriage, but it's draining on her. Marriage is draining on women in general. And marriage CAN divide your heart towards God. That same friend still makes time each day to be alone and focus on God. But most women don't do that once getting married. They aren't willing to make the commitment to do it. Instead they are caught up with making their husband happy and taking care of him.
Sorry for the rant, but this subject is a sore spot for me because I don't understand why women are always so focused on men. It's not even that serious.
