The Difference Between Being In Love And Loving Someone

[caribeandiva]

http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-loving-someone-love/895385/

Fellow single women, we’ve grown tired of hearing the same things, over and over again:

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“You’re too pretty to be single.”
“So, you’re single… what’s wrong with you?”

For the years I’ve remained single, I’ve repeatedly fired back with one simple answer: “I’m not in love with anyone.”

They say that when you fall in love with someone, you feel euphoria and weak in the knees. Supposedly, “you just know.” It’s something over which you have no control.

But, other people tell me that to love someone is a “choice,” something you can and do control. I’ve come to realize that people are not telling me about the same force, but rather, about two completely different forces: being in love and loving.

The biggest difference? One can exist without the other, while one of them cannot.

To love is to choose to love. We love our parents because they go to the ends of the earth for us. We love our friends because we can confide everything in them.

We love our boyfriends because they are there for us. But, how do we know if we were in love with our boyfriends?

Last year, I broke up with my now-ex-boyfriend. One morning, I woke up and realized something: I wasn’t in love with the man next to me.

When I tried to explain to him what I meant, I was unable to find the right words to say. I couldn’t express myself articulately because I could barely understand why I felt what I was feeling.

All I could definitively say was I felt unsatisfied. When I tried to rationalize, I concluded that I cared for him deeply. I respected him; I trusted him; I even loved him — but I was not in love with him.

To love a man is to support his passions; to be in love with a man is not only to back his passions, but also to admire them to the point that his hunger for them motivates you to be just as hungry for yours.

To love a man is to share all of your thoughts with him; to be in love with a man is to share all of your thoughts with him, and when you’re not with him, to see him in every place you go, think of him with every person you meet and feel him in every scent you smell.

To love a man is to feel warmer in his embrace; to be in love with a man is to feel warmer in his embrace and subsequently desire to please him any chance you get because you have just as much a fervor to physically express yourself with him as you do emotionally.

You can be in love with a man, and loving him will automatically come with the package, but you don’t have to necessarily be in love with a man in order to love him.

Time and time again, I question whether I should have taken up one of my male friends on his offer to be my boyfriend. I declined them all, and I’m still single.

But, in my heart, I know it’s for the best. If it should have happened, then it would have. It would have felt right because it should have felt indescribable.

I will always love them, and for some, simply loving can be enough. But, for others, falling and staying in love, without choice and without reason, is the only way to experience love.

To pair with a man I believe I can learn to love, in hopes of falling in love with him later on, is a leap of faith I won’t take.

It is my belief that we, as humans, each have unique thresholds for what we believe being “in love” means. We should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them.

This threshold varies from person to person based on how much more intensely one is able to fall for someone, above how intensely another can fall for someone else.

We cannot judge one couple’s love over another’s. We cannot judge the way one person loves against the way another does.

We cannot judge a single woman for staying single because she hasn’t been able to satiate her, thus far, insatiable appetite because we all feel things differently.

And, perhaps, it’s the extremity of falling in love, in and of itself, that separates the logical from the dreamers.

 

[caribeandiva]

I totally agree with this article. It really put into words what I couldn't.

 

[Britt]

http://elitedaily.com/dating/difference-loving-someone-love/895385/

Fellow single women, we’ve grown tired of hearing the same things, over and over again:

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“You’re too pretty to be single.”
“So, you’re single… what’s wrong with you?”

For the years I’ve remained single, I’ve repeatedly fired back with one simple answer: “I’m not in love with anyone.”

They say that when you fall in love with someone, you feel euphoria and weak in the knees. Supposedly, “you just know.” It’s something over which you have no control.

But, other people tell me that to love someone is a “choice,” something you can and do control. I’ve come to realize that people are not telling me about the same force, but rather, about two completely different forces: being in love and loving.

The biggest difference? One can exist without the other, while one of them cannot.

To love is to choose to love. We love our parents because they go to the ends of the earth for us. We love our friends because we can confide everything in them.

We love our boyfriends because they are there for us. But, how do we know if we were in love with our boyfriends?

Last year, I broke up with my now-ex-boyfriend. One morning, I woke up and realized something: I wasn’t in love with the man next to me.

When I tried to explain to him what I meant, I was unable to find the right words to say. I couldn’t express myself articulately because I could barely understand why I felt what I was feeling.

All I could definitively say was I felt unsatisfied. When I tried to rationalize, I concluded that I cared for him deeply. I respected him; I trusted him; I even loved him — but I was not in love with him.

To love a man is to support his passions; to be in love with a man is not only to back his passions, but also to admire them to the point that his hunger for them motivates you to be just as hungry for yours.

To love a man is to share all of your thoughts with him; to be in love with a man is to share all of your thoughts with him, and when you’re not with him, to see him in every place you go, think of him with every person you meet and feel him in every scent you smell.

To love a man is to feel warmer in his embrace; to be in love with a man is to feel warmer in his embrace and subsequently desire to please him any chance you get because you have just as much a fervor to physically express yourself with him as you do emotionally.

You can be in love with a man, and loving him will automatically come with the package, but you don’t have to necessarily be in love with a man in order to love him.

Time and time again, I question whether I should have taken up one of my male friends on his offer to be my boyfriend. I declined them all, and I’m still single.

But, in my heart, I know it’s for the best. If it should have happened, then it would have. It would have felt right because it should have felt indescribable.

I will always love them, and for some, simply loving can be enough. But, for others, falling and staying in love, without choice and without reason, is the only way to experience love.

To pair with a man I believe I can learn to love, in hopes of falling in love with him later on, is a leap of faith I won’t take.

It is my belief that we, as humans, each have unique thresholds for what we believe being “in love” means. We should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them.

This threshold varies from person to person based on how much more intensely one is able to fall for someone, above how intensely another can fall for someone else.

We cannot judge one couple’s love over another’s. We cannot judge the way one person loves against the way another does.

We cannot judge a single woman for staying single because she hasn’t been able to satiate her, thus far, insatiable appetite because we all feel things differently.

And, perhaps, it’s the extremity of falling in love, in and of itself, that separates the logical from the dreamers.

I read this article the other day and it puts perfectly in words how I feel about loving someone versus being in love with them. I've also tried to 'fall in love' with someone in the past, more than once actually ---- doesn't work, at least for me it doesn't. I can still love the person, but I don't desire them at all, their touch makes me uncomfy, I don't think of them during the day. I do not desire them.

 

[Britt]

There is just a deep unsatisfaction when you're with someone you're not in love with. A lingering unsatisfaction that no matter how much you try to rationalize it's still there... you begin to lust after other ppl and then feel guilty. It's just not a nice feeling. I have a friend that is really in love with me and adores me and while I feel at ease around him and love his spirit, I do not feel the same or even close to it for him. I've tried to... Instead, I find myself becoming uncomfy when he gets close, the thought of him intimately revolts me. I desire other men even more when I'm around him b/c he is not what I want.

 

[CaraWalker]

for me, i dont really trust "being in love" with a man as a measuring stick because in my experience feeling like i was "in love" with a man was more about the sexual chemistry and i couldn't find a way to fit it into my life that made rational sense. personally i don't really like that. it could just be because i'm not sure i was ever "in love" and "loving" the same man at the same time. i usually experience it as one or the other.

or, put another way, can you truly be "in love" with a man if you are not highly sexually attracted to him? you can admire him and adore him and physically enjoy him, but that's not the same as being sexually attracted to him necessarily. i just don't like the idea that one connection is better than another. however i do think that for some women, lacking one of these things does lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship, and if thats the case, they should definitely let it go and try to find what it is they want elsewhere.

i dont know if it's that i feel like i don't need to be "in love" romantically with my life partner, or if i'm just afraid to admit that i will never find both in one place. if its not a likely possibility, i don't want to make it a requirement for marriage. if i had to choose, i would skip the sexual in love part.

 

[Britt]

It's more than just sex though. When I'm in love with someone really and truly, that feeling doesn't just up and disappear or is quickly fleeting. It's there - and it's there even if you're upset with the person. You can be upset with the person and in that moment don't want them sexually but you still want the person. When you just love someone it's easier to just walk away. I've only been realllllly in love twice. It's more than just sex. Actually, for me a lot of it is mental in the sense that there are certain attributes a person has that i like and find attractive . I can't see myself marrying someone and not being in love with them. For me, I just can't do it. I'd be unsatisfied. There are ppl who are married and married for years and still in love with their spouse - it may not be goo goo gaga like when they first met , that's not really what I'm talking about - but underlying all their issues, they are still in love with their spouse.
Just loving someone (IMO) is akin to just loving your friend, sibling, parent, etc .... There has to be a difference in the type of love you have for your partner ime.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Interesting read but I'd personally change her definitions.

What she calls love I'd describe as lust.

What she calls being in love is that important next step of commitment.

It's easy to walk through or skip steps when you're full of hormones and everything is new. Laying the foundation for the next step is a deliberate choice that colors your actions even on days you don't feel like it. I find too many mistake lust for the superficial aspects of love.

Have checklist for whats important to you. Don't allow yourself to place labels on someone because you want to sleep with them before knowing if it's actually going somewhere. Why give someone label of boyfriend if you're not in love with him? Leave him in the dating/lover pile and keep your options open until you meet your match. Being smarter will help you avoid being tied down to someone you're not in love with.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Very interesting article @caribeandiva .... Very interesting points. And I'll admit, I've always been one of "those" types of women who needs to feel "in love" with my future bf/husband in order to sustain a long-lasting, satisfying, and emotionally-fulfilling relationship. I think this is why many times I would dismiss or break up with guy friends and other men who were interested in me because I felt like an "imposter". I just wasn't "in love" with them or interested in them like they were in me, and I found myself always looking out for another guy who caught my eye....
I've ALWAYS had the gripe that I just want a guy that is REALLY into me, who I'm equally as excited about as well! I just want something MUTUAL. I'm tried of dating guys who I'm lukewarm about, or just giving "a chance".

I say all this to say HOWEVER.... As I've gotten older (and still single lol...), I've come to realize/notice that many times the Western world seems to focus a little too much attention on or put too much emphasis on "chemistry" and that feeling of being "in love" than other cultures...and honestly, I'm not so sure that this "in love" feeling will sustain a marriage in the long run.

I guess what I'm saying is that due to my previous experience (with a man I was madly "in love" with ) I think these days I'd rather be w/a man who I respected, loved, trusted, found reasonably attracted, and who loved me, treated me like a queen, than one who gives me those dizzying feelings of lust and "crazy in love" tingles, but who doesn't treat me as well as one who worships the ground I walk on. I guess maybe I'm just at a different place in my life now, and I'm starting to see things differently.

I look at other cultures where the marriages were arranged, and while I'm not too keen on arranged marriages, I have to admit that a lot of times many of those marriages seem to last a long time. Whereas in cultures such as our own where everyone dates who they feel "chemistry" with, the marriages don't always last a lifetime. I think a lot of people tend to go with who "feels right" to them, as opposed to who IS right for them.

Idk....maybe I'm just confused right now lol, but I definitely long for the day where I find a man who is not only excited about me, but one who I'm excited about as well. And for me, it goes beyond just sexual attraction. It's a genuine feeling of GIDDINESS, excitement, longing to hear from them, you smile when you get a message from them, you feel like they are your best friend through thick and thin, etc. THAT's the type of relationship I prefer. But if later on down the line I find a guy who's respectable, attractive, nice, treats me well, LOVES me, and I can respect him, he's a decent guy, I love him, he treats my family well, treats HIS family well, etc... I don't think I'm going to toss him aside just because he's not giving me "tingly" feelings of excitement. Maybe it's my bio-clock ticking or something, but as I get older I find I'm not so much thinking about superficial things anymore.

Great article though.... She explains one of the reasons why I've been single. I've always deep down wondered however if this ever-elusive feeling of needing to be "in love" that some women seem to never find in a mutual relationship is really just an underlying sign that the woman is deep down "afraid" of taking that leap, or maybe emotionally unavailable somehow.... I've always sometimes wondered this about myself ever since I started reading that CITO book. It REALLY made me take a good HARD look at myself, and even though I haven't finished the book yet, I feel like a better person because of it!

 

[shespoison]

You can love someone and fall in and out of love over and over again.

I think that that initial "I'm love" feeling eventually goes away. Things start to get routine. I think it is silly to expect butterflies all the time in a long term relationship.

Sexual chemistry is important but its not going to be panting and fireworks all the time.

IMO loyalty, respect, trust, compatibility, and communication are way more important than feeling "in love" everyday.

 

[CaraWalker]

It's more than just sex though. When I'm in love with someone really and truly, that feeling doesn't just up and disappear or is quickly fleeting. It's there - and it's there even if you're upset with the person. You can be upset with the person and in that moment don't want them sexually but you still want the person. When you just love someone it's easier to just walk away. I've only been realllllly in love twice. It's more than just sex. Actually, for me a lot of it is mental in the sense that there are certain attributes a person has that i like and find attractive . I can't see myself marrying someone and not being in love with them. For me, I just can't do it. I'd be unsatisfied. There are ppl who are married and married for years and still in love with their spouse - it may not be goo goo gaga like when they first met , that's not really what I'm talking about - but underlying all their issues, they are still in love with their spouse.
Just loving someone (IMO) is akin to just loving your friend, sibling, parent, etc .... There has to be a difference in the type of love you have for your partner ime.

however i do think that for some women, lacking one of these things does lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship, and if thats the case, they should definitely let it go and try to find what it is they want elsewhere.

what you are describing is, for me and in my life, childish, and i wouldnt conduct my relationships that way, but i wouldnt begrudge other women who do.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Some folks in this thread will be single a lot in their life.

Don't set yourself up for disppointment. Some of these definitions of love. Whew chile. Good luck on that.

 

[CaraWalker]

 

[caribeandiva]

Some folks in this thread will be single a lot in their life.

Don't set yourself up for disppointment. Some of these definitions of love. Whew chile. Good luck on that.

I think you should feel those in love, butterflies in your stomach, can't stay away from each other feelings initially. Maybe that's lust. Those things don't keep a relationship alive in the long term though. Like another poster said, As the years go on, you won't feel like that everyday (or most days ). That's when those other qualities you married him for really come into play. With a little lust sprinkled here and there. Call me naive or selfish but I want the whole package durnit! @Crystalicequeen123

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I think you should feel those in love, butterflies in your stomach, can't stay away from each other feelings initially. Maybe that's lust. Those things don't keep a relationship alive in the long term though. Like another poster said, As the years go on, you won't feel like that everyday (or most days ). That's when those other qualities you married him for really come into play. With a little lust sprinkled here and there. Call me naive or selfish but I want the whole package durnit! @Crystalicequeen123

No girl I understand lol. Deep down I want it all too!!! Why do you think I'm still single? So I completely understand..... I swear though, that book CITO definitely helped to open my eyes a little bit though. I'm learning to be less rigid in what package "the one" may come in. I'm at the point now where if a guy who is decently attractive, nice, hard-working, good job, kind-hearted, confident, and easy to be with and was genuinely a FRIEND to me wanted to get to know me better, then I would definitely take a chance with him. I can now see myself with a man who may not be a GQ model, but who is stable, fun, lively, engaging, and treats me right.

 

[Britt]

I think you should feel those in love, butterflies in your stomach, can't stay away from each other feelings initially. Maybe that's lust. Those things don't keep a relationship alive in the long term though. Like another poster said, As the years go on, you won't feel like that everyday (or most days ). That's when those other qualities you married him for really come into play. With a little lust sprinkled here and there. Call me naive or selfish but I want the whole package durnit! @Crystalicequeen123

I agree... for me, I don't really call it feeling butterflies in my stomach everyday or day in and out. That's not what I'm talking about. I can easily love a man or a woman (friend) and be caring, thoughtful, etc towards them... but when I really love someone in a different way it's a different type of desire. I want to be around the person, I enjoy their company even if we're not doing much, I know their body language and what their thinking, vice versa, we can look at the same things and laugh and read each other's thoughts. There are people I come across whose company and presence I just enjoy and we have a natural chemistry together. I literally light up around them, I want to hug them, I am drawn towards them (this is pretty rare for me lol). Even if myself and that person fall out -- that love is still there. I have a friend that I know I love and still love her deeply and I went to her baby shower recently and I had severed ties with her years ago. I was a little emotional at her shower and when I hugged her and laughed with her there's a bond there and I can tell she feels it too.. like, yessss b!tch, I miss you! I miss laughing with you, I miss your stories, I miss vibing with you, I really do miss you. I do not have this type of enjoyment with everyone, though I do have friends I enjoy to some extent and love... it's not the same. I have a coworker who started working here about only 1 year ago and from my first few interactions with her I knew I liked her and enjoy her. There is no one else here I feel that way about (except my gay boo who left the company lol). That for me is what it feels like to be in love with someone versus just loving them. There are just certain people I gravitate more towards, naturally and I enjoy them. I can love a lot of people but not really want them or enjoy them in the way I desire. I can still cry with them, feel for them, be there for them, you name it. Not sure of a better way to put this. But when I do really love someone, whether friend or lover - I love hardddddd b/c these people are almost irreplaceable to me.

 

[C@ssandr@]

The explanation in the differences was thorough, but I still wouldn't describe that as being in love.

I've never been in love before, but I have loved someone. I was loyal and able to support and encourage his dreams even though they weren't mine. I recognized that there was an "us" and nurtured the rlshp from that point of view.

I can't say if you need to be "in love" to be in a satiating marriage, or quality partnership. But what Im hearing from everyone else still leads me to believe that its totally not necessary.

 

[ElizaBlue]

The difference for me is how much tolerance I have for you and whether or not I think about you and have an physiological reaction. For example with my ex-husband I loved him but was not in love with him. So I begin to have zero tolerance for anything he did, that I didn't like. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go off on him or anything like that it just go to the point that hearing him breath got on my last damn nerve.

Annnd...after a while I'd reflect on sex pretty much as mundane unless I just wanted to get mine...lol. So I had to bounce because he deserved better.

But being in love....whew chile...everything is beautiful. I wish my ex would try to get some early in the morning before brushing his teeth...but now...don't I love this man's morning breath...or I get to his place and he's apologizing for the laundry being on the bed...don't I commence to folding it? If he comes to my house unannounced (which is a big no no for me) as soon as I see those black plates pull up I have a change in heart rate, my skin becomes flushed and I'm smiling. Mad as all get out that he just popped up.... but my body responds differently. I'm in love so I will tolerate his antics...to some extent.

The test is...for me...if this cat and I actually settled down together how long would it all last. It's been a year so far so I know it's not just lust. But even with all that to quote Wale...our planets are just too far apart.