The Age Old "Waiting" Question

[TinyBlu]

...so last night we had another "girls night out" and the age-old topic of "when to give it up" came up...again.

First, we all know the "sanctified" response of waiting until marriage. That response need not apply here. That ship has more than sailed in this group of women. Besides, I waited with my ex husband (neither of us were virgins but chose to be celibate until marriage)--BIG MISTAKE!!!!

Anywho... it's always interesting to get varied points of view. In the age of the "Act Like A Lady..." 90-day rule; to the "X" date rule; to the get it out of the way philosophy, there seems to be no consensus as to what constitutes the right amount of time or dates to wait.

Likewise, there are no formulas that guarantee the success or failure of a relationship based on how long couples DO wait to jump in the sack. I have seen successful marriages that started from sex on the first date. On the other hand, I've known couples that waited and the relationship ended soon afterwards or didn't last for whatever reason.

So... I'm posing the question again:

When do you think is the right TIME to open your crayon box? Please elaborate on why you feel this way. Thanks!

 

[Lucie]

When I am ready to. Time won't make a man stay if that is not what he wants. I prefer to get to know a man as much as I can. However, you could be with a man for 10 days and be already saying, "I love you," AND mean it. The best thing to do is ask questions but observe. Actions are everything.

 

[VelvetRain]

Well I'm still going to say there is nothing unpopular with me with waiting til marriage. I have seen the disatrous effects of not waiting. To each is there own.

That 90 day foolishenss is just that. Foolishness. Why on earth would a sane woman think a man would wait 90 days to have sex with her. I can gurantee he is smashing something in those 90 days while he waits for you. Dumb logic to think he's not.

Consensu? Do what you want with your own vajay jay I say.erplexed

 

[hopeful]

I can only say what I would try to do if I were single. I would wait until I felt comfortable, loved, and safe. I would need to feel secure that he adored me and was not a promiscuous person. I am not one for random sex, just not who I am. But to each her own.

 

[BGT]

Well I'm still going to say there is nothing unpopular with me with waiting til marriage. I have seen the disatrous effects of not waiting. To each is there own.

That 90 day foolishenss is just that. Foolishness. Why on earth would a sane woman think a man would wait 90 days to have sex with her. I can gurantee he is smashing something in those 90 days while he waits for you. Dumb logic to think he's not.

Consensu? Do what you want with your own vajay jay I say.erplexed

He can wait until marriage but not 90 days?

 

[melissa-bee]

...so last night we had another "girls night out" and the age-old topic of "when to give it up" came up...again.

First, we all know the "sanctified" response of waiting until marriage. That response need not apply here. That ship has more than sailed in this group of women. Besides, I waited with my ex husband (neither of us were virgins but chose to be celibate until marriage)--BIG MISTAKE!!!!

Anywho... it's always interesting to get varied points of view. In the age of the "Act Like A Lady..." 90-day rule; to the "X" date rule; to the get it out of the way philosophy, there seems to be no consensus as to what constitutes the right amount of time or dates to wait.

Likewise, there are no formulas that guarantee the success or failure of a relationship based on how long couples DO wait to jump in the sack. I have seen successful marriages that started from sex on the first date. On the other hand, I've known couples that waited and the relationship ended soon afterwards or didn't last for whatever reason.

So... I'm posing the question again:

When do you think is the right TIME to open your crayon box? Please elaborate on why you feel this way. Thanks!

Are you willing to share why waiting until after marriage was a mistake with your ex husband?

 

[TinyBlu]

Are you willing to share why waiting until after marriage was a mistake with your ex husband?

Sure. We were 2 million percent NOT compatible sexually. Despite the two years of dating, we weren't clear on what we each wanted in the bedroom.

I should have been tipped off during our dating about his "traditional" views of intercourse when he would have to separate from me and fast and pray if things got a little hot and heavy during make-outs, but I thought this would all change since the "marriage bed is un-defiled". (His discomfort with discussing anything sexual because it was "un-holy" should have also been a red flag)

Ummm... no. He didn't believe in ANY creativity and even would not sleep in the same bed with me during my time of the month because I was "unclean". That was one of the many problems we had, but it was a biggie.

NEVER.AGAIN.

 

[TinyBlu]

Love this response. Very interesting perspective @ Hopeful.

 

[TinyBlu]

He can wait until marriage but not 90 days?

Funny... I was thinking the same thing. What's to say he's not getting it in elsewhere while a sista is trying to put a ring on it?

 

[TinyBlu]

When I am ready to. Time won't make a man stay if that is not what he wants. I prefer to get to know a man as much as I can. However, you could be with a man for 10 days and be already saying, "I love you," AND mean it. The best thing to do is ask questions but observe. Actions are everything.

Thanks for this very mature and realistic response. As I alluded to in my original post, I have seen it go both ways. My favorite couple (married 28 years) got it in on the first date, moved in two weeks later, married 3 months later, and 28 years and 4 children later couldn't be happier (and STILL getting it in).

I agree that there really can't be any "rules". A woman who is comfortable and mature enough to lay it down on date one isn't promiscuous IMO. It's not what I would do, but I wouldn't judge.

I'm also of the school of thought of getting to know someone first, but different strokes (hahaha) for different folks).

 

[TinyBlu]

It seems interesting that the tone here reflects what the ladies and I talked about last night... the burden of the "sexual morality" falling on the ladies (yes... the DOUBLE STANDARD).

A man "gets it" the first night, he gets dapped up... the girl often gets called out of her name or viewed as immoral in some way.

So... sleeping with someone on the first date... Does that make the woman a garden tool?

WOW... I WISH WE HAD SOME MEN (open minded, over age 30) TO CHIME IN HERE!!!

 

[TinyBlu]

... I DO believe, however, that if a man is TRULY trying to get to know a woman for who she is and not what he can get from her that he WILL wait. I'm not going to put a time limit on it, but there also won't be that pressure of "when". I believe the physical will just happen naturally when the time is right.

 

[ladysaraii]

My rule is no sex until we're in a committed relationship. Which, I don't think is a bad rule to apply across the board. Now people choose to enter into committed relationships at different rates, some after a few dates, some after knowing each other a while. For me, at this point, my thinking is no sex until commitment, but I'm not interested in commitment unless we're seriously considering marriage.

Now, if you're just interested in a man for sex well, by all means...have at it.

 

[Mai Tai]

Well I'm still going to say there is nothing unpopular with me with waiting til marriage. I have seen the disatrous effects of not waiting. To each is there own.

That 90 day foolishenss is just that. Foolishness. Why on earth would a sane woman think a man would wait 90 days to have sex with her. I can gurantee he is smashing something in those 90 days while he waits for you. Dumb logic to think he's not.

Consensu? Do what you want with your own vajay jay I say.erplexed

So based on your logic...What makes you think a man is going to wait until marriage? If he won't wait 90 days, he's damn sure not going to wait a year or two. Your whole post is quite confusing.

 

[hopeful]

It seems interesting that the tone here reflects what the ladies and I talked about last night... the burden of the "sexual morality" falling on the ladies (yes... the DOUBLE STANDARD).

A man "gets it" the first night, he gets dapped up... the girl often gets called out of her name or viewed as immoral in some way.

So... sleeping with someone on the first date... Does that make the woman a garden tool?

WOW... I WISH WE HAD SOME MEN (open minded, over age 30) TO CHIME IN HERE!!!

I guess you could put it that way. I don't see it as a burden though. I think sex under those circumstances is more pleasurable. Otherwise it's too intimate IMO to do with just a guy. Like I don't get having kids or co-mingling funds with someone other than my husband because I see those things as intimate as well, just in a different way. But if a woman can enjoy sex without feeling he's crazy about her or trusting him, that is fine too. Or if sex can be just sex for her that's fine too. No judgement from me. Like I said, to each her own.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Well, imma put it like dis hea....

With that new strain of gonorhea that'll send you into glory in a matter of days, sex would be da last thing on my mind chile...

But hey, if you're horny, by all means protect yourself because some of these men out here are nasty...da bastids!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Eh, is this gonna turn into the virgins vs whores debate? Does society even have expectations anymore? I think for most, it's a "do you" as long as you're not spreading diseases or government cheese as a result.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

All I can say is I won't be having sex until I'm ready--until I've met the right person and I feel emotionally and physically safe with him. How long into a relationship that might be I don't know. It could be 3 months, after we're engaged or my wedding night. If a man is really into me, my mind, who I am as a person, rather than getting laid, he won't mind. If he does then he's can kick rocks.

 

[ladysaraii]

Well, imma put it like dis hea....

With that new strain of gonorhea that'll send you into glory in a matter of days, sex would be da last thing on my mind chile...

But hey, if you're horny, by all means protect yourself because some of these men out here are nasty...da bastids!

You ain't never lie.

And just when I thought it was safe to take the ole girl for a spin around the block...

 

[tocktick]

He can wait until marriage but not 90 days?

If only I could thank this twice. This question was the very same one I had afterwards because I spied quite the logical fallacy...

 

[ladysaraii]

He can wait until marriage but not 90 days?

I *think* what she means is that if you tell a guy he has to wait 90 days, he'll wait around just to hit, but still be having sex with other girls. But with a guy you're intending to marry (who is also on the same page) at some point the commitment kicks in and there are no other girls on the side.

I could be wrong

 

[LivingDol1]

I would wait as long as possible! I would need to be in a committed relationship before having sex within a new relationship. It is best to take it slow and really get to know each other. Sex within a mutually caring relationship.... Don't let men's needs make you feel pressured.

Also, I really wish it were stressed more in the media, and by dating experts etc, but people need to talk about sexual health! No attention is ever paid to the matter of discussing that, or going to get tested or anything. Don't sleep with someone on blind trust. I know it's obvious but it's your life, your body, your future. If you wish to share yourself with another person sexually, you should be comfortable enough to discuss sexual health.

 

[Rocky91]

I *think* what she means is that if you tell a guy he has to wait 90 days, he'll wait around just to hit, but still be having sex with other girls. But with a guy you're intending to marry (who is also on the same page) at some point the commitment kicks in and there are no other girls on the side.

I could be wrong

But i thought u didn't actually advertise the 90 day rule, u just enforced it?
Lol at the thought, "ok boo just give it 3 months and we gon get some sexual healing"

Sent from my phone-typos to be expected

 

[LivingDoll]

I can only say what I would try to do if I were single. I would wait until I felt comfortable, loved, and safe. I would need to feel secure that he adored me and was not a promiscuous person. I am not one for random sex, just not who I am. But to each her own.

Within the confines of a monogamous relationship, the bolded says it all for me.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Well I'm still going to say there is nothing unpopular with me with waiting til marriage. I have seen the disatrous effects of not waiting. To each is there own.

That 90 day foolishenss is just that. Foolishness. Why on earth would a sane woman think a man would wait 90 days to have sex with her. I can gurantee he is smashing something in those 90 days while he waits for you. Dumb logic to think he's not.

Consensu? Do what you want with your own vajay jay I say.erplexed

I get you completely. If he has an active sex life before meeting you, why would he wait 90 days just for you? Most of the time if a guy is celibate until marriage it's because he chose that lifestyle before meeting his mate.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Waiting worked for me. >>>shrug<<<<

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Sure. We were 2 million percent NOT compatible sexually. Despite the two years of dating, we weren't clear on what we each wanted in the bedroom.

I should have been tipped off during our dating about his "traditional" views of intercourse when he would have to separate from me and fast and pray if things got a little hot and heavy during make-outs, but I thought this would all change since the "marriage bed is un-defiled". (His discomfort with discussing anything sexual because it was "un-holy" should have also been a red flag)

Ummm... no. He didn't believe in ANY creativity and even would not sleep in the same bed with me during my time of the month because I was "unclean". That was one of the many problems we had, but it was a biggie.

NEVER.AGAIN.

The waiting was not the problem. The problem is that your ex is a nut case. I am so happy that you are away from him. Don't be surprised if you see that fool on the news one day.

 

[sweetvi]

Thanks for this very mature and realistic response. As I alluded to in my original post, I have seen it go both ways. My favorite couple (married 28 years) got it in on the first date, moved in two weeks later, married 3 months later, and 28 years and 4 children later couldn't be happier (and STILL getting it in).

I agree that there really can't be any "rules". A woman who is comfortable and mature enough to lay it down on date one isn't promiscuous IMO. It's not what I would do, but I wouldn't judge.

I'm also of the school of thought of getting to know someone first, but different strokes (hahaha) for different folks).

Yeah but the common goal they had in mind probably was marriage!

 

[jhcprincess]

I go by Patti Stanger's rule: no sex before monogamy.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Yeah...but who da hell TELLING a guy he has to wait for 90 days...LMAO..that would be dumb IMO. To answer the question...I'm doing it when I'm ready be it a day..two days...a week...year etc etc. I'm an adult.

I *think* what she means is that if you tell a guy he has to wait 90 days, he'll wait around just to hit, but still be having sex with other girls. But with a guy you're intending to marry (who is also on the same page) at some point the commitment kicks in and there are no other girls on the side.

I could be wrong