Talking about past relationships with you SO

[butterfly_wings]

I would like you ladies opinion on this.
My SO and I had one our ‘discussions’ , I asked him how would we talk to our future children about the ‘colouring’ , he said well he doesn’t know as his views aren’t as free as yours....I’m 27 and have 4 partners! He had his first partner at 25. We’ve been together for 2 years.
He has this thing in his head about my past relationships and he is always asking questions about the relationships and what it was like, how we met, how often we had sex, how long we were together, if I was in love or was it just for fun etc, I keep telling he that I don’t want to talk about it as it is private and it is not nessacary to go into it plus it just makes me feel uncomfortable, they are in my past for a reason, if I wanted to keep talking about them I would still be with them now! But once he starts he just keeps going on and on, I don’t really ask him about his past relationships even though I know stuff about one of his ex’s but that’s another story!
Anyway I just wanted to know if you talk to your SO in detail about your past relationships and why,

Thanks erplexed

 

[Divine Inspiration]

No because VERY few men can handle it. They will hold they mess against you until the cows come home and Jesus comes back so I am extremely selective about what I share and even then, I keep it very vague and breezy. A quick, "Things didn't work out between us, but I have forgiven and moved on and I wish him the best." is plenty.

Details are a slippery slope.

 

[omnipadme]

Nope, As far as he's concerned, they lost and I'm with him

 

[The Sweetest B]

No because VERY few men can handle it. They will hold they mess against you until the cows come home and Jesus comes back so I am extremely selective about what I share and even then, I keep it very vague and breezy. A quick, "Things didn't work out between us, but I have forgiven and moved on and I wish him the best." is plenty.

Details are a slippery slope.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah Amen. I have a testimony, I divorced him and I still hear about it with his added versions.

 

[The Sweetest B]

I would like you ladies opinion on this.
My SO and I had one our ‘discussions’ , I asked him how would we talk to our future children about the ‘colouring’ , he said well he doesn’t know as his views aren’t as free as yours....I’m 27 and have 4 partners! He had his first partner at 25. We’ve been together for 2 years.
He has this thing in his head about my past relationships and he is always asking questions about the relationships and what it was like, how we met, how often we had sex, how long we were together, if I was in love or was it just for fun etc, I keep telling he that I don’t want to talk about it as it is private and it is not nessacary to go into it plus it just makes me feel uncomfortable, they are in my past for a reason, if I wanted to keep talking about them I would still be with them now! But once he starts he just keeps going on and on, I don’t really ask him about his past relationships even though I know stuff about one of his ex’s but that’s another story!
Anyway I just wanted to know if you talk to your SO in detail about your past relationships and why,

Thanks erplexed

Sweetie, this a red flag that will wave full force with your provided details. He will never get past it and it will drive you insane. Granted it was before him and had nothing to do with him but they don't see it that way. I don't know anything about your relationship but I lived this first hand. I thought I was being open and honest, big mistake. We are not together anymore and I still hear about it. It is very annoying. It is a sign of something much deeper and darker, pay attention.

 

[NYAmicas]

DH doesnt want to hear jack about exes.

 

[Miamori]

All the SOs I've ever been with have been equally as comfortable and secure in discussing our past relationships in a subjective and open manner.

It's never seemed nosy or prying, at least not the questions I've gotten. More like curiosity. My SOs have never posed questions the way yours has, though. and they never asked so many.

 

[SelfStyled]

Keep it vague or I promise you it will come back to haunt you.

 

[iCandyc]

He never asks so i dn't tell! I am however interested in his past relationships lol but I dnt ask either since he hasn't.

 

[Demi27]

I learned EARLY on to keep them out of your business.
You may think you're being open and sharing, but they (for the most part) don't see it like that. Like other posters have said, they cannot handle it and you WILL keep hearing about it. The fact that he KEEPS asking you about it makes me a little curious. I find that when someone KEEPS asking you for something that you've made clear that you don't want to talk about, it's normally for a specific reason. Since he keeps asking you, it (appears) to be something that's a topic of concern for him.

I wouldn't tell him. If you do tell him, keep it vague and keep it moving.

 

[Extremus]

No because VERY few men can handle it. They will hold they mess against you until the cows come home and Jesus comes back so I am extremely selective about what I share and even then, I keep it very vague and breezy. A quick, "Things didn't work out between us, but I have forgiven and moved on and I wish him the best." is plenty.

Details are a slippery slope.

Please take this advice!

I have done this twice and each time they've held it against me for an extremely long time (years even)! Don't do it!

 

[MD_Lady]

I would like you ladies opinion on this.
My SO and I had one our ‘discussions’ , I asked him how would we talk to our future children about the ‘colouring’ , he said well he doesn’t know as his views aren’t as free as yours....I’m 27 and have 4 partners! He had his first partner at 25. We’ve been together for 2 years.
He has this thing in his head about my past relationships and he is always asking questions about the relationships and what it was like, how we met, how often we had sex, how long we were together, if I was in love or was it just for fun etc, I keep telling he that I don’t want to talk about it as it is private and it is not nessacary to go into it plus it just makes me feel uncomfortable, they are in my past for a reason, if I wanted to keep talking about them I would still be with them now! But once he starts he just keeps going on and on, I don’t really ask him about his past relationships even though I know stuff about one of his ex’s but that’s another story!
Anyway I just wanted to know if you talk to your SO in detail about your past relationships and why,

Thanks erplexed

I understand some of the questions but the bolded is none of his concern. In addition to not sharing this piece of information, you should ask him why he feels the need to ask so many questions (especially since you aren't doing the same of him).

To answer your question, DH and I talked about past relationships early as part of the "nothing I did in the past will come back to haunt you" conversation (and that 'nothing' includes contracting an STD, conceiving a child, or getting involved with a crazy person who has now turned into a stalker). We shared some personal details that many LHCF members wouldn't have been comfortable sharing with their SO, but they were voluntarily disclosured during the course of a conversation and no one was prying into anyone else's past. My advice: If you don't feel comfortable sharing something (as long as it's not going to effect him in any way), go with your gut and keep it to yourself. Like I said, I told DH a lot, but that's because DH isn't like most men when it comes to handling the truth.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

No because VERY few men can handle it. They will hold they mess against you until the cows come home and Jesus comes back so I am extremely selective about what I share and even then, I keep it very vague and breezy. A quick, "Things didn't work out between us, but I have forgiven and moved on and I wish him the best." is plenty.

Details are a slippery slope.

Exactly! I made the mistake of answering something very personal. An ex asked me, "What's the biggest **tool** you've ever had." I answered , and he was upset later.

So, I don't answer things like that or other personal questions similar in nature. It’s just none of their concern.

 

[Arcadian]

No I never go into detail. he can ask all he wants but that was pre relationship so I tell him what I want him to know.

A man's ego is fragile. Don't go into too much detail (especially if the man was well...hung...) because they will freak the hell out.


-A

 

[Blessed_Angel]

All the SOs I've ever been with have been equally as comfortable and secure in discussing our past relationships in a subjective and open manner.

It's never seemed nosy or prying, at least not the questions I've gotten. More like curiosity. My SOs have never posed questions the way yours has, though. and they never asked so many.

I think it depends on the guy. I've never had any problems with guys asking about my past, like Miamori. But if I was dating a guy and he wanted to know so much; that would make me uncomfortable, and not want to disclose anything!

Did you ask him why he wants to know so much? Does he feel insecure because he didn't have relations until he was in his twenties? Does he feel jealous because he thinks you're more "experienced" than he is. Maybe he wonders if he could even compare to those guys. Why would he be so insecure as to want to know so much? No matter what the answer is...it ain't right!! And I wouldn't tell him jack!! He seems like the type of guy who would use it against you. Don't be surprised if it comes up if you guys have a heated argument.

Keep us posted.

 

[shelly25]

Yes, me and my s/o have discussed past relationships. Everything's out in the open.

 

[butterfly_wings]

Hi ladies
Thanks for all of your replies!! I agree, SO and I talked about it yesterday and we cleared a few things up. We agreed not to talk about it anymore, he thought that something might have happened to me as to why I was being so secretive, which is totally wrong!
Anyway we’ve gotten over this hurdle which is good, shame it happened the day before Valentines but we still had a very nice day

Thanks for all you advice J

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

............................................

 

[gabulldawg]

I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to respond anyway.

My DH and I have never gone into detail about past relationships. I've only had one relationship before him, and had to go into some detail since my ex used to practically stalk me. Only things like when we broke up and why. He also was curious to know if we still spoke or hung out since it was so hard for me to shake him. Other than that we haven't really talked about it. I don't really care to know much about his past relationships. After all, it's the past. Of course the nosiness in me wants to know , but it's not important.

We definitely haven't gone into details about our sex life with exes. What good does that do?? erplexed

 

[DMJ's Mom]

DH and I both agreed along time ago if you don't want an answer don't ask so we don't really get THAT in detail about our past relationships

 

[Lynnerie]

I didn't read the responses but i say don't tell them. They dont need to know anything except the relationship didn't work.

Why? Because Men want to feel like they are getting a perfect flower that has never been plucked.

No need to tell him about your past pregnancies, abortions, how many people you colored with, who you colored with, or how bad some loser treated you.

Some women feel like if they tell a guy how bad Dude X was that the new guy will treat them better and this isn't so. They will eventually do the same to you.

Plus, men don't really want to hear about other men anyway. Keep your relationships fresh and your business to yourself.

 

[ackee walk]

I didn't read the responses but i say don't tell them. They dont need to know anything except the relationship didn't work.

Why? Because Men want to feel like they are getting a perfect flower that has never been plucked.

No need to tell him about your past pregnancies, abortions, how many people you colored with, who you colored with, or how bad some loser treated you.

Some women feel like if they tell a guy how bad Dude X was that the new guy will treat them better and this isn't so. They will eventually do the same to you.

Plus, men don't really want to hear about other men anyway. Keep your relationships fresh and your business to yourself.

What's the logic behind this statement? I have heard it before and I'm not sure I understand. Assuming you explain that you left Dude X because of his wrongdoings, why would making it clear to a current SO that you don't accept that kind of mistreatment be a negative thing? Honest question for all ladies who are of the bolded opinion.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Me and my DH told each other pretty everything about our past relationships. I guess it depends on the person, but it hasn't had any negative affect on our relationship so I don't see a problem with it.

 

[princessnad]

We wanted to know the basics in the beginning of the relationship (who, when etc). But after the discussions, it was left there. No need to keep rehashing it. That seems like a red flag.

 

[aribell]

What's the logic behind this statement? I have heard it before and I'm not sure I understand. Assuming you explain that you left Dude X because of his wrongdoings, why would making it clear to a current SO that you don't accept that kind of mistreatment be a negative thing? Honest question for all ladies who are of the bolded opinion.

I've heard this before as well and I think it's because it casts you in the light of a woman who was treated poorly. If you say, "He really dogged me out," then you present yourself as a woman who chose to be involved with a man who didn't love/respect you. Even if you eventually left, the image is still painted as such. Of course, there aren't hard and fast rules, but this seems to be similar to the "how many men have you been with" question. Another way to guage what "type" of woman you are and how you deserve to be treated.

I think not divulging the details is about managing perceptions--it's simpler to say, "I left because he wasn't the type of man I wanted to be with," and paints a stronger image of a woman than "I was always hurt and disappointed, he loved his ex more than me, he couldn't really commit to me, etc."

 

[ackee walk]

^ okay, thanks for the explanation. i can understand this perspective